Daughter of Light

All of it brought a smile to my face. Mrs. Winston and Mrs. McGruder had no special abilities or powers, but there couldn’t be two more protective people when it came to me. Despite what had happened, I closed my eyes and felt snugly safe in their rooming house. The shadows could surround it, and the dark figures could loiter in them, but it was as though I had luckily found an island upon which nothing that wished to harm me could set foot.

  For a little while, at least, that pleased me, even though I knew that it was the world outside, the world I had to be in, where I was now as vulnerable to the horrors of the darkest places in my imagination as ordinary human beings were.

  10

  The two of them were just as concerned about me at breakfast as they were when I had returned from the hospital the night before. They hovered over me like two private-duty nurses, making sure I ate well. Of course, I wasn’t used to such mothering. Mrs. Fennel had always been intolerant of any weakness or pain in any of us. As an infant, I was forbidden to cry too much or too long, and I quickly realized that crying didn’t get me anything anyway. Mrs. Fennel had never been physically rough with me. She had never struck me or spanked me; she didn’t have to do that. Her stern looks, with those gold-tinted black eyes that were like laser beams cutting through me, were far more than enough to get me to swallow back a wail or a sob.

  Tall and thin, with a hardness in her arms and body that had me believing she was made of iron until I saw her naked once, Mrs. Fennel had radiated a firmness and confidence that gave me, my younger sister Marla, Ava, and I’m sure our older sister Brianna a sense of security. As long as she was there, nothing could harm us. Even germs feared her. No one ever got sick or injured. None of us ever needed a Band-Aid. The first time I saw a bruise on another girl at school, I wondered what it was. Did she have a disease?

  Since I had left my father, my sisters, and Mrs. Fennel, however, I wondered if I had already lost my invulnerability. This car accident and how I had come out of it without even an irritation on my body convinced me that I still had most, if not all, of whatever special gifts I once possessed. Would they stay, or would they slowly diminish? As nutty as it might sound, I wanted to be like everyone else even more now and was willing to give that up.

  Naomi didn’t show up for breakfast while I was still there. I was happy for that. Mrs. Winston, unbeknownst to me, had called Mr. Dolan early in the morning, and he had arranged for Michael Thomas to swing by to take me to work. Mr. Dolan was just learning about what had happened from his daughter, Julia, when she returned from her night shift. Of course, I protested over all this concern, but no one would hear of it. Whether I liked it or not, I was being adopted into the lives of these people. Did I dare think it? It was almost like having a family again.

  Michael wanted to hear all about the accident when I got into his truck. After I told him, he went into his own experiences with auto accidents.

  “I had an airbag explode on me once, too,” he said. “Some idiot backed out of his driveway without looking. It was little more than a fender-bender, but I had bruises on my face for weeks. You were really lucky. All of us were. We wouldn’t want to lose that pretty face.”

  I thanked him.

  It was funny about compliments. I knew it was wrong not to be modest and show your appreciation when you received them, but I had grown up in a house where it was assumed we would always stand out when we were with normal girls. The difficulty for me, more than it obviously was for Ava, was how not to seem conceited or arrogant. The truth was, I was grateful for every kind word now, every sincere show of appreciation and concern.

  Mr. Dolan also showed his concern about me as soon as I arrived. He told me to take whatever time off I needed if I had any aches or pains. I assured him that I was fine and went right to work to prove it.

  “You’re a real trouper,” he said before going back into his office.

  Liam was standing in front of me only moments later. “Julia told me what happened,” he began. “I thought you were going shopping with Naomi Addison. I would have been glad to take you shopping last night.”

  “I did go shopping with her. She decided she didn’t want to stay in the mall with me any longer. Mr. Lamb just happened by when I was leaving.”

  “I should have given you my cell-phone number just in case. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “It wasn’t Mr. Lamb’s fault,” I said.

  “Oh, right. I’m sure he just happened by. He didn’t wait too long to pounce,” Liam said disdainfully.

  “Neither did you,” I retorted. The aggressive manner in which I came back at him took him by surprise.

  “What, you like this guy?”

  “I don’t dislike him, but I told you, I’m not looking to like anyone just now.”

  He nodded but stood there, obviously debating whether to say something.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Some of the guys here are thinking you might be gay.”

  “Really?” I sat back, remembering how Ava could dispose of any young man she wasn’t interested in. They were always bitter when they were rejected and usually found a way to blame her.

  “How typical,” I said, recalling what I called her “male lessons.” “The last thing a man will think is that if he’s rejected, it was something about him, some way his fault. It always has to be something else, like the girl is gay.”

  Liam laughed. “Okay, okay. Got it. I’m around if you need anything or have to go anywhere.”

  “You’re supposed to be doing that Bronson bid today, aren’t you?” I asked. “That should keep you busy most of the day.”

  “Jeez, you’re more of a nag than my father,” he muttered, but I saw him smile to himself as he sauntered off. I knew he was thinking that I knew about his responsibilities because I was, despite how I appeared, interested in him. Maybe I was, but I wasn’t about to admit it yet. Maybe I never would.

