Backteria and Other Improbable Tales

  And in the early morning when he had just about managed to fall into a troubled sleep—Lucy woke him up.

  Life Size

  The littler one was playing with her dollhouse this afternoon. Crinkled knees on rose bespattered rug, she fondled her ones, Molly, Fig and the Puppy Gruff.

  Molly is a boy doll. The littler one giggled when I dubbed him so. That is a girl’s name, she said. Hush, said I, who is to say?

  Fig is a black sambo rajah, jeweled and awesome. And the Puppy Gruff is the Puppy Gruff.

  Mother was sitting at the big furniture scraping on a hill of debts.

  She frowned at me squatting on a buttoned hassock admiring my daughter.

  The littler one was rearranging furniture, a blue-veined hand sliding a bathtub to the wall. You must not place a bathtub in the guestroom, I told her, the guests might float ducks in it. I flew a bit of breeze from my lips and the delicate hair wisps at her temple stirred golden. Pappa, said she with a shake.

  The furniture arrangement proved so distasteful that she swept her hand across the floor to brush it clean. The furniture bounced nicely on the rug. I think now, said I, that is some fine way to arrange furniture. Little lips pouting, priceless petulance. The distaff giant rose, the floor shook with her coming. I looked up and the far off eyes sprinkled ice dust on our heads.

  Get up! she cried. I lifted the piano with two fingers. First, I begged, we must return this.

  She bent over and slapped it spinning on the floor. Come here, in a loud way she said. And you, a finger spear pointing at my loved one’s heart, stay away from the house if you don’t appreciate it.

  Little head lowered, rising tears. You may play nicely with the house, I said and stood up way high. Mother stamp stamped to the table. I stamp stamped followed.

  This simply cannot go on, she gurgled, pushing the everest of bills to me. I am not hungry, I said. Ice dust upon me.

  Listen Peg, she hissed so the littler one would hear worse, this simply is the end. Either you get out and work or I leave, with the child.

  Old tale. Old song. Old misery set to words. Take my child? Nonsense.

  I’ll get work tomorrow, I promised.

  Tomorrow, tomorrow I heard an echo from the valley of her throat. How many times have I heard that? How many times did Sal hear it? Tomorrow I said and walked away. That is not all, she cried but I kept on for the doorway.

  It is unbelievable the rapidity with which I shrank.

  Suddenly from as big as her, down, down.

  Whishhh, the doorway far far up like a mountain tunnel. The huge chair noted and prepared to collapse its gargantuan crimson on my tiny body. The sky shook, the cliff tottered miles above me,

  I flung up my arm and cried fear.

  Pain at my knees. Suddenly I was back again, sprawled across the chair. Pappa! Sweet worried tones caressed my ears.

  Mother had such a look and such a trembling, standing by the table choking herself.

  I rose with dignity and brushed off some dust not on me. I strode into the hall carefully. The house was slowly beginning to rock. The stairs were swelling, receding, in and out, like rolling wave carpeted and tacked.

  I held tight to the banister. No sense being swept out the window and out to sea.

  I prisoned off my room and sat down uh! on my white bed. My feet raised up and placed out on the spread, I fell back.

  The pitching slacked off, my ship slid into calm waters. Oh Sal, I whispered, Sal who understood, Sal not here, Sal far away gone and never coming more.

  The clock whispered sleep and wake.

  I raised squarely up and was without trouble. The room, the hall, all in fine order, walls square, flat and firm, steady ceiling.

  I slid down the silent stairs. Ha ha was the chuckle as I swept past the bottom toe and kneeled before the living room. Murmurs in the kitchen, the way clear. Softly, softly. Hello there Fig old bedizened potentate. Molly.

  I began to crawl carefully, slowly.

  For a while, naturally, I got nowhere since I kept shrinking the farther I went. The room swelled bigger, bigger. Grotesque universe.

  Voices! Footsteps!

  I scurried to the brink of the rug meaning to slip quickly over the edge and crouch in a hairy black cavern.

  Peg! Voice in the distance, crashing from the sky. I could have sworn I was out of sight.

  Peg! The thunder roared again.

  I wept with fury biting at the roses for their eyes so keen. I raised a look through binocular tears.

  The little one, clever darling, made as though frightened. Sweet conspirator! Mother will not know my plan from her.

  I started climbing up the red chair, a long haul without a rope.

