The Shape of My Heart

  “That’s my cue to shower.” Angus headed down the hall with a wave, pointedly not looking back, which prompted Max to shove me up against the fridge. His lips tasted like pancakes and maple syrup. Yum.

  “Whew. Stop distracting me, I promised to clean.”

  “I could be convinced to help.”

  “I’ll make it worth your while,” I promised.

  He waggled his brows as he pressed closer, teasing but not. Before sex, he’d totally tidy up the apartment to make me happy—on his day off—despite hating these chores. That was his way of showing devotion, so adorable, impassioned, sincere...and mine. He’s mine. Heat swept over me, not just a desire for sex, but deeper and fiercer, a hunger for everything Max, as if I could somehow absorb his sweetness into my bones.

  Please, I thought. Please, Max. Don’t ever stop feeling this way.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I was lounging on my bed, half-heartedly reading assigned statistics material when the front door slammed.

  Things had been...interesting since Sunday. I had to argue with Max about whose bed I’d be sleeping in every night, but I wasn’t ready to move into his room. That felt too fast and I definitely wouldn’t get enough sleep if we didn’t impose some limits. So right now, I was restricting us to weekend sleepovers because he had work and school, too. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t fool around, obviously. Max had been annoyed for two days, giving me his trademark puppy eyes, but I was iron woman; I just needed a titanium bustier to prove it.

  Maybe for Halloween...

  My door flew open. Not a big deal because it wasn’t closed tight anyway. I’d shut and lock if I was feeling antisocial. Max strode into the room, still grubby from working at the garage all afternoon. “This might sound odd, but...I want to take you out.”

  “Like garbage? For an airing, maybe? Also, hey, honey, how was your day? You look all grimy and what-not. Makes me want to loofah you.”

  “Is that a verb?”

  “It is not. Frankly you look like you could use a sound loofah-ing. Was it a bad day?” I hopped off the bed and closed the distance between us, clutching the front of his jumpsuit to pull him in for a kiss. I’d die before admitting this, but his gray work coveralls, complete with MAX patch, were so retro they were adorable. If my ass wasn’t bigger than his, I’d steal a pair. Sometimes he just wore a work shirt and pants, but for really dirty jobs he busted these out.

  “I haven’t even washed my hands yet. Can’t touch you.”

  “Even hotter,” I whispered.

  He smelled like he’d been working on cars in the late summer heat, but his scent was so familiar that I didn’t mind. I kissed him deeply, savoring the hint of salt on his lips. Max exhaled slowly, fingers curling into fists at his side as he resisted the urge to reach for me. I pulled back with a teasing smile.

  “You’re heartless. Unless you actually plan to loofah me.”

  “Is anyone else home?” It never left my mind how quickly the others could get fed up. Angus and Kia never signed on to live with a couple, and sex always complicated any dynamic.

  “Yeah, Angus is in his room.” Judging by his glum tone, Max realized that shower sex dreams had to wait.

  “So you want to take me out, huh. For an official first date?”

  “Yeah. Is that dumb?”

  “Well, no. Dating is what people do. Well, those who are dating.”

  “So will you? Go out with me.”

  I grinned up at him. “Technically, I already am. We do everything backward, you know? But it sounds fun. When?”

  “Friday night, clear your schedule, because you’re all mine.”

  “Okay. Can’t wait to see what you have planned for us.” Giving him a little shove, I followed him toward the door. “Come back when you’re clean.”

  “Fine. But just so you know, I’ll be all naked, soapy and wet, thinking of you. When nature takes its course, you have only yourself to blame.”

  “Blame, my ass. I’ll take credit. Also, pics or it didn’t happen.”

  Max grinned. “You serious? I’ll totally—”

  “Get out.” I shut the door in his face before he tempted me to be wild, irresponsible and inconsiderate to poor Angus, who probably didn’t want to listen to us banging in his bathroom.

