The Violet Hill Series

  “I’m so sorry. For what happened between us. I think . . . I think I just got scared and confused and I bailed. I bailed on us.” Oh, we were really doing this now. I looked around, but no one else was paying attention.

  “You broke my fucking heart,” I said and she flinched. Good.

  “I know. I broke mine in the process.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

  “I loved you. And that wasn’t easy for me, you know. I don’t love just anyone like that.” Being demi, I usually only went for people that I had a deep connection, like friendship, with before I could even begin to consider them boyfriend or girlfriend material. I had to know someone, really know them, before the other feelings came into play. I honestly didn’t know how other people could just pick someone to date and be like “sure, yeah, that one.” How the hell did that work? Things with Fiona had just sort of happened, but I hadn’t had anything like that with someone since, and not for lack of trying.

  “I know, I know.” Her face crumpled and she started to cry. Oh shit. Instinctively, I reached out to her and somehow she sort of fell over and into my lap.

  This was an interesting turn of events.

  “I’m so sorry, Cricket.” I nearly flinched at the sound of the nickname she’d given me. It was a long ridiculous story that I didn’t really entirely remember, but the nickname had stuck. I’d called her Ladybug. I hadn’t thought about those names in a long time.

  She wiped her eyes with her hands and looked up at me. Her face was blotchy, but she was still so fucking beautiful that it made me ache.

  “Hi,” she said in a quiet voice.

  “Hi, Ladybug,” I said, pushing her hair back from her face. She smiled and sat up, as if realizing what she’d done.

  “Oh, shit, I am sorry about that too.” She dove out of my lap and got back into her seat, wiping her eyes with a napkin.

  “I’m just a hot mess, aren’t I?” she said, laughing. A beautiful hot mess.

  That same feeling was creeping back and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

  “Do you want to go somewhere to talk?” I blurted out. Now that we’d started, there were more things to say. Stuff we needed to get out. When we’d broken up, it had felt like we’d stopped everything in the middle of a sentence. I needed to finish it and put a period on it so I could move on. And I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who still needed closure of some kind.

  She nodded.

  “Okay, sure.”

  Three

  We ended up at our old high school, which wasn’t far from the café. I sat down on a bench near the track and she sat next to me. The night was steamy and warm. No doubt in a few hours the temperature would drop and I’d be shivering on the couch at Anna’s apartment. Maine weather was fun like that.

  I looked over at Fiona and I could tell she wasn’t thinking about the weather. Her eyes were far away, maybe lost in memories. Shit, now I was too. I turned and looked at the bleachers. The same bleachers we’d made out under years ago.

  “We were young, weren’t we?” she said quietly.

  “Yeah, we were.” We still were. I honestly didn’t feel like an adult yet. I was still waiting for confidence and certainty.

  “I loved you, you know that, right? I really, really did.” I knew. I’d loved her too. A part of me still did.

  “Then why did you end it?” I asked. This was what we were here for. To dredge up the old so we could get it all out in the open and move on.

  She sighed and then I saw silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t brush them away.

  “So many reasons that don’t seem nearly as important as they did back then. I was scared and worried and questioning everything and I knew we were going away to college and I just didn’t see how we could make it work. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you enough. It was that I let other things get in the way. And I wrecked the best thing that ever happened to me.” Fiona sniffed and looked down at her folded hands.

  “I’m sorry, too. I made mistakes. This isn’t all on you.” And it wasn’t. We’d fought about petty things and I’d made careless comments. We’d both been young and it was the first relationship for us both. I didn’t know how to have a girlfriend and she hadn’t either. But there had been good moments too. Really good moments.

  “If I could go back in time, I would have fought for you. For us. I wouldn’t have let all that other bullshit make me afraid.” She finally turned to me and leaned closer.

  “I miss you so much, Cricket. I think about you every day. Sometimes it feels like you’re just waiting in the next room. I expect you to walk in and smile at me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.” I swallowed around a lump in my throat. Tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to let them. I shut off a lot of things after the breakup because I didn’t want to leave myself that vulnerable again.

  “I miss you, too,” I said, nearly choking on the words. She leaned over and put her head on my shoulder. Just that touch and I’m thrown back into high school when we used to drive around and sing to the radio. When we used to get soft serve cones; chocolate for her and vanilla for me. When we used to kiss in the backseat of her car and get our legs all tangled up.

  “I had this weird feeling I was going to see you today,” she said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. I had a dream about you last night. That usually means I’m going to see someone. When I dream about them.” Fiona was a big believer in dreams and astrology and that kind of thing. I wasn’t so sure. I was more practical, I guess. I wasn’t as much of a dreamer as she was.

  “What kind of dream was it?” I asked, scooting a tiny bit closer to her so our legs were touching.

  “You were just . . . there. Standing beside me. Wearing this beautiful white dress that floated around.” I snorted. I couldn’t imagine myself wearing a gauzy white dress. Currently I had on ripped jeans, an old tank, and Chucks that were so dirty they should be thrown out, but I didn’t have another pair.

