Soap Opera Uncensored: Issue 11

— despite the fact that she now stars on 12 hit prime-time shows and authors another New York Times’ best seller.

  • Ethan is recast with my hubby, Josh Kelly. But the actor laments, “I’m too perty to be on this show.” It’s later revealed Ethan’s the son of Holly and Robert when Tristan Rogers and Emma Samms return to the show. Francis and Finola Hughes high-five each other. “Go, Cartini,” the divas exclaim.

  • Bree Williams joins John McBain in Port Charles as a Natalie recast, hence the new red hair. Sorry, Melissa Archer!

  • John-Paul Lavoisier is cast as a nuDillion Quartermaine. He’s joined by Wally Kurth as Ned — and all is right with the world.

  • Much to Jax, Sonny and Jason’s chagrin, Carly goes black and never comes back.

  • Someone turns the lights on in Port Chuck! “My eyes,” screams Lisa LoCicero.

  • Turns out Olivia is really a Santi relative. She’s soon fired.

  • Dante and Lulu leave town — and Port Charles lightens up even more!

  • Ilene Kristen hits Port Charles as the hospital’s new Amy, who suddenly spouts malapropisms: “I’m on General Hospitality; hurray!”

  • GH is officially cancelled by ABC this spring…. fooling ABC showrunner Frank Valentini once again. “D’oh,” he screams. “But, hey, I’m running the Republican Presidential campaign — and we’re going to win! Promise; I swear. I have superhuman instincts!”

  • Meanwhile, in a shady alley, Jill Farren Fuck-Up lurks, ready to take aim…

  One Life To Live — Between Heaven and Hell: Fade To Black?

  Regarding the sad finale on Jan. 13, head writer Ron Carlivati teases, “We’re extraordinarily proud of the episodes we put out at the end. It holds up. Every day, we edit the show and we’re dying, the shows are so good. I just feel a lot of excitement and intensity and warmth and happiness and [it’s] funny, funny. Tuc’s [Watkins, David] stuff? People’s heads are going to explode. It’s all really good. We cover every single base, so I’m really happy about that. It’s spectacular.”

  • In an effort to save Fraternity Row, Roxy launches a coupon campaign. She later finds herself in a Twitter war with obsessed fans, who have no lives with the exception of the one they think they are leading on social media platforms with their soap star “friends.”

  • ABC finally relents and gives the rights back to its creator Agnes Nixon, who licences the show to a network, which actually knows what they’re doing. Long live, Llanview!

  • Josh Kelly takes off his clothes three thousand more times before the show signs off. He later proposes to Nelson Branco. He accepts.

  • Fraternity Row is saved! But they still don’t get a Soaps In Depth cover!

  • Turns out Marty killed Victor. Or did she? One Life psyched out us out —and Trevor St. John returns as Victor in the show’s finale episode just as Téa and John are about to have sex! Seeing Vic in the flesh, it’s John who runs up to Victor/Todd and embraces him!

  • Mitch reveals Jessica is really Clint’s daughter! Hurray!

  • Mitch reveals Natalie is really Roxy’s daughter! Hurray!

  • Farah Fath changes her hair colour six more times before the finale.

  • David Vickers defends Jill Farren Phelps’ talent when SouthWest General fires her! SouthWest General’s timeslot is given away to Blanca’s national new daytime talk show.

  • The prettiest boy in the world, Andrew Trischitta, finally pulls it together and delivers a tour-de-force performance on the show’s final episode. “But I’m still the best hair model ever, right, Nelson?” he writes me. “I love that title — and don’t want to lose it. It’ll totally help me get work in Hollywood.”

  • Aubrey moves back to Oakdale. Daniel Cosgrove consoles her.

  • Ford, James and Nate’s pecs collectively burst killing them instantly.

  • Destiny names her daughter, Karma Buchanan. “I miss my coma,” Matthew laments.

  • Shane still refuses to cut his hair.

  • Carlivati finally submits an Emmy-winning Outstanding Writing reel and wins his second award! Valentini, however, does not.

  • After murdering Fraternity Row’s network president, Linds and Nora have sex and ride off into the sunset together, Thelma and Louise-style — without driving off the cliff.

  The Young and the Restless — The Insightful Leading The Blind!

  “There will be some huge surprises that will impact stories for the New Year,” says co-head writer Scott Hamner.

  • Sony fires stuck-in-time co-head writers Hogan Sheffer and Scott Hamner — and the world celebrates like it's 1989. Turner Classic Movies mourns.

  • Bill Bell’s protégé, Sally Sussman Morina, returns as head writer; Maria Arena Bell remains as the soap’s executive producer.

  • Adam goes blind again after playing with himself too much.

