Off-Worlders

  Epiphany

  "A man stops his car outside of a hotel and immediately realizes he's bankrupt."

  "Goddamn it!" She crumpled her beer can in frustration.

  "Do you give up? Do you give up!"

  "Yes, I give up! Just put me out of my misery and tell me!"

  "Monopoly! It's Monopoly, you goose!"

  Ear piercing guffaws from her partner.

  She threw the crumpled beer can at her. Goddamn lateral thinking games. Jess delighted in torturing her with them on every goddamn stake out.

  How the hell could she lateral think when that gnome in the corner kept peeping out from around the dumpster and winking at her? Wearily, she rubbed her forehead. Note to self, Woman stops car in alleyway. Is subjected to one too many lateral thinking games by evil partner. Sees gnomes. Plots to kill evil partner.

  There was definitely something in that one.

  Fresh air.

  She needed fresh air.

  "I'm just gonna grab some air."

  No response.

  A snore.

  A peaceful snore.

  She didn't bother to look. Jess had done her miraculous schizo leap from hyper to hibernation. But hey, 10 bad beers and boredom will do that to a girl.

  10:00PM.

  And no sign of life from the windows three floors up. All was in blackness, just as it had been three hours earlier when they'd arrived on the job.

  Apartment 3E. They'd bugged this place a month back at least. And then nothing, until now. Now, what though? It's not like they were high enough on the food chain to listen to the goodies their bugs were bringing in. And Chico wouldn't tell them anything. Just wanted them to watch and take note of any coming and goings.

  From the alley!

  He'd been most insistent they stay in the alley. And preferably not even move from the car.

  Dullsville. So far tonight there hadn't been a helluva lot of action round the back entrance to Edgeview Heights. But hey, Chico was the boss. And if it made him feel better to keep them in the dark, and watch for comings and going from Apartment 3E from the most illogical vantage point on offer, so be it!

  A girl could do a lot worse than earn the sort of cash they did from the crazy-assed assignments Chico sent their way.

  She turned up the volume on the receiver to max, so that the merest murmur from CCC - Chico Command Central - would be transmitted loud and clear to sleeping beauty. Jess was cool like that. She could filter the irrelevant in her sleep. If something happened worth worrying about, she'd be hardcore awake in about three-seconds.

  Epiphany got out of the car and stretched luxuriously. The black cat suit she'd chosen for this evening's shenanigans was almost sensible. Her Walter Steigers however, were at least ten blocks from the nearest sign pointing the way to the domain of the sensible.

  She decided to take a little look-see down the end of the alley, which was hidden in deep shadows.

  She steadfastly ignored the gnome, as she walked past him, and the dumpster.

  Click clack.

  Click clack.

  Something crashed loudly, concealed from sight in the shadows she was fast approaching. A curse followed, dispelling any cat, rat and garbage can scenarios she might have been hoping for.

  "Who's there!" She had her gun aimed and herself positioned defensively behind the dumpster, in an amazingly quick time.

  "You move fast for a Walter Steiger shod, cat suited, beer drinking woman." It was the gnome. He winked at her conspiratorially.

  "Shut up!" she hissed at him.

  She re-focussed her attention on the shadows. But there were no more crashes and curses. Silence and shadows. Not even a flinch of movement.

  "Come on buddy. I got you covered here. Come on out, and let's do this the nice friendly way."

  More silence.

  The gnome sighed pointedly and studied his fingernails. Which were pretty gross actually. Yellowish, long, pointed. And not all that on the clean side.

  All silence. Well, apart from the gnome sighs.

  "He's gone, you know." The gnome spoke slowly, with more than a little condescension in his tone.

  "Oh, well, Duh!" Epiphany was not feeling in the most gracious of moods. She straightened up slowly, her gun still aimed.

  The gnome pursed his lips at her in disapproval. "You're not very nice at all, are you? Quick, and stylishly attired, I'll give you. But nice? No, not so much at all."

  She opened her mouth to retort, but he cut her off abruptly.

  "A very rude little god-prayer indeed!"

  "I am not!"

  "Oh, yes you are. You're quite the rudest little thing in heels I've come across in a long time."

  "Listen, short guy, I am neither little - she really wasn't, especially in comparison to the four foot gnome - nor a "god-prayer." I think your born again radar may be slightly out of whack there, buddy."

  "Well, for someone who professes not to be a god-prayer, your everyday language use revolves rather passionately around them. You don't even pick one or call them by name!" The look he threw her was most accusatory.

