Leaving

  She was set up in the room upstairs, the one she’d painted in for years — even before she and Landon bought the Baxter house. It was Tuesday morning and Cole was at school. Janessa and Devin were downstairs with Landon, who was off today. They had plans to feed the ducks at the pond just off the Indiana University campus. Devin already had the bread ripped into little pieces.

  “Mommy!” She heard his little-boy voice and the sound of heavy tennis shoes on the stairs. “You done paintin’?”

  She smiled. Devin still thought her paintings took about as long as his. “Not yet, baby.” She set her paintbrush on the table beside her and brushed her hands against her apron just as Devin raced into the room.

  “Daddy’s going for a run.” He was breathless, peanut butter smeared on his cheek. “So can this be a break?”

  “Of course.” She stooped low and kissed his head. Then she took his sticky hand in hers and they headed downstairs. “Is Nessa having a snack, too?”

  “Yeah, but you know.” Devin made a disgusted face and shook his head. He released her hand and spread his arms open wide. “She has a mess all over the place.” His brow raised, his tone more concerned. “Not sure if she got any inside her tummy.”

  Ashley laughed quietly. She could picture the scene — both kids covered in peanut butter and cracker crumbs. Perfect time for Landon to take a run. Before they reached the kitchen, Ashley was about to call to her husband, tell him he could get to his run, but she heard him cough. Once … twice … and again.

  Alarm filled Devin’s face as he looked straight up at her. “Is Daddy sick?”

  “No, honey.” Ashley had to work to keep her tone even. “I don’t think so.”

  They rounded the corner into the kitchen and Landon was near the sink, downing a glass of water. He held up his finger in her direction and took another sip. As he swallowed it, he cleared his throat and shook his head. “I’m fine. Just a tickle.”

  “Landon …” she didn’t want to overreact. His cough had settled down in the days after the warehouse fire, so maybe it was just a tickle. But still … She went to him and put her hand on his shoulder. “Maybe you shouldn’t run.”

  “I’m fine.” He set the glass down, put his hand alongside her face, and kissed her. The way his lips lingered against hers made her almost forget where they were, or that the kids were sitting at the dining room table.

  She took a step back and laughed. “If that was proof, I guess I can’t argue.” Her eyes locked on his, and she looked as deeply as she could, searching for a sign that he was hiding something, or that he was more worried about his health than he let on. But his eyes only mirrored the desire his kiss had stirred in her. He shrugged and gave her an innocent grin. “Like I said … I’m great.”

  Ashley studied him, not quite ready to give in. He wore navy running shorts and a long-sleeved white Under Armour shirt, which clung to his torso. He certainly looked healthy. She moved in closer and put her arms around his neck. This time she initiated the kiss, and it lasted longer than before.

  “That’s called sharing germs.” Devin had been helping pick up cracker pieces from around Janessa’s highchair. Now he came up and put one hand on Ashley’s leg, the other on Landon’s. “That’s what my Sunday school teacher said.”

  Ashley rotated so that she was still in Landon’s arms, but now they were both facing their middle child. She tried not to laugh as she shared a quick look with Landon, and then turned her eyes back to Devin. “Can I ask … why your Sunday school teacher was talking about kissing and germs?”

  “Cause …” He grinned, and his resemblance to Landon was uncanny. “I asked Bella if I could kiss her, and she said no. So I said why not, and teacher said kissing shares germs.”

  “You asked Bella James if you could kiss her?” Landon’s expression was a mix of shock and humor, like he didn’t know whether to reprimand Devin or laugh out loud. He gave Ashley a look, as if to say this was what they deserved for all the kissing they did in front of the kids.

  In her highchair, Janessa was drinking milk from her sippy cup, content to watch.

  “Well …” Devin shrugged, his expression more meek than before. “At least I asked first.”

  “Oh, boy,” Ashley muttered quietly to herself. She put her hand to her face, trying to imagine the waters they would navigate in the years to come. Cole had always teased the girls, but Devin was the charmer. She lowered her hand and tried to find her kindest — but most stern — tone. “Devin, kissing is for mommies and daddies. Not for children. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, Mommy.” Devin hung his head a little, his eyes still on her. He blinked a few times and then looked at Landon. “Even if I’m gonna marry Bella?”