  • Reva Shayne, who? Victor marries Sharon to get back at Adam. Sharon is distraught, however, when she learns she’s pregnant and isn’t sure who the father is: Adam, Victor, Sam or the goat.

  • Dru is alive! Hell freezes over when Victoria Rowell is asked to return to help spike the show’s sinking ratings. The entire cast quits.

  • Harmony decides to change her name again to Melody. Thomas Scott isn’t happy and launches a Twitter campaign.

  • Devon regains his hearing thanks to Adam’s miracle doctor.

  • In order to cut costs, Y&R boasts two sets: The church and the police station.

  • Diana DeGarmo wins a Daytime Emmy Award! Michael Muhney shoots himself.

  • Melody Thomas Scott is nominated for her second Daytime Emmy Award as Outstanding Lead Actress. She loses and gets wasted Nikki-style. “Who the hell is this Floh-renchia Lokano bitch?” she slurs.

  • Scene-biting Genie Francis returns for GH’s swan song but remains on Y&R. “She’s my Victor Newman,” proclaims Arena Bell. “She’s not going anywhere!” Except for viewers.

  • With her career in shambles, Kim Kardashian agrees to play the new Heather Stevens. She marries and divorces four leading men between February and November Sweeps before she’s fired.

  • Sharon and Avery play hide the dildo. And like it. They fall in love and watch Venice together.

  • Tristan Rogers files a lawsuit against Sony after having to undergo reconstructive lip surgery thanks to Genie Francis’s Hannibal Lector-style kissing. Rogers seeks Rowell’s advice. Rogers’ Secrets of a Soap Opera Stud hits bookstores at the end of 2012.

  • Billy and Victoria wed three more times before 2012 is over.

  • Turns out Billy impregnated Victoria look-alike Chelsea. Victoria buys his excuse and forgives him naturally after becoming obsessed with the idea of raising someone else’s child.

  • Jack continues to lose more brain cells by the day. But his hair has never looked better!

  • Patty is deemed a hero after knifing Sofia to death one thousand times. Unfortunately, and miraculously, the annoying bitch is revived. But Sofia later mysteriously dies when she’s forced to watch a marathon of GH.

  • Turns out Nikki did kill Diane in self-defence but Deacon bashed her skull in to make it look like a man murdered her.

  • Determined to profit on her drinking problem, Nikki (and Sony) produce a new line of Vodka: Bombed by Nikki Newman! Naturally, it bombs.

  • Pissed, Emmy winner Jess Walton leaves the show. Cybill Shepherd is recast as Jill.

  • By the end of the year, every Genoa City citizen is arrested for a crime they didn’t commit thanks to lightweight Ronan’s non-existent investigative skills.

  • Y&R seriously considers recasting Abby when Marcy Rylan becomes pregnant twice in 2012!

  • Michael Graz is named TV’s Sexiest Woman Alive by Soap Opera Uncensored. He becomes MAC’s newest spokeswoman.

  • Fed up with their lady loves; Kevin and Daniel finally admit their mutual love and lust. Months later, Y&R claims it never happened.

  • Adam literally walks around and s
tarts punching every stupid person he sees in the face — without every using his fists. Discuss.

  • A certain soap critic wets himself when his two favourite leading men come face to hairline: Muhney and Trevor St. John. The former One Life superstar arrives in Genoa City claiming to be the real Adam Newman (he’s not; but convinces everyone he is). Hence, Adam’s punching spree.

  • Jabot has its best fiscal year when Ashley comes up with a youth serum: Michelle Stafford’s sperm.

  • Cane and Phyllis embark on a torrid affair. Lane fans literally combust with anger!

  • Someone finally combs Amelia Heinle’s hair. Yeah, right. But she washes it next year, at least. Oh, who are we kidding?!

  • Hairstylist George Guzman is cast as Miguel’s gay nephew and begins working at the Newman ranch in an acclaimed anti-stereotyping casting move. “Bitch, please,” becomes the new “You got that?”

  • Cane reveals he’s not really an Ashby. He’s the love child of long-lost son of Victor and his first wife, Julia. “I’m finally a Newman,” smiles Daniel Goddard. He’s later fired but comes back as Cane Abbott.

  • In an effort to atone to the audience, Daisy breaks out of jail, absconds with her baby, but mom and daughter are later killed when a meteor hits them directly (so random, huh?). However, Kimberlin Brown brings back the real Sheila Carter to seek revenge. Off-screen, Brown attempts to reignite her love affair with Hunter Tylo down the hall. Tylo rehires her little bodyguard. “Is it the ‘90s again?” asks Tracey Bregman, who immediately calls her hairstylist. “Big hair is back! Do me ASAP!”

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