  "You are one weird gnome. And you don't know anything about my everyday language use. Do you?" Had this strange little creature been spying on her?

  "I am not a gnome!" The look and hiss he threw her way were fearsome, and she recoiled in spite of herself.

  He tossed his head proudly, and in a much calmer tone proclaimed, "I am not a gnome. I am an alley troll."

  "An alley troll?"

  "Yes, an alley troll."

  "What the hell is an alley troll?"

  "A being far superior to a gnome!" he snapped at her.

  He looked up into the night sky as if doing some god-praying of his own, and then turned to her, "I am Klaus."

  "Epiphany. Charmed I'm sure." She was finding it hard to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. But that was nothing new. Didn't really take a psychotic alley troll with delusions of grandeur to bring out that particular personality trait.

  "And?" Klaus raised one expectant eyebrow at her.

  "And what?" She managed to keep most of the edge out of her voice, but couldn't quite stop the involuntary tapping of one impatient foot.

  "No apology, no Tour!" He glowered at her. Apparently alley trolls could be a little short on patience too.

  "What tour?"

  "The. Tour." The alley troll stretched out the words. And then his shoulders slumped and he looked crestfallen.

  Epiphany felt bad, which in turn made her uncomfortable.Which made her want to exist the entire situation, STAT.

  "Listen Klaus, I am on a very important assignment right now. I certainly don't have time for, nor do I even remotely want, any tour, of any kind, of this stinking alley. Now, as long as you, and your little shadow friend, don't give me any grief, I'll leave you to your entertainments."

  She turned on her heel and made her way back towards the car.

  "What do I have to do to get you people to see what's before your very eyes! Bah!"

  Whoosh!

  Something small whizzed neatly past her left ear.

  Ok, so the alley troll was a little grumpy, but she was extremely, extremely annoyed now.

  "What is your problem, troll boy! Oh!" She'd turned to face him off in the distance and nearly fallen over the little guy. He was right behind her, and he was brandishing what looked like some sort of weird-assed slingshot.

  "Come with me!"

  It was not an invitation.

  "Listen, Klaus. A word of advice from me to you. When you're attempting to threaten a woman, armed with a gun, and trained to hurt people in lots of ways, try to have a little more than kiddy toys in your arsenal. Now, just put your little slingshot away, and I'll forget this unfortunate lapse of judgement on your behalf, ever happened."

  Silence.

  A tense stand off.

  "Wahh, Wahh, Wahh! Wahh, Wahh, Wahh!"

  "Oh Jeez." The little psycho had fully started to cry! And for all her hard-as
s attitude she was a sucker for tears.

  Very awkwardly she patted his back. "Hey, come on little guy, chill. It'll be Ok. Come on, come sit down over here and tell me all about it."

  Sniffle snuffle.

  Click clack.

  Looking extremely injured and self pitying, and not at all like a psychotic, sling shot wielding alley troll, he allowed himself to be led to an old, overturned crate. He sniffled and snuffled some more, sighed deeply, and then launched into his tale of woe.

  "I am the Bridge Keeper here. And I have been the Bridge Keeper here for 179 years. Can you imagine that! 179 years in this stinking alley!"

  He was not a happy troll.

  "I used to be Master of the hardest of the Crossings in my time."

  "The Crossings?"

  "Yes, the Crossings! Not like your petty comings and goings from A to B. The great Crossings between the worlds."

  Epiphany raised one skeptical eyebrow, but he pursed his lips knowingly, and continued his tale with vehemence.

  "But then suddenly, no-one was interested in the Crossings anymore. Oh, there always were, and still are, the occasional few who seek to cross, but not enough to make a living out of. And so we were forced to the Centauri Dimension to work ordinary jobs. Industry fodder!"

  He sniffled. "Which is terrible for a troll. But as the years passed, many grew happy with their new lives. But not I. I could never be satisfied like that."

  He paused, and his eyes grew large and his voice awed. "And then they came for me. Came for me and told me they had a great new job for me here. That a bridge had opened between the lost city and this world. Wanted me to man it. Said once word got out, people would be streaming across it."

  He fixed her with a stare and his gaze was flinty. "But do you know how many have crossed in 179 years?" He was getting really fired up again now. "Three! Can you believe it! THREE!"

  "Ok, chill little guy, and let me get my head around this. You're telling me you can like fully beam me up Scotty people around the place at will?"

  The troll looked at her in excitement. "No, I'm not talking about anything like a Transporter. But are you a fan? I have every series and…"

  "Whoa, troll boy! Just tell me your deal in all of this." Goddamn Trekkies were everywhere. Your only hope was to be firm and head them off at the pass.

