Dracula, Ergo, Terror!

  Chapter 5

  Twilight diminished, and the sun had nearly vanished behind the mountain range beyond the castle. At the far edge of the village, Ergo and Angst were given a horse and carriage for their journey. The villagers informed them that the horse would likely be spooked in the proximity of the castle bridge, and it would be best to proceed on foot at that point, assuming, of course, they weren’t killed by swooping black wraiths.

  Ergo nodded and climbed into the carriage as Angst heaved the last of the supplies aboard. With a final wave the two noble warriors departed, the reaction of the villagers a solemn silence. Even Henry seemed noticeably concerned, but he waved graciously nonetheless as he stood beside his daughter.

  Angst drove the carriage without speaking, and soon the quiet village gave way to more woods, black and baleful. Leafless trees reached oily, skeletal branches skyward and a noxious green haze seemed to fill the air with ominous doom. Ahead was an opening with a small wooden sign, labeled in crimson characters:

  Private property.

  No trespassing.

  Violators are generally never seen again by their loved ones.

  “Well, that’s pretty straightforward,” Angst observed. Beyond that point rose a narrow, dilapidated stone bridge with no guard railing, just a narrow path leading across a fatally long drop. And beyond that loomed the monstrous castle of the monster, even more horrifying than before.

  “It appears we’re at the bridge, so we should leave the horse and carriage here and proceed on foot.”

  Ergo nodded, stepped down, and reached for his supplies as Angst did the same. Just as he was looping the whip over his shoulder, he heard it. Angst stopped as well and looked up and ahead. A terrible, high-pitched shriek repeated and echoed.

  “We’d better keep moving. I don’t want to find out what that is,” Ergo said, and started across the bridge. The surface below his feet was a kind of loose cobblestone, and he uneasily walked farther, not daring to look down, because the drop around his peripheral vision seemed to indicate the rickety bridge stretched across an enormous canyon. Angst strode at his side, a small sword drawn and aimed ahead. Without warning, the screams grew louder. Ergo looked up and gasped.

  An undulating black cloud descended from the direction of the castle. Too fast for Ergo’s liking, the cloud separated into inky black dragon-like creatures the size of massive eagles descending towards the two travelers.

  “Get ready with that whip!” yelled Angst, his sword raised and his teeth clenched.

  Ergo readied his weapon as well but to no avail. The winged assailants were extremely fast and in a matter of seconds the multitude had descended upon them, screeching and slashing with their razor-sharp beaks and talons. Ergo managed to crack the whip once but hit nothing. A soaring creature blasted him backwards, nearly sending him off the bridge. He scrambled to his feet, dazed, then stared in horror as one of the creatures grasped Angst and carried him off. He screamed just as another one slammed into him and sent him flailing over the bridge’s edge.

  With a quick reflexive action he snapped the whip again and managed to wrap the lash around an ancient support beam beneath the bridge. He hung below and listened to the shrieks and screams of the creatures above, waiting in terror for the moment they would swoop down and find him. But it never happened. The noise and chaos above the bridge gradually faded and finally the creatures were gone, apparently with Angst, and Ergo was alone.

  Inch by painstaking inch, Ergo climbed up the side of the bridge until he hauled himself to safety. The winged creatures were nowhere to be seen, and the air was still and eerily quiet. He crossed the last yards of the bridge, strode cautiously to the large, menacing wooden door of the castle, and reached out to knock, when the door slowly opened. Peering from behind the door was a hunched fellow who squinted at Ergo.

  “I’m here for an appointment with the count,” Ergo said nervously.

  The doorman studied Ergo with a leer, like one would study a peculiar purple blotch on the bottom of a shoe, then quietly opened the door and scuttled aside. Ergo entered into a festively decorated great hall, lined with glistening suits of silver armor. The room was musty and windowless, illuminated by dozens of wall-mounted torches. A cobweb-covered chandelier hung precariously above a long, narrow scarlet carpet, which led directly through the center of the hall towards a twin pair of huge oaken doors. It was in that direction that the hunched character gestured.

  Ergo walked with caution along the red carpet. Just as he reached the doors, they swung open, seemingly of their own volition. There, beyond the door, stood a lumbering titan with green-hued skin that was decorated with a hideous array of patchwork scars. He gestured for Ergo to enter. Before him stood a magnificent table, carefully set with an elaborate array of fine foods.