  What I did realize about myself and other girls was that unraveling our true inner feelings was like navigating a maze planted somewhere between our hearts and our minds. People wandered about confused for years, maybe most of their lives, before they discovered who they really were and what they really wanted. That would be fine for them, but perhaps for me, it might inevitably be too late. A lost true love, with kisses drifting on the wind and embraces left only to imagine, was as dark a fate as any from which I had fled.

  Everyone was extra nice to me all day. I had lunch again with the other women who worked at the company. Naturally, they were interested in the details of the accident. Afterward, I called the hospital and spoke briefly with Jim. He kept apologizing, but I pointed out that he was the one in the hospital, not I. He said they would release him the next day, but only if he promised to take off the remainder of the week. I did feel sorry for him. If a Renegade was out there and had caused him to lose control of his car, I was indirectly responsible.

  It also occurred to me that I could be the one considered a Renegade.

  I recalled what Daddy and Mrs. Fennel had explained when I was first told about them. Mark Daniels, a boy at school, had been pursuing me romantically, and I was attracted to him. When he came to our house one night with lethal intentions, my father destroyed him. Of course, I had been full of questions, the main one being who was Mark Daniels?

  “He was a member of a Renegade family,” Daddy had told me. “That’s a family like us who do not follow the rules. Every family has its own territory. These things are decided in advance. There’s good planning here, careful planning, so nothing is left to chance. No other family must settle in territory claimed by another. For two families to be there, to operate there, would do much to bring more and possibly fatal attention to us. There are other rules. No daughter is ever to be chosen to be a victim. Once something like that occurs, there are power struggles. We end up destroying ourselves. The Renegades don’t care.”

  “That’s not the only difference. There’s something wrong with them,” Mrs. Fennel had said, her tee
th clenched to show just how much she despised them. “They have a ruthless bloodlust. One feeding a month is never enough.”

  Now I realized another possibility and understood the full meaning of what Ava had been telling me when she had said running away was dangerous. What if I had entered another family’s territory? There was always that chance when someone like me ventured out alone, denying her own family and trying to break ties. Did they think I was establishing myself there and that my family would follow? In their minds, I would fit the definition of a Renegade, and they might be out to destroy me.

  Would I be able to recognize them? I hadn’t been able to recognize what Mark Daniels was. Had I matured enough to strengthen that perception, or was I still vulnerable when it came to others of our kind? I had been sensing some danger, something pursuing me, but I was still unsure, even after this accident, that it wasn’t just a figment of my active imagination, made more active because of the fears generated by fleeing my father and sisters.

  Mr. Dolan checked on me twice in the morning and was finally satisfied that I was doing okay. Later that afternoon, Liam came by to meet with his father and make a report on his bidding work. They were in his office for nearly an hour. When Liam came out, he smiled at me, but to my surprise, he hurried off without another word. Mr. Dolan emerged moments afterward. I could see the satisfaction in his face. The tension I had immediately observed whenever he was with his son was gone.

  “I don’t know whether I should be thanking you or what, but he’s suddenly showing interest in his work and approaching something called responsibility.”

  “Sometimes all it takes is convincing someone you have faith in him,” I said.

  He looked at me strangely for a moment. “One of these days soon, I’d like to spend some downtime with you, Lorelei, and learn how you came to be so wise at so young an age.”

  I smiled, remembering what my father had told me concerning wisdom. I think I was just twelve at the time. Now it seemed like ages ago, and as with all my good memories, when I recalled them, I wasn’t sure whether they were just dreams and wishes or real events.

  “My father once told me we’re not so unlike sponges when it comes to wisdom. Just like some sponges can hold more, absorb more, different people have different capabilities when it comes to taking in what we might call common sense. Mrs. Winston has plaques with quotes all over the house. One of them is ‘There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.’ ”

  “Maybe I should send Liam over to read his great-aunt’s walls,” he said. He started to turn to go back into his office but stopped, smiling at me. “Something tells me he’ll be around there more often, and it won’t be because I tell him to visit.”

  I took a deep breath when he closed his door. Mr. Dolan’s terrible marriage experience not only made him cautious and skeptical when it came to other women he might date, but it also gave him grave concern for Liam’s relationships. What I had learned already was that Liam was in and out of so many so quickly that he appeared incapable of having any substantial involvement.

  How difficult it must have been growing up under the circumstances Liam experienced. Surely, at a young age, he had witnessed his father’s great sorrow and disappointment. I realized that it would be harder for a son than for a daughter, because he would have his father’s disastrous relationship as a prime example of how it could be with women. I didn’t have to be an amateur psychiatrist to realize how his home life and his mother’s desertion had affected the way he conducted himself with women and reacted to his own feelings.

  Probably the thing I had anticipated the least after I fled from my father and sisters was my feeling sorry for someone else in this world. Right now, I was feeling sorry for poor Jim Lamb, Mr. Dolan, and Liam. They added to the heavy bag of sorrow I was carrying because of how I’d had to leave Buddy. It was impossible not to envision him standing there in that restaurant, stunned, his heart sinking when he discovered I was gone. What I kept thinking about now was the possibility that he thought my father and my sisters had found me while he was in the bathroom and taken me off. I hoped he had asked someone about me and that someone had seen me walk out freely. Perhaps they had seen me getting into Moses’s truck. Eventually, he would understand my reason, but that wouldn’t diminish his pain. I had deserted someone who loved me, too, but I’d had very good reasons to do so.

