Transdolphin

  “I have to see for myself. Stay here if you want. Goodbye.”

  I ran to stop him. My wounded leg cracked, and I fell down yelling. The blood wouldn't stop shooting out. “Help me,” I begged him. “Don't leave meeee.”

  Lars picked me up like a baby and put me on the couch. I hugged him.

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “It's my leg's time of the month.”

  He didn't say anything. I kept holding him, sniffing his hair. The gears in my head turned. So what if he didn't share my feelings? I'd have him one way or another.

  Yes. The time had come.

  I excused myself and went to my room to make the concoction. I looked through my magic book and found the love spell. I had everything – a sample of his hair, the frog's heart, the lizard's tail, the whale's eye, the bird's tongue, an octopus's skin, a spider's breath....

  I was missing one thing.

  A pig's green eye.

  I screamed out, “Give me a break!” and trashed my room.

  Lars knocked on the door.

  “Are you okay in there?”

  I fixed my hair for some reason.

  “Yes. I'm fine.”

  I sat on my bed and looked at the left over ingredients scattered across the floor. A thought occurred: I didn't have enough to make a love spell, but I did have enough to make a statue spell...otherwise known as a don't-make-him-move spell.

  Hmmmmm....

  I opened my door and looked at Lars while he did pushups.

  “I may not have my zombies to pleasure me,” I whispered, “but at least I have you.”

  I did an evil laugh in my head and closed the door and got to work.

  BETH

  The search team came back one day, parking a black armored car in front of me. Bob jumped out from the driver's seat, carrying a gold bar.

  “Look what we found! We're rich! And we can finally make that statue you wanted of yourself.”

  I pointed to the armored car. A decayed corpse sat in the passenger's seat, its mouth yawning.

  “Who is that?”

  Bob looked.

  “Oh. The security guard. He locked himself inside. We had to smash the windshield to get his keys. Don't worry. He's dead.”

  That got a laugh out of everyone, except for me. I took the bar from Bob's hands.

  “Is there more?”

  He looked surprised.

  “More? There's a whole mess! Come see.”

  We walked to the back of the armored car. Sure enough, there was a mountain of gold bars. Bob covered his blowhole.

  “Don't mind the stench of death. Rotting bodies were also in here. Their arms were wrapped around a lot of the gold. It's a funny thing – the dead were smiling.”

  I pointed to the gold.

  “Melt all of this.”

  They were shocked.

  “Melt it ALL?!”

  I nodded.

  “You heard me. Melt it all. I want the ark covered in gold. I will make it my tomb. A tomb fit for a queen. Me.”

  “What about your gold statue?”

  “Screw that pathetic thing. Oannes can have his statue. My tomb will be far more epic! I want that ark covered in gold ASAP. Now run around, and do as I say.”

  One of them said, “I'm sleepy. Can we do it later? I'm in no condition for heavy activity.”

  Dreslen and his guards walked up and crossed their arms, scowling at them. A sudden burst of life filled those fools. They all went, “Yes, madam!” and got busy.

  I looked at Dreslen.

  “Follow them. I don't want them running off with my gold.” I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “Never trust a loser. They'll just break your heart.”

  LARS

  Beth....

  Beth, I need you.

  I want you.

  I want your body.

  I need your body against my own. Please, I love you so much. Hear me. Hear these thoughts. I love thinking about you. Come back to me. Come back to these arms. I'm tingling for you! What will it take for you to come back? I know you're alive.

  God, forgive me.

  I'm in heat.

  Why did you give me these evil urges?!

  BETH

  I was outside with some scientists working on a giant antenna on top a news station we fixed up.

  “Finally,” I said, “Glorious TV. Entertainment in a box. How I've missed you so.”

  A scientist tying wires together gave me a jolly look.

  “Wait. We already have new shows up and ready to go?”

  “Yes, sir, once this antenna be up and running.” I got out a list and read off the shows, moving my hand around in an animated way to express my excitement. “Get ready for The News with Gigda Aswant! Cooking with Brendant! Exercising with Joel! Various dramas and comedies! And all those sleep-inducing infomercials!”

