The End of the World: A Love Story

  CHAPTER XVI.

  JONAS EXPOUNDS THE SUBJECT.

  "I 'lowed I'd ketch you here, my venerable and reliable feller-citizen!"said Jonas as he entered the lower story of Andrew Anderson's castle andgreeted August, sitting by Andrew's loom. It was the next evening afterJulia's interview with Cynthy Ann. "When do you 'low to leave thisterry-firmy and climb a ash-saplin'? To-night, hey? Goin' to the QueenCity to take to steamboat life in hopes of havin' your sperrits raisedby bein' blowed up? Take my advice and don't make haste in the downwardroad to destruction, nor the up-hill one nuther. A game a'n't neverthrough tell it's played out, an' the American eagle's a chicken withsteel spurs. That air sweet singer of Israel that is so hifalugeon hehas to anchor hisself to his boots, knows all the tricks, and isintimately acquainted with the kyards, whether it's faro, poker, euchre,or French monte. But blamed ef Providence a'n't dealed you a betterhand'n you think. Never desperandum, as the Congressmen say, fer whilethe lamp holds out to burn you may beat the blackleg all to flindersand sing and shout forever. Last night I went to bed thinkin' 'Umphreyshad the stakes all in his pocket. This mornin' I found he was in a farway to be beat outen his boots ef you stood yer ground like a man and agineological descendant of Plymouth Rock!"

  Andrew stopped his loom, and, looking at August, said: "Our friend Jonasspeaks somewhat periphrastically and euphuistically, and--he'll pardonme--but he speaks a little ambiguously."

  "My love, I gin it up, as the fish-hawk said to the bald eagle one day.I kin rattle off odd sayings and big words picked up at Fourth-of-Julysand barbecues and big meetins, but when you begin to fire off yourforty-pound bomb-shell book-words, I climb down as suddent as DavyCrockett's coon. Maybe I do speak unbiguously, as you say, but I wasgivin' you the biggest talkin' I had in the basket. And as fer my goodnews, a feller don't like to eat up all his country sugar to wunst, I'low. But I says to our young and promisin' friend of German extraction,beloved, says I, hold onto that air limb a little longer andyou're saved."

  "But, Jonas," said August, spinning Andrew's winding-blade round andspeaking slowly and bitterly, "a man don't like to be trifled with, ifhe is a Dutchman!"

  "But sposin' a man hain't been trifled with, Dutchman or noDutchman? Sposin' it's all a optical delusion of the yeers?There's a word fer _you_, Andrew, that a'n't nuther unbiguousnor peri-what-you-may-call-it."

  "But," said August, "Betsey Malcolm--"

  "_Betsey Malcolm!_" said Jonas. "Betsey Malcolm to thunder!" and then hewhistled. "Set a dog to mind a basket of meat when his chops isa-waterin' fer it! Set a kingfisher to take keer of a fish-pond! Set acat to raisin' your orphan chickens on the bottle! Set a spider to nussa fly sick with dyspepsy from eatin' too much molasses! I'd ruther trusta hen-hawk with a flock of patridges than to trust Betsey Malcolm withyour affairs. I ha'n't walked behind you from meetin' and seed her heada bobbin' like a bluebird's and her eyes a blazin an' all that, fernothin'. Like as not, Betsey Malcolm's more nor half your trouble inthat quarter."

  "But she said--"

  "It don't matter three quarters of a rotten rye-straw what she said, myinexper'enced friend. She don't keer what she says, so long as it's furenough away from the truth to sarve her turn. An' she's told pay-tentdouble-back-action lies that worked both ways. What do you 'low JuleAnderson tho't when she hearn tell of your courtin' Betsey, as Betseytold it, with all her nods an' little crowin'? Now looky here, Gus, I'myour friend, as the Irishman said to the bar that hugged him, an' I wantto say about all that air that Betsey told you, spit on the slate an'wipe that all off. They's lie in her soap an.' right smart chance ofsaft-soap in her lie, I 'low."

  These rough words of Jonas brought a strange intelligence into the mindof August. He saw so many things in a moment that had lain under hiseyes unnoticed.

  "There is much rough wisdom in your speech, Jonas," said Andrew.

  "That's a fact. You and me used to go to school to old Benefieldtogether when I was little and you was growed up. You allers beateverybody all holler in books and spellin'-matches, Andy. But I 'low Icut my eye-teeth 'bout as airly as some of you that's got more larnin'under your skelp. Now, I say to our young friend and feller-citizen,don't go 'way tell you've spoke a consolin' word to a girl as'll stickto you tell the hour and article of death, and then remains yours trulyforever, amen."

  JONAS.]

  "How do you know that, Jonas?" said August, smiling in spite of himself.

  "How do I know it? Why, by the testimony of a uncorrupted anddisinterested witness, gentlemen of the jury, if the honorable courtpleases. What did that Jule Anderson do, poor thing, but spend sometime making a most onseasonable visit to Cynthy Ann last night? And I'low ef there's a ole gal in this sublunary spear as tells the truth ina bee-line and no nonsense, it's that there same, individooal, identicalCynthy Ann. She's most afeard to drink cold water or breathe fresh airfer fear she'll commit a unpard'nable sin. And that persecuted youngpigeon that thought herself forsooken, jest skeeted into Cynthy Ann'sbudwoir afore daybreak this mornin' and told her all her sorrows, andhow your letter and your goin' with that Betsey Malcolm"--here Augustwinced--"had well nigh druv her to run off with the straps andwatch-seals to get rid of you and Betsey and her precious and mightyaffectionate ma."

  "But she won't look at me in meeting, and she sent Humphreys to me withan insulting message."

  "Which text divides itself into two parts, my brethren andfeller-travelers to etarnity. To treat the last head first, beloved, Iadmonish you not to believe a blackleg, unless it's under sarcumstanceswhen he's got onusual and airresistible temptations to tell the truth. Idon't advise yer to spit on the slate and rub it out in this case. Breakthe slate and throw it away. To come to the second pertikeler, which isthe first in the order of my text, my attentive congregation. She didn'tlook at you in meetin'. Now, I 'spose you don't know nothin' of hermother's heart-disease. Heart-disease is trumps with Abigail Anderson.She plays that every turn. Just think of a young gal who thinks that efshe looks at her beau when her mother's by, she might kill herinvalooable parient of heart-disease. Fer my part, I don't take no stockin Mrs. Abby Anderson's dyin' of heart-disease, no ways. Might as welltalk about a whale dyin' of footrot."

  "Well, Jonas, what counsel do you give our young friend? Your sagacityis to be depended on."

  "Why, I advise him to speak face to face with the angel of his life. Lethim climb into my room to-night. Leave meetin' jest afore thebenediction--he kin do without that wunst--and go double-quick acrostthe fields, and git safe into my stoodio. Ferther pertikelers when thetime arrives."