  Still, I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Max lit me up from normal temperature to white-hot in ten seconds. Somehow, I didn’t think he was what my mom had in mind when she bugged me to get over Eli, get out there and meet a nice boy. With a faint sigh, I texted her my usual reassurance that I was sober and doing homework. She replied instantly, making me wonder what she actually did with her time. Before I was born she’d worked but never since, not even after I left home. I had some vague memory of clubs and coffee klatches, but that left her way too much opportunity to obsess over my life choices.

  I opened the text. When are you coming home again?

  Since I was there a month ago, I could be forgiven for the impatience as I typed back, Winter break probably. Talk to you later.

  My phone beeped again but I didn’t read the message. The time on the screen reminded me I had fifteen minutes to get to Evan’s. So I banged on the bathroom door.

  “Did you change your mind?” Max yelled. “Because I already started without you.”

  From Angus’s room came a muffled groan. “God, why?”

  Ignoring him, I called, “Then stop. I need a ride.”

  “I can take a break if it’s not far,” Angus offered.

  That would’ve been fine, except I heard Max cussing and dropping things in the bathroom. I smirked at Angus. “I think that means he wants to go.”

  “He’s weirdly possessive about you. I mean, he knows I won’t try anything, so...”

  “Her time is mine,” Max said flatly.

  “Dial it down and let’s go.”

  “I’m hungry,” he complained, following me out of the apartment and down the stairs.

  “Whose fault is that? Angus could’ve driven me to rehearsal.” But that would’ve meant missing out on this. A surge of warmth went through me as he handed me his spare helmet. Once he got settled, I swung on behind him and wrapped my arms around his back.

  “Is it so wrong that I want to be with you?”

  “Nah. It’s adorable. I don’t even mind when you growl to warn other people away. But if you even think about peeing on me, all bets are off.”

  “Gotcha, no water sports. Hold on tight, angel.”

  “Really?”

  “So that’s another for the no pile?”

  “I’m afraid so, champ.”

  Max made a face over his shoulder at me. “You’re not even trying. Didn’t you call me ‘sport’ the other night?”

  “Yeah, I’m bad at this. But I’m great at sex, so that’s a win for you. All the orgasms, none of the embarrassing nicknames. Cuddle monkey.”

  “I won’t rest until I’ve dubbed you something permanently precious.”

  “You could call me precious, as long as you can do the sinister dog laugh.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “It’s an old cartoon, Eli used to watch it online. I’ll show you later.”

  “If Eli loved it, I can’t wait,” he said wryly.

  I can’t believe he’s jealous of me, Eli said. He’s already had sex with you more than I have. Plus, y’know, he’s got a pulse.

  “Cut it out.” The weird thing: I was talking to both Max and Eli, how trippy was that.

  “Where am I going?” I gave him Evan’s address and he started the bike, roaring off with a certainty that told me he knew the way.

  It had been a while since I rode with him; I strangled a possessive impulse to demand he never let anyone else on the back of his motorcycle. Maybe I’d been watching too much Sons of Anarchy but it felt like that privilege should be reserved for me. Hell, next time he came out with some crazy hands-off statement, I’d even say so.

  Since it w
as getting dark at this hour, cool wind rushed over my skin, adding another layer of pleasure to the ride. Too soon, he pulled up at Evan’s place, but there were no lights inside and I didn’t hear anything from the garage. Hopping off the bike, I yanked off my helmet.

  “I bet he went to pick up Dana and Ji Hoo. They’ll be here any minute.”

  “Do I get to meet them?”

  “Do you want to?”

  “Well, yeah. I’m curious about your new bandmates. I can’t wait to hear you play.”

  “I’m nothing special,” I muttered.

  “That’s completely false.”

  Raising a brow, I said, “Anyone could achieve equal proficiency after the same lessons.”

  “Not what I’m talking about, Courtney.”

  “Oh.” Since I was thinking about music, I didn’t connect the dots. His sudden sweetness brought heat to my cheeks, and dear God, I never blushed. It was kind of my deal to be out there: unshockable, edgy and outrageous. “Well, I meant instrumentally, though I really do love music. I have a great ear, I think, I just don’t have the talent to back it up.”

