Notorious Nineteen

She had fried blond hair, an extra forty pounds on her small frame, a cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth, and a spray tan that had turned a toxic shade of orange.

  “Mrs. Susan Cubbin?”

  “Unfortunately.”

  “You don’t like being Mrs. Cubbin?”

  “For eight years I’ve been married to a man with a two-inch penis and one nut. The loser finally grows balls and steals five million dollars, and I can’t get my hands on it.” She took a long pull on her cigarette and squinted at me through the smoke haze. “And?”

  I introduced myself, showed her my semi-fake badge, and gave her my card.

  “Bounty hunter,” she said. “So I’m going to help you why?”

  “For starters, this house was put up as insurance against the bond.”

  “Like I care. It’s got mold in the basement, the roof’s falling apart, and the water heater is leaking. The mortgage is killing me, and the bank won’t take it back. I can’t even get this disaster foreclosed. I don’t want the house. I want the friggin’ money. I want to get my stomach stapled.”

  “Have you seen your husband or heard from him since he left the hospital?”

  “No. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me not to come pick him up to go home.”

  “Has anyone heard from him?”

  “Not that I know about.”

  “Did he withdraw any money from your bank account?”

  “Do I look like someone who has money in the bank?”

  “Most people who skip at least take clothes, but your husband disappeared with just the clothes he wore when he checked in to the hospital.”

  “He’s got five million dollars stashed somewhere. The jerk can buy new clothes.”

  “Do you have any idea where he might have gone?”

  “If I knew where he went, I’d be there, and I’d choke him until he coughed up the money.”

  “Cranberry Manor would be grateful.”

  “I don’t give a fig about Cranberry Manor,” Susan said. “Those people are old. They’re gonna die. I want the money.”

  A police car angled to a stop behind Lula’s Firebird and two guys got out. One was sort of a friend of mine, Carl Costanza. We’d done Communion together, among other things. Costanza and his partner stood, hands on their gun belts, looking at Lula’s Firebird, then looking at me, sizing up the situation. I gave them a little wave and they walked over.

  “We got a report from a neighbor that a woman was acting suspiciously, creeping around this house,” Carl said.

  “That might be Lula,” I told him.

  “Who’s Lula?” Susan Cubbin asked.

  “She’s my partner,” I said.

  “And why is she creeping around my house?”

  “She thought she saw a cat. And she’s a real cat lover.”

  “Oh jeez,” Susan said, “don’t tell me my cat got out again.”

  “It could always be some other cat,” I said.

  “I gotta make sure. What color was it? Where’s your partner?”

  “Hey, Lula!” I yelled.

  Lula poked her head around the side of the house. “You call me?”

  “What color cat did you see?”

  “Say what?”

  “You know, the cat you went to find . . . when you were walking around the house just now. What color was it?”

  “White,” Lula said.

  “Thank goodness,” Susan said. “My Fluffy is orange.”

  “Case closed,” Carl said.

  “I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know if you hear from your husband,” I said to Susan.

  “Yeah,” Susan said. “Likewise.”

  We followed Carl and his partner to the curb.

  “Was he in there?” Carl asked Lula.

  “Not that I could see,” Lula said. “You’re talking about the white cat, right?”

  “Right,” Carl said.

  We all got into our cars and drove away.

  “Now what?” Lula wanted to know.

  “Now we visit Cranberry Manor. Did you see anything unusual when you were snooping?”

  “I didn’t see any sign of Geoffrey Cubbin, but someone had been packing a suitcase.”

  “Men’s clothes or women’s clothes?”

  “Looked like women’s clothes.”

  My cellphone rang, and Grandma’s number came up.

  “I’m at the beauty parlor, and I need a ride,” Grandma said.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To the hospital, of course. I’m on the job. I just made that baloney up about the beauty parlor to get out of the house. I figured if your mother knew I was going to the hospital she’d head for the liquor cabinet.”

  “We’ll be in big trouble if she finds out I took you to the hospital.”

  “She won’t find out. I’m wearing a disguise, and I have a fake ID. As far as anyone knows I’m Selma Whizzer today.”

