Jurgen: A Comedy of Justice

  34.

  How Emperor Jurgen Fared Infernally

  Now the tale tells how the devils of Hell were in one of their churchescelebrating Christmas in such manner as the devils observe that day;and how Jurgen came through the trapdoor in the vestry-room; and howhe saw and wondered over the creatures which inhabited this place. Forto him after the Christmas services came all such devils as his fathershad foretold, and in not a hair or scale or talon did they differ fromthe worst that anybody had been able to imagine.

  "Anatomy is hereabouts even more inconsequent than in Cocaigne," wasJurgen's first reflection. But the first thing the devils did was tosearch Jurgen very carefully, in order to make sure he was notbringing any water into Hell.

  "Now, who may you be, that come to us alive, in a fine shirt ofwhich we never saw the like before?" asked Dithican. He had the headof a tiger, but otherwise the appearance of a large bird, withshining feathers and four feet: his neck was yellow, his body green,and his feet black.

  "It would not be treating honestly with you to deny that I am theEmperor of Noumaria," said Jurgen, somewhat advancing his estate.

  Now spoke Amaimon, in the form of a thick suet-colored worm goingupright upon his tail, which shone like the tail of a glowworm. Hehad no feet, but under his chops were two short hands, and upon hisback were bristles such as grow upon hedgehogs.

  "But we are rather overrun with emperors," said Amaimon, doubtfully,"and their crimes are a great trouble to us. Were you a very wickedruler?"

  "Never since I became an emperor," replied Jurgen, "has any of mysubjects uttered one word of complaint against me. So it stands toreason I have nothing very serious with which to reproach myself."

  "Your conscience, then, does not demand that you be punished?"

  "My conscience, gentlemen, is too well-bred to insist on anything."

  "You do not even wish to be tortured?"

  "Well, I admit I had expected something of the sort. But none theless, I will not make a point of it," said Jurgen, handsomely. "No,I shall be quite satisfied even though you do not torture me atall."

  And then the mob of devils made a great to-do over Jurgen.

  "For it is exceedingly good to have at least one unpretentious andundictatorial human being in Hell. Nobody as a rule drops in on ussave inordinately proud and conscientious ghosts, whose self-conceitis intolerable, and whose demands are outrageous."

  "How can that be?"

  "Why, we have to punish them. Of course they are not properlypunished until they are convinced that what is happening to them isjust and adequate. And you have no notion what elaborate torturesthey insist their exceeding wickedness has merited, as though thatwhich they did or left undone could possibly matter to anybody. Andto contrive these torments quite tires us out."

  "But wherefore is this place called the Hell of my fathers?"

  "Because your forefathers builded it in dreams," they told him, "outof the pride which led them to believe that what they did was ofsufficient importance to merit punishment. Or so at least we haveheard: but if you want the truth of the matter you must go to ourGrandfather at Barathum."

  "I shall go to him, then. And do my own grandfathers, and all theforefathers that I had in the old time, inhabit this gray place?"

  "All such as are born with what they call a conscience come hither,"the devils said. "Do you think you could persuade them to goelsewhere? For in that event, we would be deeply obliged to you.Their self-conceit is pitiful: but it is also a nuisance, because itprevents our getting any rest."

  "Perhaps I can help you to obtain justice, and certainly to attemptto secure justice for you is my imperial duty. But who governs thiscountry?"

  They told him how Hell was divided into principalities that had forgovernors Lucifer and Beelzebub and Belial and Ascheroth andPhlegeton: but that over all these was Grandfather Satan, who livedin the Black House at Barathum.

  "Well, I prefer," says Jurgen, "to deal directly with yourprincipal, especially if he can explain the polity of this insaneand murky country. Do some of you conduct me to him in such state asbecomes an emperor!"

  So Cannagosta fetched a wheelbarrow, and Jurgen got into it, andCannagosta trundled him away. Cannagosta was something like an ox,but rather more like a cat, and his hair was curly.

  And as they came through Chorasma, a very uncomfortable place wherethe damned abide in torment, whom should Jurgen see but his ownfather, Coth, the son of Smoit and Steinvor, standing there chewinghis long moustaches in the midst of an especially tall flame.

  "Do you stop now for a moment!" says Jurgen, to his escort.

  "Oh, but this is the most vexatious person in all Hell!" criedCannagosta; "and a person whom there is absolutely no pleasing!"

  "Nobody knows that better than I," says Jurgen.

  And Jurgen civilly bade his father good-day, but Coth did notrecognize this spruce young Emperor of Noumaria, who went about Hellin a wheelbarrow.

  "You do not know me, then?" says Jurgen.

  "How should I know you when I never saw you before?" replied Coth,irritably.

  And Jurgen did not argue the point: for he knew that he and hisfather could never agree about anything. So Jurgen kept silent forthat time, and Cannagosta wheeled him through the gray twilight,descending always deeper and yet deeper into the lowlands of Hell,until they had come to Barathum.