Sketches New and Old

  AFTER-DINNER SPEECH

  [AT A FOURTH OF JULY GATHERING, IN LONDON, OF AMERICANS]

  MR. CHAIRMAN AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: I thank you for the complimentwhich has just been tendered me, and to show my appreciation of it I willnot afflict you with many words. It is pleasant to celebrate in thispeaceful way, upon this old mother soil, the anniversary of an experimentwhich was born of war with this same land so long ago, and wrought out toa successful issue by the devotion of our ancestors. It has taken nearlya hundred years to bring the English and Americans into kindly andmutually appreciative relations, but I believe it has been accomplishedat last. It was a great step when the two last misunderstandings weresettled by arbitration instead of cannon. It is another great step whenEngland adopts our sewing-machines without claiming the invention--asusual. It was another when they imported one of our sleeping-cars theother day. And it warmed my heart more than I can tell, yesterday, whenI witnessed the spectacle of an Englishman ordering an American sherrycobbler of his own free will and accord--and not only that but with agreat brain and a level head reminding the barkeeper not to forget thestrawberries. With a common origin, a common language, a commonliterature, a common religion and--common drinks, what is longer needfulto the cementing of the two nations together in a permanent bond ofbrotherhood?

  This is an age of progress, and ours is a progressive land. A great andglorious land, too--a land which has developed a Washington, a Franklin,a William M. Tweed, a Longfellow, a Motley, a Jay Gould, a Samuel C.Pomeroy, a recent Congress which has never had its equal (in somerespects), and a United States Army which conquered sixty Indians ineight months by tiring them out--which is much better than uncivilizedslaughter, God knows. We have a criminal jury system which is superiorto any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficultyof finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.And I may observe that we have an insanity plea that would have savedCain. I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have somelegislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world.

  I refer with effusion to our railway system, which consents to let uslive, though it might do the opposite, being our owners. It onlydestroyed three thousand and seventy lives last year by collisions, andtwenty-seven thousand two hundred and sixty by running over heedless andunnecessary people at crossings. The companies seriously regretted thekilling of these thirty thousand people, and went so far as to pay forsome of them--voluntarily, of course, for the meanest of us would notclaim that we possess a court treacherous enough to enforce a law againsta railway company. But, thank Heaven, the railway companies aregenerally disposed to do the right and kindly thing without compulsion.I know of an instance which greatly touched me at the time. After anaccident the company sent home the remains of a dear distant old relativeof mine in a basket, with the remark, "Please state what figure you holdhim at--and return the basket." Now there couldn't be anythingfriendlier than that.

  But I must not stand here and brag all night. However, you won't mind abody bragging a little about his country on the fourth of July. It is afair and legitimate time to fly the eagle. I will say only one more wordof brag--and a hopeful one. It is this. We have a form of governmentwhich gives each man a fair chance and no favor. With us no individualis born with a right to look down upon his neighbor and hold him incontempt. Let such of us as are not dukes find our consolation in that.And we may find hope for the future in the fact that as unhappy as is thecondition of our political morality to-day, England has risen up out ofa far fouler since the days when Charles I. ennobled courtesans and allpolitical place was a matter of bargain and sale. There is hope for usyet. 1

  1 At least the above is the speech which I was going to make, but our minister, General Schenck, presided, and after the blessing, got up and made a great long inconceivably dull harangue, and wound up by saying that inasmuch as speech-making did not seem to exhilarate the guests much, all further oratory would be dispensed with during the evening, and we could just sit and talk privately to our elbow-neighbors and have a good sociable time. It is known that in consequence of that remark forty-four perfected speeches died in the womb. The depression, the gloom, the solemnity that reigned over the banquet from that time forth will be a lasting memory with many that were there. By that one thoughtless remark General Schenck lost forty-four of the best friends he had in England. More than one said that night, "And this is the sort of person that is sent to represent us in a great sister empire!"