Transdolphin

  A sudden rage built up in my throat.

  “Where did they drive off to?”

  Everyone pointed in their general direction. I ran down the road. Some cars followed me, honking and cheering me on.

  Reckless driving? Disrespecting our elderly?

  I was going to find those irresponsible wolves and give them what for.

  I ended up on another freeway, this one in metro Honolulu. I sat on a sign and waited, staring down at the vehicles going by. I looked around. My ears picked up something far off in the distance: Crazy laughter. Bad giggling. Dangerous excitement getting close.

  I spotted a few werewolves cruising in a convertible. Stolen, I was sure. They were drunk and going all over the place. Other cars and trucks honked and called the werewolves foul things. It did nothing but encourage them. They threw vodka bottles into the air, shattering passing windshields. Again, that hot rage grew in me. Idiot beasts! Lives are at risk! Idiot, joyriding beasts!

  When they drove near, I jumped down into their convertible, bouncing on the backseat.

  “Howdy,” I said.

  The female werewolf crawled away from me.

  “Aw, shit! It's the Transdolphin!”

  I grabbed that werewolf by the face and broke her neck. Then I reached out for the werewolf in the passenger’s seat. He shrieked.

  “Toothus, stop the car!”

  The driver was all over the road. He was crying and mumbling: “Leben ist so geheimnisvoll. Leben ist so geheimnisvoll. Leben ist so geheimnisvoll....”

  The passenger tried to punch me, but I bit off his hand and picked him up and tossed him into a police car. Now it was the driver's turn – this Toothus. I wrapped my arm around his neck.

  “Stop the car! I just want to ask you something!”

  Toothus cried out and took a hard turn and drove into a tree. I flew out of the car and crashed into a house, sliding on the dining room table. The family sat there with their forks in their mouths. I was humiliated. I cleaned the food off my face and bowed and said, “Excuse me,” and ran out of there. Outside, Toothus was trying to start up his car. He yelled at it to work, weeping with snot all over his face and arms.

  I reached in and pulled him out by his hair and dragged him across the ground.

  “You can't do this to us!” he yelled. “You just can't!”

  I picked him up and faced him and said, “I've had enough of you fools. It's my time now.”

  “Let me go. Please! I have money for you. Let me fetch it for you.”

  I pulled the wolf's face close to my eyes.

  “Where's your hide out? Tell me, so I can go there and KILL you all.”

  The wolf laughed.

  “Ha! You? Kill us ALL? It is to laugh! You're stupid.”

  I picked him up – “Stupid!?” I snarled – and threw him to the ground. He bounced a few times and just sat there, crying into his arms. A police car was coming. I climbed a tree and hid. The cops parked (running over a mailbox) and arrested the werewolf. Must've been the same cops I threw that werewolf at, because their windshield was totaled. People ran out of their homes to see what all the commotion was about. When they saw those two werewolves sitting in the cop car, everyone cheered and clapped and danced around. Who brought that boombox playing Mexican music?

  “No more werewolves!” the people chanted. “Praise be to the Transdolphin!”

  It was outstanding. I couldn't stop smiling. I felt valued. I was useful. I was great.

  Soon, a fine crowd gathered around the cop car. People were drinking wine and eating cake and wearing party hats and blowing into noisemakers and popping fireworks. It was a grand party! Even the cops danced, shooting their guns into the air and stuffing their mouths with fried chicken with their pinkies in the air (their radios complained, but they ignored the negative, demanding voices). An angry Korean man with a sword chased a growling woman wearing a werewolf mask. He tackled her to the ground and pretended to murder her. The woman poured a bag of fake blood all over herself and moaned in pain. It was an act, of course. The woman stood up and took off her wolf mask and held it high and shrieked, “Death to the werewolves!”

  She sounded like a crazy person – eyes so wide and unblinking. Everyone pumped their fists into the air and repeated the line. The players bowed. Someone gave them trophies for the all right performance. General happiness all around. Such a wonderful night. So much merriment! Peace! When everyone left, I jumped down from the tree, scaring a barking dog, and ran down the street. A storm was coming.

