The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven: Stories

  But the little warrior in me roared to life that day and knocked Frenchy to the ground, held his head against the snow, and punched him so hard that my knuckles and the snow made symmetrical bruises on his face. He almost looked like he was wearing war paint.

  But he wasn’t the warrior. I was. And I chanted It’s a good day to die, it’s a good day to die, all the way down to the principal’s office.

  SECOND GRADE

  Betty Towle, missionary teacher, redheaded and so ugly that no one ever had a puppy crush on her, made me stay in for recess fourteen days straight.

  “Tell me you’re sorry,” she said.

  “Sorry for what?” I asked.

  “Everything,” she said and made me stand straight for fifteen minutes, eagle-armed with books in each hand. One was a math book; the other was English. But all I learned was that gravity can be painful.

  For Halloween I drew a picture of her riding a broom with a scrawny cat on the back. She said that her God would never forgive me for that.

  Once, she gave the class a spelling test but set me aside and gave me a test designed for junior high students. When I spelled all the words right, she crumpled up the paper and made me eat it.

  “You’ll learn respect,” she said.

  She sent a letter home with me that told my parents to either cut my braids or keep me home from class. My parents came in the next day and dragged their braids across Betty Towle’s desk.

  “Indians, indians, indians.” She said it without capitalization. She called me “indian, indian, indian.”

  And I said, Yes, I am. I am Indian. Indian, I am.

  THIRD GRADE

  My traditional Native American art career began and ended with my very first portrait: Stick Indian Taking a Piss in My Backyard.

  As I circulated the original print around the classroom, Mrs. Schluter intercepted and confiscated my art.

  Censorship, I might cry now. Freedom of expression, I would write in editorials to the tribal newspaper.

  In third grade, though, I stood alone in the corner, faced the wall, and waited for the punishment to end.

  I’m still waiting.

  FOURTH GRADE

  “You should be a doctor when you grow up,” Mr. Schluter told me, even though his wife, the third grade teacher, thought I was crazy beyond my years. My eyes always looked like I had just hit-and-run someone.

  “Guilty,” she said. “You always look guilty.”

  “Why should I be a doctor?” I asked Mr. Schluter.

  “So you can come back and help the tribe. So you can heal people.”

  That was the year my father drank a gallon of vodka a day and the same year that my mother started two hundred different quilts but never finished any. They sat in separate, dark places in our HUD house and wept savagely.

  I ran home after school, heard their Indian tears, and looked in the mirror. Doctor Victor, I called myself, invented an education, talked to my reflection. Doctor Victor to the emergency room.

  FIFTH GRADE

  I picked up a basketball for the first time and made my first shot. No. I missed my first shot, missed the basket completely, and the ball landed in the dirt and sawdust, sat there just like I had sat there only minutes before.

  But it felt good, that ball in my hands, all those possibilities and angles. It was mathematics, geometry. It was beautiful.

  At that same moment, my cousin Steven Ford sniffed rubber cement from a paper bag and leaned back on the merry-go-round. His ears rang, his mouth was dry, and everyone seemed so far away.

  But it felt good, that buzz in his head, all those colors and noises. It was chemistry, biology. It was beautiful.

  Oh, do you remember those sweet, almost innocent choices that the Indian boys were forced to make?

  SIXTH GRADE

  Randy, the new Indian kid from the white town of Springdale, got into a fight an hour after he first walked into the reservation school.

  Stevie Flett called him out, called him a squawman, called him a pussy, and called him a punk.

  Randy and Stevie, and the rest of the Indian boys, walked out into the playground.

  “Throw the first punch,” Stevie said as they squared off.

  “No,” Randy said.

  “Throw the first punch,” Stevie said again.

  “No,” Randy said again.

  “Throw the first punch!” Stevie said for the third time, and Randy reared back and pitched a knuckle fastball that broke Stevie’s nose.

  We all stood there in silence, in awe.

  That was Randy, my soon-to-be first and best friend, who taught me the most valuable lesson about living in the white world: Always throw the first punch.

  SEVENTH GRADE

  I leaned through the basement window of the HUD house and kissed the white girl who would later be raped by her foster-parent father, who was also white. They both lived on the reservation, though, and when the headlines and stories filled the papers later, not one word was made of their color.

  Just Indians being Indians, someone must have said somewhere and they were wrong.

  But on the day I leaned through the basement window of the HUD house and kissed the white girl, I felt the good-byes I was saying to my entire tribe. I held my lips tight against her lips, a dry, clumsy, and ultimately stupid kiss.

  But I was saying good-bye to my tribe, to all the Indian girls and women I might have loved, to all the Indian men who might have called me cousin, even brother.

  I kissed that white girl and when I opened my eyes, she was gone from the reservation, and when I opened my eyes, I was gone from the reservation, living in a farm town where a beautiful white girl asked my name.

  “Junior Polatkin,” I said, and she laughed.

  After that, no one spoke to me for another five hundred years.

  EIGHTH GRADE

  At the farm town junior high, in the boys’ bathroom, I could hear voices from the girls’ bathroom, nervous whispers of anorexia and bulimia. I could hear the white girls’ forced vomiting, a sound so familiar and natural to me after years of listening to my father’s hangovers.

