The Shape of My Heart

  They knew I was dying, Eli said. You were the only one who wouldn’t accept it.

  You had remissions before. But my heart wasn’t in the argument. As he’d said, he had been gone for five years. The fact that I was still clinging said something sad about my mental health. I took a deep breath. And for the first time, it felt wrong talking to him when I had Max for real, as if I was silently admitting that he wasn’t enough—that I couldn’t share certain things with him. And that felt...disloyal.

  You’re almost there. Eli sounded sad.

  Tipping my head back, I stared up at the tangle of tree limbs waving in the wind. The scrape of dry leaves lent the night an oddly funeral air. In some ways, this was like burying my boyfriend all over again. While he might’ve died, he was never really gone. I fought the urge to cry. God, I’m so crazy.

  “You okay?” Evan set a hand on my shoulder. “Nervous?”

  “Somewhat.” Managing a smile, I followed him into the frat house.

  After the show, I promised Eli.

  It’s up to you, he answered. But you’ve known you have to move on for a while.

  Hearing that swelled the knot in my throat. Dread quickened my pulse and sweat broke out on my forehead. I had been treading water for five years, not drowning but not swimming, either. It was a weird situation, no question, but I didn’t think I could play alone. Once I got through the performance, then I’d see about quieting the voice in my head.

  The downstairs was huge and open with a loft area immediately upstairs. There must have been bedrooms up there, too, but it didn’t impact us. We took the forty-five minutes before the party started to set up and do the sound check. Acoustics were decent due to the ceilings, but I doubted anyone would notice unless we absolutely sucked. Max had said he’d swing by later; he was the kind of guy who could wander into a party and it never mattered if he’d been invited.

  By the time people started arriving in costume, we were ready to go. The blond guy in charge of entertainment paid Evan and he nodded at the rest of us. That’s my cue. I came in as Ji Hoo set the temp and we worked through our first set as more and more people arrived. Few of them paid any attention to the music, more interested in yelling and drinking, but that was fine. We were still getting paid. I saw what Evan meant about this being perfect for my first show, though. It was highly unlikely anybody would notice if I fumbled a few keys. The rest of the group was focused and professional, though, and I followed their example.

  Ten minutes in, and people started dancing. That was kind of a rush. I’d been at parties with live music before but I never wondered how they felt while I was rocking out. Good thing I played the keyboard, which let me sit down, because I had no moves. Not that I ever let it stop me from having fun, but there was no way I could do the cool spins that Dana was pulling off with her bass, somehow not stumbling on cables in the process.

  Mostly I focused on playing, not paying much attention to the idiots running around, but something made me glance up and I found Max standing in the crowd, just watching me. I smiled, somehow didn’t screw up and lifted my chin in silent acknowledgment. He answered with a smile so big and bright that my heart clenched. While the set wrapped up, a few girls came over to him and I saw him shaking his head, nodding toward me, ridiculous how happy it made me.

  “We’re taking a fifteen minute break,” Evan said, after we finished the song.

  A few guests actually protested as we stood up. Max threaded through a cluster of drinkers to catch my hand. I laced our fingers together as he led me toward the door. Until I got outside, I didn’t realize how hot I was, the brisk air chilly on my sweaty skin. Shivering, I rubbed my hands together, and his arm circled my shoulders.

  “How’re you doing?”

  “It’s fun. We sound okay?”

  “Yeah. And I love watching you.”

  “Pervert.”

  “You know what I mean.” He shifted, pulling me back against him so his chin rested on the top of my head and his arms wrapped around me from behind. “I feel like I should get you a present to commemorate your first show, but...”

  Though he didn’t finish, I knew he must be feeling bad that he couldn’t afford to get me expensive jewelry. I wouldn’t wear it anyway. “I don’t need anything.”

  “Come on, tell me your wish list. I’ll put a pin in it for later. What do you want?”

  “From you?” Tilting my head back so I could just see his profile, I pretended to consider. “Many things, and most of them are so dirty.”