  Time to find a new place....

  CHAPTER TWO

  More Dolphin

  LARS

  After she broke up with me, I stopped caring. I think I gained a hundred pounds that month (although it looked like three hundred). Just drank beer and ate cheese. My poop was green, sometimes blue? I didn't care. Maybe I was depressed. Odd. I didn't feel depressed. I just accepted all of it. The big release. Let it all in. Does this make sense?

  Flashback to that fatal morning: I remember being in bed and looking up at the ceiling for something like five hours. It felt like a knife was stuck in my heart. That, or I was suffering from some serious medical condition. Gadzooks. Now that I think about it, I should've seen a doctor. Oh, well. I lived through it. Thank you, Cheese. Thank you, Beer. Thank you, TV. You love me. You guys won't let me down. You guys won't leave me.

  Night was coming.

  Beth was calling for me....

  I went outside and stood in front of a mud sculpture I made in her likeness. It took me days to make the thing, and I remember working nonstop at it while high on beer. Much exhaustion; much joy. All worth it. The sculpture was huge. You had to jump as high as you could to touch her mouth with your fingertips, or at least have long elbows.

  “Beth, I need to see you so bad.”

  Why? Why was I torturing myself? Just let go. Why do we need to see the ones that hurt us? Why do we do this?

  “Beth, I'm empty without you.”

  I sat in my fat chair many nights and said that to myself over and over again like a crazy person:

  “Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you. Beth, I'm empty without you....”

  I started worrying about my sanity. Was I really saying those words? Was I really so far gone? It was all her fault, of course. She made me insane. Maybe success would bring her back to me. Maybe if I was big and powerful. I kept seeing myself in my mind's eye: Lars the werewolf, robbing banks, stealing cars – rich! Rich in my mansion! Living the good life. Is that what girls wanted? Would that impress Beth? Would she come running into my arms?

  The full moon was out.

  Almost time. She'll be on TV again.

  I waited that whole month to see her.

  I ran back inside and turned on the TV.

  And there she was.

  BETH

  The news was kind enough to give me tapes of all my appearances. I replayed the footage of when I threw the tire at that werewolf.

  “That's what you deserve!” I yelled in my cramped apartment in Chinatown to no one in particular, “Cook in Hell, you devil!”

  A Chinese woman next door banged on the wall with what I assumed to be a frying pan.

  “An-jing! Bi-zui! Please!”

  I didn't care. I just laughed and laughed, biting down on my knuckle. Me! That wonderful, powerful, righteous angel on TV is me. That's meeeee.

  I was inspired to take action. I went out that day and fed the homeless, walked more old people across the street, went door to door massaging the sick. It was an uplifting experience. I was addicted. And yet, people put their monies in my hand. They insisted! The more I gave of myself, the more money they offered. I could do nothing but shrug. It was fair. No need to be rude. Take the money. Smiles all around.

  I went to Waikiki beach when the sun ease
d down. I climbed up a palm tree and just sat there. Any minute now. Come on, Moon. Any minute. According to the news, that part of the beach was having trouble. Werewolf surfers using spiked balls on chains were robbing tourists. I was gonna find them and give them a beating. (The werewolves, not the tourists). Someone walked up to the tree.

  “Pizza delivery.”

  I threw the guy some money (with tip), and he threw up the box. As I ate, I examined my muscles.

  I was all lumpy. Was this attractive to people? I didn't understand it. It was like I had rocks under my skin. Very uncomfortable. I had trouble scratching certain sensitive places on my body below the waist. How would I use the bathroom? Very frustrating. I looked out over the ocean sparkling under the bare moon. There was a swimmer out there. The fellow seemed to be having a relaxing time, floating on his back. Because I was a dolphin, you'd think I'd be compelled to go in there and relax, too, but I felt nothing of the sort. Land was my home. The ocean felt like something I had outgrown, like a playpen. The earth was where the evolved – the master-race – roamed. Unlike a lot of humans, I was proving that I deserved to live in Hawaii, in paradise.

