Sketches New and Old

  HOW THE AUTHOR WAS SOLD IN NEWARK--[Written about 1869.]

  It is seldom pleasant to tell on oneself, but some times it is a sort ofrelief to a man to make a confession. I wish to unburden my mind now,and yet I almost believe that I am moved to do it more because I long tobring censure upon another man than because I desire to pour balm upon mywounded heart. (I don't know what balm is, but I believe it is thecorrect expression to use in this connection--never having seen anybalm.) You may remember that I lectured in Newark lately for the younggentlemen of the-----Society? I did at any rate. During the afternoonof that day I was talking with one of the young gentlemen just referredto, and he said he had an uncle who, from some cause or other, seemed tohave grown permanently bereft of all emotion. And with tears in hiseyes, this young man said, "Oh, if I could only see him laugh once more!Oh, if I could only see him weep!" I was touched. I could neverwithstand distress.

  I said: "Bring him to my lecture. I'll start him for you."

  "Oh, if you could but do it! If you could but do it, all our familywould bless you for evermore--for he is so very dear to us. Oh, mybenefactor, can you make him laugh? can you bring soothing tears to thoseparched orbs?"

  I was profoundly moved. I said: "My son, bring the old party round.I have got some jokes in that lecture that will make him laugh if thereis any laugh in him; and if they miss fire, I have got some others thatwill make him cry or kill him, one or the other." Then the young manblessed me, and wept on my neck, and went after his uncle. He placed himin full view, in the second row of benches, that night, and I began onhim. I tried him with mild jokes, then with severe ones; I dosed himwith bad jokes and riddled him with good ones; I fired old stale jokesinto him, and peppered him fore and aft with red-hot new ones; I warmedup to my work, and assaulted him on the right and left, in front andbehind; I fumed and sweated and charged and ranted till I was hoarse andsick and frantic and furious; but I never moved him once--I never starteda smile or a tear! Never a ghost of a smile, and never a suspicion ofmoisture! I was astounded. I closed the lecture at last with onedespairing shriek--with one wild burst of humor, and hurled a joke ofsupernatural atrocity full at him!

  Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted.

  The president of the society came up and bathed my head with cold water,and said: "What made you carry on so toward the last?"

  I said: "I was trying to make that confounded old fool laugh, in thesecond row."

  And he said: "Well, you were wasting your time, because he is deaf anddumb, and as blind as a badger!"

  Now, was that any way for that old man's nephew to impose on a strangerand orphan like me? I ask you as a man and brother, if that was any wayfor him to do?