  Bella was the daughter of the new associate pastor. She had long curly red hair and bright blue eyes. Devin talked about her every Sunday. This time, Landon let out a slight laugh, but he covered it up with another cough. “I think you have a little time before you have to decide.” Landon tousled Devin’s blond hair. “How ‘bout you finish cleaning up with your sister.”

  “Okay.” Devin grinned again, no doubt grateful that the moment of discipline was over. He hesitated. “Just kidding, Mommy.” He threw his arms around her legs and hugged her tight. “I’m gonna marry you, okay?”

  “Hey,” Landon put his hands on his hips, pretending to be offended. “She’s my wife.”

  “Mine!” Devin held on tighter, giggling out loud. This was a game he loved to play, and usually it ended in a wrestling and tickling session on the living room floor.

  But this time Landon kissed Ashley’s cheek. “I might have to give in just this once.” He gave Devin a few playful pokes in the ribs. “But when I get back from running, we’ll wrestle to see who’s the winner. Okay, buddy?”

  “Me!” This time Devin included Landon in the hug, and then he ran off to Nessa.

  Ashley put her arms around Landon again and whispered against his handsome cheek. “See what we started?”

  “Ahh, it’s okay.” He kissed her again, quicker than before. “Germs are good for married people.” He rubbed his nose against hers. “At least our kids will know what love looks like.”

  “True.” Ashley didn’t want the moment to end. The kitchen was warm and smelled like cinnamon tea and fresh bread, which Landon was baking in the oven — something he liked to do with the kids once in a while. Outside, the morning was clear but chillier than usual for mid-March. There were still several piles of snow that hadn’t fully melted. She nuzzled against his face. “Mmmm, I like this. Being with you.”

  “Me, too.” He drew back enough to make eye contact with her again. “Maybe we take a nap when the kids do.” He smiled, the two of them lost in the nearness of each other. “But first … I have to run.”

  She sighed. “I know.” Reluctantly she released her hold on him. “Don’t push yourself, okay?”

  Landon only smiled and gave a lighthearted salute as he headed for the front of the house. “Be back in half an hour.” She heard him head outside, heard the door close behind him, and for a few seconds she held her breath. Father, please … watch over him. His cough makes me so worried, Lord.

  She didn’t hear a response, but she didn’t really expect one either. Janessa was shaking her highchair, giggling at her brother. “Devins funny, Mommy! Look at Devin!” Her son was crawling around the floor pretending to be a puppy, picking up cracker pieces with his mouth.

  Ashley tried to memorize the way they looked, Janessa still small enough for her highchair and Devin sniffing around the floor like a hungry puppy. “Devin, stop.” She couldn’t help but laugh along with Janessa. “You’re the cutest doggie ever, but talk about getting germs!”

  Devin lifted his head and wagged his backside, a cracker sticking out between his teeth. He crawled to Ashley and dropped the cracker into the palm of her hand. “Ruff! Ruff, ruff!”

  “Yes, well … Just make sure you eat your food at the table.” She patted his head. “Like all go
od doggies.”

  “Doggy cleans the mess, Mommy!” Janessa banged her hands against her tray again.

  “Time to get you cleaned up, little girl.” She took Janessa from her chair and they moved to the nearest bathroom. Devin was still on all fours, his tongue hanging out, panting. “No like cleaning,” he said — each syllable more of a barking sound than an actual word. “Ruff, ruff!”

  Janessa laughed and leaned down toward her brother, so that finally Ashley had to set her on the floor or risk dropping her. “All right you two. Let’s get you cleaned up.” She patted Devin’s head again. “Even you, Mr. Doggy.”

  Ashley found a pair of washcloths from the bathroom cupboard and soaped them up with warm water. The process of cleaning the kids’ hands and faces — all while Devin continued to play out a dog’s life — took longer than she thought. By the time they were ready for story time, Ashley guessed at least fifteen minutes had passed since Landon left.