  And there, at the head of the table, stood his host. Dressed in an extravagantly expensive velvet coat of dark violet, with oily black hair that flowed down and over his broad shoulders, he glared at Ergo with glowing red eyes.

  Ergo recoiled in terror as icy menace washed over him, and then suddenly he made a terrible discovery.

  The face before him, although considerably more gaunt and pallid, was undeniably recognizable.

  “Fred?”

  “No!” he bellowed, his voice dynamic and terrible. “Dracula.”

  “But isn’t he, isn’t that…?”

  “Under copyright? No, no, I checked into that, and it’s fair to use. Wouldn’t want any pestering lawyers to contact me about a ‘valuable trademark being potentially tainted’ or ‘confusing in general to consumers’… waaa waaaa!!!!” Dracula feigned wiping tears from his eyes. “Gaa gaa… waaaa…” As if realizing he was making a fool of himself, he suddenly straightened then, in an inhuman display of supernatural power, he leaped across the table’s span and loomed above the trembling Ergo.

  “Do you know what I think about lawyers, Ergo?”

  Without speaking, Ergo shook his head.

  “Their blood is just as tasty as anyone else’s. In fact, not many lawyers practicing here in Transylvania any more… I acted forthwith to cure their troubling wrongs…” His glowing red eyes lifted dreamily.

  Ergo mustered the courage to speak again, although he was shivering from sheer intimidation at this towering presence of power. “Fred, what happened to you?”

  “You keep calling me Fred, but I assure you my name is Dracula. Oh, I sometimes go by Count Frederick von Stoltfus, but let’s be honest, there’s sort of a pretentious airiness to that, isn’t there? No, Dracula works…”

  “You were once Fred, host of a public television show about…”

  “What is this public television of which you speak? Sounds like a communist invention or something — bah, that concerns me not!” He brushed his hand through the air as if tangibly dismissing the idea. “Now, please, have a seat.”

  Dracula held out a pale hand with delicately sharpened nails, and a wooden chair slid across the room and into his grasp.

  “Sit.” Dracula paced before the nervous red creature.  “No, I assure you, I am not the one of whom you think. My origins are far more simplistic. As memory serves, long ago I was once merely a poor Amish vegan, living a life of simple whimsy selling apples in an upstate Pennsylvania marketplace, behind a wooden fruit cart all day. Things were good, the brethren treated me well, and then one dreadful day…”

  Ergo watched, aghast, in terrible anticipation.

  “…I was looking at my face in the mirror and realized that, unlike others, I had no reflection. Darnedest thing. How could that be?”

  “Fred, don’t you remember anything before…?”

  Dracula ignored Ergo and continued his narrative. “I… started to floss, to remove a persnickety chunk of apple I could feel was lodged there, and realized I had really sharp canines. Funny, isn’t it, being a vegan, eating fruits and tofu all day, and yet here, in my mouth, were razor-sharp canine teeth.” He slowly lifted his lips, revealing a disturbingly pea
rly-white set of dental work. “I mean, think about it: canines. Sharp teeth for rending and puncturing flesh… why would I relegate myself to a terrible lifestyle of simply eating cultivated soy products?!” He shrugged.

  “Well, I made my way to town one day and there were some city folk, picking on my Amish friends as seems to happen every day. I stepped forward and calmly told my brethren to go back to their farms and their barns, and that I would address the bullies with peace and brotherly kindness. My bearded brothers quickly departed, and the bullies circled about me. And you know what happened next?”

  Ergo put his hands together nervously and realized they were ice cold.

  “I bought them all some ice cream!” Dracula smiled a coy, cheerful smile, and touched a finger to his cheek. “‘Fellas, how about some ice cold ice cream treats on this fine summer day?’ I said.”

  “Really?” Ergo asked.

  “Uh-huh!” Dracula nodded cheerfully. “Then, after they finished their cones, I exsanguinated all of them… slowly. Oh, what bliss.”

  Ergo’s jaw dropped.

  “The experience was a life-transforming one. It was my rebirth! My fragile silver hair was replaced with this long mane of silky black that you see. My complexion became more lively and clear. But more than anything else, I suddenly understood the psychology of power and I hungered for more. It wasn’t enough to just become a dark prince, but I needed to build my empire of darkness!”

