Sketches New and Old

  SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET IN LONDON--[Written about 1872.]

  At the anniversary festival of the Scottish Corporation of London onMonday evening, in response to the toast of "The Ladies," MARK TWAINreplied. The following is his speech as reported in the London Observer:

  I am proud, indeed, of the distinction of being chosen to respond to thisespecial toast, to 'The Ladies,' or to women if you please, for that isthe preferable term, perhaps; it is certainly the older, and thereforethe more entitled to reverence [Laughter.] I have noticed that theBible, with that plain, blunt honesty which is such a conspicuouscharacteristic of the Scriptures, is always particular to never refer toeven the illustrious mother of all mankind herself as a 'lady,' butspeaks of her as a woman. [Laughter.] It is odd, but you will find it isso. I am peculiarly proud of this honor, because I think that the toastto women is one which, by right and by every rule of gallantry, shouldtake precedence of all others--of the army, of the navy, of even royaltyitself--perhaps, though the latter is not necessary in this day and inthis land, for the reason that, tacitly, you do drink a broad generalhealth to all good women when you drink the health of the Queen ofEngland and the Princess of Wales. [Loud cheers.] I have in mind a poemjust now which is familiar to you all, familiar to everybody. And whatan inspiration that was (and how instantly the present toast recalls theverses to all our minds) when the most noble, the most gracious, thepurest, and sweetest of all poets says:

  "Woman! O woman!--er-- Wom--"

  [Laughter.] However, you remember the lines; and you remember howfeelingly, how daintily, how almost imperceptibly the verses raise upbefore you, feature by feature, the ideal of a true and perfect woman;and how, as you contemplate the finished marvel, your homage grows intoworship of the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of merebreath, mere words. And you call to mind now, as I speak, how the poet,with stern fidelity to the history of all humanity, delivers thisbeautiful child of his heart and his brain over to the trials and sorrowsthat must come to all, sooner or later, that abide in the earth, and howthe pathetic story culminates in that apostrophe--so wild, so regretful,so full of mournful retrospection. The lines run thus:

  "Alas!--alas!--a--alas! ----Alas!--------alas!"

  --and so on. [Laughter.] I do not remember the rest; but, takentogether, it seems to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman thathuman genius has ever brought forth--[laughter]--and I feel that if Iwere to talk hours I could not do my great theme completer or moregraceful justice than I have now done in simply quoting that poet'smatchless words. [Renewed laughter.] The phases of the womanly natureare infinite in their variety. Take any type of woman, and you shallfind in it something to respect, something to admire, something to love.And you shall find the whole joining you heart and hand. Who was morepatriotic than Joan of Arc? Who was braver? Who has given us a granderinstance of self-sacrificing devotion? Ah! you remember, you rememberwell, what a throb of pain, what a great tidal wave of grief swept overus all when Joan of Arc fell at Waterloo. [Much laughter.] Who does notsorrow for the loss of Sappho, the sweet singer of Israel? [Laughter.]Who among us does not miss the gentle ministrations, the softeninginfluences, the humble piety of Lucretia Borgia? [Laughter.] Who canjoin in the heartless libel that says woman is extravagant in dress whenhe can look back and call to mind our simple and lowly mother Eve arrayedin her modification of the Highland costume. [Roars of laughter.]Sir, women have been soldiers, women have been painters, women have beenpoets. As long as language lives the name of Cleopatra will live.

  And, not because she conquered George III--[laughter]--but because shewrote those divine lines:--

  "Let dogs delight to bark and bite, For God hath made them so."

  [More laughter.] The story of the world is adorned with the names ofillustrious ones of our own sex--some of them sons of St. Andrew, too--Scott, Bruce, Burns, the warrior Wallace, Ben Nevis--[laughter]--thegifted Ben Lomond, and the great new Scotchman, Ben Disraeli. [Greatlaughter.][1.] Out of the great plains of history tower whole mountainranges of sublime women--the Queen of Sheba, Josephine, Semiramis, SaireyGamp; the list is endless--[laughter]--but I will not call the mightyroll, the names rise up in your own memories at the mere suggestion,luminous with the glory of deeds that cannot die, hallowed by the lovingworship of the good and the true of all epochs and all climes. [Cheers.]Suffice it for our pride and our honor that we in our day have added toit such names as those of Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale.[Cheers.] Woman is all that she should be--gentle, patient, longsuffering, trustful, unselfish, full of generous impulses. It is herblessed mission to comfort the sorrowing, plead for the erring, encouragethe faint of purpose, succor the distressed, uplift the fallen, befriendthe friendless--in a word, afford the healing of her sympathies and a homein her heart for all the bruised and persecuted children of misfortunethat knock at its hospitable door. [Cheers.] And when I say, God blessher, there is none among us who has known the ennobling affection of awife, or the steadfast devotion of a mother, but in his heart will say,Amen! [Loud and prolonged cheering.]

  1.[Mr. Benjamin Disraeli, at that time Prime Minister of England, hadjust been elected Lord Rector of Glasgow University, and had made aspeech which gave rise to a world of discussion.]