  “What’s going on?” Lula wanted to know.

  “It’s Grandma. She’s at the beauty parlor, and she needs a ride to the hospital so she can snoop for us. She said she’s in disguise.”

  “I gotta see this. Is she at the beauty parlor on Hamilton by the bridal shop?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m on it. Tell her we’re fifteen minutes out.”

  FIVE

  LULA ALMOST JUMPED the curb when she saw Grandma in front of the hair salon. Grandma was wearing a blond Marilyn Monroe wig, a hot pink tank top, black Pilates pants, and black kitten heels. She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.

  “Your granny’s real fashion forward with the retro wig, and I love the little pink tank top,” Lula said, “but we gotta fatten her up. I don’t like to be critical, only she’s got too much skin. You could fit a whole other person in that skin.”

  Grandma tottered over on her little heels. “What do you think?” Grandma said, climbing into the backseat. “I bet you didn’t know who it was standing there until I waved at you.”

  “It’s a good disguise,” Lula said, “but you might be cold in that tank top when you get into the hospital.”

  “I got a sweater in my purse,” Grandma said. “I’m all prepared. I could take care of any situation. I’m packing heat more ways than one.”

  Lula pulled out into traffic. “You telling me you got a gun?”

  “Of course I got a gun. I got a big one too. A person’s gotta be prepared. You never know when you might have to stop a bank robbery.”

  “That’s true,” Lula said. “Good thinking.”

  “It’s not good thinking!” I said.

  Grandma clicked her seat belt into place. “You sound like your mother.”

  “Sometimes she’s right.” Truth is, she was almost always right. And my life would probably be improved if I listened to her more often.

  “What are you girls doing today?” Grandma asked.

  “We’re going to check out Cranberry Manor,” Lula said. “It’s one of them exploratory trips.”

  “Maybe I could go with you,” Grandma said. “I always wanted to see Cranberry Manor. I heard a lot about it. And then you could drop me off at the hospital on the way back.”

  “That’s not a bad idea,” Lula said. “Granny could be our decoy. We could go incognito.”

  Grandma sat forward. “I could say I’m interested in moving there on account of my son-in-law is a horse’s patoot.”

  “And your mother wouldn’t get so mad at you if she found out you took Granny to see about moving into the old people’s home,” Lula said.

  A half hour later we parked in the visitors’ lot and entered Cranberry Manor through the front door. It was a typical senior living complex, with a pleasant reception area and two wings for residents.

  “This is real pretty,” Grandma said. “They have flowers growing outside and everything looks fresh painted.”

  “That’s not going to last long being that they’re broke,” Lula said.

&
nbsp; We stopped at the small informal reception desk in the lobby and told the woman we’d like a tour.

  “I’m interested in living here,” Grandma said. “I want to see everything.”

  “Wonderful,” the woman said, taking in Grandma’s hair and tank top, trying to maintain a friendly smile. “I’ll ring Carol. She’s our salesperson.”

  Carol appeared immediately, undoubtedly excited at the thought of extracting money from someone who might not have heard Cranberry Manor was filing for bankruptcy.

  “Just down the hall is the dining room,” Carol said, leading the way.

  “I like the sound of that,” Grandma said. “Do they serve cocktails?”

  “Not cocktails, but residents can have wine with dinner.”

  Grandma peeked inside the dining room. “Just like being at a fancy restaurant with tablecloths and everything. Can I have oatmeal and eggs and bacon at breakfast?”

  “Yes.”

  “And coffee cake?”

  “Yes.”

  “Sign me up,” Grandma said.

  “We have more to see,” I told her.

  “Yeah, don’t get carried away with the oatmeal,” Lula said.

  “We have two identical wings,” Carol said. “They each have their own social center.”

  The social center we visited looked like a big living room. Large-screen television, three game tables, couches and chairs arranged in conversational groups. Four women were playing bridge at one of the game tables. Two men were watching a Wheel of Fortune rerun on the television.

  “Excuse me,” Grandma said to the women. “I might move here, and I was wondering what you thought of the place.”