  Ergo listened, remembering how long ago the mystical and terrible dark science of the Larger Collider had radically transformed both him and Fred, in Fred’s case turning him into a space vampire, one absorbing the life energies of aliens. But the last time Ergo had seen him, Fred had denounced that vicious lifestyle and instead adopted a simple, fruit-based diet amongst the common folk. Apparently, Fred had selected a more sinister direction into becoming the evil count now standing before him.

  “As I contemplated what had happened,” Dracula continued, “I realized at that moment that I was destined for something much greater than simply living out my life as a vegan Amish apple-cart merchant, and that I had to leave my humble place of origin, an origin that memories of, frankly, grow more foggy…” Dracula’s voice trailed off, but then he rebounded loudly. “The past matters not! I spent the next few weeks planning my actions, as well as feeding on bullies, and soon not only was that particular section of Dutch Pennsylvania completely devoid of arrogant upstarts, but I was satiated and ready with a plan. The time had come for me to take control of my destiny. I would make my way to Transylvania and adopt the mantle of Dracula!”

  Ergo sat petrified, listening to the expositional saga of his old friend unfold.

  “There were plenty of old, abandoned castles here in Transylvania, but this was the finest and the most menacing, complete with its own adjacent village of terrified villagers. What more could a vampire ask? But once I had settled in, I learned something that transformed my life again. You see, I had been hungrily devouring all of the life from those bullies in the Amish community and yet, all along, I had been missing something key. It’s not enough to just exsanguinate someone and leave them dead… you need to… bring them into your enterprise…”

  Something very cold did a series of somersaults in Ergo’s stomach at the malicious gleam in Dracula’s red eyes, eyes that seemed to glare directly into Ergo’s soul.

  Dracula smiled wickedly. “It will all become clear soon.”

  With a powerful hand like ice cold iron, Dracula pressed on Ergo’s back and guided him into an adjacent room. By passing through those large double doors, Ergo was about to be shocked in ways he had never imagined possible.

  There before him was a large banquet room, set up with two wide rows of chairs, all filled to capacity, and suddenly the room erupted into loud applause and whistles. Ergo was dumbfounded.

  Dracula carefully led him to the front of the room, where he directed him to a chair in the front row… directly beside Angst, who smiled faintly and nodded. Ergo was lightheaded with confusion as he took his seat. The applause continued but slowly died down as Dracula, standing on a small dais, raised his hands, calling for all in attendance to be silent.

  “My friends, welcome. Tonight promises to be a wonderful evening of incredible potential and promise, as I will show you all the opportunity of a lifetime… a never-ending lifetime opportunity.”

  Ergo looked around nervously and made a chilling observation: the room was filled with what appeared to be a host of well-dressed vampires, men and women, who all smiled with gleaming fangs. More terrifying was the fact that sitting beside them were the missing peasants from the village, who all looked just as frightened as Ergo.

  “As you know, my name is Dracula, and I am the Prince of Darkness — but let’s don’t get caught up in formal titles.” He smiled cheekily and there was laughter in the room, mainly from the vampires. “I’m here to show you all how, through the One-to-One Vampire Connection Program, you can build your own vampire enterprise and how, by recruiting simply two vampires into your own organization, you can become an independently powered vampire, drawing from your own vampiric activity as well as the activity of your downline. I learned long ago that when I bit a victim and transfomed him into a vampire servant, when those I transformed would go out and attack and grow in power, my own power was magnified. The power channeled up to me as their upline, and this wonderful experience of growth and power was something I could share with others. I just couldn’t keep it a secret!”

  More vigorous applause. Dracula turned and tugged aside a burgundy curtain behind him, revealing a large whiteboard, then reached down and picked up a candy red Dry-Erase marker. He started to draw a shape at the top of the board, representing a vampire.

  “You see, here you are at the top of your vampire organization. As you bring more vampires into your own individual organization, you will continue to grow more powerful as those vampires below you…” he stopped to draw out the diagram in a pyramid shape, “…continue to feed and grow and bring in more recruits. The power directly channels up to you when those you bring in do their work. Now, don’t think of this as a pyramid, because it really isn’t…”

  Dracula continued to ramble on as he drew what was clearly a pyramid on the board. Ergo’s initial fear gave way to revulsion. What sort of sick, twisted organization had he been tricked into attending? He turned to Angst, who seemed enthralled.

  “Angst,” Ergo whispered, “what happened? I thought…”

  Angst silenced him with a finger then whispered, “Pay attention to this… it’s fascinating.”