Coronado: Stories

  BOBBY Beats me.

  BOBBY’S FATHER The memory, right.

  BOBBY It’s a tricky thing.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Sure, sure. Common problem—people misplacing a three-million-dollar diamond.

  BOBBY You misplaced a wife.

  BOBBY’S FATHER She misplaced me. Then she died.

  BOBBY The two events entirely unrelated I’m sure.

  [BOBBY’S FATHER reaches out and grips BOBBY’S ear.]

  BOBBY’S FATHER We’re not going to have this conversation again. Hear? Now where’s the fucking diamond?

  [Beat.]

  You think blood’ll save you?

  BOBBY Who’s it ever saved?

  BOBBY’S FATHER Oh, well, now…a lot of shitty princes, a few useless princesses would have been ass-fucked and toothless ’fore they were twelve else-wise.

  BOBBY Outside of royalty. Who’s it ever saved, Daddy? You?

  BOBBY’S FATHER Your ear’s getting all sweaty.

  BOBBY Give it back.

  BOBBY’S FATHER But it’s mine.

  BOBBY We’ll call it a loan.

  [BOBBY’S FATHER smiles, lets go of his ear.]

  Scene 9

  DOCTOR and PATIENT.

  DOCTOR You lied to me.

  PATIENT You fucked me.

  DOCTOR We fucked. Let’s be plain. Okay? Let’s be plain. We fucked. Once. A mistake I’ve admitted to repeatedly. I then referred you to another psychiatrist who specializes in the very same.

  PATIENT The very same.

  DOCTOR Patients who have developed sexual and/or emotional attachments to their therapists.

  PATIENT And/or?

  DOCTOR Look—Grace or no Grace—we fucked.

  PATIENT Let’s be plain—you fucked me.

  DOCTOR We fucked.

  PATIENT You fucked me.

  DOCTOR We fucked.

  PATIENT I know you are, but what am I?

  DOCTOR I—

  PATIENT What?

  DOCTOR I—

  PATIENT What?

  DOCTOR You shouldn’t have told me you abetted in a murder, Grace.

  PATIENT That’s your out? You slid your dick up and down and up and down and up—

  DOCTOR I know, I know.

  PATIENT —and down my clitoris. You remember that? And that was before you entered me. That was before.

  DOCTOR I know. But.

  PATIENT “But.” Christ, you worked it like a wand and I came—

  DOCTOR Stop.

  PATIENT —twice—twice—before you even entered me. So, I dunno, what was that on your part? Confusion?

  DOCTOR You told me, you told me…

  PATIENT What’d I tell you?

  DOCTOR You told me—after—as we were lying together, and only then, that you’d helped someone commit murder. Nine months of therapy? Not a fucking word.

  PATIENT Sure, but I’d never had your cock in my mouth before.

  DOCTOR What—what—what does that have to do with anything?

  PATIENT You ever had a cock in your mouth, Stephen?

  DOCTOR No.

  PATIENT Well, then…

  DOCTOR You abetted murder. That’s a capital crime.

  PATIENT I’ve done worse.

  DOCTOR You’ve…?

  PATIENT I’ll bet there’re people everywhere—right now, right here in this bar tonight—who’ve done a whole lot fucking worse.

  Scene 10

  WILL, in a booth, chats up the WAITRESS.

  WILL I have no idea. Really.

  WAITRESS Well, he gave me the ring.

  WILL Sure.

  WAITRESS But he said hang it around my neck.

  WILL Exactly.

  WAITRESS From a chain.

  WILL And that’s not the same.

  WAITRESS You don’t think?

  WILL You don’t.

  WAITRESS No, I don’t. You’re right.

  WILL I mean, I dunno. It could mean something real significant for him. But guys, you know?

  WAITRESS Exactly. Guys. But you’re a guy.

  WILL Well, okay, I guess. I’m a—

  WAITRESS Right. You’re a man.

  WILL I try.

  WAITRESS I was so sorry to hear about…

  WILL I know, right? Jesus. Who would have thought? I mean, you think of all the ways you could go…

  WAITRESS A train?

  WILL A train. You believe that shit?

  WAITRESS I’ve passed out in some weird places, though, so there but for the grace of god, I guess.

  WILL That’s the thing of it, though. What’s he doing down by the fairgrounds that time of night?