  Fantastic hands reached down to smother me in hot greasy palms. I clawed at them, angular sweating monstrosities.

  The room wavered, so like it to do that.

  I stood up, ready to die for my secret, let the black waves dash on me. The room distorted, cooled and shrank. I held up my hands, screaming, ready for the ceiling to plunge down on me.

  But first the tower of me crashed an awful way far down on the rug plateau. I saw roses in my eye when I became unknowing.

  I woke in my bed feeling quiet. Someone was sitting across the room.

  Come here Sal, I asked so gently. Let me touch your cold gray lips, let me see the clay that stains your eyes.

  It was only a white tower that came to me as I slowly drowned in the lake folds of my bed.

  Foul lifeguard it reached down and tugged me out. My wrist was enveloped by cold serpents. I heard hmmm at the tower gate. I squinted and saw it was actually a giant whose every pore was a gaping pit.

  I turned my head away and was sick it was so ugly and horrible.

  I fell away to black things soon.

  But before it, I thought this and final too.

  When that bleak tower is gone or at slumber I will creep out, fly down the steps of mountain side and run across the rose strewn plain to my home.

  In the door, they will leave it open for me. Up, up, up the pretty stairs, two at a time I think.

  Into the bed creeping to hear them whisper below, my friends.

  Waiting for Sal to tuck me in and kiss me so, goodnight dear. Sleep.

  Dream on dream within the smooth and creamy silent walls.

  The pendulum stops.

  Man with a Club

  Jeez, wait’ll I tell you what happened last night, Mack. I swear you’ll never believe it. You’ll think I’m nuts. But I swear Mack, I swear I seen it with my own eyes.

  I was out with Dot. You know, the broad that lives down near Prospect Park. Yeah, you remember her.

  Well, we was going up the Paramount t’see Frankie Laine. Sat’day night, you know. Puttin’ on the dog. Show, feed, take her home, give’er the old one two.

  Well, anyway, I guess it was, oh, seven thirty when we come up from the I.R.T. station. Forty secon’ street. Time Square. You know the place. Where they got stores down the stairs. They sell jelly apples and stuff. Yeah, yeah, that’s right.

  So we come up the street, see? It’s jus’ like any time. You know, all the t’eatres lit up, people walkin’ around. I grab Dot’s arm and we head for Broadway.

  Then I see a bunch o’ guys across the street. So I figure it’s probably some drunk cuttin’ up. You know. So I says to Dot—come on let’s go see what everybody’s lookin’ at.

  So she says—Aw come on, we wantta get a good seat. So I says…haah? Course I don’t let no broad crack the whip over me. Come on I say. So I pull her arm and we cross the street even though she don’t wanna.

  So there’s a big crowd there, see? There’s so many people I can’t see what’s up. So I taps a guy on the shoulder and I says—what’s goin’ on? He don’t know. He gives me a shrug. Is it some guy drunk? I says to him. He don’t know. He says he thinks it’s some guy who ain’t got on no clothes. Yeah! That’s what the guy said. Woid fo’ woid.

  So Dot says—let’s go, wil
l ya? I give her the eye. You know. Cut it out I says. If there’s a guy without no clothes, you’ll be the first one’ll wanna see it, I says. So she gets all snooty. You know, like all broads get. Sure.

  So anyway, we stick around. I push more in the crowd so I can see. Everyone is kinda quiet. You know how crowds is when they’re lookin’ at somethin’. Like remember how quiet we all was when we was all watching old man Riley when the truck run over him? Yeah, that’s right. Quiet like that.

  So I keep shovin’. And Dot comes with me too. She knows what’s good for ‘er. She ain’t givin’ me up. Not with my dough she ain’t. Bet your sweet…haah? Awright, awright, I’m tellin’ ya, ain’t I? Don’t get ‘em in a sling.

  So we get up to the front practically and we see what’s up.

  It’s a guy. Yeah. The guy had clothes on too. Yeah, ya slob, what didja think, I was gonna say he was bareass on Time Square? Haa haa, ya jerk!

  So this guy has on like a bathin’ suit see? Like made of fur. You know. Like Tarzan wears. But he don’t look like no Tarzan. He looks like one of them apes Tarzan fights. Lots of muscles. Jeez he was more musclebound than them weight lifters down the “Y”. Muscles all over ‘im. Covered with ‘em!