  “Be serious. I’m not in a position now, but someday I will be.” To me, the words sounded like a promise.

  “Okay. I’d love for you to pick up an old car and restore it for me, top-notch cherry all the way. If I’m going to be an indie music mogul, I need a ride that says I’m the real deal.”

  Max set his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him slowly. “Seriously? Because I can do that. We’re always getting tips on good rebuild possibilities at the garage. It wouldn’t be fast, though, Courtney. Like my bike, it could take years.”

  The sweetest ache tightened my throat. “I’m counting on that.”

  His smile grew like a ray of sunlight streaming through the clouds, and Max pulled me fully into his arms, rubbing his hands over my back. “Are you saying what I think you are?”

  “If you’re asking if I’m in for the long haul, then the answer’s yes. I don’t connect to people too well, but when I do, I don’t let go.”

  “Thank God,” he whispered.

  I slid my arms around his waist and rested my cheek on his chest. “You’re really impressive, you know. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

  He kissed my forehead. “I don’t want to brag but I can take pretty much any broken thing and get it going again.”

  “I know,” I said. “You did that with me.”

  “...What?”

  Embarrassed, I closed my eyes before answering. “I wasn’t alive before, Max.”

  “Sure you were.” He sounded...uncomfortable, but I couldn’t risk a look at him to gauge his expression, not if I expected to make it through this confession.

  “I was more like a wind-up girl. Not living, just...there, going through the motions. You reminded me who I used to be...and that I still have dreams.”

  “Courtney.” The softness as he said my name told me he remembered that it felt like an endearment.

  Max bent to kiss me, and I stretched up to meet him. He cupped the back of my head, long fingers on the nape of my neck, and now that I knew he found it sexy, it seemed hotter to me, too, skin on skin, his mouth moving on mine. I tasted his tongue as someone stumbled out of the house to barf in the bushes. With a wry laugh, I pulled back.

  “Maybe not here.”

  “Yeah. You have a show to finish.”

  I followed him back inside, where Evan and Ji Hoo were already waiting. A minute later, Dana joined us, so they shut off the canned music and we played our second set. Nobody seemed to find our sound life-changing, but they danced and drank; we got paid. It was almost two when we broke down the equipment and loaded the van. Max hung around to help out, hauling the amps with no hint he’d already worked a full shift at the garage before showering and checking out the show. From what I’d seen, he definitely wasn’t there to party. He’d come for me.

  He must be exhausted, Eli said.

  Probably.

  “It’s late,” Evan said. “If you want, go on home with your boyfriend. I’ll put the van in the garage and unload in the morning.”

  “Are you sure?” Truthfully, I was pretty tired, but I didn’t want to seem like a slacker.

  “Yeah, it’s not a problem. How do you think I keep these guns?”

  “Thanks, man.” Max slapped him on the back, then steered me toward his bike.

  I’d heard that born performers got a natural high after a show, boosted by the love of the crowd. Either I wasn’t made for this or the audience hadn’t been receptive enough, because instead of
buoyant, I mostly felt sleepy and sad. I remembered the promise I’d made to the voice in my head, and while it was past time, it was also the end of an era. Thankfully, the motorcycle precluded conversation because I had no idea how I’d explain this to Max if he noticed something was wrong.

  I shouldn’t be upset.

  He parked the bike around the side of the building and I climbed off, handing him my helmet to stow. When he reached for my hand, I stepped back. “Give me a few minutes.”

  He frowned, the expression illuminated by the amber glow of the parking-lot lights. “Is something wrong?”

  “No, I’ll be up in a minute. It’s okay.”

  To my relief, he didn’t push. “If you’re sure. But if you’re not in my bed in fifteen minutes, I’m coming to find you.”

  “I hope so.”

  Max touched his brow to mine gently. “It’s a promise.”

  Once he left, the side lot seemed especially dark and quiet. This late, it was cold enough to see my breath and my leather jacket didn’t offer much insulation. I rubbed my hands together, then stuck them in my pockets. This seemed so bizarre, just lingering on the sidewalk, eyeing the gravel on either side that passed as landscaping around here.

