Terrible Me

  "Rebecca Stilwell? We don't have a detective by that name. You must be mistaken."

  "No, I'm sure that's her name. Are you sure? Is there another Rebecca here?"

  "No, there's not a Rebecca here. Maybe you have the wrong precinct."

  I turn and walk toward the door, unsure of what to do next. I guess going back in the past did change something. Rebecca's not here and I have no way of finding her.

  I leave the precinct feeling defeated; I need to know what happened, what else has changed from our trip into the past.

  My hands begin to feel numb and I look down, wondering why. My skin looks paler than normal, as if fading. Am I disappearing from the present? How did Rebecca saving her boyfriend affect me? I have to find her; I have no choice now.

  I run home, shoving the front doors open, and vigorously press the up button on the elevator.

  "Come on!" I yell at the elevator door, as if that will help the elevator move any faster.

  I decide to take the stairs, climbing them two by two. When I reach the top floor, I am dripping sweat and panting.

  "If I don't disappear in the near future, I need to get into better shape."

  I jam the key into the lock, pushing the door open. Racing toward my computer, I shake the mouse, forcing my screen to wake up. I type Rebecca into a Google search. Rebecca...Rebecca what? There's no way for me to find her if I don't even know her name. What was her fiancé’s name? I think back to the desert in Afghanistan. I saw him get out of the driver’s seat. What was the name on his uniform. H...ha...Haden. That's it! If Rebecca truly changed the past and her fiancé is still alive, they would be married by now. Rebecca Haden.

  I click on the yellow pages ad and see a list of Rebecca Hadens. I scan through the names. At the end I spot a Rebecca and Sargent Jacob Haden. That must be them, I hope. 19 Patuckaway Park, Ridgewater, California. There's a number listed, but this isn't something I can talk about over the phone. I grab a small duffel bag, quickly shoving in the essentials. I keep dropping clothes; they're slipping from my hands. My hands are becoming useless, I pull a shirt through my fingers and I barely feel the touch of the material against my skin. I grab a cab and call the airport. There's a 10 a.m. flight to Ridgewater. I book the tickets and pay over the phone. I'll make it to California by 7 p.m., let's hope there's still some of me left by then.

  9 disappearing Forever

  After I arrive in California, the taxi drops me off at Rebecca's address. I stand in front of a two-story white house with black shutters. Four pillars hold up the small entryway to the door. I knock, ignoring the anxiety bursting from my chest. What if she isn't even here? What if this is the wrong address?

  Rebecca opens the door and a sense of relief washes over me.

  "What are you doing here?" she asks.

  "We need to talk." I say.

  She comes out to the front porch and shuts the door behind her.

  "I won't be able to explain to Jake how I know you."

  "Well you're going to have to make something up. I have a major problem here." I say, lifting my hands to her view. "My hands are completely numb. I can't even lift a pencil right now. Not only that, but look how pale and translucent they are. I think I am disappearing from the present."

  "That's not my problem. I have everything I need right now. We saved Jacob, I'm married, living the perfect life. I've changed the past for the better and if you're not in it, that's too bad for you."

  She turns from me, walking back into her home and slamming the door shut. She doesn't even care if I disappear. She doesn't care that I will be sacrificed for her happiness. There may be no hope for me; I'll slowly be gone, into nonexistence. I wonder what happens when you just fade away. Is there still a heaven and hell or is there just oblivion, nothingness? As if you were never born.

  I slide into the back of the cab and ask the driver to take me to the fanciest hotel he knows. I might as well live my last few days in luxury. I wonder to myself why I am disappearing from the present; what does that have to do with Rebecca's boyfriend being saved? I had no connection to him or her my entire life. I feel the tingling sensation in my feet now. The numbness starts to spread throughout my body. I wonder how much longer I'll be around. What do people do in their final days? Do I make amends with my parents? Do I sightsee?

  No, I can't give up. I can't make this the end. I have to make things right. Before I die, I have to give back to all the people I've hurt. I can't if I disappear like this.

  "Cabbie, can you turn around and take me back where we came from? It seems I've forgotten something."

  "I'm still going to charge you."

  "Have whatever you want." I say, throwing a roll of cash at him. "I won't need you to stay this time either."

  "Okay, miss."

  On the way back to Rebecca's I take out my phone and ask Siri to search "Molly Princhett." My fingers are barely able to press the buttons. There has to be some reason why I'm vanishing. I scan the first few articles, unable to find any clues. Then the next headline catches my attention. The Emerald Thief Finally Stopped and Her Identity Revealed. October 10th, 2014. The Emerald Thief, a robber responsible for hundreds of stolen goods and artifacts throughout the country, died today after police shot her down inside the White House. Sources are unsure of what her true intentions were, if she was really trying to hurt the president, we do not know. Her body was identified as Molly Princhett, 18 years old, left her parents after an argument, and never returned home. Her parents stated in an interview that she has been reckless her whole life and no matter what they did they could not control her. They were questioned about their daughter’s ability to make others forget or give her what she wanted. Her parents stated they knew nothing about this gift and she had experimented with drugs before, that maybe she was using drugs on others. A truly terrible end for Molly Princhett, but maybe it's just. After all, she was terrible to everyone else.

