Deep Redemption

  Checking no one was behind her, Mae whispered, “Go out the door, walk directly through the trees, then take a right. He is in the old barn.”

  “Mae,” I said almost silently.

  Leaning forward, Mae kissed my forehead and helped me from the bed. She handed me a long black sleeveless dress, and I removed my white wedding garment and pulled it on. I slipped my feet into the sandals I had been wearing when I wed Rider. I followed her down the stairs and out of the house.

  Turning, I met Mae’s eyes and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  Mae smiled and shut the door. I cast my eyes over the darkness surrounding me. I swallowed the unease I felt at being in such a strange, unknown place and rushed to follow the directions Mae had given me, gripping tightly to the key in my hands.

  I had to get to him.

  My hurried steps were accompanied by the sound of night owls hooting and unseen crickets chirping. My breathing came fast and hard as I cut through the dense gathering of leaves. I turned right and stopped dead when I saw an old wooden barn. A dim light came from the cracks between the wood, and I knew that just beyond the door was Rider.

  I crept forward. I opened the door with the key Mae had given me and slipped inside, sealing myself in.

  Then I turned around . . . and the scene I was met with obliterated whatever was left of my broken heart. Rider was in the center of the room, dirtied by the floor and secured by rusty shackles, long chains coming from the cuffs on his wrists. He was lying down on the dirty ground, his body radiating utter defeat . . . and I felt my soul cry out in sympathy.

  Once again he was the prisoner. I realized then that no matter where Rider went, here or the commune, he was always alone. Would always be alone.

  He was an eternal outcast. Never belonging in either world that he had walked in.

  The pain of that realization robbed me of my breath.

  Forcing my feet to move, I silently made my way over to the center of the barn, a single dim, bare bulb spotlighting the man I had given all of myself to. And no matter what I had been told since I had arrived in this strange place, I simply could not believe he was evil. Even though all the evidence pointed that way, I could not make my head nor my heart agree.

  He must have sensed my presence, because as I stared down at him, trying my very best to muster the courage to speak, he opened his eyes and looked directly at me. The minute his tired red eyes found mine, an expression of agony settled on his beautiful face. He turned away from me then. I knew it was in shame.

  My feet moved closer to him, one step then two, then I lowered myself beside him. I was far enough away that he could not reach me. But from where I sat I could see him clearly. I could see his face with crystal clarity. I had to—I needed to—know the truth.

  All of it. Nothing hidden. Everything bared.

  I folded my arms over my bent legs and waited for him to face me again. When he did I almost crumbled. Hot tears flooded his eyes and lonely teardrops tracked down his colorless cheeks. A fresh bruise was on his forehead; recent wounds peppered his skin.

  He was beaten everywhere he went. Yet he took it all.

  He dragged in a long breath and whispered, “Harmony . . . you shouldn’t be here.”

  “Bella,” I corrected.

  “Bella,” he said softly, almost reverently. “You need to go. Just . . . leave me alone.”

  I was not going anywhere.

  “You are in love with Mae,” I blurted. Rider’s eyes widened. I had shocked him. I had shocked myself. I had so many questions, yet that was the first my unconscious mind decided to ask. I realized then just how much it had bothered me. Just how much pain the thought brought to my heart.

  “No,” Rider finally replied.

  “You lie,” I accused. “I have been told everything. Everything you have done. Everything your brother has done . . . how you fought to win Mae’s love.”

  Rider’s already pale cheeks turned ashen. The shackles that held him captive rattled as he pushed himself to a sitting position. He faced me. Stared directly into my eyes.

  His shoulders slumped. “I thought I loved her. When I was chosen by my uncle to infiltrate these men, I was so out of my element. But I believed in the cause. Bella . . . I believed in our faith so hard I didn’t dispute a single thing I’d been taught in The Pasture.” He shook his head and ran his hand down his face. “When Mae arrived, bleeding out and dying, I figured out who she was pretty quick.” He pointed to the inscription on my wrist. I ran my fingers over the ink that had been forced upon me as a child. “I knew I had to gain her trust to return her to my uncle. And she was the only female I had ever really spoken to. I . . . I think that I wanted her because she was from The Order. I thought that she was just under the influence of the devil.”

  He expelled a self-deprecating laugh. “Fucked-up, right? I truly thought that I had to help her soul. I honestly believed I was in love with her, that she was meant for me, and that I could save her. When I ascended, it was my biggest goal: to get her back. To have her by my side. I thought that was what I was meant to make happen. What God expected me to do.”