  So I guess this is it, Eli said.

  My eyes filled with tears. Over the years I’d cried for him so often but I’d never felt like I was losing him. But now when I closed my eyes, I couldn’t picture his face anymore. I’d have to open up the album and remind myself how thick his brows were, if they were more brown or ginger. I could only recall the freckled explosion of his cheeks and his blue, blue eyes.

  I’m sorry, I don’t want to forget you. I hate that I am. But I remember more now how I felt when you died than how it was when we were together. Tears spilled over, hot as acid streaming down my cheeks. The wind chilled them immediately, and I scrubbed them away with an impatient swipe of my hand. Part of me will always love you. But we’re done talking now. Goodbye, Eli.

  And you’ll always be my first love. Take care of yourself, C.

  In my mind’s eye, I could almost see his face, but it was blurred by too-bright light, shining on his blond hair like a halo and then he went, leaving me. My head was so, so quiet, just my own thoughts, and the odd, muffled noises I made in trying not to cry. Failing, I crouched on the sidewalk and wept, hugging my knees until it hurt.

  Shit-fucking-shit. I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

  As I looked now, there was no way I could get in bed with Max without freaking him out, so I got out my phone and sent, Don’t wait up, I’ll see you in the morning. Then I trudged over to the workout room. At this hour, no sane person was using the equipment. I wasn’t dressed for this, but it was the only idea I had. The buses weren’t running and I had nowhere else to go. After taking off my jacket, I climbed onto the treadmill. I started at a run, like I could escape these feelings, but after five minutes, to keep my lungs from exploding, I slowed to a walk.

  This is how I do it. One day at a time, one step at a time. It’s fine. It’s been over forever. You didn’t lose him all over again. This is closure. So just walk one mile. Then one more. In the morning, it’ll be done.

  I had no idea how long I stumbled on, hands on the frame, mindless, streaming sweat; I only glanced up when the door banged open. Max froze when he spotted me, slumping against the doorframe. He looked like utter shit, dark circles under his eyes, two days of scruff on his jaw. His mouth was red and chapped, probably from hours of walking around, looking for me. Sorrow twisted into remorse when he rubbed a palm against his chest, as if finding me safe resulted in an actual physical ache.

  I stopped moving, let the conveyer belt dump me off the end of the machine. I had no idea what to say when he was so ferociously quiet. “Hey.”

  “You scared the shit out of me, you know that?”

  “Sorry.” If I tried to explain, it would probably sound crazy. “You didn’t have to stay up searching. I can take care of myself. I wouldn’t do anything dangerous.”

  “Yeah,” he bit out. “I did. I can’t lose my true north, Courtney. So I will always, always come and find you. No matter how long it takes.”

  Now my chest hurt, too, different than saying goodbye to Eli. “I should have told you I was going to Nadia’s. I didn’t mean to keep you up.”

  “Like I could sleep when I didn’t know where you were, if you were okay.”

  “I will be.”

  “What happened? Did someone fuck with you at the party?” By his grim expression, he was already planning to kick that person’s ass.

  That won a faint smile. “No, it was fine. And I guess I owe you the truth, after worrying you so much. I’m sorry.” Quietly I summed things up for him, then added, “See, there’s only room for you in my heart and in my head. I wanted to be all yours. And now...I am.”

  His throat worked. Finally he came up with “Holy shit.”

  Then he came from the doorway in a rush, sweeping me into his arms and hugging me so hard it hurt. “You didn’t have to do that...but I’m not sorry you did. It ate at me sometimes to watch you check out, wondering if you wished—”

  “I don’t. I’m with you, Max. All the way.” The tightness in my sternum gave way to sweetness, the warmth of him spreading through me.

  “Will you please come to bed now? I hope you’re satisfied, by the way. I’m too fucking tired for sex.”

  “Why would that satisfy me?”

  “You’re the one who stayed on the treadmill until almost five in the morning.”