  Even though I wanted to walk home after work and could certainly do it easily, Mr. Dolan insisted that I let him drive me. I was surprised at his offer at first, but then I realized that he was looking for any opportunity where he could be more personal. I saw Liam standing in the front window of one of the showrooms, watching enviously when his father and I left together. Mr. Dolan had explained that Liam, on his own, had decided to work overtime to catch up on things he had let slide.

  Whom was he trying to impress more, I wondered, his father or me?

  “My aunt told me your story, of course,” Mr. Dolan began as we left the parking lot, “but only in a brief outline in her special Aunt Amelia way. To be honest, I was positive she had exaggerated about you and agreed to the interview more to please her than anything. What a wonderful surprise to find that she was more than right.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Dolan.”

  “If it doesn’t disturb you to talk about it, tell me how you came to decide to up and leave your father.”

  “It’s painful to remember all of the details. The situation simply became impossible for me. My father was no longer capable of seeing anything from my point of view or, more accurately, of tolerating it. It was better for all of us.”

  “He’ll come to regret it someday,” Mr. Dolan said. I knew that deep in his heart, he was hoping that was also true for his ex-wife. “Whatever spell he’s under now, he can’t be sorry he had enjoyed you for so long. He must have been very proud of you very often.”

  “I like to think so,” I said.

  “Well, I hope you can be happy here and enjoy working for us. I have some big ideas for expansion but have held back on them until I was certain that Liam would be a real part of my efforts. I’m not totally convinced yet. Let’s just say I’m a little more hopeful.”

  “He’ll come through for you,” I said.

  He was silent for a few moments. “I know he’s very fond of you already. To be honest, I think what’s impressed him the most is your reluctance to ask how high when he said to jump.”

  “Yes, well, I’m not quite ready to start a relationship, and I told him so. However, I’d be a liar if I told you he wasn’t very good-looking and personable. But don’t tell him I said so,” I added quickly, and he laughed.

  Just before we pulled into the driveway at the Winston House, I told Mr. Dolan about Naomi Addison hoping to get to him through me. He listened but didn’t say anything until we stopped and he turned off the engine.

  “I don’t mean to influence you to be against her, but I don’t like being thought of as anyone’s little spy. She strikes me as someone who’s capable of saying something like that in the end. People who are disappointed can be cruel,” I said.

  “Very, very true. Don’t worry about it. I know about Naomi. My aunt doesn’t let anything get past her. I’ve never given Naomi Addison any indication that I would be interested in a relationship with her. Don’t you give it a second thought.”

  He followed me into the house so he could say hello to his aunt. She and Mrs. McGruder were just setting the dinner table. I saw that there was one place setting missing and felt sorry again for Jim Lamb.

  “Hello, Auntie,” Ken said. They hugged. He hugged Mrs. McGruder, too.

  “What a nice surprise. You’re welcome to have dinner with us,” Mrs. Winston said immediately.

  “Oh, thank you, but I have a dinner meeting all set.”

  “You have to relax a little once in a while, Kenneth Sullivan Dolan. Your mother was always worried about you burning out. Even as a young boy, he was ambitious and a determined worker,” she told me.
r />   “I will, Auntie Amelia. Promise. Well, our new girl seems fine. But keep your eye on her. I don’t want to lose her this soon,” he added, winking at me.

  He visited for a while longer and then left. Before I went up to change for dinner, Mrs. Winston told me that Naomi Addison had checked out.

  “I’d hate to think it was my fault. I didn’t mean to bring you any problems,” I said.

  “Nonsense. I regretted taking her in almost the day she moved in. I knew what she had on her mind. If I even hinted that my nephew might stop by, she would plant herself in that living room like a piece of furniture.”

  I told her I had spoken to Jim Lamb and that he was planning to return the next day. She already knew about it. Mrs. McGruder and she were thinking about how they would accommodate his recovery. They were obviously very fond of him.

  Most of my young life, either Mrs. Fennel, Daddy, or one of my older sisters would warn me about people. From the way they spoke, we were immune to the seven deadly sins that at one time or another took over their lives. They had spoken about it as if we were more in danger of becoming their victims than they were in of becoming ours.

  But so far in this, my first experience of living among them, I had found much to recommend them. The kindness and loving concern in Mrs. Winston and Mrs. McGruder especially made me question the harsh sketches and depictions of people that my family had imposed on me. Perhaps, I thought, they lived with these thoughts to rationalize what they were destined to be and to do. It was always easier to kill a poisonous snake or spider than to kill a graceful bird whose only fault was being too trusting. Jim Lamb reminded me of a fragile, gentle bird.

  I didn’t see him until I returned from work the following day. At my determined insistence, I refused all offers for a ride home and finally took the walk I had wanted to take from the first day. The late-spring sun held the eager darkness back a little longer every day now. Despite always being told that darkness was our friend, I walked at a pace that would get me to the Winston House before the shadows began their snaillike crawl toward one another.