Feelings
brought her to this really fancy restaurant and told her that he had never loved any girl more than he loved her, and if she would marry him. She did not even require a moment to think about it as she yelled yes. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, she knew he did not know the biggest secret of her life but she was at peace with it. He did not have to know.
They married in a beautiful open air ground that was all decorated in white and purple; she wore this amazing white dress that made her look angelic. She was happy as she walked down the aisle and she had never been so sure of anything in her life as she said “I do” and vowed to always be there for him.
They moved into a new apartment where they would spend the rest of their lives together, have babies and start a family. Felicity loved Michael and Michael with all his teasing and then lovingly kissing her to make up for it; loved her even more.
Few months had passed now after their marriage and they were both slowly falling into their old routines when Michael started noticing small things about felicity that seemed off to him. He would ask but she always shrugged him off like it was nothing. She never went to shower, she had huge amounts of packets of alcohol wipes and once Michael jokingly sprinkled water on her to wake her up on a lazy Sunday morning and she completely freaked out. He saw her with a confused look while she ran around looking for any cloth to wipe off the water from her face, “Are you crazy? Stop that!” he said but she was not listening.
He was definitely curious about her because he knew she loved and adored him, it was obvious and he loved her too but he couldn’t help but feel queasy that she was hiding something.
“You know you can tell me anything right?” he asked her one day while they had dinner, she looked up from her plate of spaghetti and smiled, “ I know sweetheart , and I do “ she said,
He sighed, he couldn’t shake the feeling anyhow “Then why do I feel like you constantly hide something from me?” he asked, Felicity gave him a look “Why, is something wrong? What is it?” she asked with a concerned voice, she looked a little worried as well and Michael did not fail to notice that.
He took a deep breath, “Fliss, I love you but you have to be honest with me, okay? All those wipes, Being scared of water, you never take a bath, trust me I’ve noticed. I know you use those wipes instead because you smell like alcohol all the frikkin time, you have to tell me what is going on with you”
He paused to look at her but when she opened her mouth, he added sternly” And don’t even think about lying, I need the truth!”
He had never talked to her in that tone, she had heard him yell and but he had never directed any of that negativity towards her; she felt scared.
She wanted to say it all, but she was scared he would not understand and that he would leave her. She felt like she had no choice though; time had come when she had to come clean to him and find out how he would react. She wondered if his reaction would be worse than what she always imagined when she thought about it late at night. She slowly ventured to speak and little by little she started telling him everything, he listened to it all and when she was finished her face was wet with tears.
“Are you saying that you have stayed away from water since you met me?” he asked slowly as if still processing slowly what she had told him.
“Well, yes but I told you it’s to” she started,
“To keep all the emotions? I get it” he finished for her, “but you do realize that you sound crazy, Fliss you have to shower, it’s all in your head” he continued,
Felicity was shocked that he did not believe her, in all her imagined reactions there were none where he had not believed her, and she didn’t know what to say to him. She was angry and wanted to cry all at the same time.
“WHAT? You don’t believe me?” she asked him, her anger was showing through her voice.
He threw his hands in air like he always did when he was exasperated “Well, do you blame me? You sound ridiculous” he said. Felicity felt she had had enough of this and got up, she picked up her plate from the table and went to the kitchen when a sob escaped her mouth. Michael was instantly behind her, he pulled the now sobbing felicity into a hug and slowly whispered” listen to me, everything is okay” he reassured.
She sobbed and nodded into his chest. He pulled away and very gently he pulled her to the bathroom, when felicity realized where they were going she took a step back, “ No!” she exclaimed and refused to move. Her cheeks still had tears on them , he wiped them away and said “ look at your face, let’s just start with washing away those okay? Then you’ll know it’s nothing and you were worried for nothing” he started, but felicity took another step back, “No, Michael why don’t you believe me? Please Michael” she begged but by now Michael had gotten angry,
“No, No Nothing Fliss, this is ridiculous, you are being stupid, why don’t YOU realize that?” he said aggressively. Felicity was sobbing a little again when Michael grabbed her arm and tried to pull her toward the bathroom, she got so scared by what might happen if he succeeded that she started to fight him off. she was screaming at him to stop, begging him even but he had gotten his mind set on the task of pouring water on her whether she liked it or not. He was physically forcing her. He tried to grab her and carry her but she was crying so hard and fighting with such vigor that she managed to kick him in his stomach; he fell back trying to catch his breath, she fell from his shoulders and crawled backward. She was screaming and thrashing while she cried her eyes out, she begged him to stop all this. She was saying over and over that she did not want to lose it all, she loved him. He reached for her again as he told her he loved her that was why he was doing it. He had to show her she was wrong, he thought. If only he could prove it she would be alright;
But she was far from alright; she was going red in the face from all the crying. She was on the floor and trying to kick herself farther away from him, he saw her like that and he realized that this was not the way to fix this. It broke his heart that felicity, the love of his life might be sick.
“Felicity, sweetheart “he started but she screamed “NO, DON’T MAKE ME!”
He knelt down and slowly put his hands towards her, to show that he was not going to hurt her. Felicity was so scared of losing him that she did not realize, that during this she had made him think she was beyond repair, “I’m not crazy Michael” she sobbed, “ please , why don’t you believe me?” she begged.
Michael himself had tears in his eyes, “ It’s been going on for a year felicity, this has to stop, if this doesn’t stop, we can’t be together “ he said slowly realizing that he was right, he couldn’t be with her like this, even if it broke his heart. If being with her made her life desolate he had to let go. He loved her too much to let her destroy herself.
She sobbed even more, “No, don’t say that please don’t say that, I love you”, she pulled forward and came close to him; she put her hands around him and hugged him while sobbing loudly.
He loved her too, and he wasn’t afraid to say it, “I love you too, but this ends right now, if you don’t listen to reason” he said, she stilled then, after sometime she pulled back and looked him into his eyes, “Remember when we first met? I didn’t used to smile? Then remember the plumbing broke at my apartment? Michael can’t you see I’m telling the truth?” she asked him with a desperate look in her eyes, He looked at her, “I can prove it to you everything is in your heard, why don’t you give it a chance?” he asked.
She could give it a chance just to show him she was right but she had worked so hard to keep away from that emptiness that it scared her now; just like once the emotions scared her, now the thought of emptiness sent chills to her bones. But wasn’t sacrificing part of loving someone? She loved Michael so much that she was willing to give him everything she was but he didn’t believe her. That broke her heart that he didn’t believe her.
“I can do anything for you, but you don’t believe me do you?” she asked him, he sighed took her hand in his and said “I love you, isn?
??t that enough?”
Felicity shook her head very slowly. She looked calm even though her heart was breaking into a million pieces.
“Then where does that put us?” he asked,
She looked down, “I don’t know, but if you don’t believe what I have to say then I don’t think we really need to discuss any of this”
“felicity_” he started,
“No,” she cut him off, “I’ve spent all my life in the darkness, I can’t go back. I would rather die”
He slowly nodded as he got up, fetched his coat and went out but before closing the door he turned around and said “I Hope you know what you’re doing by throwing everything we have away” and then he was gone.
Felicity didn’t see him for some time again, she was breaking. Never in her entire life had she felt so much pain. She felt as if she was going to die of the heartache. She didn’t eat or sleep or do anything, all she did was stare onto a wall and tried to stop herself from shattering apart by hugging herself. She waited for the pain to stop, but it never did.
Never once she thought about going to wash away her pain because she had decided, she had realized that it was better to live with pain than to live like an empty shell. Pain was a part of life; Michael had made her appreciate