  WAITRESS It bugs you, huh?

  WILL And then to just stroll over to the train tracks and take a nap? Johnny Law accepts it, but it fucking pisses me off.

  WAITRESS You think…? No.

  WILL And he’s…I want all the T’s crossed and all the I’s dotted. You think that’s too much to ask?

  WAITRESS No, no. And now she’s…

  WILL What?

  WAITRESS Well, you know, the timing. They’d been planning it for so long and then it finally happens and he…

  WILL Dies.

  WAITRESS Oh god. What is she going to do?

  WILL I’ll look after her. A man who wouldn’t in these circumstances?

  WAITRESS I know. I know.

  [Notices GINA returning from the bathroom.] You want another round, Will?

  WILL Sure.

  WAITRESS Should she be…?

  WILL I dunno. But she is. Okay?

  WAITRESS Of course.

  [The WAITRESS waves her fingers at GINA and heads to the bar. GINA approaches the booth and she’s obviously pregnant. She sits.]

  GINA Flirting?

  WILL No.

  GINA I heard she’s a hermaphrodite.

  WILL Hey, can you be gay and a hermaphrodite at the same time? Is that physically and emotionally and, well, gender-ly possible?

  GINA It’s a question.

  WILL Hell of a question, I think.

  GINA Were you flirting with her?

  WILL Absolutely.

  GINA Really.

  WILL Can’t flirt with you, can I? Bar’s got eyes, babe.

  [The WAITRESS returns with their drinks, places them down.]

  WAITRESS You feeling okay, honey?

  GINA Phenomenal.

  [The WAITRESS shoots WILL a look and then departs.]

  WILL It’s all okay.

  GINA No.

  WILL It is.

  GINA I don’t think so.

  WILL What’s different?

  GINA There’s one less person in this booth for starters.

  WILL Yeah, I miss those jokes. You?

  GINA Don’t do funny on this, okay? He’s dead, Will.

  WILL Yes, he is.

  GINA And it doesn’t seem to trouble you.

  WILL No, Gina, it doesn’t.

  GINA How is that possible?

  WILL Eight hours sleep, proper diet?

  GINA You’re clever. Clever and pretty-mouthed. Clever ain’t enough.

  WILL You looked around? This is one dumb-ass county, honey. You want me to feel bad because Hal is dead. You want me to feel fear that we’ll be caught. You want remorse. Doubt. I don’t got any of that. Oops.

  GINA Bastard.

  WILL I want to reach out and hold your hands but I can’t because everyone’s watching. That hurts. Everything else, though? He’s dead. He’s gone. I can live with it.

  GINA You’re energized by it. Reborn.

  WILL I’m born.

  GINA I’m nauseous.

  WILL Let’s—

  GINA In the existential sense.

  WILL I still can’t believe they taught Sartre at community college.

  GINA He’s dead.

  WILL Yup.

  GINA Because of us.

  WILL Yup.

  GINA What will God say?

  WILL “Welcome to the club, don’t park on the lawn.”

  GINA Fuck you.


  WILL What’s God going to say? “Gee, I was busy killing Indonesians in an earthquake and I hip-checked a few hundred thousand Africans with a sneak famine, but allow me to punish you for Hal.”

  GINA You really don’t.

  WILL Don’t what?

  GINA Feel. Feel anything about this.

  WILL Life fucking goes on, Gina.

  GINA No. Don’t you understand?

  WILL Yes. In your belly right now.

  GINA No.

  WILL In your womb.

  GINA It’s all shit, Will. It’s all stopped. The whole fucking clock. We killed a human being. We murdered. He might have told bad jokes and he might have been a racist and a sexist and a…a—

  WILL Douche bag?

  GINA But he was human. He had birthmarks and a mother who held him and a favorite smell and—

  WILL He liked to take long walks on the beach and his favorite color was blue and he cried whenever he watched Brian’s Song and yet—and yet and yet—he’s passed on. Like your grandparents, like your dog, like a friend who got colon cancer.

  GINA But we’re why he’s gone.

  WILL And I’m good with that.

  GINA I’m not.

  WILL You better get good, honey.

  GINA I—

  WILL You better get good. ’Kay?

  GINA You are—you’re energized.

