Sketches New and Old

  CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS

  Against all chambermaids, of whatsoever age or nationality, I launch thecurse of bachelordom! Because:

  They always put the pillows at the opposite end of the bed from thegas-burner, so that while you read and smoke before sleeping (as is theancient and honored custom of bachelors), you have to hold your bookaloft, in an uncomfortable position, to keep the light from dazzling youreyes.

  When they find the pillows removed to the other end of the bed in themorning, they receive not the suggestion in a friendly spirit; but,glorying in their absolute sovereignty, and unpitying your helplessness,they make the bed just as it was originally, and gloat in secret over thepang their tyranny will cause you.

  Always after that, when they find you have transposed the pillows, theyundo your work, and thus defy and seek to embitter the life that God hasgiven you.

  If they cannot get the light in an inconvenient position any other way,they move the bed.

  If you pull your trunk out six inches from the wall, so that the lid willstay up when you open it, they always shove that trunk back again. Theydo it on purpose.

  If you want the spittoon in a certain spot, where it will be handy, theydon't, and so they move it.

  They always put your other boots into inaccessible places. They chieflyenjoy depositing them as far under the bed as the wall will permit. Itis because this compels you to get down in an undignified attitude andmake wild sweeps for them in the dark with the bootjack, and swear.

  They always put the matchbox in some other place. They hunt up a newplace for it every day, and put up a bottle, or other perishable glassthing, where the box stood before. This is to cause you to break thatglass thing, groping in the dark, and get yourself into trouble.

  They are for ever and ever moving the furniture. When you come in in thenight you can calculate on finding the bureau where the wardrobe was inthe morning. And when you go out in the morning, if you leave theslop-bucket by the door and rocking-chair by the window, when you come inat midnight or thereabout, you will fall over that rocking-chair, and youwill proceed toward the window and sit down in that slop-tub. This willdisgust you. They like that.

  No matter where you put anything, they are not going to let it staythere. They will take it and move it the first chance they get. It istheir nature. And, besides, it gives them pleasure to be mean andcontrary this way. They would die if they couldn't be villains.

  They always save up all the old scraps of printed rubbish you throw onthe floor, and stack them up carefully on the table, and start the firewith your valuable manuscripts. If there is any one particular old scrapthat you are more down on than any other, and which you are graduallywearing your life out trying to get rid of, you may take all the painsyou possibly can in that direction, but it won't be of any use, becausethey will always fetch that old scrap back and put it in the same oldplace again every time. It does them good.

  And they use up more hair-oil than any six men. If charged withpurloining the same, they lie about it. What do they care about ahereafter? Absolutely nothing.

  If you leave the key in the door for convenience' sake, they will carryit down to the office and give it to the clerk. They do this under thevile pretense of trying to protect your property from thieves; butactually they do it because they want to make you tramp back down-stairsafter it when you come home tired, or put you to the trouble of sending awaiter for it, which waiter will expect you to pay him something. Inwhich case I suppose the degraded creatures divide.

  They keep always trying to make your bed before you get up, thusdestroying your rest and inflicting agony upon you; but after you get up,they don't come any more till next day.

  They do all the mean things they can think of, and they do them just outof pure cussedness, and nothing else.

  Chambermaids are dead to every human instinct.

  If I can get a bill through the legislature abolishing chambermaids, Imean to do it.