The Excess Road

  Chapter Forty-six: Eventuality

  Finals were upon me with a flippant formality. I missed most of my classes and couldn’t think anymore. Isolated and hermetically sealed, I sat in my room in the twilight of half drawn shades. I didn’t play the guitar or think about painting. Time accelerated with numbness until a knock. Elyssa stood at my door.

  The frayed tassels of her jean shorts slipped up and down on her smooth legs as she sat on the end of the bed not even flinching at the pile of dirty clothes below her feet. I spun my ring.

  “Joaquin, you changed. You’re like a stone. You hide away and are so bombed when I see you that you scare me. I want you to be okay,” she says and rubs her knees.

  “I am fine.”

  “If you think you’re fine, you’re more fucked up than you think.”

  “I am fine.”

  “It’s not just about them. Your face is cold and angry all the time.”

  “What the fuck do you care? Sorry, sorry. Just a little surprised to see you. I am fine,” I said.

  “Fine Joaquin. Come see me when you go back to being the guy I first met. I’m probably staying around for graduation at Jill’s so…,” she said and bolted out door.

  I took off my ring and tossed it in the cubbyhole and tore up my take home exams. The world passed over me like the hot, humid air that was scented with red clay. The red dots returned.

  The day came when everyone on my hall would be gone or leaving. Senior week started and Luke popped by my room to tell me to come by his parties if I was around. Most underclassmen were gone and I didn’t get to say anything to Cyrus but I decided to tell James and George that I wasn’t coming back. In the hall I saw, James’s father and he waved. I needed water first so I went back to my room to grab my red cup.

  A timid knock clacked on my door, it was Jack. His face was the color of soggy white bread.

  “Joaquin, I was sent to discuss the problem with your exams,” he said this with his head turned down while rubbing his right thumb across the tips of his fingers.

  “Do not bother. I am not returning so you can be on your way. Oh, thanks for not being a hard-ass. Have a good life,” I said.

  “You’re leaving and you didn’t tell anyone. I’ll tell the administrators but I’m here to tell you something. You failed your exams and therefore your classes. Your professors had a conference and are willing to let you drop the classes and you won’t have to accept the F’s. They won’t go against your record.”

  “It does not matter. I just want to finish packing so if you do not mind? Good bye once again,” I said while I tried to shut the door but he blocked it.

  I was going to crush his foot until he said, “If they let you drop them, they won’t exist, and count against you at another school. They never let you do this.”

  The offer made me rethink my plan.

  “You have a sensible proposition and I thank you for bringing it to my attention. I am willing to accept your offer, but do not tell the profs I am leaving because they may recant. Thank you,” I said and he looked at me as if I just became transparent.

  “I hope you will consider coming back. I’ll tell them to drop the classes and won’t say anything else,” he said.

  He tried to hug me and I put my arms up to block him.

  “Well, have a nice trip. Take care,” he said as I shut the door and I said, “You too.”

  I changed into a baggy t-shirt and realized I was hunched over. My low cut Chuck Taylor’s tracked down the slick hall to James’ room. I knocked twice on his open door and took some skin off my knuckles.

  “Come on in.”

  I tapped the door open with my foot and his room was dismantled, just boxes and trash bags.

  “I see you are ready to jettison out of this place,” I said while he loaded two boxes into the hall.

  “Sure am. This place is vacant,” he said.

  “So when are you leaving?”

  “Now. My pops is loading stuff downstairs right now. Glad you came down. I wasn’t sure if you took off.”

  “I am leaving tomorrow.”

  “I’m out as soon as we get finished loading. Joaquin give me your number in CT and I will give ya mine in Jersey.”

  “Cool, you have paper?”

  “Nah, I packed it”

  “Hold on. I will get some. Do not leave,” I said and rushed to my room and grabbed a blue book and a pen I left out on the desk.

  I got back and James’ father was disappearing down the steps again with another load of James’ monolithic boxes.

  “Here James write the digits down on this pad.”

  “Cool, feel free to call me anytime during the summer. Maybe we could meet up sometime?”

  “Sure man, that sounds all right. Listen, I am coming back next semester. I just wanted to say thanks. We can definitely get together and go conquer the city since only live a few hours away. I just wanted to say adios and anon,” I said.

  He gave me the blue book back after peering at it for a moment.

  “Wait a fucking second. You know you are like the third person I have talked to whose not coming next semester. Shit so many other people are leaving and it would be down right unoriginal of you to copy those people,” he said.

  “Listen man, thanks for trying but I cannot throw down the cards here right now. The deal is wrong. Good bye brother. Not forever, just for now. I have to go see George before he leaves too, but be well and do not work too hard,” I said and went to walk away.

  “George left this morning. I saw him pull away when my father just got here. He didn’t say good bye or anything.”

  “No shit. He said nothing to me. Oh, well.”

  “Take care Joaquin. I’ll see ya,” he said and waved his massive hand.

  I dragged my feet and heard James’ father come up the stairs and they took the rest down to their car.

  I threw George’s number away in my trash. Sitting on the end of my bed I stared at the stacks of boxes and bulging bags of garbage. Emptiness surrounded and filled the atmosphere. An image of Elyssa bending over on my bed and taunting me with her titty test resolved in the emptiness. I blinked and the red dots hovered in front of me and the hand of pressure ground me down to my knees. I propped myself up on my bed and forced a deep breath.

  The attack stalled.

  An epiphany came, every time I thought of Elyssa an attack smacked me. I did not know if I could control myself anymore but if I told Elyssa how I felt about her, maybe I could exorcize the demons. The dense Virginia air drifted through the hall scented with apple blossoms and honeysuckle.