Revived

  And it’s lame.

  We’re sitting with Wade’s girlfriend, Brittney, and his friends Colin and Nate on the top two benches of movable bleachers flanking a community play space. In thin jeans and a short-sleeved T-shirt, I’m warm even though the sun’s almost down.

  “How do you know my boyfriend again?” Brittney asks defensively before sipping something that makes her shudder.

  “Our dads are friends,” Wade answers quickly. He catches my eye and smiles, but underneath I can see a warning: Don’t go there.

  “Oh, right,” Brittney says, tossing her satiny dark hair off her shoulder, hitting me in the face with it in the process.

  Wade and Colin sit in front of Brittney and me. Nate, a little too broody for my taste, is sitting four rows down and to the side, by himself.

  Colin turns to look at me and smiles. Muscular, blond, and blue-eyed, he’s nice-looking, but nothing close to Matt. Colin’s the guy next door you can’t believe lives in your town; Matt’s the one so striking you can’t believe he lives on your planet.

  The obvious way that Colin flirts with me grosses me out a little.

  “I almost didn’t come out tonight,” he says in a low voice that tries too hard. I look over and realize that Brittney and Wade are actually making out. Right next to us. I turn away quickly. “But I’m glad I did,” Colin continues, looking me up and down. “It’s good to meet you.”

  “Thanks,” I say as I inch away from him. I try to look at anything other than the PDA to my right, so I watch Colin take a swig from his cup. I don’t even like the way he drinks.

  Finally, Brittney and Wade come up for air, and though I’m happy that I don’t have to listen to any more smacking, sloppy kisses, the silence is uncomfortable. And frankly, the night is boring so far.

  I consider the blood-red contents of my cup. Mason would call it a cup full of brain damage, but being with Wade and his friends might be doing me more harm than the booze. And Mason’s the one who forced me to come anyway. Shrugging, I down it all in one drink.

  “More?” Brittney asks, seeming to like me a little better now. She holds up a thermos and shakes it a little.

  “Sure,” I say. “Hit me.”

  Who knows how long later, I wake up on foul-smelling carpet in a dark, red-lit room with walls that are oozing bass. I have no idea where I am, and for the first few minutes, I don’t care. I don’t care about anything other than how I feel right now. And how I feel is bad.

  Gutter bad.

  I’m freezing and sweating at the same time. If I could move my limbs, I would cover myself with a blanket. I would cut off my head, it hurts so badly. I would curl up into a ball and die, assuming I haven’t already. I pinch the skin on my bare arm to make sure that I’m alive.

  Then, in flashes, it all starts coming back.

  Running around the soccer field with Brittney.

  Doing a keg stand on a dare from Nate.

  Singing Karaoke—“No Air,” no less—with Colin.

  Cornering Wade on the dance floor to confront him about the program.

  “Why won’t you talk about it?” I slurred. He wiped his face before walking away, and I’m mortified to realize now that I must have spit on him.

  I groan from my place on someone else’s floor. I lick my teeth and they feel furry, coated in sugar and alcohol and something else—maybe hot dogs. I smell puke nearby but don’t want to move to see where it is. Just then, the bass gets really loud, like someone opened the door.

  “I think it’s in here,” a guy’s voice says. “Hang on.”

  Footsteps crunch on the carpet as the guy navigates the tiny room. I hold my breath because I don’t know if I’m supposed to be in here. The boy steps so close to my right hand that my fingers touch his treads. He gasps when he sees me.

  “Holy shit! You scared me!” he says.

  “Sorry,” I mutter. My mouth is dry as dust.

  “What are you doing down there?”

  “Resting,” I say.

  “How long have you been in here?”

  I shrug.

  “Uh… okay. Well, stay as long as you like,” the guy says, inching his way back toward the door. “Or do you want me to call someone?”

  “That’s okay,” I say. “I already called my friend Audrey.”

  I did? I don’t remember talking to her.