  “I won’t argue the point until you play me something. Which had better be soon.” He made a mock-threatening face and kissed the top of my head. “But honestly, if you’re on point with that personal assessment, it’s an even better argument to run with your indie label idea. You know music, you love it, but you don’t want to play for a living. So it’d be perfect if you could help make other people’s dreams come true and create something beautiful at the same time.”

  My throat tightened. “Yeah. It would.”

  Before he could answer, Evan’s van pulled into the driveway. The garage door opened—I assumed by remote—to reveal the rehearsal space, but he didn’t pull in. We needed the space. Evan looked wary when he hopped out and spotted Max, who made me smile by strolling over with his hand extended.

  “Sorry, man. We got off on the wrong foot the other night and I owe you a big apology.”

  “You thought I was hitting on your girl?” Evan guessed.

  Max lifted a shoulder in a vague gesture. “Something like that. But we cleared the air and everything is cool. I hope you don’t think I’m a complete dick.”

  “Nah. If you were, you wouldn’t admit to your mistakes. It’s all good.”

  At that point, I introduced Dana and Ji Hoo, wanting to make Max feel like I wasn’t trying to keep him out of this part of my life. Dana totally elevatored him, and when I raised my brow at her, she grinned. “Hey, I can window shop.”

  “I’m standing right here,” Max pointed out.

  “How cute, he thinks he can complain when we objectify him.” Dana slung an arm around my shoulders and led me to the garage. “You can spill all the juicy stuff after he leaves.”

  “You mean his weird sexual fetishes? Oh, I’ll talk about that now. Four lemons, a sack of ferrets and a pint of rum. Oh, and he wouldn’t say no to a rubber hose—”

  “I...feel like I need to get back in the van,” Ji Hoo said, tipping his head heavenward.

  “Me, too,” Max muttered.

  Clearing his throat with an amused glint in his eyes, Evan cocked his head at our instruments. “Should we get started?”

  “I guess that’s my cue to take off.” Max bent to kiss me. “What time should I pick you up, Princess Leprechaun?”

  Dana shot me a horrified look. “Should I even ask?”

  “Please don’t.”

  “You don’t have to go,” Evan said unexpectedly. “If you don’t mind making like scenery for a couple of hours, I’m fine with you hanging out here.”

  “I dunno, I’m pretty fucking hungry,” Max answered.

  “Last time we got pizza. Not sure if that’s the usual?” I glanced at the others for confirmation; Dana and Ji Hoo were nodding.

  “Then sure, I’ll chill over here if that’s fine with everyone?” Max ambled over to a lawn chair in the far corner and sprawled in it, giving us plenty of space to practice.

  “Don’t tell my girlfriend,” the drummer said, heading over to his kit. “These two hours are the only time I get away from her.”

  Dana chucked a ball of wadded-up paper at him. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  “Eh, I love her but she’s a lot of work.” Ji Hoo got out his sticks, clearly done talking about his relationship issues.

  Conscious of Max watching me, I set up my keyboard and plugged everything in. This time I didn’t need any help with the equipment. This was so weird and new, but it felt right to have Max here, making him part of this new chapter in my life. I didn’t want him to feel like I was shutting him out or leaving him behind. For his part, he was respectfully quiet as we kicked things off, launching into the first song on our set list. After a while, I got so into the music that I forgot we had an audience.

  So an hour later, when we paused for dinner, he startled me by bounding to his feet and giving a raucous two-finger whistle. “For serious, that was awesome. I’d pay to hear you play.”

  “That’s the dream,” Evan said.

  “How much?” Dana wanted to know.

  “Ten whole dollars.” When Max bit his pinky, Ji Hoo cracked up.

  “Okay, I’m calling for pizza. Pick up or delivery?” Setting her bass down carefully, Dana went to rummage through her bag, then produced her phone with a flourish of triumph.

  Evan thought for a few seconds. “I’ll just go get it.”

  “You’re my hero,” Ji Hoo said.

  “Who said I’m buying? Show me the money.” Evan collected crumpled bills until he had enough for two pies. With three guys eating, it was unlikely they could fill up on one while leaving any crumbs for Dana and me.