  Just then, a piece of trash carried by the wind slapped me in the face. Images of humans laughing and pissing on the beach, laughing and defecating in the ocean, laughing and littering the island shattered my brain like shotgun blasts. I bit my tongue.

  Disregard these hateful thoughts. Peace and love. Peace and love. Humans aren't all bad. Not all bad. Not all bad. Peace and love.

  People ran under my tree. It was that reporter, Dorfy Tinkgltop Esperanza, and her cameraman. Dorfy stared up at me, holding her microphone high.

  “Excuse me, Transdolphin. May we have a few words with you?”

  I snarled.

  “Not you again. Get away from here! Can't you see I'm working?”

  “Your adoring fans have a few questions for you. See? I'm holding a scroll. They love you so much.”

  I couldn't help but smile.

  “Fine, fine,” I said. “How many questions are there?”

  “Not many.”

  “Well, how many? Three? Four?”

  Dorfy scanned the scroll.

  “Over eight thousand.”

  My face exploded.

  “Whaaat! Eight thousand! Can that be right?!”

  I lost my grip and fell out of the tree, landing on a few coconuts, breaking them. I stood up and offered Dorfy some, shoving them in front of her face. The coconuts were a gift. I felt we got off on the wrong foot. I wanted to be friends. She didn't mean to annoy the hell out of me. She was just doing her job.

  I smiled.

  “Coconut? Experts on the internet call this 'functional food'. Devour some.”

  Dorfy shoved them away.

  “Get that filth out of my face! I'm allergic! I'll blow up!”

  Shocked, I threw the coconuts over the trees and caressed Dorfy's face with the back of my muscular dolphin-hand.

  “What's your damage?”

  She took in a few breaths and calmed down.

  “I'm sorry. That was creepy. My mother died on a Tuesday from eating coconut. It runs in the family.” She fixed her hair for the camera. “Transdolphin,” she began, “thank you for soothing me by caressing my face with the back of your muscular dolphin-hand, but will you answer these awesome questions or not? We're live! People are watching this right now. They want answers. Replies. Statements. They're curious about you. They want to learn all about you. It is the human way.”

  I heard a cry for help, on the ocean.

  It was that swimmer. Something had him.

  I pushed Dorfy away.

  “I don't have time for these useless questions! Don't follow me.”

  I ran off. Dorfy followed me and yelled into the camera.

  “This is it, folks! The action you've been waiting for. Remember, you saw it all here first! This is the best news program ever! Please only watch us for all your news. Help our ratings go up. We need more sponsors. I have bills! I haven't paid off all my student loans.”

  I dove into the ocean and swam to the man. It was amazing. I was a fantastic swimmer – jumping in and out of the water with my fellow normal dolphins. I could read their minds. They didn't think I was a freak. Far from it. They were fascinated by me. Attracted to me. Respected me. For their own safety, I told them through dolphin song to beat it before things got bloody. They bleeped back that they understood, and swam away, doing a variety of flips against the Moon.

  Showoffs.

  The man splashed about in a panic and called out for me.

  “Transdolphin! Do something! Wahhhhhhh!”

  A werewolf jumped out of the water and tackled the guy, biting his head off.

  I screamed, “Nooo! Not the head!” and put the werewolf in a stranglehold.

  A sea captain wearing an eye-patch, standing on a small fishing boat, pulled up, holding a speargun.

  “Aye! Hold'em, matey!” he said, aiming the weapon. “I have the scallywag in aim!”

  The werewolf wiggled out of my hold and jumped into the boat and bit the man's arms off.

  “Arrrrr!” he cried out. “My precious arms!”

  The speargun hit the ground and – shhing! – the spear shot out and went straight through the werewolf's eye. His brains splattered all over the ocean. Fish jumped up and enjoyed the meal. I nodded and saluted the sea captain's shivering corpse.

  “Dear sir, you shall be remembered.”