  She led them onto the sofa and found one of Janessa’s favorite books in the oak magazine rack beside it. The Princess and the Three Knights. Never mind that her little daughter was only three years old, Janessa definitely believed she was a princess. She sat in Ashley’s lap, mesmerized by the story while Devin sat beside them — holding a running commentary.

  “That’s like me, right mommy? The third knight.” He looked at Janessa. “I already know the ending, so I’m the third knight.”

  “Right, baby.” Ashley read the next page. But with every sentence, with every passing minute she had the strangest feeling about Landon. Hadn’t it already been half an hour? She picked up her pace, so much that Devin noticed.

  “Mommy,” he looked at her, shattered. “You’re racing the book. You can’t race this story.”

  “I’m a princess, right Mommy?” Janessa looked up, her wispy pale blond hair falling softly against her smooth cheeks.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll read it again later, but Daddy’s going to be home in a minute.” She stole a look at her watch. What time had he left the house? And how come she hadn’t checked when he ran out the door? Knots grew in her stomach. “And yes, baby, you’re a princess. Definitely.”

  She didn’t want another interruption, so she kept an even pace as she finished the story. When she read the part where the third knight refused to take the princess anywhere near the edge of the cliff, Devin threw both hands straight up in touchdown victory fashion. “That’s me! I’m the third knight!” He pumped his fist a few times. “Yes! Nowhere near the cliff!”

  Ashley closed the book, set it aside, and led the kids to the coat closet. “Let’s go find Daddy, okay?”

  “I’m the third — “ Devin’s celebration stopped mid-sentence. His arms fell to his sides. “Why do we have to find him? Did he get lost?”

  “No.” Ashley forced a laugh, but it sounded half desperate, even to her. She led them closer to the closet and opened the door. Devin’s red jacket was on the floor just inside. She picked it up and handed it to him. “Here, sweetie. Put this on. Sometimes it’s nice to meet Daddy outside when he comes home from a run.”

  Devin started working his arm into the jacket. No question he had picked up on Ashley’s fears, even if he wasn’t sure what could be wrong. “We never met him outside before.”

  “Well, then … this will be the first time!” Ashley searched the length of the closet but Janessa’s pink winter coat was nowhere. Hurry, she told herself. Her arms were beginning to tremble, and her hands shook as she thumbed once more through the jackets on the rack. Finally at the end she found it, half falling to the floor and wedged against the wall. She crouched down and slipped the coat on her daughter as quickly as she could. As she finished, Devin was dressed but struggling with his zipper. Ashley helped him and willed herself not to look terrified. It had to have been forty minutes at least, and still no Landon. “Come on, Devin. This’ll be fun.”

  He lowered his brow, worried. “What if Daddy’s really lost?”

  “He’s not.” She led them both to the door, and then she swept Janessa into her arms. “Let’s hurry, okay, buddy?” She couldn’t carry them both, and she certainly couldn’t leave either of them home. At the last moment, she grabbed her cell phone from the coffee table and the three of them left through the front door.

  The Baxter house sat on ten acres, same as the other houses in the neighborhood. If something had happened to Landon at the far end of the street, she’d be better off getting into her car. But first she had to at least walk to the end of the driveway and call for him — check if maybe he was just cooling down or stretching on the front porch. Either way the kids would need their coats. Breathe, she let the warmth from her children’s hands work through her. Come on, Ashley. Don’t panic. Dear God, please be with him … please help me find him.

  They moved quickly down the driveway, but Devin was dragging. “Not so fast, Mommy. Please …”

  “Sorry, baby.” She slowed down, shielding her eyes and trying to see beyond the end of the driveway. The air was colder than she thought. Bitter cold. What if his lungs couldn’t take working in this weather? A few more steps and suddenly she saw him, stopped along the side of the road, bent over somewhere between their house and the neighbor’s, on the right. “Landon!” She screamed his name, and he stood a little straighter. He wasn’t coughing, but he wasn’t moving his feet, either. “Devin, stay here with Janessa. Hold her hand and don’t move.”

  “Yes, Mommy. Is Daddy hurt?”