  “And I looked over at you and you smiled and kissed me.”

  “Anything else?” I was wondering if the dream had taken a dirty turn.

  “No. You were just . . . there. And I felt safe again.” She turned her head and our faces were so close that her breath stirred the little wisps that had escaped my ponytail.

  “And then there you were in the café, and I wondered if it was a sign.” If I hadn’t been so captivated by her, I would have rolled my eyes. Fiona and her signs.

  “A sign of what? Doom?” I had thought she would laugh, but she didn’t. Instead she raised her hand and stroked her fingertips on my cheek.

  “No. A sign that we weren’t done. Not yet.” I moved my face away.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don’t think that your dream and then running into me is a sign that we’re getting back together, do you? Because no.” I crossed my arms and moved away from her. My skin buzzed with the way I used to feel when we’d kiss. Like I couldn’t breathe, but that I didn’t care.

  She was scrambling my brain again and I needed to think and focus. I couldn’t fall back into her arms again. No way.

  “Serena,” she said, touching my arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that it felt like we needed to talk. Just talk.” I looked back over at her and I only saw sincerity in her brown eyes. I let out a breath.

  “Okay. Talking is fine. So let’s talk.” She opened her mouth, but then changed her mind.

  “You first.”

  Now I rolled my eyes.

  *^*^*

  An hour later we were both starving. It had taken a little bit longer for us to fall into our old habits, but they were there. She’d had me laughing my ass off about her roommate, who had a pet snake that was constantly escaping and winding up in odd places.

  “I mean, I don’t have a problem with the snake, but it’s a little unnerving when you reach for a pen and pick up a snake instead.” I shuddered.

  “Yeah, no thanks. I would drop that
snake off at the first animal shelter I could find and never say a word to the roommate. Snakes don’t belong in dorm rooms.” She flicked her tongue out and made a hissing noise.

  “Oh my god, stop it, stop it right now!” I said, putting my hands up to defend myself. She just kept hissing and then I got off the picnic table and she chased me around the track field until we both fell on the grass and rolled over onto our backs, laughing until we couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed with someone like that.

  “So, have you dated anyone at school?” she asked. I sat up and pulled up a few blades of grass, tying them together.

  “Not really. You?” I didn’t want to talk about dating with her.

  “I’ve gone on dates, but no one stuck.” She shrugged her shoulders like it didn’t bother her.

  “Yeah, I’ve gone out with people, but I haven’t felt that spark.” And I hadn’t fallen for any of my friends, either. It was fine. I was still young and in college and I didn’t think I needed someone right now. I had enough to deal with.

  “Me neither,” she said with a sigh. I continued to pull up blades of grass and tie them together.

  “Do you want to get something to eat?” My stomach was going to start growling any minute.

  “Uh, sure. Did you want to go somewhere?” Not really. But the only other option was going to Anna’s. I sent her a quick text asking if it was okay that I brought Fiona over. She knew Fiona and they got along.

  You’re hanging out with your ex? Are you sure that’s a good idea?

  Probably not.

  We’re just sorting things out from years ago. No big deal.

  It wasn’t. I didn’t think. I just wouldn’t make it a big deal.

  Yeah, sure. There’s a frozen pizza in the freezer if you want to put it in the oven, I should be back by the time it’s done.

  “You can come back to Anna’s. Her girlfriend is out of town, so it will be just the three of us. Is pizza okay?” She nodded and I stood up. I held my hand out to help her up and she took it. Fiona was taller than me by a few inches and I’d always liked being the shorter one. My hand lingered in hers for a few seconds and then I took it back and dusted it off on my jeans.

  “Let’s go.”

  Four

  “Wow, this is really nice,” Fiona said when I showed her the apartment.

  “Yeah, I’m really fortunate that Anna had room for me. But I would have slept on the floor rather than go back to my parent’s house this summer. Wine?” She nodded and I filled a glass with a sweet red that Anna had several bottles of.

  She drifted around the apartment, paying attention to Lacey’s photographs and the framed articles that Anna had put up everywhere.

  “So, Lacey is a journalist?” I handed her the glass of wine and she clinked it against mine before taking a sip.

  “More of a photographer turned journalist. She travels all around writing articles and taking pictures of people. She also does boudoir photography specifically for queer people as well.” I motioned to the studio-slash-my-bedroom.

  “That’s really cool,” she said, looking around at the lighting equipment and various props that were stacked in corners and shoved away. Every day I made sure to keep the studio as clean as possible so Lacey wouldn’t come back to a disaster in her work space. I wanted to be a good guest, even if they wouldn’t let me pay rent. I could unload the dishwasher and vacuum and keep my shit looking nice. It was the least I could do.

  “Yeah, I haven’t met Lacey yet, but Anna loves her, so I’m sure she’s great.” Murder chose that moment to make his appearance and jumped up on the couch.

  “Hey, little monster,” I said, leaning down to scratch his ears the way he liked.

  “Oh, isn’t he pretty,” Fiona said, holding her hand out to Murder so he could butt it with his head.