  My phone slides down out of my hand, what little grasp I had on the screen lets go. I died after a robbery. The date, the date is October 10th, 2014. Just three days after Rebecca kidnapped me. Rebecca saves Jacob, Rebecca doesn't become a detective because she no longer needs to find me/the artifact, Rebecca doesn't kidnap me, I don't detox, I continue to steal, reaching even greater -- to the White House? Hence Jacob living, I die. I'm not ready to die, not yet.

 

  10 life's uncertainties

 

  I leap out of the cab, slamming the door shut, running to Rebecca's door. I have to make her understand, she can't possibly want to sacrifice another life for her fiancé. Then I think back to the article, maybe the writer explained my life perfectly. I had a just end because I was so terrible in life. I hurt so many people. I put my back against the door and slide to the ground. Life or death, live or die, stay or leave. What is the right answer? Doesn't Rebecca deserve to be happy, too?

  I hear banging inside; I sit up, leaning my ear against the door.

  "Jacob, cut it out. What's wrong with you?"

  I turn the door handle and the door opens. They must leave the door unlocked. I step into a large entryway, doors line the hall. I follow the noise, becoming louder as I make my way farther down the hallway. The door to the kitchen sits slightly ajar and I peek in. Jacob holds a knife in his hand, trying to, what looks like, stab himself in the heart. Rebecca stands behind him, trying to pull the knife out of his hand. They're banging into cabinets, utensils, pans, knocking everything on the floor. The kitchen looks like someone just broke in and rummaged through their house.

  "Rebecca, what's going on?" I say, pushing the door open. "What happened?"

  "Never mind that, just help me."

  I try to grab onto Jacob’s other arm, but he pushes me over and I fall on the ground. My hands are useless. I can barely hold on to my phone, never mind fight someone ten times stronger than I am. I look over to my left and there’s a small cast-iron skillet sitting on the floor.
r />   "Rebecca! The skillet; just hit him with it."

  She rips the blade out of his hand and grabs the skillet, striking him in the side of the head swiftly. Jacob falls to the ground, unconscious. She checks for a pulse and I see his chest rise and fall with his breathing.

  "What is going on? Was Jacob trying to kill himself?" I ask.

  "Yeah, I didn't want you to see. Ever since I saved Jacob and came back to the future, something’s been wrong with him. I guess this is where we would've ended up if he lived. We're married, and my browsing history on my computer was filled with baby sites. I'm not pregnant, but I guess I did a lot of dreaming these past four years. Everything is perfect, except for Jacob. No matter how hard I try to distract him or keep him busy, he gets this longing in his eyes as if he's knows he's supposed to be somewhere else. Then he tries to kill himself and I have to stop him. I can't leave him alone, even for a minute. It's getting worse, too, the more days that go by, the less and less time he spends not thinking about or trying to die."

  "Some people are meant to pass away, to move on before their "time," to leave us, to have us miss them. Maybe he wasn't meant to be here, Rebecca."

  "But I can't, I can't live without him. Look how happy we would've been here. We would've started a family. I'm not a detective fighting to hunt him down. Jacob is still in there somewhere, even though he's getting harder to find."

  "How are you going to keep him from hurting himself though? You can't just lock him in a bubble for the rest of your life, living just to keep him alive. You deserve a better life. Look at my hands, fading away. You have to make a decision. Either you live the life of saving Jacob and I die, or we go back to the past and fix what we've changed. I can't make this choice for you. I know I deserve to die for all the terrible wrongs I've committed. I know you deserve to have Jacob."

  I push the kitchen door open with my back. I walk through their house and into the living room. The decorations are country, filled with the smell of apple pie. The fireplace roars and I take a seat in front of the mantel. My hands can't warm up today. They'll never be warm again. Rebecca's choice will be Jacob. She loves him with everything; she would spend a life trying to save him rather than living without him. I'm just someone she kidnapped and detoxed. I should thank her for saving me, even if I'm disappearing now. She saved me in another life.

  Rebecca walks into the room, tears streaming down her face

  "You're right, Molly. We have to go back. He wants to die and I need to give him what he wants."

  "What? I didn't think that would be the decision you would make."

  "I realized that no matter what I did to try to help him, I couldn't. His soul already belongs to the next life, to heaven. I can't take him away from that. I just have to move on, knowing someday I will see him again. Someday we will be reunited and it's not up to me to decide when that time is."

  "Rebecca, I'm so sorry," I say, reaching over to hug her. My arms fall limp, they are barely visible, just an outline of where they were.

  "Your face is fading as well," she says. "If we are going to make this right, we have to hurry."

  11Putting the Past Back Together

  Rebecca runs up the stairs and comes back down holding the sundial.