  “Damn. I had no idea it was so late. Early? Yeah, let’s go.”

  At home I showered quickly, quietly, using their bathroom so I didn’t bother Kia. Then I crept into Max’s bed, where he was already asleep, sprawled on my side of the bed. In the morning, I didn’t wake until almost noon, confirmed by the brightness streaming in the window and a quick look at my phone. There was a new lightness in my heart. For a few minutes, I just watched him sleep, stroking his hair.

  I love you, I thought. Only you.

  Shifting, Max kissed me without opening his eyes. “I like this.”

  “Me, too.” Since I’d checked my email when I’d glanced at the time, I was bursting with news. “Guess what?”

  He pretended to think, nuzzling kisses against my neck. “You want to be my love slave and live only for me?”

  “Tempting. But no.”

  An exaggerated sigh. “I’m sad now. Why must you crush my dreams?”

  “Because I’m minoring in it. You want to guess again, or should I—”

  “Just tell me.”

  Propping up on my elbows, I beamed down at him. “Okay, I’ll tell you. Michael’s coming for Thanksgiving!”

  Max’s expression was priceless.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  A week later, I was knocking on Nadia’s door to request a favor.

  I felt bad that I hadn’t spent much time with her since she’d moved out, but her life was different now. Not only did she work full-time, she was also juggling a serious relationship and a kid. Maybe it was wrong of me, but in some ways, it felt like she’d leveled out of my league. She’d probably tell me not to be stupid if I admitted it out loud, but there was no doubt that her problems were much different than mine.

  She swung it open in a rush, hair up in a messy bun that she had the curls to pull off. I’d always admired her height, and she had fantastic legs. But personality-wise, she was too much of a type A to attract me. Which was good because sharing a room with her might’ve been awkward otherwise. I found relentlessly goal-oriented people exhausting.

  “Hey,” she said, smiling. “Long time no see.”

  “We’re right upstairs, you know. I’ve only seen you in passing and you haven’t texted me in a week and a half. Your silence is starting to hurt my feelings.” I was mostly joking, but there was a touch of truth to it.

  She winced. “Sorry about that. I tend to focus on whatever’s in my immediate field of vision. I need to work on
that.”

  “I’m willing to let you make it up to me.”

  “Yeah? Come on in. Ty’s in Sam’s room, helping him pack. We’re going to the zoological society in Ann Arbor later.”

  I raised a brow. “The kid needs to pack for that?”

  “You’d be surprised what a five-year-old thinks is mandatory for a day trip.”

  “Probably.” I followed her into the apartment and sat down on the red L-shaped sectional. “So...I was wondering if you had Thanksgiving plans.”

  Her smile dimmed. “Yeah, we do. We’ll be with Ty’s parents. They want us to spend the night because his sisters are both flying in. Did you plan to invite us over?”

  “No, actually. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind hosting us. See, Max’s brother is coming to visit and our apartment isn’t wheelchair accessible.”

  Her eyes widened to the point that it was comical. “Max has a brother? He never talks about his family. One of these days, I’m going to pick your brain and learn all his secrets.”

  “That will never happen.” Though I was smiling, my tone was firm.

  “Gotcha. Well, we won’t even be here on Thanksgiving, so if you want to eat here, it’s fine with me. I need to talk to Ty but when he finds out why, I’m sure he won’t have a problem with it. It would probably be easier on the guy’s pride than having to be carted around.”

  I nodded. “That’s what I was thinking.”

  “So what’s he like?”

  “Max’s brother?”

  At her nod, I answered, “Looks a lot like him but he’s buffer in the chest and shoulders. Very handsome, great eyes. Kind of hawkish whereas Max’s are all dark and soulful. He’s an athlete...” I considered, trying to remember what else I’d learned about him on the trip that wouldn’t breach Max’s confidence. “He’s homeschooled and smart. Curious about college. Interested in aeronautics.”

  “Damn. I wish I could meet him. But we’ve already committed to Ty’s parents.”