  Otherwise you could be there for hours.

  That had been a close one.

  Klaus sighed with more disappointment and then continued.

  "The bridges I work with are very specific. The bridge here is only from this alley to the lost city, and from the lost city back to here."

  Two way traffic. She could cope with that concept.

  But then he continued.

  "The bridges exist between worlds whose belief paradigms are at a similar development phase, and are therefore oscillating at similar energy vibrations. In the same portals."

  He looked at her appraisingly.

  Blinking. She was blinking very rapidly.

  Abort, Fail, Retry?

  Against her better judgement, she decided to go for Retry.

  And start with something simple.

  "Ok, so, what is this lost city? And, like, who lost it? Us? Or some other planet in the same portal thingy?"

  "Worlds are not planets." There was just the slightest hint of impatience in the troll's voice. "The world of the lost city exists on many different planets as well as this one. Just as many different worlds coexist here."

  "And elsewhere."

  "At the same time."

  He just had to add that last bit, didn't he. Epiphany shook her head, which was kinda hurting. "Ok, little guy, now you've well and truly lost me. And, I gotta say, I'm pretty happy to stay lost, at this particular point in time."

  "Is Ok!" The troll was suddenly beaming and on his feet. "Better to show you!"

  "Oh, no," she began. "They'll be no showing of anything..."

  The look on his face stopped her flow of words.

  The little guy was suddenly very still, staring at her.

  The alley went dark. As in that complete inky blackness you only get in those way out in the country, night skies.

  "Hey!" She spun around, trying to find a direction with at least a faint glimmer of light in it. "Hey! "Klaus!"

  She sensed something approach her in the darkness. There was the scrape of brick on metal.

  Clank.

  Boom.

  Thud.

  The thud was her. Hitting the ground rather suddenly after her Walter Steigers made steady contact with a good five feet of air.

  "Goddamn it!" She was going to kill that treacherous little troll.

  The earth span.

  Then it somersaulted.

  She closed her eyes and expected the worst.

  But then all was calm.

  She seemed almost to be floating in a gentle, downwards, spiral.

  Whoosh!

  Ok, so now it was not so gentle. In fact not gentle at all, would be a far more apt description. She was hurtling and spiraling at phenomenal speed. She felt her stomach check out the view from her mouth more than once. Fortunately she was highly skilled in vomit control.

  And then suddenly, all was calm again.

  She could hear the sound of gently lapping water.

  She prayed she was nowhere in the vicinity of sewers.

  "Oh!" The incredible aqua eyes, which were suddenly very close and very intense, made her jump.

  "Welcome."

  "Uh, hey there."

  "Congratulations. You have made The Crossing. Come this way, please."

  "Uh, Crossing, Ok." She took off after him, trying her best to keep up on very uneven ground in totally inappropriate shoes.

  "One dead treacherous little troll," she muttered under her breath.

  "Um, hey! You mind telling me where we're going?"

  He smiled at her as she caught up to him and stumbled awkwardly into his arms.

  He helped her into the boat. Wait, they were going on a boat now? She gripped the sides and looked around frantically, but it was like everything was misted over and unclear.

  "To the island," he said. As if this explained everything.

  "Oh," she said feebly.

  She should have been freaking out. In a controlled, trained, focused, sort of way of course. But those eyes. They were just fire-lit.

  How did she get here again?

  She tried the good old trick of shaking her brain around in her head.

  It didn't work of course, but the familiarity of the pointless action was comforting.

  He began to row.

  "We are so pleased you could take the time to come. Our belief paradigm is slipping out of the portal with your world. You will be the last to use this particular bridge crossing."

  She thought suddenly of Klaus. "What'll happen to the little guy?"

  "He will be well looked after," her aqua eyed host replied, smiling serenely. "He is the most gifted of his kind. If not a little temperamental," he added thoughtfully.

  And then his face lit up again. "He will adore his new home. We have been trying to reach this portal for many thousands of years. There are many bridges to other magnificent and advanced worlds there."

  "But not to earth?"

  "No. Not to your world. Not at this time."

  "Why not?" She couldn't keep a little self righteous indignation out of her voice. I mean, Ok, we had some bad shit going down in more places than we should. We were a little bit on the rife side with greed wars, racism, bigotry and social injustice, but there was a whole other 10? Ok, maybe 9%, that was going down here.

  “NAMSEs.” He actually shuddered as he said it.