  “What changed?” I found myself asking. A sickened feeling had sprouted in my chest as I listened to him talk of wanting Mae. It was unbearable, yet I could do nothing to chase it away.

  Rider’s chest rose and fell as he fought to breathe through whatever he wanted to say next. Then he did, and that feeling in my chest evaporated.

  “You.”

  I stilled, breath held.

  “You changed it all. You changed everything.”

  “Rider…” I whispered brokenly. My fingers twitched. They wanted to reach for his and feel his warmth. Feel his safe touch.

  “It is true. I was sheltered my entire life. I remained pure and fixed my efforts on the first woman that ever paid me attention . . . but it was all bullshit. My need for Mae was as fake as this fucking religion we have dedicated our entire life to.” Rider turned his head away from me. I did not move. He looked at me again, self-hatred in his eyes. “Bella . . . when I ascended, I . . . I liked it.

  “I liked the power. I felt like everything I had sacrificed was for something. I had a path, a purpose . . . then it all started going wrong. I didn’t know how to lead the people. The elders began losing faith in me. I didn’t receive any revelations like I thought I would.” He choked on a devastated laugh. “Because no such thing existed. My uncle had made it all up. He was smart. He and his sick friends found that by disguising their perversions under the veil of religion, they could lure people in. Broken, lost people looking for a reason to live. Helplessly searching for a better life. Instead all he brought them was rape and repression.”

  “You did not know,” I said. “You were brought up to believe it all. We all were.”

  “I should have known,” he replied sternly. “Bella, I lived here with the Hangmen for five years. I saw real life, the real world. I lived it. But all that time I held on to the belief that the entire world was wrong and our small commune was right. How fucking naïve was that?”

  “It was not naïve, Rider. That commune was your family. It was all you knew. I know, remember? I lived it too.”

  He stared at me for the longest time. So long that I became nervous under his attention. So long that his torn and shamed face frosted into an icy expression. “I let it happen,” he said dully. “All of it.”

  I swallowed hard.

  “I allowed the Klan’s men to take Lilah. They were meant to take Mae. Then I washed my hands of her and let Judah punish her.”

  “You did not know what Judah would do to her, what the other elders would do. Even Lilah believes you were trying to save her.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong.” Every one of my muscles seemed to drain of blood. Had I been wrong about Rider? I feared that all his pain and self-hatred was a ruse. But then his lips trembled, and a single teardrop fell from his eye . . . and I knew he was the man I always knew him to be. “I think . . . I think, deep
down, I knew all along that Judah was bad . . . cruel . . . sadistic . . . ”

  “Rider,” I cried and began to move closer. He held out his hand, motioning for me to stop. The chains hanging from the cuffs scraped on the floor beside him.

  “I . . . I think I knew. But did nothing, because, Bella . . . if I didn’t have Judah . . . ” An anguished noise slipped from his throat and his face contorted in agony. “Then . . . then I didn’t have anybody.”

  I could not have stopped my tears if I tried. This time no outstretched hand would have stopped me from reaching my husband. And this time, when I dropped down beside him, Rider let me envelope his large body in my arms. He fell into my chest and let all the pain he harbored in his heart free. The chains dug into my legs where I sat. I did not care in the slightest.

  “Rider,” I whispered and smoothed his long hair back from his damp face. “I am here . . . I am here.” My words only forced a louder cry from his mouth. I rocked him back and forth, my tears falling to mix with his on the dirt-ridden floor.

  “I’m all alone,” he choked out through his agony. “I’m so fucking alone . . . so fucking confused . . . ”

  “No,” I told him and moved my hands to his cheeks. My heart tore at how much pain he was in. I had never seen someone so destroyed. Even in my worst times, I always had the love of my sisters. In recent times, of Brother Stephen and Sister Ruth . . . Rider, he had had no one.

  Absolutely no one at all. And worst of all, most of the people he did know hated him. Truly, venomously, hated him.

  Rider broke down for many minutes more. When his tears ran dry, he inhaled a ragged breath. “I deserve to die. There is nothing I can do to right everything that I’ve done. I fucking deserve to die.”

  “No,” I said curtly. I kneeled in front of him, his face in my hands. I did not like the ominous tone to his voice. “You do not,” I challenged. Rider squeezed his eyes shut and tried to turn his head. I refused to let him go.

  “Bella,” he whispered in defeat.

  “You have me,” I said vehemently. He had to know. I did not care what the men in this compound thought. “You have me.”

  “I . . . I don’t deserve you. What I allowed to happen to your sisters . . . ”

  “You did not condone.”