  “They use powdered eggs at breakfast,” one of the women said. “They tell us they’re real eggs, but I know a powdered egg when I see one.”

  “And they buy cheap toilet paper,” another woman said. “Single ply. And it’s all because of that Geoffrey Cubbin.”

  “And he was a womanizer,” the first woman said. “He was having affairs with some of the ladies here.”

  “You mean some of the ladies who live here?” Grandma asked.

  The woman nodded. “There have been rumors.”

  “I wouldn’t mind having an affair,” Grandma said.

  “Good riddance to bad rubbish,” the woman said. “He’s gone, and he’s not coming back.”

  The women all nodded in agreement.

  “You don’t know that for sure,” Grandma said. “He could pop up.”

  “He better not pop up here,” the woman said. “It wouldn’t be healthy for him, if you know what I mean. We would have put a hit out on him but he stole all our money.”

  “Let’s move on to the exercise area,” Carol said, steering Grandma away.

  “Do you have any idea what happened to Geoffrey Cubbin?” I asked Carol. “I understand he had his appendix removed and then disappeared from the hospital.”

  “I don’t know anything about that,” Carol said. “I have my hands full here, trying to keep the crew from mutiny.”

  We toured the rest of the building, talked to about forty people, got a brochure and an application from Carol, and returned to the Firebird.

  “I could have my own bathroom if I lived here,” Grandma said. “That’s on the plus side. On the other side I wouldn’t have anything to do at night. How would I get to the funeral home for viewings?”

  “Yeah, and those Cranberry people were all cranky,” Lula said. “They should be giving them more than one glass of wine at dinner. They should be putting Kahlúa in their coffee in the morning. And if they find Cubbin toes up in a Dumpster they should start the investigation at Cranberry Manor because he’s not a popular guy there.”

  Lula drove us back to Trenton and dropped Grandma off at the hospital.

  “Don’t shoot anyone,” I told Grandma.

  “Only if I have to,” she said, straightening her wig. “I’ll call when I need a ride home.”

  “I’m hungry,” Lula said, driving off. “I could use a healthy lunch like nachos from the convenience store on Olden.”

  “That’s not healthy.”

  “It’s corn and it’s got cheese product. That’s two of the major food groups.”

  “If we wait until we get back to the office we can stop at Giovichinni’s and get a salad.”

  “A salad? What do I look like, an alpaca? I’m a big woman. I can’t keep going on a salad. I need salt and grease and shit.”

  I had to get into a slinky little black dress tonight. I wasn’t up for salt and grease and shit. “Giovichinni will add all that stuff to your salad. Just ask for it.”

  “Yeah, but I’ll have to pay extra.”

  I have no willpower. If Lula stops for nachos, I’ll get them too. Or even worse, I’ll get a couple hotdogs.

  “My treat,” I said.

  “That’s different then. Here we go to Giovichinni.”

  Giovichinni’s Deli and Meat Market is just down the street from the bonds office. My family has shopped there for as long as I can remember, and it ranks on a par with the funeral home and the beauty salon for dishing dirt. Lula parked at the curb and we went straight to the deli counter. I got a salad with grilled chicken, and Lula got a salad with barbecued pork, extra bacon, blue cheese, and a side of macaroni and cheese.

  “I’m glad you suggested a healthy salad,” she said, moving to check out. “This is just what I needed.”

  I made a large effort not to grimace. Her salad was a heart attack in a takeout carton. And it looked fabulously delicious. I was going to have a hard time not ripping it out of her hands.

  “What’s new?” I said to Gina Giovichinni when I got to the register.

  “Annette Biel is preggers. We’re starting a pool for birth weight and if it looks like her husband or Reggie Mangello.”

  “She’s been seeing Reggie Mangello?”

  “He did some drywall for them nine months ago when they fixed up their cellar.”

  “Anything else? Anything about Geoffrey Cubbin?”

  “The guy who ran off with the old people’s money? Nope. Haven’t heard anything worth repeating.”

  “I’m looking for him. Let me know if you hear something.”