  WILL I’m the man who loves you. See that. Okay? I’m the man who loves you and lives for you.

  GINA I can’t get it out of my head. The whole thing. I can’t. Save me.

  [She reaches across the table toward him.]

  WILL Not here.

  Scene 11

  BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER.

  BOBBY’S FATHER She’s all you thought of in prison, I bet.

  BOBBY All I thought of since. All I thought of before.

  BOBBY’S FATHER I don’t know where she got to.

  BOBBY I know that.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Do you?

  BOBBY But when you’re seen—when you’re seen—in this life, it’s not natural to just let that go.

  BOBBY’S FATHER How you going to find her, though?

  BOBBY I just, I just, I think of her, I see her, I, and I say to myself, I say, “She’s out there. Waiting.”

  BOBBY’S FATHER She ain’t waiting, son. She ain’t. They don’t wait. It’s not their gift. That’s why we love them. Because if we blink, they could be gone. We look right instead of left, they’re already on a bus. Because they leave.

  BOBBY Not her.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Not her?

  BOBBY Not her.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Well, fuck her.

  BOBBY Already have.

  BOBBY’S FATHER You think anything’s changed since we fucking cave-painted? They suck our dicks so we’ll go to sleep. They share our beds so we’ll keep them warm. They fuck us so we’ll pay the electric. And if they suck our dicks and share our beds and fuck us just right, they know we’ll buy them earrings and cars and fucking gym memberships. Because they can be alone, but they can’t survive. And we can survive, but we can’t stand to be alone. And that’s it.

  BOBBY That’s it?

  BOBBY’S FATHER We hunt, they eat. We build, they dwell. We produce, they use.

  BOBBY That’s my inheritance, the sum of my received knowledge from you?

  BOBBY’S FATHER What did you think—you beat the house? You were the one guy in the history of time who found the perfect woman? You fucking infant. The free lunch ain’t free, the check ain’t in the mail, no one ever fought a war over truth or good intentions, and the only way not to lose is not to play.

  BOBBY More pearls. Thank you.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Where’s my diamond?

  BOBBY Where’s Gwen?

  BOBBY’S FATHER I told you.

  BOBBY Tell me again. Where’s Gwen?

  BOBBY’S FATHER I—

  BOBBY Not good enough. Where’s Gwen?

  Scene 12

  A slow song on the jukebox. PATIENT lights a cigarette.

  DOCTOR Those things will kill you.

  PATIENT You think?

  DOCTOR I never meant to—

  PATIENT [Waves it away.] No one ever means anything.

  [PATIENT stands, dances in front of him. He watches. She holds out her hand.]

  PATIENT Come on. Dance with me.

  DOCTOR Don’t be ridiculous.

  PATIENT I’m not being ridiculous. I’m being rhythmic. Come on. I’ll even attempt to give a straight answer to a straight question.

  DOCTOR You will, huh?

  PATIENT Come on. I love this song.

  [DOCTOR stands and she pulls him out onto the floor. They dance, she much better at it than he.]

  DOCTOR What’s worse than murder?

  PATIENT What?

  DOCTOR You said you’d bet there are people in the world, in this bar, who have done far worse than murder. I’m wondering what that could be.

  PATIENT Did I say that? I must have been trying it out—the concept, the line. I do that sometimes. I don’t mean anything by it.

  DOCTOR Sure you do.

  PATIENT After all your years climbing around in people’s heads like a cranial janitor, do you think people know why they do things? People rationalize, they turn their delusions into something romantic that they can disguise as ethics or principles or ideals. People are selfish, Doctor—odiously, monstrously, but in so small and paltry a monstrousness that we barely notice it.

  [The DOCTOR tries to break away from her, but she grips him hard, grinds against him.]

  PATIENT If we could have everything we wanted in an instant without fear of consequence? No worry of jail or societal reproof of any kind? No having to look our victims in the eyes because the victims have conveniently vanished? If we could have that? Stalin’s crimes would pale in comparison to what we’d do in the name of love. In the name of the heart wanting what the heart wants. So don’t fucking ask me what’s worse than murder.

  [She drops his hand, steps away from him. Long beat.]

  DOCTOR You’re a sociopath. You are. And I’m leaving.

  PATIENT I will blow up your life.

  DOCTOR What?

