By Your Side

  I sat there, on edge, my shake clutched in my hands, waiting for Dax to turn and look. I could wave. He could wave back. That would show me he wasn’t trying to brush me off like it seemed he was the other day on his porch.

  He finally turned, but his eyes just scanned the room, only pausing on me for a second before they moved on. Total brush-off. I sat back in my seat. No wonder he had no friends.

  CHAPTER 25

  “We’re not supposed to dress like the undead for this party, are we?” Morgan asked, holding up several shirts as she looked in the mirror. It was Saturday. Lisa, Avi, and I had arrived at Morgan’s house an hour before and were well into getting ready.

  “I hope not,” I said.

  “It wouldn’t surprise me if Dallin and Zach and the guys did,” Lisa said.

  “You’re right. They so will.”

  I sat on the floor in front of the full-length mirror, applying mascara. It was weird to think that the Saturday before I’d been in the library. It felt like a lifetime ago. I almost wished I were there right now instead of on my way to a party. My head was still throbbing from the basketball game and the hospital the night before.

  “So I call dibs on Wyatt and Sawyer tonight,” Morgan said.

  “You can’t call dibs on two people,” Avi said.

  “I just did.”

  Lisa laughed. “That’s fine with me. There will be plenty of others for us.”

  Morgan gave me a sad face.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’m sorry Jeff won’t be there for you.”

  Jeff. Why were we having a party again? It felt so wrong. “He’ll be better soon enough. Then Dallin will throw another party, I’m sure.”

  “So you like him, then?” Avi asked.

  It took me a second to remember that they didn’t know this. I’d only told Lisa. This was a conversation I had meant to have up at the cabin—me “calling dibs” on Jeff. “I . . . yes. I do.”

  “I thought so. Do you think he likes you back?”

  I thought about his mom calling me his girlfriend, letting me into his hospital room and not Lisa. I screwed the lid back onto my mascara and said, “I think so.”

  She smiled. “I’m glad for you. And him.”

  She squeezed my shoulder and I hoped that meant we were fine, that she was okay with Jeff and me in the future.

  “Is everyone ready?” Morgan asked, pulling her final shirt selection over her head.

  “As I’ll ever be,” I mumbled.

  So far I had managed to maintain my calm. Even in Dallin’s packed house. Beyond packed. There were so many people there that I guessed a lot of them weren’t even from our school. I had apologized five point three times to Dallin’s parents, who had now shut themselves in their bedroom to get away from the noise. I wished there was a bedroom for me to shut myself in.

  Instead, I stood in the corner of the basement, a Dr Pepper in my hand, watching Lisa and Morgan talk to Wyatt and Sawyer by the pool table. This was my kind of fun—observing the party from the sidelines. I wished I had brought my camera.

  Avi sidled up beside me. “You look bored,” she said.

  “No, I’m good. Just taking a breather.”

  “You should get out there and dance or something.”

  “I think I’m good right here,” I said with a smirk.

  “I’m bored too,” she admitted. “Do you know who always made parties more fun?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jeff,” she answered anyway.

  I laughed. “He did.”

  “Do you know what he did at the bonfire on the way up to the cabin?”

  The bonfire that I missed because I was stuck in the library. “What?”

  “He climbed a tree, in the dark, and scared us all.”

  “I thought you were in his car. Didn’t you see him climb it?”

  “No, we were trying to find dry wood to start a fire. And then when everyone got there, Jeff started making strange noises. We thought it was a bear or something. I think even Dallin was scared for a while.”

  I took a sip of my Dr Pepper. “I thought it started snowing right when you got there.”

  She pursed her lips to the side in thought. “It was probably like twenty minutes after we got there.”

  “Oh.” I wouldn’t let that hurt my feelings. With Jeff scaring people and the snow, it was understandable why they might not have noticed I wasn’t there. “I didn’t hear the rest of this story. What happened after that? After you left?”

  “Well, Lisa said you probably went down with Jeff so we should go on without you. I wasn’t sure why you would, but I kind of guessed, you know?”