  Covered with hair too. Like an ape. Ya know how cold it was last night? Well this guy wasn’t even cold, that’s how hairy he was.

  But scared? Jeez, was he scared. Scared stiff. He had his back to a store window. You know the one, where they sell jewelry for ninety-nine cents. Yeah, near that t’eatre.

  Inside the store this guy is starin’ out at this other guy. This ape, this guy in Tarzan clothes. Yeah.

  This guy has a club in his hand too. Big crappin’ thing! Like a ballbat only lot fatter. Covered with bumps. Yeah. Like them cavemen used to carry. Yeah…haah? Wait a secon’ will ya? I’ll get to it. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet. This is a kick.

  So we look at this jerk, see? Dot pulls back sort of. What’s the matter I says to her, ya sorry he ain’t got no clothes on? She don’t say nothin’. Just looks white in the gills. Dames. You know.

  So I turn to this old jerk next to me. I ask him—who is this guy? But he don’t know.

  Where’d he come from, I say to him. He shakes his head.

  He looked cockeyed, this old jerk. He was staring at this other guy with the club. And his hands is closed like he was prayin’ or somethin’. Yeah! Aah, ya meet ‘em all over. ‘Specially in Time Square. Ha! You said it Mack. Ain’t it the truth?

  So, anyway, where the hell am I? Haah? Oh, yeah.

  So I ask this slob once more another question. I asks him how long he’s standin’ there. He turns and looks at me like he gonna jump me. Yeah. Jeez, Mack, no crap.

  Then he says—just a little while. He turns away again and starts in starin’ at the crazy guy with the club. He has a book under his arm too. Whattaya mean who? The old jerk I mean. He keeps starin’ at this guy with the club.

  So Dot pulls my arm. Come on, she says, let’s go. I pull away. Let go woman, I says. I want to see what goes. So I look up front again.

  This hairy guy is showin’ his teeth at everybody, see? Yeah. Like an animal. Some broads in the crowd is pullin’ their dates back. Come on, come on, they’re sayin’. Jeez. Broads. Ya can’t argue with ‘em. They’re too dumb. You know.

  Then someone says—call a cop. So I figure things’re gonna get hot soon. Maybe there’ll be a good fight, I says to Dot. So what does she do? Come on Mickey, she says, let’s go see Frankie Laine. Laine Schmaine. Aah, fo’ Chrissakes anyway. What can ya expect from a dame?

  Haah? So I says to her—in a couple o’ minutes. Can’tch wait a couple o’ minutes? A cop’ll come soon I says to her. Cops always stick their noses in when there’s a crowd.

  So I turn to a guy on the other side of me and I says to him—where did this guy come from?

  Who the hell knows? he says. All I know is, I was walkin’ by, all of a sudden, bang! There he is, standin’ by the window.

  So we look at the guy. Would ya look at the guy, says this guy. Look at those teeth. He looks like a caveman.

  I’m getting’ to that Mack. I’m getting’ to it. Hold your water.

  So I look at the guy with the club, see? His eyes is small. His chin sticks way out. He looks like…you remember the time we cut school that day. What day? Shut up a second and I’ll tell you what day!

  You remember we went through Central Park and we went to that museum? You know, way up there. Around 80th street or somethin’. I don’t know. Anyway, you remember those cases o’ heads?

  No, ya jerk, don’t ya remember? It was upstairs someplace. Well, what the hell. Anyway, the heads showed what men looked like from the time they was apes.

  So what? So this guy looked like what men looked like t’ousands o’ years ago. Or millions. Who knows? Anyway, this guy looks like a caveman. Yeah.

  Let’s see. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

  So I hear some guy say—this is hideous.

  Yeah! Ha! This guy says—this is hideous. Ain’t that a kick? Well who the hell d’you think? The old jerk! With his bible. I did so tell ya it was a bible. Awright, so I said he had a book. So I meant it was a bible.

  So I look at this guy see? The old guy.

  He looks like one of those jerks you see down in the Square. You know, giving the crap about—comes the revolution! You know. Reds. Yeah.

  Anyway I figure I’ll humor the old fart. So I says—where do ya think the guy come from?

  Well, holy Jeez, if this guy doesn’t give me the eye like I spit on his old lady or something.

  Don’t you know? he says to me. Don’t you see?