  “Give me your lunch if you’re just going to throw it up,” I said to one of those girls once.

  I sat back and watched them grow skinny from self-pity.

  Back on the reservation, my mother stood in line to get us commodities. We carried them home, happy to have food, and opened the canned beef that even the dogs wouldn’t eat.

  But we ate it day after day and grew skinny from self-pity.

  There is more than one way to starve.

  NINTH GRADE

  At the farm town high school dance, after a basketball game in an overheated gym where I had scored twenty-seven points and pulled down thirteen rebounds, I passed out during a slow song.

  As my white friends revived me and prepared to take me to the emergency room where doctors would later diagnose my diabetes, the Chicano teacher ran up to us.

  “Hey,” he said. “What’s that boy been drinking? I know all about these Indian kids. They start drinking real young.”

  Sharing dark skin doesn’t necessarily make two men brothers.

  TENTH GRADE

  I passed the written test easily and nearly flunked the driving, but still received my Washington State driver’s license on the same day that Wally Jim killed himself by driving his car into a pine tree.

  No traces of alcohol in his blood, good job, wife and two kids.

  “Why’d he do it?” asked a white Washington State trooper.

  All the Indians shrugged their shoulders, looked down at the ground.

  “Don’t know,” we all said, but when we look in the mirror, see the history of our tribe in our eyes, taste failure in the tap water, and shake with old tears, we understand completely.

  Believe me, everything looks like a noose if you stare at it long enough.

  ELEVENTH GRADE

  Last night I missed two free throws which would have won the game against the best
team in the state. The farm town high school I play for is nicknamed the “Indians,” and I’m probably the only actual Indian ever to play for a team with such a mascot.

  This morning I pick up the sports page and read the headline: INDIANS LOSE AGAIN.

  Go ahead and tell me none of this is supposed to hurt me very much.

  TWELFTH GRADE

  I walk down the aisle, valedictorian of this farm town high school, and my cap doesn’t fit because I’ve grown my hair longer than it’s ever been. Later, I stand as the school board chairman recites my awards, accomplishments, and scholarships.

  I try to remain stoic for the photographers as I look toward the future.

  Back home on the reservation, my former classmates graduate: a few can’t read, one or two are just given attendance diplomas, most look forward to the parties. The bright students are shaken, frightened, because they don’t know what comes next.

  They smile for the photographer as they look back toward tradition.

  The tribal newspaper runs my photograph and the photograph of my former classmates side by side.

  POSTSCRIPT: CLASS REUNION

  Victor said, “Why should we organize a reservation high school reunion? My graduating class has a reunion every weekend at the Powwow Tavern.”

  THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO FISTFIGHT IN HEAVEN

  TOO HOT TO SLEEP so I walked down to the Third Avenue 7-11 for a Creamsicle and the company of a graveyard-shift cashier. I know that game. I worked graveyard for a Seattle 7-11 and got robbed once too often. The last time the bastard locked me in the cooler. He even took my money and basketball shoes.

  The graveyard-shift worker in the Third Avenue 7-11 looked like they all do. Acne scars and a bad haircut, work pants that showed off his white socks, and those cheap black shoes that have no support. My arches still ache from my year at the Seattle 7-11.

  “Hello,” he asked when I walked into his store. “How you doing?”

  I gave him a half-wave as I headed back to the freezer. He looked me over so he could describe me to the police later. I knew the look. One of my old girlfriends said I started to look at her that way, too. She left me not long after that. No, I left her and don’t blame her for anything. That’s how it happened. When one person starts to look at another like a criminal, then the love is over. It’s logical.

  “I don’t trust you,” she said to me. “You get too angry.”

  She was white and I lived with her in Seattle. Some nights we fought so bad that I would just get in my car and drive all night, only stop to fill up on gas. In fact, I worked the graveyard shift to spend as much time away from her as possible. But I learned all about Seattle that way, driving its back ways and dirty alleys.

  Sometimes, though, I would forget where I was and get lost. I’d drive for hours, searching for something familiar. Seems like I’d spent my whole life that way, looking for anything I recognized. Once, I ended up in a nice residential neighborhood and somebody must have been worried because the police showed up and pulled me over.

  “What are you doing out here?” the police officer asked me as he looked over my license and registration.

  “I’m lost.”

  “Well, where are you supposed to be?” he asked me, and I knew there were plenty of places I wanted to be, but none where I was supposed to be.

  “I got in a fight with my girlfriend,” I said. “I was just driving around, blowing off steam, you know?”

  “Well, you should be more careful where you drive,” the officer said. “You’re making people nervous. You don’t fit the profile of the neighborhood.”

  I wanted to tell him that I didn’t really fit the profile of the country but I knew it would just get me into trouble.

  “Can I help you?” the 7-11 clerk asked me loudly, searching for some response that would reassure him that I wasn’t an armed robber. He knew this dark skin and long, black hair of mine was dangerous. I had potential.