  After checking our preferences, she got one plain cheese and the other loaded with meat. It wasn’t like I was picky. Ten minutes later, Evan took off with Ji Hoo, leaving the three of us chilling in the garage. Dana set up a couple more lawn chairs, making me wonder why she didn’t go in the house. But maybe she felt weird when Evan was gone. Since I’d opted to ride along with him before—for the same reason—I could relate. Presumably, though, she knew him better than me, and certainly longer.

  “So how did you guys meet?” she asked, sitting forward with her elbows on her knees like this would be an awesome story.

  “How did we meet, or how’d we get together?” Maybe I was being pedantic, but since Max and I were friends first, it wasn’t like he’d spotted me in a club and broken speed records to reach me.

  “Both, either. I’m just being nosy. If you prefer we can have a staring contest instead.”

  “Pass,” Max said. “We met first at a party a few years back, but I’d seen her around campus before then.”

  Dana grinned. “Oooh, he noticed you.”

  I flipped my non-existent long hair in an exaggerated fashion, pretending to fling it over one shoulder. “Well, obviously. I’m memorable. Junior year, he got an apartment with some friends but I was a second-stringer. They subbed me in when one of the girls moved home.”

  “Hey, I suggested you to Angus,” Max protested. “But Lauren and Nadia were kind of a package deal, best friends and all.”

  “And back then you wanted to bang Lauren, so...” I pretended to duck as he came toward me, but he bent down to kiss my nose instead of getting defensive.

  Oddly, his casual response made me feel better, like the past was really...past. It was a little weird for me sometimes, sleeping on Lauren’s side of the room, being with Max, like I’d stepped into a role she’d rejected. But God, that wasn’t healthy, especially when I hadn’t been this happy since before. Before Eli died. Before the pills and the white forgetting fog that scared the shit out of my mother and made my dad not want to face me.

  Max went on quietly, eyes on mine. “We lived together for six months before I realized she wasn’t just my best friend...that to me, she was also all the love in the world.”

  “Holy shit,” Dana breathed. “Is it just me or did it get
really fucking hot in here?”

  I exhaled slowly. “You’re not wrong.”

  “Want to take a walk?” He offered a hand like a knight of old, and I took it, not minding the chivalry when it came from Max.

  Tonight, he was rugged, two days of scruff darkening his jaw, and his black hair fell in shiny, shaggy waves, disheveled by the helmet. A dark blue T-shirt didn’t quite hide the ink on his arms, and I thought about the ones I couldn’t currently see as longing coiled in my stomach. God, it hadn’t even been that long, but the lightning kept striking again and again. He kept his hand wrapped around mine as he led me out of the garage and around the side of the house. Where he promptly pushed me up against the wall and kissed me until I was ready to fuck him in Evan’s backyard.

  “Where’s this coming from?” I finally managed to ask.

  “I don’t think you realize how sexy you are when you’re playing. Like, serious fucking intense hotness, Courtney. I love the way it lights you up.”

  “Wow.” For once, I had no clever comeback. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I might have to go with you to your shows and keep the pervs and groupies away. I’ll get a Security shirt, just in case.” Now he was obviously teasing me, but from the look in his eyes, I could see that he meant it—that he thought any guy would want me.

  Based on my life experiences—and what had just happened with Jared—that definitely wasn’t true. Leaving only one rational explanation.

  Max was nuts. About me.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Friday afternoon, I sat in class, daydreaming, thinking about the band and Max, not necessarily in that order.

  The professor’s voice rolled over me in waves, white noise similar to the ocean. Around me other people seemed more engaged, but I couldn’t get interested in statistics. My entrepreneurship class was more intriguing; even marketing had its moments, but this one sapped my will to live. I’d just gotten a B on my first test, though, so it seemed likely that I’d manage to graduate with a business degree like my parents wanted.

  After my last class, I rushed out of the building, anticipation quickening my step. Tonight was my first date with Max, and I couldn’t wait to get home to see him. That eager mood lasted just long enough for me to enjoy the sunlight on my face, then I spotted Max across the quad with Jared. I would’ve been happy if I never saw that asshole again, and from Max’s expression, the shit was about to hit the fan. He spat something, then shoved Jared hard.