  Yeah. How do ya like that? Don’t I see. See what fo’ crap’s sake? That’s what I wanna know.

  So I look the old jerk over. Some goddam Commie I figure. I would’ve give him the knee if there wasn’t so many guys around.

  Well, to make a long story short, all of a sudden the crowd jumps back! I get almost knocked down. Dot yells blue murder. Look out! someone else yells.

  So I look up front.

  The crazy guy is tryin’ to jump some broad up front. He’s growlin’ at her. Yeah! Look, was I there or wasn’t I? Well, shut up then. I was there. I saw the bastid with my own eyes. Take my woid.

  The guy even unloads his club and takes a swat at the broad.

  Yeah! That’s right. Boy, what a kick. It was like a crappin’ movie.

  Get a cop, get a cop! the broads start yellin’, jumpin’, out o’ their pants. They’re all the same. Somethin’ happens and they go runnin’ for cops.

  Yeah, and some old character is standin’ in an ashcan and yellin’ — Police! Police! Help, police! Yeah! Ya shoulda seen the slob. You woulda died.

  So everybody is excited and the crowd’s breakin’ it up. But there’s more crowds pushin’ in, see? To see what’s goin’ on. So everybody’s shovin’ and pushin’, pushin’ and shovin’. Scene from a crappin’ movie.

  What? The guy with the club? Aah, he’s back against the window again. Sure. His eyes is rollin’ around like crazy. All the time he’s showin’ his teeth. It was a riot Mack, take it from me.

  So somebody gets a cop. No, wait a second. That ain’t all.

  This cop pushes through the crowd, see? Big son of a bitch. You know the kind. All right, break it up, break it up, he says. Same old crap all the time. Break it up.

  He comes up to the guy with the club.

  And who do you think you are, he says, Superman? He gives the guy a shove. Come on ya bum, he says, you’re under…

  And all of a sudden, boppo! The guy swings his club and whacks the bull over the nut. Jeez did he slug him! The cop goes down like a sack of potatoes. Blood comes out his ears.

  Everyone gives a yell. Dot grabs my hand and pulls me down towards Eight Avenue.

  But the guy isn’t chasin’ anybody. So I pulls away from Dot.

  Come on Mickey, she says, let’s go to the show. Is she scared. She’s goin’ in her…haah? Awright!

 
So I says I ain’t missin’ this for nothin’. What a broad.

  You’d think a guy got a chance everyday to see a show like that.

  She keeps whinin’. You told me you was takin’ me to the Paramount, she says.

  Look baby, I says, Look, you’ll get to the Paramount, see? Just keep your pants on. Did I tell her right? What the hell. Ya can’t let ‘em walk on ya. Am I right or am I wrong?

  Haah? Oh yeah.

  Well I leave her down by the Automat down the street. I says I’ll be right back. I just wanna get a good look at the knocked out cop.

  So I go back. There isn’t many people around. They was all scared I guess. Jeez how that guy cracked that cop! I could still hear it, Mack.

  So the cop is out cold see? But there’s another cop comin’. He has his gun out. Sure, whattaya think. You think they take a chance? Hell no. Pull out their rods. What do they care they might hit innocent bystanders. Aah, you know cops.

  Stand back everybody! yells the cop. Stand back! Jeez. All the time! They say the same things.

  So-o, I watch him move in on the guy with the club. He’s still standin’ by that store window. The caveman I’m talkin’ about. Pay attention will ya!

  So the cop says—put down that club if you value your life. Uh-huh. How do you like that?

  Well this character just growls. He don’t know what the hell the cop is talkin’ about. He starts to scream. Like a animal. Gets down in a crouch like Godoy used to, remember? Yeah.

  Does he drop the club? Are you kiddin’? He has it in his mitt so tight you couldn’t drag it out with ten horses. Yeah.

  And he’s kinda bouncin’ on his feet too. Yeah. Like that ape in the movies, what the hell’s its name?

  Anyway, bouncin’ and puffin’. Yeah. Jeez, it was funny. Ooop, ooop, ooop, the guy is sayin’. You shoulda been there.

  So the cop holds up his gun, see?

  I’m warnin’ ya, he says. You put down that club and come along peaceably or else.

  The guy growls.

  Then, get this, the store’s front door opens all of a sudden.

  Officer, officer! yells the guy. Don’t you shoot out my brand new window!