  I nodded.

  “And then we drove up to the cabin. At like two o’clock in the morning your parents called Lisa asking if you were there. I guess that was right after the police found your stuff in Jeff’s car. They were destroyed.”

  I looked at my feet. I didn’t really need to imagine that part again.

  “The roads were too icy to drive that night, but we left as soon as we could the next morning and spent the next two days searching the river for you.” She grabbed my hand. “It was awful, Autumn.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I know you didn’t want this party but it really was a big deal for all of us. Dallin, Zach, Lisa, Morgan, Connor, and probably a bunch of these people that you don’t even know were out there looking for you.” My hurt feelings morphed into shame. She was right. I was moping in the corner, feeling sorry for myself that my amazing friends wanted to throw me a party, and half these people had been searching the river for me. I needed to find Dallin and tell him thank you.

  Lisa stepped in front of us before I could move. “Two days in a row,” she said.

  “What?” I asked.

  “This is like a record or something.”

  “What are you talking about?” Avi asked.

  “Dax Miller.”

  “He’s here?” Avi asked.

  My heart dropped to my feet.

  Lisa moved to the side and I immediately saw him across the room. It took me several deep breaths to realize he wasn’t alone. A girl I didn’t recognize, with choppy black hair, stood next to him. She was saying something to him and he was leaning close and nodding. His expression didn’t seem hard like it had the last time he was talking to me.

  Lisa lowered her voice as if he could somehow hear her from all the way across the room with the music at full blast. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dax at a party. I wonder what he’s doing here.”

  “Someone probably invited him.” Who, though?

  “Should I tell Dallin to put away any valuables?” Avi asked.

  I gasped and shot her a look.

  “What?” Avi asked. “He’s been in juvie. Who knows what for.”

  I had nearly forgotten how people talked about Dax. It was just talk before I knew him, but now it felt like an attack. “I don’t think he’s ever stolen anything. I thought he was in juvie for beating up someone who totally deserved it.”

  “I heard he beat up some freshman kid for looking at him wrong,” Lisa said.

  “He did not.”

  Lisa nudged me with her elbow. “How do you know? Did you become a Dax expert in the library? Was there a Dax section?” She laughed a little, but when I didn’t join her she stopped suddenly. “Wait . . . did you?”

  “Sort of. I—” The music stopped right in the middle of a song, and silence took over the room.

  Dallin ran down the stairs yelling, “Autumn! Autumn! Has anyone seen Autumn?”

  Lisa took my arm and raised it up in the air. “She’s over here.”

  Dread was slowly pouring down my body from the top of my head, filling in every space down to my toes. “What does he want?” I asked.

  “Who knows? It’s Dallin.”

  That’s what worried me.

  “It’s time for your speech!” he said.

  When he arrived in front of me, I said, “Dallin, you
are awesome, and thank you for this party, seriously. But don’t make me give a speech.”

  He smiled. “That was a good try, but everyone in the room needs to hear that.” Zach was at his side and they muscled me onto their shoulders, the whole time calling out, “Speech! Speech! Speech!”

  I gripped their shoulders, afraid I’d fall off backward if they turned too fast. What Avi had just told me circled in my mind. Be grateful, I told myself. Don’t be a baby. You can handle this. Don’t think about it so much. Just because my mind said it didn’t mean my body listened. My heart immediately jumped into high gear. I needed to say something, anything, so they’d let me down. I swallowed the fire that was burning up my throat and said, “It’s so great not to be dead.” Everyone cheered. “You guys are the best! Now let’s party!” Dallin and Zach bounced me up and down and someone turned the music back on. I closed my eyes. Then finally I felt the floor beneath my feet. I opened my eyes and pushed my way through bodies and hands until I made it upstairs and outside.