  “Oh, good,” the guy says, backing away carefully so as not to step on my listless body. “I’ll have the doorman watch out for your friend. I’ll tell him to tell her where you are.”

  I don’t answer because my eyes are closed.

  Three minutes or three hours later, someone jostles me. I want to protest and roll into a ball and kick them away for disturbing my coma, but my mouth doesn’t work. My body doesn’t work. So, without any say in the matter, I’m carried into the night, tucked into a car, and driven far, far away.

  twelve

  “Daisy? Are you awake?” Mason calls from across the food court at the mall. He’s sitting at a table with Cassie and Nora Fitzgerald, and they’re all staring at me. He knocks twice on the table, like he’s rapping out some kind of code. He knocks a third time, then looks at me expectantly like I’m supposed to know what he’s saying.

  “Daisy?” he calls again.

  Confused, I look across the table. Matt is there.

  “Hey,” he whispers. “Answer him.”

  And then a firm hand on my shoulder pulls me from the dream.

  I open my eyes to a startling but welcome sight: Matt is lying on his side, facing me, in real life. I suck in my breath at the sight of him.

  “Answer your dad,” he whispers calmly. I furrow my eyebrows.

  “Answer him or he’ll want to come in,” Matt explains.

  Getting it, I try to call back, but nothing comes out. I clear my throat, which reminds me of Mr. Jefferson. I wonder if his issue is that he drinks. Finally, I manage to find my voice.

  “I’m awake,” I say loudly, cringing.

  I stare into Matt’s dark eyes; he stares into mine. I’d ask what he’s doing here if words didn’t hurt.

  “Good,” Mason calls back through the wall. “Cassie and I are going to get some eggs at the hotel restaurant before heading to the Zimmermans’. We need to be there at eight. Are you coming?”

  I wonder for a moment if Matt thinks it’s weird that my dad would call my mom “Cassie” instead of “your mother,” but he doesn’t seem to notice. Then my stomach sloshes in a very bad way and I quit wondering.

  “Ask if you can stay here today,” Matt whispers. I nod.

  Concerned about dragon breath, I turn my head away from Matt when I speak.

  “Would it be okay if I hung around here today?” I ask the wall. There’s silence on the other side of the door. “I want to catch up on some reading,” I add, trying to sound normal but feeling anything but. Mason doesn’t answer for a bit, as if he’s considering what I’ve asked. Finally, he says:

  “Stay inside the hotel.”

  “Okay,” I call out. “Thanks.”

  My stomach lurches again and I curl into the fetal position.

  “Are you going to be sick again?” Matt whispers.

  “I don’t know,” I whisper back.

  “We’ll be back at seven,” Mason says through the wall. “We’ll eat together.”

  Wishing Mason would stop talking about food, I gather all my strength to answer, “Okay, sounds good.” My stomach lurches again.

  “Want to go to the bathroom?” Matt says quietly.

  “I don’t want to move,” I whisper. Matt smiles weakly and brushes a piece of hair off my forehead.

  “Then don’t.”

  I gasp awake, heart pounding, eyes wide. Matt’s still here, next to me on the bed. He’s on his back now, staring up at the ceiling. I watch as he turns toward me, concerned.

  “Bad dream?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” I say, because whatever ripped me from slumber is already out of reach. Without moving
to know for sure, I can tell that my body is on the mend. I smack my lips and deeply inhale and exhale.

  “So… I called you last night?” I say.

  Matt rolls to his side again, facing me, smirking. “You drunk texted me.”

  “What did it say?” I ask self-consciously.

  “Something like ‘save me from frat boys,’ ” Matt says. I see a flicker of annoyance in his eyes. Jealousy?

  “What else?”

  “I called you when I got the text and you said you went out with a gay guy named Wade and—”

  “I said Wade was gay?” I interrupt, frowning.

  “Well, you kept saying over and over that he needs to come out of the closet,” Matt replies.

  I laugh in a quick exhale. “I think I meant that about something else…. Anyway, keep going.”

