Sketches New and Old

  HONORED AS A CURIOSITY

  If you get into conversation with a stranger in Honolulu, and experiencethat natural desire to know what sort of ground you are treading on byfinding out what manner of man your stranger is, strike out boldly andaddress him as "Captain." Watch him narrowly, and if you see by hiscountenance that you are on the wrong track, ask him where he preaches.It is a safe bet that he is either a missionary or captain of a whaler.I became personally acquainted with seventy-two captains and ninety-sixmissionaries. The captains and ministers form one-half of thepopulation; the third fourth is composed of common Kanakas and mercantileforeigners and their families; and the final fourth is made up of highofficers of the Hawaiian Government. And there are just about catsenough for three apiece all around.

  A solemn stranger met me in the suburbs one day, and said:

  "Good morning, your reverence. Preach in the stone church yonder, nodoubt!""No, I don't. I'm not a preacher."

  "Really, I beg your pardon, captain. I trust you had a good season. Howmuch oil--"

  "Oil! Why, what do you take me for? I'm not a whaler."

  "Oh! I beg a thousand pardons, your Excellency. Major-General in thehousehold troops, no doubt? Minister of the Interior, likely? Secretaryof War? First Gentleman of the Bedchamber? Commissioner of the Royal--"

  "Stuff, man! I'm not connected in any way with the government."

  "Bless my life! Then who the mischief are you? what the mischief areyou? and how the mischief did you get here? and where in thunder did youcome from?"

  "I'm only a private personage--an unassuming stranger--lately arrivedfrom America."

  "No! Not a missionary! not a whaler! not a member of his Majesty'sgovernment! not even a Secretary of the Navy! Ah! Heaven! it is tooblissful to be true, alas! I do but dream. And yet that noble, honestcountenance--those oblique, ingenuous eyes--that massive head, incapableof--of anything; your hand; give me your hand, bright waif. Excuse thesetears. For sixteen weary years I have yearned for a moment like this,and--"

  Here his feelings were too much for him, and he swooned away. I pitiedthis poor creature from the bottom of my heart. I was deeply moved.I shed a few tears on him, and kissed him for his mother. I then tookwhat small change he had, and "shoved."