  It was freezing, which meant there would only be a few others out there. I walked until I couldn’t see anyone, to the very back of Dallin’s property, behind a shed. I bent over because I thought I was going to be sick, but nothing happened. My forehead was slick with sweat and I wiped it away, then leaned up against the shed. This wasn’t normal—this many episodes so close together. Normally my medicine kept me pretty level. I knew it was the extreme amount of stress I’d been under lately. Something had to give. I needed an outlet.

  CHAPTER 26

  After a while, I’d managed to calm my emotions. I was heading back to the house on somewhat shaky legs when I saw Dax standing on the deck, looking out over the yard.

  I had to walk by him to go in the house, so I put on my best smile and said, “Hi. I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Me neither.”

  I looked around, saw several people from school pretending not to be listening to us. That would probably bother him since apparently he didn’t want people to think he had friends. I gestured for him to follow me and he did. I led him down two hallways and opened the second door on the right. The laundry room. It was empty just like I’d hoped it would be. It was a little cramped, not a great place to escape when I needed an open space, but now it would work, when I just needed privacy. I closed the door behind us.

  “Your friends don’t know, do they?” he asked.

  “That you were in the library with me? No, I never told them.” I knew he thought I was going to tell the whole school, but I’d kept his secret.

  “No. About your anxiety. They don’t know, do they?”

  “Oh.” I looked at my palms. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want them to treat me different.”

  “Why not?” he asked.

  I leaned back against the dryer. “Because I don’t.”

  “Don’t you? It would be way easier than that.” He pointed at the door, and I knew he meant the scene downstairs, with me barely holding it together.

  “No. I know how to manage it.” At least I normally did. Lately I wasn’t so sure.

  He didn’t seem convinced either, which meant I needed to change the subject. “So . . .” I tugged on the front of his flannel. “What are you doing here?”

  “It was the only way out of the house tonight.”

  A hint of disappointment dampened my smile. “Right. Lots of rules at the group home?”

  “So many. It would be your dream come true. Rules posted on every surface.”

  I smiled. “That does sound like perfect order.”

  He laughed, then looked at the closed door behind him.

  “Is she going to get mad that you left her?”

  “Who?” he asked.

  “That girl you came with.”

  “Faye? No. But I’ll have to show her my face soon. I’m sure she’ll be making a report tonight.”

  “What do you mean? Faye makes reports?”

  “She lives at the group home. Mr. Peterson trusts her. She wanted to come here tonight. I needed a change of scenery.”

  “Right.”

  “What about you? They’re throwing a party, so your boyfriend must be doing better.”

  I sighed. “No, he’s not. And he’s not my boyfriend. Maybe he never will be. Maybe he’ll get better and things won’t go back to normal. Maybe he’ll realize that he doesn’t like me at all. That he wants to go live in Alaska or become a circus performer. Maybe he’ll want to be free. Like you.”

  Dax didn’t respond to anything I’d said, just thoughtfully nodded. His relaxed attitude unwound my tension. I matched him breath for breath until my mind was clear again.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and I wondered if Lisa was looking for me. I pulled it out and read the text. It was from Jeff’s mom.

  Jeff opened his eyes.

  My chest expanded with joy.

  “What?” Dax asked.

  People started yelling the news down the hallway outside our door. Dallin must’ve gotten the text too.

  “Jeff?” Dax asked.

  “Yes, he opened his eyes.”

  “That’s great.”

  I clasped my hands together, and Dax’s eyes caught on the hot pink bracelet on my wrist. With his long-sleeved shirt on, I couldn’t tell if he was wearing his. I dropped my hands and said, “Yes, it is. Guess I’ll be at the hospital again this week, finding out if he wants to be a circus performer or . . .” I almost finished that sentence with the words my boyfriend but for some reason I couldn’t. Not with Dax staring at me like that.

  He nodded. “I better go.”

  “Dax,” I called just as he grabbed hold of the doorknob. He looked back at me.

  Can I tell my friends we know each other? That we’re friends? Are you keeping me a secret for some reason? “I’ll see you Monday,” were the final words my chicken brain settled on.