  "I don't think this will work." I say. "I won't be able to hold on to the sundial or use my power."

  "There has to be a little left," she says.

  She takes the sundial in her hand, pressing the back against my heart, the only place that hasn't started fading.

  "Okay, just like last time," she says. "We think of the same date, Afghanistan, war raging around us, shots firing, the mountain pass, the armies."

  I think about everything we did while we were in the past. The bombs and guns firing next to us, the walk through the mountains, throwing rocks at the Hummer. Nothing works; we're still here.

  "I don't think this will work," I say. "It's too late, I'm going to disappear."

  "No, we can't give up; you were right. I was wrong to go back to try to save him. I can't save him," she says, another round of tears bursting forth. "I need to save you."

  She presses the sundial harder into my chest and I feel the floating feeling I felt the first time we used the sundial. For the second time in my life, we're going back to the past.

  I open my eyes to see the sky above me. A beautiful blue sky with white clouds drifting across. I must be lying on my back even though I can't feel the ground. I look to my left to see Rebecca standing up and brushing the dirt off of her legs. We're on the mountain pass. This time we came back closer to the road.

  "We made it," Rebecca says.

  "Yeah, barely," I say.

  I try to stand, but I'm just fumbling around. I can barely feel my body. I can't tell the difference between having my legs on the ground or in the air. I look down at my hand, still an outline, and I can see the faint resemblance of a hand that was once there. I look over my body; my entire body looks the same way. I'm just an outline of someone that used to be. My head hits the ground with a clunk, but I don't feel a thing. The only piece of me that I can see lies over my chest, where my heart belongs. Once my heart fades, I will be gone.

  "I don't think I'll be able to make the hike down the trail," I say. "I can't feel anything, I can't feel my feet moving on the ground."

  "I'll carry you; I can still see you enough to pick you up."

  "Why are you doing this?" I ask. "Why are you helping me? You could have everything you want, your perfect life."

  "Because my life wasn't perfect. Although I love Jacob, I will always love Jacob, his memories are far greater than what he came back to become. My selfishness gave him a future that wasn't meant to be. His life couldn't be stretched any longer. I realized that you were right; I wouldn't have been able to stop him from killing himself and I would rather remember him as the hero he is, than the depressed, suicidal person I made him to be. All because I was too selfish to let him go."

  "I'm sorry, Rebecca," I say as tears begin to stream down my face along with hers. I would die to give Rebecca the life she deserves with Jacob. I wish I could.

  "All right," she says, wiping her face with her sleeve. "We don't have much time."

  Rebecca lifts me up from the ground and starts the journey down the mountain pass to the road where Jacob's Hummer passes. We have to catch up to ourselves and stop them.

  We make fairly good time, especially considering Rebecca's carrying me.

  "You didn't even need a break that whole way down," I say.

  "You actually are pretty light, almost like carrying a few pieces of paper, except a lot bigger."

  "That's probably not a good thing."

  Rebecca sets me down on the ground and props me against a large rock.

  "Do you see us?" I say.

  "Yeah, I think I can see us walking down the road. We're still a pretty far distance ahead."

  "Well, we had to wait for a while before the Hummer drove by; that should give us time to catch up."

  Rebecca lifts me back up and starts walking down the road.

  "I never thanked you," I say.

  "Thanked me for what?"

  "This is the second time you have saved me."

  "Second?"

  "I am disappearing because I died trying to rob the White House. You never became a detective, Jacob never died, so there was no reason for you to hunt me down. No reason for me to detox. I went out of control stealing and went for the White House. They thought I was trying to harm the president and the secret service shot me. I would be dead already if you hadn't stopped me."

  "Well, I haven't saved you a second time yet."

  "Either way, if I see tomorrow or not, I know that you saved me at one time or another."

  The dirt kicks up beneath our feet and I look to the sky, enjoying each moment I have left.

  "There's the valley," she says, pointing ahead. "We should catch up by nightfall."

  I watch
the sun slowly descend behind the mountain pass. How beautiful to sit and watch the amazing sites around us, all the creations we take for granted each day. I took so many things for granted. My parents, my life, my purpose. All I thought about was taking more. If I see tomorrow, I am going to make up for all the wrongs I've done.

  "There we are," Rebecca says. "We're getting ready to throw the rocks."

  I look down and watch as my heart begins to fade, I feel myself taking on nothingness, lifting up to the sky. "Molly!" Rebecca yells.

  She becomes smaller as I coast higher into the sky, like a balloon lost from the grip of a small child.

  I see Rebecca dash forward, pushing all of her might into her run. She leaps, landing on top of my former self. They wrestle on the ground until the future Rebecca becomes pinned to the ground. Her mouth moves fast as she tries to explain why she's here. I can't hear what she's saying. My vision becomes blurry, I'm still coasting higher. Barely I can see the Hummer come into view down the road. I can't see anything anymore; everything turns black; my soul is leaving this world.

 

  12 Making Amends