  "Sorry, what?"

  "Mmm," he nodded in affirmation. "It's definitely the NAMSEs.”

  “What are Namses?” She was thoroughly perplexed.

  “My apologies. Acronym. New Age Movement Spiritual Elite,” he replied. “NAMSE’s.”

  “Ha! That’s kind of
funny,” Epiphany smiled, thinking Jess was going to like that one.

  “Selfies," he continued thoughtfully. "The endless pictures of first world meals - excitedly taken by the first world. Morons who talk through movies. The babies and children who may as well be on permanent social media time lapse photography there’s so many photos of them splashed about all over the place.”

  “Oh.” Epiphany didn’t know what else to say. He was really on a roll now. And he hadn’t even gotten to vegans or cross-fit junkies.

  Although he probably figured he’d covered the vegans in the spiritual elite bit.

  “You’re not doing that yet, are you?” He asked her sharply.

  “Uh, sorry, doing what?”

  “Putting the babies and children on permanent social media time lapse photography.”

  “Oh! Oh, no.” Epiphany screwed up her face. “Well, not that I know of.” Come to think of it, she had been wondering if it was actually physically possible to take the amount of rugrat photographs some of her breeding friends did in the space of 24 hours. God, they wouldn’t would they?

  “And, then there’s... well, I don’t really have to say, do I?”

  “What? What else is there?” she demanded.

  “Hipsters,” he breathed, with a level of horror normally reserved for the likes of Michael Myers from Halloween.

  Or a random outbreak of plague.

  And he even made a little cutting motion with his hand across his throat as he said it.

  He sat back and shrugged his shoulders at her. The expression on his face said everything.

  ”Freaking hipsters," she muttered under her breath. "Ruining everything."

  Then, she bristled.

  "What about all the good things?" she blurted. "The great things? We have great things! Human triumph! Mother Teresa! Art! Literature! The Delhi Lama!"

  She paused for breath, and then continued passionately.

  "The Olympics! What about the goddamn Olympics!" Surely all these wondrous worlds could set aside their reservations about some dumb as a box of rocks hipsters for a bit of Olympic action!

  He shrugged apologetically. "It is not my decision." He leaned forward and whispered as if afraid someone would overhear. “Those media whores with pimp-momagers and instagram addictions haven’t done you any favors either.” He leaned back. "Just saying."

  Epiphany sighed heavily and followed his lead, by leaning back and keeping her mouth shut on the last example he’d raised. It would do no good to invoke the wrath of the pimp-momagers on these folk. One of them, in particular, was scarily omnipresent. And who knew if her dark reach extended this far?

  "Ah, but here we are!" He distracted her with those fire-lit aqua eyes again and beamed as he gestured around him. "We have reached the island."

  Epiphany turned to take it in.

  It was breathtaking.

  "Oh wow. Oh. Wow! This is awesome!"

  He smiled. "Yes, we've put a lot of time and effort into the rebuilding while we've been here, and we're really pleased with the result."

  He took her hands in both of his, and she almost swooned under his gaze.

  "But now it is time for you to return. Take care, Epiphany Zen."

  Whoosh!

  Somersault.

  Spin.

  Thud.

  The scrape of brick on metal.

  Clank.

  Boom.

  She sat a long time in the alley. It was dark and empty and silent. Which was good. It took her awhile to get her bearings back. She was sad not to see any sign of Klaus. She would have liked to thank him.

  When she opened the car door, Jess yawned and stretched her arms wide.

  She was unaware of anything that had transpired. And in fact seemed to be missing the last few minutes of their most recent interaction.

  "Hey, a man stops his car outside of a hotel and immediately realizes he's bankrupt." She winked at Epiphany. "Do you know what it is?"

  "Yeah, it's a game."

  "Oh, you know already." Jess pouted and straightened in her seat. "But do you know what game?" She asked triumphantly.

  "Yeah," Epiphany laughed. She laughed until the tears ran down her face and Jess was staring at her like she was a crazy person.

  "Jess, oh Jess, you and your goddamn lateral thinking games." She smiled as she put the car in gear. "A man stops his car outside of a hotel and immediately realises he's bankrupt." She shook her head at the wonder of it. "Do you get it, Jess? Do you get the real answer? No, it's not Monopoly. You did it. You opened the alley portal. You made it possible."

  "E, are you Ok?" Jess was looking really worried now. "Because the answer really is Monopoly."

  "It certainly is. But not the board game," Epiphany replied, and then she was laughing uncontrollably again as she gunned the car away from the curb.