  “This is Murder and he’s a good boy,” I said. Murder was going nuts with all the pets and attention and rolled over for belly rubs.

  We both nearly jumped when the door opened and Anna called out.

  “We’re just petting Murder,” I said.

  “I swear that cat is the most spoiled cat on the face of the planet.” She looked burned out and tired, but she had a glass of wine in her hand when she walked into the studio.

  “Hey, Fiona. Nice to see you again.” She gave Fiona a hug and me a look that told me she was keeping her eyes on us. She didn’t need to worry. We were good now. Or we were on our way to being good.

  “Pizza is in the oven,” I said, and like it was meant to be, the timer dinged.

  “Good, I’m starved,” Anna said. “I’m going to take the quickest shower possible if you don’t mind.” I shook my head as she walked to the bathroom.

  “She’s the same,” Fiona said. “Well, except for the hair.” That was true. Anna hadn’t always had purple hair, but looking at her now, it suited her so well that it looked like it was meant to be.

  “Some things don’t change,” I said. Fiona nodded and we went to get the pizza out of the oven.

  *^*^*

  “I had forgotten about that!” Anna said when we were talking about adolescent hijinks. Since she was my older cousin she had helped with a lot of our worse misdeeds. Fiona had been around for a lot of that.

  “Yeah, I thought my parents were going to ground me for the rest of my natural life,” I said, remembering the time when we’d had a party in a back field and it had gotten way out of hand and somehow one of my friends had ended up passed out naked on the principal’s lawn the next morning. I hadn’t been responsible for that, but the party had been my idea. Still, I hadn’t forced anyone to get drunk and naked.

  “I swear, I thought I was going to jail,” Fiona said. Her parents hadn’t been any more lenient than mine and had grounded her from seeing me (except for school) for a month, but it didn’t really work that well. Especially since they both went to bed early and were heavy sleepers and her bedroom was on the first floor. Seriously, did they think that was going to work?

  “You and me both,” I said. The wine had gone to my blood and I was feeling safe and warm. Fiona had always had that effect on me. No matter who else I was with, as long as she was there, I felt grounded.

  The pizza was gone and so was the bottle of wine and Anna was practically falling asleep at the table.

  “Ugh, I have some work to do, so I’m going to go in the bedroom and see how much I can get done before I pass out. Sorry for bailing on you, but it’s been a long day.” Her speech was punctuated with a yawn.

  “No, it’s fine. I should probably get going anyway,” Fiona said. It wasn’t that late, and I realized that I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t have to work the next day and planned on hanging out at the house, at least until Lacey got back. Anna had to work, so it was probably going to be a little awkward at first and I’d wanted to avoid that as much as possible.

  Anna bid us goodnight and shuffled off to the bedroom.

  “You don’t have to go. I mean, not right now. If you don’t want to,” I said in a rush.

  “Okay,” she said, picking up the plates and heading to the sink to rinse them off. I followed her with the rest and we got the dishes in the dishwasher and then drifted over to the couch.

  “This is really nice,” she said. “That you don’t have to stay with your parents.” I nodded.

  “I don’t know if I could have lasted with them for an entire summer. I’m going to have to figure something out for next year, but for right now, I’m good.” If I could afford to, I would have gotten my own apartment, but there was no way I could afford that right now. School was too expensive, even though I’d gotten a ton of loans to pay for it.

  “I know what you mean,” she said, slipping her shoes off and pulling her feet up on the couch.

  Murder appeared again and jumped up between us for more affection.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to stay with them.” She nodded.

  “It’s okay. I’m tough and I
can take it. And someday I’ll have my own place and I’ll only have to see them on holidays.” I was also looking forward to that time.

  “Is it really bad?” I asked. Fiona didn’t like to talk about her parents a whole lot, even when we were younger. She’d just shut down and clam up when I asked.

  “No, it’s not. It’s really not.” She busied herself with scratching under Murder’s chin.

  “Is there somewhere else you could go?” She shook her head and looked up.

  “It’s fine. It’s temporary. And they’re paying for me to go to school.” I was in a similar boat. If my parents decided they didn’t want to help me with school, I’d be fucked.

  “We can talk about something else if you want,” I said, petting the spot on Murder’s back that he loved. “Or we could watch a movie? Quietly, because Anna’s sleeping.”

  “No, I should go. This has been . . . a day.” It had been. I was going to be up pretty late thinking about everything that had happened. Everything that had been said, on both sides.

  “It has,” I agreed and we both got up as I walked her to the door.

  “Thank you,” she said, gripping my shoulder. For a second I thought she was going to pull me close and kiss me. As if it was nothing. As if it was just something she wanted to do. If she kissed me right now, I wouldn’t know what to do. Or how I would react. Part of me would want to push her away and another part of me, a part I would have liked to ignore, would want to pull her closer.

  But she didn’t kiss me, and I was definitely going to ponder what would have happened if she had.

  “Text me,” I blurted out.

  “Okay,” she said, giving me a lopsided smile that made my heart flip over and remember all the other times she’d given me that smile.