  A scientist connected a large cable to a Tesla bulb, and the antenna came alive with mad electricity, and a blue beam shot up into the sky, vanishing into the clouds. The scientists hugged and congratulated each other.

  “Excellent job!” they went. “Splendid!” “Well done!”

  Someone ran up to the roof, exhausted.

  “Beth! There's trouble downstairs, in the street!”

  I went down.

  Bob and Dreslen and some friends struggled to hold onto a screaming transdolphin.

  “Let me go! I'll kill you all!”

  Bob looked at me.

  “Lock this crook up!”

  Looking closer, I saw that the insane dolphin was in fact Terry, the one bitten by the werewolf. He made a run for it, and Bob tackled him. I jumped back.

  “Tell me everything.”

  Bob picked Terry up.

  “Terry was caught stealing.”

  My eyes widened.

  “Steeeeealing?”

  An old transdolphin walked out of the crowd and wobbled on her cane.

  “I saw him do it! He ran into my food store and stole a fish! I saw it with my own beady eyes!”

  She hit Terry with her walking stick. I turned to him. He frowned and looked at the ground, scratching his bite wound which now had black hairs sticking out of it. I flicked his chin up and glared into his eyes.

  “Is this true? Did you steal food?”

  He growled.

  “I lost all my money in a poker game. I got hungry.”

  I closed my eyes and shook my head.

  “I can't believe it. A dolphin committing a crime. You must be separated from us. I'm sorry to do this, Terry. You have gone rotten.”

  I looked at Dreslen. He was dressed like a cop and grinning. A big, yellow star that read SHERIFF was on his shirt. I nodded. “Arrest him.”

  Dreslen got out his handcuffs.

  “Bob, you and the guys hold the criminal. I'm gonna enjoy this.”

  Terry backed away. Dreslen's beefy deputies grabbed him.

  “I was hungry!” Terry reasoned. “You shouldn't pay for food! I was hungry! I had to do it! How else am I going to eat?”

  Dreslen put his cuffs on Terry, then looked around.

  “Boss...where do we put the felonious?”

  With the help of some transdolphins who were experts in construction, I converted the local zoo into a prison complete with metal walls. As Dreslen and his personnel dragged Terry in there, about to throw him into his cell, the criminal bit Bob and ran off. “I'm free!” he screamed. “I'm freeeeee!”

  Dreslen comforted his deputy.

  “Bob, are you okay? Bastard damn near took your hand off. Does it hurt?”

  “Nah. I didn't need that finger anyways. I'll be just fine, sir.”

  Shortly later, Bob was spotted stealing armloads of fish from that old dolphin's store. People tried to stop him, but got bit. I sent them all to the hospital, but all their tests came up good. They were fine. A day later, and those same dolphins turned into criminals. They took to the streets and raided the stores. Minutes passed, and that little part of Waikiki had gone mad. I was home, of cour
se. I saw it all on TV. Many fires. Crooks were smashing in shop windows and stealing things. I saw one run out of the pants store with a cash register and jump into a rickshaw pulled by an accomplice. Dreslen's team locked up whole gangs of transdolphins. The prison was filling up – spilling with criminals. Made in haste, the place had quality issues. Some were able to break out. One of Dreslen's guards tackled a criminal and smashed his head apart with a rock. The body didn't die. It wiggled around with great insanity. I got on the phone and demanded that they secure the body.

  At a hospital, we tied the unconscious transdolphin down. The doctors examined his heart rate on the monitor and took notes. What happened? Why did he get all crazy? Dressed in scrubs, I watched in fascination as the doctors cut the body up and took out the guts, digging around in the hopes of finding some sort of answer. I stepped in for a closer look.

  “What turned him into a criminal?”

  The head doctor took out the heart and showed it to me. He got a scalpel and cut it. The heart exploded in what looked like dog fur. I shrieked and jumped back with my hand over my mouth. The doctor looked down at the body, and shook his head.

  “This transdolphin...has the insides of a werewolf.”

