Searching for Beautiful

Page 23

  Author: Nyrae Dawn “Sit down, then, we’ll figure it out now. ” He looks over at me and I hate that he’s checking to make sure I’m okay. I’ve known these people my whole life. I shouldn’t let myself be freaked out because of them and I won’t. Not anymore. I’ve actually started to be happy lately and I’m not going to let them change that.

  Kevin sits down and Diana follows right behind him. Then Todd and Ellie and Ian last, just like I thought he would be.

  Ellie and Diana start to talk to each other while Kevin and Christian discuss their English project. I listen to Kevin and Christian as they try to figure out what they want to write their discussion paper on.

  “What about great literary loves?” It jumps out of my mouth. All the eyes in the circle shoot to me like they’re shocked I spoke. It fuels me, makes me eager to prove I’m not that girl. The girl who can’t just relax and be herself. Who can’t really talk.

  “That sounds more like a chick thing to me,” Kevin says and I roll my eyes at him.

  “Then go at it from a different direction,” I tell him. “Compare those characters who everyone thinks have the best love story and tear it apart. Romeo and Juliet? They fell in love just with one look? I’m sure you guys disagree with that. ”

  I’m not sure if I do. I used to believe in love at first sight. That’s what Mom had with Dad. It hadn’t been one look that made me fall for Jason, but by the end of that one night, I thought he was special. Thought because he called me beautiful, it meant something.

  “I like where you’re going with that, Bryntastic. ”

  “Why do you call her that?” Ian cuts in.

  Christian doesn’t miss a beat. “Why do you give a shit?”

  Ian shakes his head but doesn’t push it. Christian and Kevin both turn their attention back to me. Todd is kind of just hanging out not really paying attention to any of the rest of us. When I look at Ellie and Diana, both of them turn quickly, as though they weren’t looking at me. Not as though they’re angry, though…maybe curious?

  “You going to tell us more, or what?” Christian asks.

  Letting out a deep breath, I say, “Yeah, yeah, I am. ”

  We spend the rest of lunch talking about Christian and Kevin’s project. When the bell rings, Christian pushes to his feet and holds out his hand to help me stand up. It’s so simple, but not something any boy besides Christian has done for me. That says something about the kind of guys I used to like. No, not me, I think. Them.

  “Thanks for the help, Brynn,” Kevin says before grabbing Diana’s hand and walking away. Before I know it, people are moving all around us, but Christian is the only one left from the circle of people who were just sitting on the floor.

  “You gonna help us write it, too?” Christian winks. I shake my head but don’t answer. All I can do is smile. Ellie and Diana might not have talked to me, but that’s okay. I didn’t let it stop me from joining in, and I want to bask in that for a little longer.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Now

  “How have things been going, Brynn?” Valerie asks as we sit in her office.

  I’m picking at my jeans and not really looking at her, but I do answer truthfully. “Better. ”

  “That’s good. Before you would have told me everything’s fine when we both knew it wasn’t. Admitting things are better is not just being honest about them being bad before but it also shows your growth in moving away from keeping everything to yourself. I’m proud of you. ”

  I look up at her, surprised she got all of that. I didn’t mean for it to be a big thing. It was just how I felt. “You got all of that out of the word ‘better’?”

  She laughs. I’m pretty sure it’s the first time I’ve seen her do it. “Yes, I did. We counselors are funny that way. We’re always looking for hidden meanings. Do you think you can tell me how things are better?”

  I stall for a minute, trying to decide what to say. Then I realize thinking about it just makes things worse. I’m always overthinking everything, and maybe I just need to open my mouth and speak. “Emery and I went to the movies. We’ve been texting, too. ”

  “That’s good. I see you guys hang out here a lot. ”

  “I missed having a friend. ”

  “I think she’s a good one to have. Emery’s a special girl. You two can be there for each other. Everyone needs someone to lean on. Anything else?” she asks.

  “I don’t know. ” I shrug. “I just feel more like me. Not perfect, but different than I did a few weeks ago. Christian and I are friends, too. I’ve also been talking to Brenda. And trying…just trying to be me. ”

  Valerie leans forward. “No matter what happened, you’ve always been you. I’m glad you’re finding comfort in your new friends, though. What about your dad? How are things at home?”

  A pain pierces me at that. I miss my dad so much. He’s there but…out of reach. Fear burns through me, making me scared I pushed him too far. That he really does wish they hadn’t adopted me. “It’s fine. ”

  “Ah, there’s that word again. Most of the time when people say they’re fine, they’re really not. I see your dad is off topic for now but it can’t stay that way. You’ve made progress this week, so I’ll let it slide. ”

  We talk a little bit about pottery after that. I don’t tell her I haven’t made anything, but I do share how much I love it. Valerie seems honestly interested in it, which is kind of cool.

  Our session is over before I know it, so I go find Emery. We sit in our favorite corner at the center, people doing their thing all around us; chatting, playing video games, pool, and other games. Brenda has fluttered through a few times. She’s like this huge ball of energy, with a smile on her face.