  He left and I leaned back against the dryer and groaned. The library had been so much less complicated. I straightened up, shook out my hands, and opened the door as well. I nearly ran over Dallin, who was walking down the hall.

  “Hey,” I said.

  Dallin squinted his eyes and I wasn’t sure if that meant he had seen Dax leave seconds before me or if he was just curious as to why I was exiting his laundry room. Either way he didn’t comment on it, instead saying, “I’ve been looking for you. I thought you left.”

  Lisa appeared from behind him. “Me too.”

  “Here I am.”

  “Did you hear the news about Jeff?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Cool. We’re all going to the hospital tomorrow.”

  “All of us?” I asked, spinning my finger in the air to circle his entire house.

  “Well, no, not all of us. Just us. His close friends. You, Avi, Morgan, Zach, Connor.”

  “Me,” Lisa said.

  “Is he out of the ICU now?” If he was, I hadn’t gotten that text.

  “Nope. We’re going to fill the waiting room with friend energy,” Lisa said.

  “You in?” Dallin asked.

  “Yes. I’ll be there.”

  CHAPTER 27

  We arrived at the hospital Sunday evening ready to take over the waiting room with our magic friend power.

  “Dallin parked on that row,” Lisa said, pointing two rows up from where I was turning in to find a spot.

  “I saw an open space over here.” I pulled in and turned off the car. “Are we about to overwhelm Mrs. Matson with seven of us showing up at the same time?”

  She shrugged. “I hope not. But she’s probably bored, don’t you think? She sits in a waiting room all day.”

  “True.”

  When we climbed out of the car, the others were walking toward us. Dallin was carrying a baseball bat.

  “Are you planning to beat someone?” I asked.

  “Jeff needs some inspiration. He has six weeks before our first game.” Dallin swung the bat like a ball had just been p
itched to him.

  “You’re giving him a visual timeline?” I asked.

  “Yes, yes, I am.” He poked me in the stomach with the end of his bat. “I know how Jeff works. It will be motivating.”

  Lisa stole the bat from him and carried it over her shoulder as we walked into the hospital. Like always, tension spread across my shoulders the second I was inside. Maybe it was the hospital smell. I couldn’t wait until Jeff was out of here.

  Mrs. Matson’s hands went to her mouth when she saw us, letting out a small squeal. “You’re here! You’re all here.”

  “We got your text yesterday,” Dallin said, “and just wanted to come congratulate you and leave a gift for Jeff.”

  He held out the bat. Much like when I had held out the flowers, she squished Dallin into a hug, the bat between them. “Thank you, thank you,” she said. When she pulled back she laid the bat on the table with the various other items she had there. “I’ll put this in his room when they move him downstairs.”

  “Are they moving him out of the ICU?” I asked.

  “Maybe. Hopefully. He opened his eyes but still hasn’t said anything, so we’ll see.” She smiled and grabbed my hand, holding it between both of hers. “Oh, Autumn, I’m so glad you’re here. Let me go check and see if the nurse is done drawing blood, and you can come see him, hon. Maybe you’ll be our good luck charm again.” With that, she left me alone with six sets of eyes on me.

  Dallin was the first to speak. “Wait. Have you actually seen him?”

  Lisa put her arm around my shoulder. “Don’t you know that Autumn is his cousin?”

  “Since when?” Dallin asked.

  “Since his mom declared it,” she said.

  “Why you?”

  “Because he . . .” I couldn’t finish that sentence out loud. Dallin was Jeff’s best friend. His very best friend. If he was asking that question, maybe I didn’t have as much reason to believe Jeff and I were a possibility as I thought. “I don’t know. I’m sorry,” I finished.

  Morgan picked up the bat off the table and held it out to Dallin. “Maybe you need to smash your way in there.”

  I appreciated her effort to break the ice but it didn’t work. Dallin was hurt; I could tell even though he tried to play it off otherwise. “Not a big deal. I guess it’s good that one of us has talked to him.” He sank into the nearest chair and spun an empty Coke bottle on the table in front of him. “Anyone up for a game of spin the bottle?”