  I ran out of the room and punched through a wall. I picked up a chair and crushed it into a small ball and threw it down the hallway. Nurses screamed and ran off. I roared, and the whole building shook. Tiny pieces of the ceiling fell around me.

  Dreslen was leaning against a door, smoking a cigarette.

  “Problems, boss?”

  I growled at him.

  “If you get your hands on another one of them...criminals....”

  “Yeah?”

  “Kill them.”

  “How? We can't die.”

  “Chop them all to bits and bury them. Mince everything.”

  “What about the prison?”

  “Burn it to Hell!” I said, spitting accidentally. “Don't let them crap up all my hard work – my vision.”

  He smiled.

  “Understood.”

  Dreslen opened the door. His team was in there drinking coffee.

  “Come on, boys,” he said. “We have important work to do.”

  I made them into a special force called the Smart Police, and they were to do whatever it took to keep the peace. After the prison went up in flames, Dreslen dragged out the cooked bodies and cut them up. One blackened body jumped up and started complaining and tried to run off. He was shot down via spear and dealt with in an appropriate manner. The Smart Police loved their job. They were chopping up the wicked every thirty minutes, and, by my orders, some of the bodies were to be tied up and placed outside the great fence like scarecrows to warn off any werewolf foolish enough to stroll by. They would think twice about coming into my city.

  Pandemonium: Many cries in the streets. Much blood. All necessary in my mind. Peace through violence. Had to be done.

  Dreslen ran around throwing spears and rocks at crooks. He bashed someone's head until the eyes popped out. Later, I saw him and his team with butcher knives. They remembered what I said: Make absolutely sure bones and meats are chopped to tiny bits. Criminals ran everywhere begging to be understood. The shrieks of pain would sometimes get to me – cut right into my heart. In order to make myself feel better, I reasoned with my reflection in the mirror that to build up something wonderful, you have to break down the old. It made a little bit of sense. Enough to relax me. With the help of the Smart Police, the level of disorder went down to the color blue – general chaos. The good people were panicking in their homes. To soothe them, I stood on a pile of dead criminals and spoke into a loudspeaker, looking up at the many tearful faces staring at the horrific scene.

  “Patience, my fellow angels. Look away from this terrible imagery. Continue watching TV. Continue singing songs of praise. This will all end. Just ignore the screams of pain. They are from the wicked. The rotten. The corrupt. They do not matter. This will all end soon. Peace be with you. Peace be with you.”

  Dreslen loaded bags and bags of wiggling bits of criminal meat onto trucks and drove off. He was to keep the burial site a secret.

  Waikiki was safe again. My plan of mass murder had worked, and all was peaceful.

  There was never again a werewolf sighting. Never again a criminal sighting. The city thrived, and no one died – except for those transdolphins that lost control of their cars and were electrocuted by the great fence. But what can you do? I washed my hands of it. A drunk driver is a drunk driver. Oh, well.

  My transdolphins made a parade in my honor. As I was driven down the street, I waved and blew kisses while everyone threw confetti and cheered. I walked onto the podium. Dreslen gave me flowers and put a tiara on my head.

  “All hail Beth! Ruler of Hawaii!”

  The crowd cheered.

  “Speech! Speech! Say something inspiring!”

  I stepped up to the microphone, cleared my throat, and said a few words.

  “I promise to do all that I can to keep this island clean and safe.”

  Everyone cheered.

  Next thing I knew, a great mob was on me – yelling, fighting, trying to get my autograph. I jumped in my limousine. The chauffeur looked over his shoulder.

  “Where to, boss?”

  “Home, Jeeves.”

  When I got to the hotel, my servants walked up and one by one offered me many fine things: Fish, wine, soda, hot towels, new pants, a DVD of Braveheart (my favorite movie), all that jazz. I denied them all.

  “I just want to get some sleep, my servants. All my important thinking has exhausted me so.” I snapped my fingers. “Take me to my jacuzzi.”

  Servants came rushing out with a sofa. I climbed on it and was carried inside.

  How am I doing now, Dad? See what I've done? I have made our name great! Be proud of me, Dad. All that I do, I do for you. Your blood shall live on. Your intelligence shall live on. Your beliefs shall live on.