  My session with Valerie sticks in my mind. Her words about Emery specifically—about how we can be there for each other the way Diana, Ellie, and I used to be.

  “You’re quiet. What’s up?” Emery asks.

  I shrug, thinking about seeing her with Max and not sure if I should bring it up or not. But then, how many times had I wished someone would take the choice away from me and open the lines of communication? Maybe I need to do that here. “I saw Max at the movies…I know you said not to mention him, so I wasn’t sure what was going on with you guys. Or why you lied about him picking you up. ”

  Emery groans. “I know what I’m doing. I’m not stupid. ” The anger in her voice pricks at me.

  “I didn’t say you were. I don’t even know what happened,” I snap back.

  She shakes her head before burying her face in her hands. It doesn’t seem like something Emery would do. “Ugh. I’m sorry,” she says into her hands.

  “What’s the deal with him, Emery? Why did you tell me not to say anything about him?” I have no right to harass her like this. I didn’t tell about Jason.

  Instead of replying, she says, “He’s the baby’s dad. He’s eighteen and of course wants nothing to do with us. I thought maybe… Does it make me sound horrible that I thought maybe if I was having a boy it would change his mind?”

  “I don’t know,” I tell her and it’s true. Maybe that’s why my mom got rid of me. Maybe it was because her boyfriend wanted a boy, so she gave me up.

  “That’s why I was kind of bummed when I found out she’s a girl. That probably makes me the worst mom ever. Not that I’m going to be her mom. ”

  My lies about Jason shove their way in. How I told my friends I was the one who didn’t want them to meet him when it was really his choice. “It doesn’t make you a bad anything. Sometimes we all do or think crazy things. Maybe it just makes us human. ”

  She nods and mumbles a thank-you before continuing. “Anyway, we got into a fight one time and…he hurt me, but it wasn’t really that big a deal. I egged him on. I was yelling at him and calling him names and he just snapped. That’s why I’m not supposed to be around him—”

  “Emery—”

  “He won’
t hurt me again. And I wouldn’t let him. I don’t even really spend time with him. I just wanted to tell him about the baby. That’s the only reason I got in touch with him the other day. He deserves to know that, right? I’m not sure why he showed up at the movies. It’s not like I invited him. ”

  I can tell I’ve pissed her off, but still, I say, “You were texting him. ”

  “Wow. Thanks for keeping such close tabs on me, Mom. ”

  Her words almost feel like a slap. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you. ” Because something happened to me. Jason didn’t hit me, but he hurt my spirit. He didn’t want me or our baby and he lied to me.

  Emery sighs and looks at me. “I know, and I’m sorry I freaked, okay? I promise I’m not doing anything stupid. I even told him at the movies that I don’t want to see him again. I haven’t texted him since. I’m not going to do something that will hurt the baby. ”

  “Or you,” I tell her.

  “Or me. ” This makes her smile. “Now what about you? I just told you something huge, Brynn. Now it’s your turn. This is a give-and-take friendship. ” She smiles. It’s almost impossible to be in a bad mood around Emery.

  This is my chance to get out the fact that I’ve seen Jason and for me to make a vow that I won’t see him again. “The guy who was the father of my baby… I’m not supposed to see him, either. But I have. Only once and it was an accident, but I also talked to him. And he called me once, too. If my dad found out, he’d freak. ” He’d more than freak. He’d want to go to the police or something.

  Her eyes stretch to the size of quarters and then turn accusatory. “So you’re doing the same thing I did?”

  “No. ” I shake my head. “Jason never hurt me like that and I would never leave with him. I don’t even want to see him again. If my dad found out, he’d lose it. ”

  “He never hurt you?” The way her eyes dart to the ground makes it seem like she’s almost wishing he had. Not that I believe Emery wants me hurt, but maybe she doesn’t want to be alone.

  “Not physically, but he did in every other way. ” The urge to give her something else hits me. To show her she’s not the only one who can make a mistake. “And I let him get away with it. Let him manipulate me—and I guess I still am. ”

  She doesn’t ask me anything after that. I jump a little when she reaches over and grabs my hand. We sit like that for what seems like hours, but I know it can’t be. It just feels good to have her support. To know she’s there. When it’s time to leave, Emery looks over at me. “About Max…I promise I’m not going to see him again. You really won’t say anything, will you?”

  “Let’s make a pact,” I say. “We both promise not to see our exes again, and if they try to see us, we’ll tell someone else. We need to prove to them they can’t take advantage of us anymore. ” The words fill me up like nothing has in a long time. I’m going to do this, and I will do it with my friend Emery.

  She nods. “Let’s do it. ”

  “Promise?”

  “Trust me. ”

  And I do. I wanted people to automatically believe in me when it came to Jason, so I’m going to do the same for Emery.

  …

  “I’m thinking we should make a trip into your pottery room today,” Christian tells me as he drives us home from school the next day.

  “I don’t feel like it. ” The words come out of my mouth before I think about them.

  “Liar. ”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were me. ” I cross my arms.