The End of the World: A Love Story

  CHAPTER XI.

  THE COON-DOG ARGUMENT.

  The reader must understand that all this time Elder Hankins continued tobombard Clark township with the thunders and lightnings of theApocalypse, continued to whirl before the dazed imaginations of hisrustic hearers the wheels within wheels and the faces of the livingcreatures of 'Zek'el, continued to cipher the world out of existenceaccording to formulas in Dan'el, marched out the he-goat, made the sevenheads and ten horns of the beast do service over and over again. And allthe sweet mysteries of Oriental imagery, the mystic figures whichunexpounded give so noble a depth to the perspective of Scripture, werecut to pieces, pulled apart, and explained, as though they were tricksof legerdemain. Julia was powerfully impressed, not by the declamationsof Hankins, for she had sensibility enough to recoil from hisvivisection of Scripture, though she had been all her life accustomed tohear it from other than Millerites, but she was profoundly affected bythe excitement about her. Her father, attracted in part by the promisethat there should be no marrying there, had embraced Millerism with allhis heart, and was in such a state of excitement that he could notattend to his business. Mrs. Anderson was in continual trepidation aboutit, though she tried not to believe it. She was on the point ofrebelling and declaring that the world _should_ not come to an end. Buton the whole she felt that the government of the universe was one affairin which she would have to give up all hope of having her own way.Meantime there was no increase of religion. Some were frightened out oftheir vices for a time, but a passionate terror of that sort is theworst enemy of true piety.

  "Fer my part," said Cynthy Ann, as she walked home with Jonas, "fer mypart, I don't believe none of his nonsense. John Wesley" (Jonas was aNew-Light, and Cynthy always talked to him about Wesley) "knowed a heapmore about Scripter than all the Hankinses and Millerses that ever wasborn, and he knowed how to cipher, too, I 'low. Why didn't he say theworld was goin' to wind up? An' our persidin' elder is a heap betterinstructed than Hankins, and he says God don't tell nobody when theworld's goin' to wind up."

  "Goin' to run down, you mean, Cynthy Ann. 'Kordin' to Hankins it's a oldclock gin out in the springs, I 'low. How does Hankins know that'Zek'el's livin' creeters means one thing more'n another? He talks aboutthem wheels as nateral as ef he was a wagon-maker fixin' a ole buggy. Hesays the thing's a gone tater; no more craps of corn offen the bottomland, no more electin' presidents of this free and glorious Columby, nomore Fourths, no more shootin' crackers nor spangled banners, no morenothin'. He ciphers and ciphers, and then spits on his slate and wipesus all out. Whenever Gabr'el blows I'll b'lieve it, but I won't takenone o' Hankins's tootin' in place of it. I shan't git skeered at notin-horns, and as for papaw whistles, why, I say Jericho wouldn'ta-tumbled for no sech music, and they won't fetch down no stars thatair way."

  Here old Gottlieb Wehle, who had just joined the Millerites, came up."Yonas, you mags shport of de Piple. Ef dem vaces in der veels, and demawvool veels in der veels, and dem figures vot always says aideenhuntert vordy dree, ef dem tond mean sompin awvool, vot does dey mean?mean? Hey?"

  "My venerated friend and feller-citizen of forren birth," said Jonas,"you hit the nail on the crown of the head squar, with the biggest sortov a sledge-hammer. You gripped a-holt of the truth that air time likethe American bird a-grippin' the arries on the shield. What do theymean? That's jest the question, and you Millerites allers argies likethe man who warranted his dog to be a good coon-dog, bekase he warn'tgood fer nothin' else under the amber blue. Now, my time-honored friendand beloved German voter, jest let me tell you that _on the coon-dogprinciple_ you could a-wound up the trade and traffic of this airth anytime. Fer ef they don't mean 1843, what do they mean? Why, 1842 or 1844,of course. You don't come no coon-dog argyments over me, not while Iremain sound in wind and limb."

  "Goon-tog! Who zed goon-tog? Ich tidn't, Hankins tidn't, Ze'kel's wisiontidn't zay nodin pout no goon-tog. What's goon-togs cot do too mit deend of de vorld? Yonas, you pe a vool, maype."

  "The same to yerself, my beloved friend and free and enlightenedfeller-citizen. Long may you wave, like a green bay boss, and ajimson-weed on the sunny side of a board-fence!"

  Gottlieb hurried on, finding Jonas much harder to understand than theprophecies.

  "I hear the singing-master is goin' to jine," said Cynthy Ann. "Wonderef they'll take him with all his seals and straps, and hair on his upperlip, with the plain words of the Bible agin gold and costly apparel?Wonder ef he's tuck in, too?"

  "Tuck in? He an't one of that kind. He don't never git tuck in--he tucksin. He knows which side of his bread's got quince preserves onto it. Iused to run second mate on the Dook of Orleans, and I know his kind.He'll soar around like a turkey-buzzard fer a while. Presently he'll'light. He's rusticatin' tell some scrape blows over. An' he'll makesomethin' outen it. Business afore pleasure is his motto. He don't hangthat seducin' grin under them hawky eyes fer nothin'. Wait till thepious and disinterested example 'lights somewheres. Then look out forthe feathers, won't ye! He won't leave nary bone. But here we air. Ideclare, Cynthy, this walk seems _the shortest_, when I'm in superfine,number-one comp'ny!"

  Cynthy was so pleased with this remark, that she did penance in her mindfor a week afterwards. It was so wicked to enjoy one's self out ofclass-meeting!