  A police boat came. The officers got out a few bags and mops and cleaned the place up. The morbidly obese chief – Dreslen – shook his head.

  “What a mess. Poor human. If only he could've been saved.” He looked at me. “Losing your touch, eh, Transdolphin?” He shook his head and grinned. “Too bad. So sad.”

  I swear – he seemed happy to say it.

  I growled at him and swam back toward land. The fool! I thought. How dare he insult me! So I slipped up. Big deal! I'm doing more good than those cops could ever dream! They're just lucky I'm on I'm their side. I demand respect! If I wasn't so holy, I'd pop his head off and shit down his neck!

  Seconds later, I was back on land and walking with my fists clenched. The beach was littered with tourists and security guards and photographers. I was blinded! A woman shoved her baby in my face.

  “Kiss my darling child!” she begged. “Get rid of the cancer inside her. Cure her! Please, Transdolphin!”

  I felt bad for the woman, but I wasn't in the mood to kiss her sickly child.

  “I'm sorry, woman,” I said. “But I'm not in the mood to kiss, lick, or peck your sickly child. If you'll give me your home phone number, I'll call you when I'm ready.”

  The woman turned her nose on me.

  “Hmph!” she went. “You're no angel – you're a heartless brute!”

  She ran through the crowd, shouting something about Satan and gold and cancer and Chinese astrology. I was baffled. I called out to her so I could apologize, but she just kept running, straight into a taxi. I'll never forget the look on that baby's face. Total disinterest. Was it putting a curse on me?

  An old man stood in front of me.

  “Please, Transdolphin! Please, O' holy one. Cure me of my dead leg. It stinks all the time and calls out to the rats during the wee hours of the night. Help!”

  I was astounded.

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Kiss it!” the old man pleaded. “Get on all fours and kiss my stink leg! I beg of youuuu....”

  I looked around.

  “Someone call this man a doctor. His leg is in need of desperate attention.”

  The old man turned around and faced the crowd.

  “Delay that order!” he yelled. Then to me, “What are you, stupid? I can't afford a doctor. Just kiss my leg so I can get a free cure. You have to do it.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because I pray every night, gaddamit! I haven't been going to church every Sunday for thirty years for nuttin'. I deserve t
his. Now grant my wish!”

  I backed away as everyone surrounded me. These people...they were begging, pleading me to cure their diseases and fix their limbs and help them win the lottery.

  “No. I'm not Jesus, you fools! I can't cure you! Get motivated and help your own damn selves!”

  Everyone turned sour.

  “How rude!” said one.

  “How bestial!” said another.

  Dorfy had her microphone on me again.

  “Where's the swimmer? Did you save him?”

  I covered the camera with my hand and shoved it away.

  “Begone, you vultures!”

  I ran off, crying in confusion, and jumped over some bushes and vanished into the city. Cars honked and banged into each other. Nothing serious. Drivers ran out and waved at me, oooing and awwwing. Japanese tourists snapped photos.

  “Watashi wa totemo ureshii!” they smiled. “Great! Awesome!”

  I climbed the side of a small bikini store and ran across rooftops. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep Dreslen from polluting my mind. I looked to my right and saw his ghostly figure running next to me.

  “You ain't no hero,” he was saying. “You're a failure. A charlatan. Normal and useless, just like everyone else. Yahahahah!”

  “You fat fool,” I growled. “You fat ass.”

  Even as I was in the middle of saving a pregnant woman from a burning surf shop, all I could think of was doing nasty things to that Dreslen: You ungrateful, plump bastard, I thought. I could kill you if I wanted to. Yessm. Listen up, you fat cow. I could break into your home and kill your family and no one would ever know it was me. I'm awesome like that.

  Next thing I know, I'm on another rooftop gazing out across the Honolulu city lights. I had to calm down. Not lose my cool. Be strong. Act like a professional. I had more work to do. The night was still fresh. Think straight. Regain control of your thoughts. Be holy. Be righteous. Be angelic. Love all. Fight those evil urges. Fight those crazy thoughts.