  “Okay, so you gave me this totally cryptic description of where you were,” Matt says. “You said you were at Freckler with the moose.”

  “What does that even mean?” I ask, embarrassed about my weird language and about getting drunk in the first place. It’s not me.

  “Eventually, I figured out that you meant Specter Hall,” he explains. “They have holiday reindeer on their lawn, all lit up and everything. One is really huge and could be mistaken for a moose.”

  “It’s September,” I say.

  “Yes, it is,” Matt says back. “Anyway, that made it easier.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “No worries—it was sort of fun,” Matt says. “I pretended I was on one of those reality challenges… like I only had three hours to get to you or I’d lose out on a million dollars.”

  “Did you win?” I ask.

  “No,” he admits. “But only by fifteen minutes.”

  “I wonder what kind of trouble I was getting in while you were driving from Omaha,” I say.

  “I think you were okay,” Matt says. “I talked to you a couple of times on the way. You were in that red room alone most of the time, except when you were in the bathroom, puking.”

  Half-embarrassed, half-flattered that he took care of me, I keep quiet.

  “You’re lucky your parents got you your own room,” Matt says.

  “Yeah,” I agree weakly.

  “Otherwise, you’d be in it for sure,” he continues. “That was pretty dumb of you, you know. Getting lit with strange guys in a strange city. You could have been…”

  “I know,” I say quietly.

  “Or, hell, even—”

  “I know!” I say louder. “Shut up already!”

  Matt looks at me, surprised, and we both can’t help but laugh a little. Then we grow quiet, staring at each other.

  “Anyway, thank you,” I say.

  “No problem,” Matt says. “But you should really be thanking me for washing barf out of your hair.”

  My eyes widen before I pull the covers over my head and hide. I hear Matt laugh before he pokes me in the arm.

  “I’m ordering food. What sounds good?”

  “A cheeseburger,” I say quickly.

  From my cocoon, I hear Matt call and order two cheeseburgers with fries and sodas.

  “You ordered me regular instead of diet,” I say after he hangs up.

  “So?” he asks. “I know that’s what you drink.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “That’s what you ordered at the movie.”

  My stomach twists into a knot at the simple fact that Matt is paying attention. He yanks the covers off my face.

  “You should probably shower,” he says. “It’ll make you feel better.”

  His face is only inches from mine when he says it, which makes my stomach twist even tighter. We hold each other’s gaze for a moment, then a cleaning person knocks on the door and startles me out of la-la land. I walk on shaky legs to the door and tell her I’m all set with towels, then go to the bathroom to shower, feeling like I’m going to burst the whole time. Despite waking up feeling like hell, the day is turning out okay. Not only did I get out of hanging out with Wade, but Matt is here.

  I can’t deny how much I like him. And if late-night reconnaissance missions and soda orders from memory are any indication, he might like me, too.

  By one in the afternoon, I’m clean, fed, and almost human again. Matt starts a movie and we both sit back against the headboard to watch. I hug a pillow to my torso and try to pay attention during the first five, then ten, then fifteen minutes. But something is gnawing at me.

  “Why hasn’t Audrey called?” I ask, my eyes still on the TV.

  “Shh,” Matt says, waving a hand at me. I’m quiet for five more minutes, all the while wondering if I’ve royally screwed up my friendship with Audrey. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how.

  “Seriously, Matt, is she mad at me or something?”

  “No,” he replies without looking in my direction.

  “How do you know?” I ask.

  “I just know.”

  I try to focus on the characters in the movie, but my thoughts turn to Friday night at the mall. It was only two days ago, but it feels like a lifetime. I think of the ride home, and of Audrey’s distractedness. If she’s not mad at me, then what could it be?

  Then I remember Friday’s barfing taco incident, and the fact that she lied about it. And her raspy breath at the movie. Her sweaty forehead afterward.

  “Is something wrong with Audrey?” I ask, grasping. Matt’s face snaps toward mine.