  I fell asleep and dreamed I was flying high over smiling faces.

  When I woke up in my jacuzzi, I turned on the TV while a servant fed me grapes.

  A priest was all over the news. Transdolphins threw ropes over Oannes's statue and pulled it over. The head came rolling off. I coughed out my grapes. I was horrified. The priest yelled into the camera.

  “The ocean is our true home! Land is dead! There is nothing for us here! We must go home!”

  The huge crowd behind him cheered. They were angry. Every one of them crazies had a sign with the word LOSER scribbled across a picture of my face.

  The priest went on.

  “Beth doesn't care about you! She just wants slaves to help build her personal heaven. Let's leave her on this dead island. My friends, I say it's time for us to finally go home.”

  I threw a coffee mug at the screen and got on the phone.

  “Dreslen, what the heck is going on outside? Who is this dolphin priest?”

  “He just popped up. Seems like he's been gathering folks for days, turning them against you.”

  “Against me? How many has he turned against me? What's the percentage?”

  He thought.

  “Something like...fifty percent.”

  “What!”

  “Sorry.”

  “I gotta do something about this!” I said, splashing in the jacuzzi. “I'm losing my grip on them!”

  “Calm down. Hope is not lost. Maybe there's something you can do.”

  “Like what?”

  “Can't you 'get rid' of him?”

  “Kill him? I can't. He's an innocent.”

  “Heretic.”

  “Say what?”

  “He is a heretic,” Dreslen said. “Think about it. That's what he is. No different from those others that swam into the sea and left us. Right?”

  “Hmmm,” I went. “Go on.”

  “If this rebel priest is against you, he's against God. Ain't no one more deserving to get cut up into tiny bits and buried than a heretic. Well, maybe a werewolf. But wh
at do I know? I'm just a lowly lawman.”

  It worked. I knew what I had to do. Just to be sure, I looked up and said, “Father, if you don't want me to end this priest, strike me down with lightning.”

  I hid under the bubbles.

  Nothing happened.

  LARS

  I just sat there and stared at the TV. No more programs of noisy static. There were others shows. Transdolphins had taken over the airwaves. Of particular interest was a cop drama called Dolphin Insider 1000, about a transdolphin police officer and his human sidekick. The funny thing was that the dolphin wore this embarrassingly fake human head, and it kept wanting to fall off. It was an enjoyable show. Good script. Good acting. Was Beth watching, too? I had to get into Waikiki. I had to see her. I had to see my love. I was burning for her. I went to my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and I closed my eyes and focused.

  Beth, I hope you can read my mind. I know you're out there. I miss you so much.

  When I woke up from my nap, Dora was standing over me, just looking at me. I told her I had to go out for a little while. Had things on my mind. Pressing issues. Mental arguments.

  “Where you heading off to?”

  I shrugged as I put on my shoes.

  “I need to find some beer. I'll be back soon.”

  “Those things could be running around!”

  “I'm not going near Waikiki.”

  “Promise me you won't.”

  “I promise.”

  It was a lie.

  As I got closer to Waikiki, I heard the sounds of construction. I hid behind a car and watched as the transdolphin construction workers with yellow hardhats worked on those big bulbs. Their foreman waved them away.

  “Okay, boys. Stand back now. Let's see her fry.”

  He messed around with a remote control, and all those bulbs came alive and popped with electricity. He threw a fish between two bulbs. There was a large BANG and a flash of light and a sizzle. Cooked, the fish dropped to the ground. The bulbs dimmed, and the fence flickered a few times and the lines of electricity faded away. Everyone clapped. The foreman nodded.

  “Good work. We're almost done. Let's move on.”

  They gathered their tools, jumped in their truck, and drove away.

  A bug flew past my face and made its way toward the fence. It sizzled, and I thought I heard a tiny scream. No way to get in. Where was the door? Beth, I thought. Are you in there? Are you alive? I want to talk to you. Just throw a few words back and forth. The idea thrilled me: Maybe we could get together over a cup of coffee. We'd look at each other and fall in love. She'd kiss me....