  We took our salads back to the office, along with a Greek salad for Connie. Nothing for Vinnie. He’d be out having a nooner with a duck or getting a good whacking from Madam Zaretsky.

  “I checked the cabs,” Connie said, digging into her salad. “No one had a pickup at or near the hospital the night Cubbin disappeared.”

  “He didn’t drive himself,” I said. “His car was in his garage. And he couldn’t walk far in his condition. So he had to have help.”

  “True,” Connie said. “Or someone could have snatched him.”

  “I can almost believe a post-op patient could manage to get himself to the elevator and not get noticed. I’m having a hard time seeing someone kidnap a patient and get him out the door.”

  “Maybe he went out the window,” Lula said. “And then he got collected.”

  “He was on the fourth floor,” I said. “That’s a long way down.”

  Lula shoveled in barbecued pork. “Yeah, he would have had to be encouraged. And it would have made a good thump. If he landed on cement his head would’ve cracked open like Humpty Dumpty, but I’m pretty sure there’s grass all around the hospital. So no point poking around, looking for brains.”

  It was a gruesome possibility, and it didn’t make total sense, but it was as good as any theory I had. “If you wanted to kill Cubbin, wouldn’t it be easier to do it after he left the hospital?” I asked Lula and Connie.

  “Maybe it was some old lady who was already in the hospital for being so old,” Lula said.

  I speared a tomato chunk. “If she was that old she couldn’t get him to the window and shove him out.”

  “How about that old lady who was playing cards,” Lula said. “If she was in the hospital, she could have shoved him out. She had rage going for her. We
should check to see if she was in the hospital.”

  “Have you looked at his relatives?” I asked Connie.

  “His parents are deceased. One sister, married, living in Des Moines. A brother in the Denver area.”

  “Any recent credit card or bank activity?”

  “None.”

  I finished my salad. It was okay, but Lula’s looked a lot better.

  “No way,” Lula said, inching away from me. “Don’t be looking at my salad like that. You made your choice. You got your plain ass grilled chicken. Not my fault you got no imagination.”

  I slouched back onto the couch. “I don’t know where to go from here with Cubbin. I could do surveillance on his house, but I don’t think he’s going back there. Instinct tells me he’s either dead or in Tierra del Fuego. And I can’t access him in either of those places.”

  “I have a couple more skips that came in today,” Connie said. “And you still have Melvin Barrel at large. Why don’t you clean up the small stuff while you wait for something to break loose on Cubbin?”

  I took the new files from her and skimmed through the paperwork. “Brody Logan. Took a hammer to a police car and turned it into scrap metal.”

  “I like it,” Lula said. “Why’d he do it?”

  “Doesn’t say.”

  “We could find him and ask him,” Lula said. “Where’s he live?”

  “Doesn’t say.”

  “He’s homeless,” Connie said. “Usually hangs around Third Street and Freemont. Sleeps under the bridge abutment with a bunch of other homeless people.”

  My eyebrows lifted a quarter of an inch. “Vinnie bonded out a homeless person? How will the guy pay for his bond?”

  “Apparently he has some sort of religious artifact that’s worth a lot of money, and he used it as collateral.”

  “Why is he homeless if he has this thing worth money?”

  Connie shrugged and did a palms-up. “Don’t know.”

  The other FTA was Dottie Luchek. She’d been arrested for solicitation at the KitKat Bar, and hadn’t shown for court. “This has to be wrong,” I said to Connie. “This woman looks like an apple dumpling. And she gives her age as fifty-two.”

  “A ’ho can come in any size,” Lula said. “There’s nothing wrong in a ’ho looking like a apple dumpling, and being of a certain age.” She leaned over my shoulder and looked at the photo. “That don’t look like a ’ho,” she said. “I never seen a ’ho look like that. And I’ve seen a lot of different kinds of ’ho. I wasn’t even the same ’ho every day. I had a whole ’ho wardrobe. I had schoolgirl ’ho, and nasty ’ho, and nun ’ho. But I never had this ’ho. This ’ho looks like she just baked her own bread this morning. If some actress played this ’ho, it’d have to be Doris Day.”