  “Just getting a Creamsicle,” I said after a long interval. It was a sick twist to pull on the guy, but it was late and I was bored. I grabbed my Creamsicle and walked back to the counter slowly, scanned the aisles for effect. I wanted to whistle low and menacingly but I never learned to whistle.

  “Pretty hot out tonight?” he asked, that old rhetorical weather bullshit question designed to put us both at ease.

  “Hot enough to make you go crazy,” I said and smiled. He swallowed hard like a white man does in those situations. I looked him over. Same old green, red, and white 7-11 jacket and thick glasses. But he wasn’t ugly, just misplaced and marked by loneliness. If he wasn’t working there that night, he’d be at home alone, flipping through channels and wishing he could afford HBO or Showtime.

  “Will this be all?” he asked me, in that company effort to make me do some impulse shopping. Like adding a clause onto a treaty. We’ll take Washington and Oregon and you get six pine trees and a brand-new Chrysler Cordoba. I knew how to make and break promises.

  “No,” I said and paused. “Give me a Cherry Slushie, too.”

  “What size?” he asked, relieved.

  “Large,” I said, and he turned his back to me to make the drink. He realized his mistake but it was too late. He stiffened, ready for the gunshot or the blow behind the ear. When it didn’t come, he turned back to me.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “What size did you say?”

  “Small,” I said and changed the story.

  “But I thought you said large.”

  “If you knew I wanted a large, then why did you ask me again?” I asked him and laughed. He looked at me, couldn’t decide if I was giving him serious shit or just goofing. There was something about him I liked, even if it was three in the morning and he was white.

  “Hey,” I said. “Forget the Slushie. What I want to know is if you know all the words to the theme from ‘The Brady Bunch’?”

  He looked at me, confused at first, then laughed.

  “Shit,” he said. “I was hoping you weren’t crazy. You were scaring me.”

  “Well, I’m going to get crazy if you don’t know the words.”

  He laughed loudly then, told me to take the Creamsicle for free. He was the graveyard-shift manager and those little demonstrations of power tickled him. All seventy-five cents of it. I knew how much everything cost.

  “Thanks,” I said to him and walked out the door. I took my time walking home, let the heat of the night melt the Creamsicle all over my hand. At three in the morning I could act just as young as I wanted to act. There was no one around to ask me to grow up.

  In Seattle, I broke lamps. She and I would argue and I’d break a lamp, just pick it up and throw it down. At first she’d buy replacement lamps, expensive and beautiful. But after a while she’d buy lamps from Goodwill or garage sales. Then she just gave up the idea entirely and we’d argue in the dark.

  “You’re just like your brother,” she’d yell. “Drunk all the time and stupid.”

  “My brother don’t drink that much.”

  She and I never tried to hurt each other physically. I did love her, after all, and she loved me. But those arguments were just as damaging as a fist. Words can be like that, you know? Whenever I get into arguments now, I remember her and I also remember Muhammad Ali. He knew the power of his fists but, more importantly, he knew the power of his words, too. Even though he only had an IQ of 80 or so, Ali was a genius. And she was a genius, too. She knew exactly what to say to cause me the most pain.

  But don’t get me wrong. I walked through that relationship with an executioner’s hood. Or more appropriately, with war paint and sharp arrows. She was a kindergarten teacher and I continually insulted her for that.

  “Hey, schoolmarm,” I asked. “Did your kids teach you anything new today?”

  And I always had crazy dreams. I always have had them, but it seemed they became nightmares more often in Seattle.

  In one dream, she was a missionary’s wife and I was a minor war chief. We fell in love
and tried to keep it secret. But the missionary caught us fucking in the barn and shot me. As I lay dying, my tribe learned of the shooting and attacked the whites all across the reservation. I died and my soul drifted above the reservation.

  Disembodied, I could see everything that was happening. Whites killing Indians and Indians killing whites. At first it was small, just my tribe and the few whites who lived there. But my dream grew, intensified. Other tribes arrived on horseback to continue the slaughter of whites, and the United States Cavalry rode into battle.

  The most vivid image of that dream stays with me. Three mounted soldiers played polo with a dead Indian woman’s head. When I first dreamed it, I thought it was just a product of my anger and imagination. But since then, I’ve read similar accounts of that kind of evil in the old West. Even more terrifying, though, is the fact that those kinds of brutal things are happening today in places like El Salvador.

  All I know for sure, though, is that I woke from that dream in terror, packed up all my possessions, and left Seattle in the middle of the night.

  “I love you,” she said as I left her. “And don’t ever come back.”

  I drove through the night, over the Cascades, down into the plains of central Washington, and back home to the Spokane Indian Reservation.

  When I finished the Creamsicle that the 7-11 clerk gave me, I held the wooden stick up into the air and shouted out very loudly. A couple lights flashed on in windows and a police car cruised by me a few minutes later. I waved to the men in blue and they waved back accidentally. When I got home it was still too hot to sleep so I picked up a week-old newspaper from the floor and read.

  There was another civil war, another terrorist bomb exploded, and one more plane crashed and all aboard were presumed dead. The crime rate was rising in every city with populations larger than 100,000, and a farmer in Iowa shot his banker after foreclosure on his 1,000 acres.