  “I’m not sure.” She set her daughter down and looked straight at her. “Stay with your brother. Understand?”

  Janessa nodded, her eyes wide.

  Devin put his arm around his sister as Ashley turned and bolted toward Landon. Please, God … let him be okay. Please … At the end of the driveway she was close enough to see that his face was red and …

  “Can you breathe?” She kept running, faster … closer to him. “Landon can you breathe?”

  He made a move with his head, but she couldn’t tell if he was shaking it no or nodding yes. She reached for her phone in her coat pocket, but just as she was about to call for help, he waved his hand at her, the sort of waving that usually signaled a person was okay. Only Landon was definitely not okay.

  Faster … closer …

  “Landon … I’m calling 9–1–1.”

  This time his response was clear. As she reached him, he lifted his eyes to her and shook his head. “No … I’m … okay.”

  “Landon …” Ashley felt the blood leave her face. Until now it had been impossible to hear whether he was getting air, whether he was breathing at all. But now she could hear him and the sound was horrific — every breath marked by an intense wheezing. This was a full-blown asthma attack, Ashley was sure. Landon needed all his energy to get barely a breath. She took hold of his shoulder. “Let me call for help. Please …”

  He held up his index finger, telling her to give him a minute. The problem was, if the restriction in his airways grew worse, he might not have even that long. Ashley put her arm around his shoulders. Again Landon hung his head, and he seemed to force himself to relax, to breathe more slowly.

  I can’t do this, God … give me wisdom … how can I help him, please … open his airways. Please, God … Ashley glanced back at their kids in the driveway. They hadn’t moved from where she’d left them. Ashley leaned in close to Landon, listening to him. Please, God … calm his breathing … please …

  Peace filled the air around them, a peace so other-worldly that Ashley felt God’s presence like only a few times before in her life. Suddenly, the wheezing let up and Landon’s struggle to breathe eased. One minute passed, and another … and Landon was able to stand. Thank You, God … thank You! Only You can breathe life into a person.

  Landon’s face was still red, his forehead and back drenched in sweat. “Wow … that’s never happened.” He was still breathing harder than normal, but he could take in air without a wheeze.

  “That’s asthma, Landon. You had an asthma
attack.”

  “I know.” Landon loved to tease, loved to find humor in almost any situation. But he wasn’t smiling now. His expression was marked by a sobering reality. “It was bad. I … I didn’t have my phone.” He drew a slow, deep breath. “I wasn’t sure …” he looked at her and his eyes grew teary. “I couldn’t breathe, Ash.” He pursed his lips and exhaled, pacing a few steps from her and then back again. “I mean I seriously couldn’t breathe.” He looked up, struggling with his composure before he met her eyes again. “I wasn’t sure … I thought it was over, that I — “ He couldn’t finish his sentence. His chin quivered and again he exhaled, fighting his emotions. “Ash …”

  “Dear God …” Her heart slammed around in her chest, searching for normal. Hadn’t she known he was in trouble? “I should’ve come sooner.”

  “No.” He touched his hand to her cheek. “You couldn’t have known.”

  “But I did … I knew.” She pulled him into her arms and rested her forehead on his chest, exhausted, sick from the adrenaline pumping through her veins. For a long moment she stayed that way, listening to his lungs fill with air again and again and again. They were past the danger for now, at least she thought so. But he needed a doctor. Sooner than later. She pulled herself away and checked on the kids again. Like before, they hadn’t moved. Ashley could only imagine what kind thing Devin said to his sister to get her to stay so still. She turned to Landon again. “You need to be seen. Let’s get in and I’ll call my dad.”

  “Okay.” He started slowly walking beside her, back to their driveway. He took hold of her hand and eased his fingers between hers. He stopped walking for just a moment and looked deep into her soul. “I love you … if I don’t tell you enough, I want you to know. I love you with all I am.”

  “I know.” Fear stepped aside long enough that the reality of what almost happened actually hit. Her eyes blurred with unshed tears and she hugged him once more. “I love you too.”

  “Thank God …” Again his voice was too strained, his emotions too strong for him to finish.