  “What do you mean?” he asks, more confrontational than questioning. His defensiveness tells me that I’ve hit on something.

  “It’s just that her voice always seems raspy and she gets tired easily and Friday, after the movie, she looked super out of it and…” My voice trails off. It sounds silly when I say it aloud. Except Matt is staring at me as if I just ran over his dog.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask softly. Without thinking too much about it, I reach out and touch my fingertips to his. I’m surprised by my confidence, but I don’t move my fingers from his. Matt turns his head away, but he doesn’t move his fingers, either.

  “I’m not supposed to tell you,” he says flatly.

  “Tell me what?” I ask, annoyed. “It’s so lame when people keep secrets. I—”

  And then he says it.

  “Audrey has cancer.”

  thirteen

  At three o’clock, there’s a note waiting under Mason’s door at the hotel in Kansas City, and Matt and I are more than halfway to Omaha.

  We haven’t spoken for miles, but it’s a comfortable silence, not the kind when you’re scrambling for something to say. I can’t explain how it happened, but sometime between waking up with him in my bed and riding next to him now, my nervousness with Matt has faded. It’s not quite automatic, like it is with Audrey or Megan, but when Matt and I talk, it’s easier. And when we don’t talk, it’s easier then, too. Even though my chest feels full, my knee is still and my breathing is steady. Despite the heavy thoughts in my head, Matt’s presence is making me calm.

  The particular stretch of road we’re on has a funny tread: The sound of the tires against the pavement makes me think of a zipper quickly going up and down, over and over. The strange rhythm lulls me into a zoned-out state where all I can do is listen to my internal dialogue.

  Audrey’s dying.

  She’s really dying.

  I ran off without telling Mason.

  I want to help Audrey.

  There’s nothing I can do about Audrey.

  Wow… it all makes sense. The hurling. Her mom letting her do everything she wants. The sad looks at school.

  Is it terminal?

  It has to be terminal. Yes, Matt’s face says it is.

  I’m going to get in trouble.

  Getting in trouble is insignificant compared to what Audrey’s going through.

  I’ve never been in trouble.

  Stop acting like a child. Audrey’s DYING!

  Yes, but…

  Wow. I have a warped view of
death.

  And finally:

  I want to tell Matt about Revive.

  The last thought startles me. I gasp, but the sound of the road blocks it from Matt’s ears. Never in my life have I dared to consider telling anyone about the program, and yet it would be so easy to open my mouth and let it out right now. I could tell him that I’m not exactly normal when it comes to thoughts on death. I could explain that being part of a program that makes death optional is sort of like wearing a protective suit through life. That it gives me confidence that other kids don’t have. Like when I was younger and I took swimming lessons, I didn’t bawl on the side of the pool like everyone else did because I wasn’t afraid of drowning. Sure, I didn’t want to drown—I knew what it felt like—but there was no finality about it to me.

  Not wanting to die is very different from being paralyzed by the fear of it.

  I could tell Matt how conflicted I feel right now, that I can’t believe my one non-program friend has cancer. That my instinct is to try to save her, but I know it’s futile: Even if Mason agreed to Revive someone outside the program, it doesn’t work on gunshot victims or cancer patients. But maybe…

  My stomach twists tight at the thought of sharing secrets. My mouth dries out as I start to ponder the right words. Matt and I are all alone, with miles to go; I obviously like him and I think he likes me. I could do this. My heart begins to race as I seriously consider…

  BUMP!

  Like it was sent to stop me, the road suddenly mellows to smooth, fresh pavement, and with the noise gone I can hear my conscience. And what it’s saying is that exposing the program is not only wrong—it’s stupid, too. I barely know Matt: How can I trust him with something as monumental as this?

  I’m embarrassed for even thinking about it.

  To distract myself from going there again, I break the silence.

  “Tell me what happened,” I say gently. “How did Audrey find out about her cancer?”

  It’s a minute before Matt responds.

  “Are you sure you want the details?” he asks.

  “I’m sure.”