  PATIENT You heard me. I will tell your wife and I’ll tell the Ethics Board and I’ll tell the police and I’ll make a scene so loud the only place to put it will be the front page. So don’t you think of walking out of here, you fucking theoretician.

  Scene 13

  BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER.

  BOBBY’S FATHER This memory of yours…

  BOBBY Yeah?

  BOBBY’S FATHER Well, it’s a might selective, wouldn’t you say?

  BOBBY If I could remember what it’s being selective about, I’d probably agree with you.

  BOBBY’S FATHER I’m just trying to think of what you’ve forgetten besides, oh, the location of a three-million-dollar stone. Seems like you remember every other fucking thing.

  BOBBY Let’s try your memory. Where was I born?

  BOBBY’S FATHER Not this shit again.

  BOBBY What’s my mother’s maiden name? Hell, what’s her first name? Do I have a birth certificate?

  BOBBY’S FATHER I don’t believe in paperwork.

  BOBBY Is Bobby even my real name?

  BOBBY’S FATHER It suffices. Look, your mother’s dead.

  BOBBY So you say.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Why would I lie?

  BOBBY You’ve built your whole life on “Why would I tell the truth?” and you’re asking me that? Let’s start with an easy one. Where was I born?

  BOBBY’S FATHER New Mexico.

  BOBBY How hard was that?

  BOBBY’S FATHER No, wait, my bad. Actually it was New Orleans. I get the News mixed up. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t New Jersey, though. Where’s my diamond?

  BOBBY New Hampshire.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Oh-ho. Now I’m seeing it.

  BOBBY It’s sinking in finally, huh?

  BOBBY’S FATHER You were born here.
r />   [BOBBY sees the truth in his father’s face.]

  BOBBY This shitty little town?

  BOBBY’S FATHER This shitty little town.

  BOBBY So when we came here three years ago, you were, what?

  BOBBY’S FATHER Nothing. Scamming hurricane insurance in trailer parks, just like I said, just like we did. I ain’t got no connection to this place no more. Just figured we’d pop in, as always, hit hard and fast and be gone. But you fall in luv, fuckhead.

  BOBBY And stumble across the diamond.

  BOBBY’S FATHER Yeah, that was a nice benny.

  BOBBY [Stunned.] Here?

  BOBBY’S FATHER Right here. Probably why you always get a woody for the fairgrounds.

  [BOBBY stiffens. BOBBY’S FATHER is oblivious, throwing back his drink.]

  BOBBY The fairgrounds?

  BOBBY’S FATHER You always loved that place, right? Well, let me tell you something—makes me believe in genetic memory, boy, ’cause that’s where you were probably conceived. Hey, that’s an idea, maybe it’s there.

  BOBBY The fairgrounds? Yeah, that sounds right.

  BOBBY’S FATHER What?

  BOBBY I said that sounds right. Want to go look?

  [BOBBY’S FATHER throws some bills on the table and stands.]

  BOBBY’S FATHER I’ll drive.

  Scene 14

  The DOCTOR and the PATIENT.

  PATIENT So I’m a sociopath.

  DOCTOR You have sociopathic tendencies.

  PATIENT You’re parsing. I hate that. Have some balls. I either am something or I’m not.

  DOCTOR The human psyche can’t be reduced to a simple this-or-that equation.

  PATIENT Sure it can. You, for example, are effete. A repulsive quality in anyone, but in a man? And like most people who are effete, you’re pompous, and like most people who are pompous, you’re insecure, and like all people who are self-consciously insecure, you make the rest of the world pay for your fucking insecurities. So if I have to choose between flaws, I’ll take mine, thank you.

  [DOCTOR’S beeper goes off. He looks at the number.]

  PATIENT The missus?

  DOCTOR I’ll tell her I left it in the car.

  PATIENT How’s the baby?

  DOCTOR Took his first steps last week. You hear about it, but you’re never prepared for how…miraculous it seems.

  PATIENT I know.

  DOCTOR Oh, I didn’t realize you were around long enough.

  PATIENT For what?

  DOCTOR To see your son take his first steps.

  PATIENT I wasn’t. I watched from afar. They might not have been his first steps, but they were the first I saw him take.

  DOCTOR Are you finally ready to confront what leaving him did to you?