  Rider shook his head. “What does that matter? I knew what Judah was capable of. Deep down . . . I knew . . . ”

  “But you loved him. He was the only one you had to love. It is easy to ignore someone’s sins when love blinds you.”

  More silent tears tumbled down his face. Rider’s eyes dropped, then he whispered, “I still do. Fuck, Bella. Despite everything . . . I still love him. He’s my brother . . . he’s all I have. And I . . . I don’t wanna be alone. I’m so fucking lonely all the damn time.” His huge dark eyes met mine. “To my embarrassment, I still love him . . . even after I know he no longer loves me . . . I’m not sure he ever really did.”

  I searched his eyes and saw the guilt and hurt within them. “Because you are a good person, Rider. A pure soul always finds love. Even through hate, they will always find the ability to claim love.”

  “I’m not good,” he argued. “I don’t believe that.”

  I smiled. Pressing my forehead to his, I said, “Then I will believe it for you.”

  “Bella,” he said in a strangled moan. But I did not let him speak any further. There was nothing else he could say that would change how I felt about him. How much I wanted him in this moment . . . in this life, by my side.

  Nerves filled me as I drew my mouth toward his. But Rider held still and allowed me to join our lips. He let me take the lead.

  No man had ever given me that luxury before.

  Despite the sadness in his body, his lips were warm to the touch. I tasted his residual tears in my mouth, but I embraced it. His tears became my own, his burdens became mine to bear.

  A soft moan left Rider’s mouth and he lifted his chained hands to my back. Heat traveled through me, ignited my every cell, as my chest pressed against his. Rider’s mouth broke from mine, and he gasped, chasing for lost breath. “Bella,” he murmured, moving my hand to lay a kiss on the center of my palm.

  The affection in his eyes was my undoing. And I knew what I would do next. What I had to do next. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I could not predict the outcome. But I could take charge of tonight. I could show this perpetually broken man that he was no longer alone. I was here.

  I was still his wife.

  Rider watched me with rapt attention, his eyes flaring as I nervously lifted my legs to straddle his thighs.

  My breathing was erratic as our gazes locked. Rider swallowed hard, showing me that he was equally as nervous as me. “I want this,” I reassured him. I took hold of his hand and brought it to the hem of my dress; the long garment had already lifted to my knees. Rider’s warm hand landed on the back of my thigh, pushing the material aside.

  “The chains,” I said as the metal pulled harshly on his wrists.

  “They don’t matter. We’ll work around them.”

  My eyes fluttered closed as his fingers moved over my skin, making lazy circles that brought shivers to my spine. The heat from the humid air kissed my bare arms. Opening my eyes, I lowered my gaze until it collided with Rider’s.

  His previously pale cheeks were filled with warmth, his breathing labored with need. Looping one arm around his neck, I lowered the other between our bodies. I pulled on the waistband of his pants to take him into my hand. Rider hissed as I found his hard length. My nerves fell away with the light breeze that passed through the barn.

  “Bella,” he whispered, and I smiled as his eyes closed in pleasure, my name a prayer on his lips. His free hand landed on my other thigh and began moving my dress upward. Heat built at my core. I moved my center over Rider’s hardness, and gradually lowered myself down.

  As Rider pushed inside of me, I brought my hand to his shoulder. I held on tight as I dropped myself all the way down . . . until Rider and I were fully joined. Until there was no space left between us. And he knew I was going nowhere.

  “Bella,” Rider rasped as I lifted myself up. I never moved my eyes from his as I sank back down. My nails dug into his skin. I let out a soft moan as the feel of him filling me brought a lightness to my heart.

  “Rider,” I murmured. He groaned and tucked his forehead into the crook between my shoulder and neck. My hands left his shoulders and threaded through his hair. As I increased the speed of my hips, I brought my mouth to his ear and whispered, “I am here with you. You are no longer alone.”

  Rider’s growl of response brought fire to my veins. He thrust up inside me, taking control. One of Rider’s hands dropped to grip my hip and the other cupped the nape of my neck. Heat flooded between my thighs at the fierce look in Rider’s eyes, despite the crude feel of the taut chain pressing coldly against my spine.

  “Fuck . . . Bella,” he murmured as he guided the pace of my movements. Rider’s olive skin glistened as we moved faster, and the pressure that I had only felt one time before began to gather at the base of my spine.

  Rider’s length twitched in my channel, hitting something inside that made me shiver with pleasure. “Rider!” I cried out in surprise and his heavy-lidded eyes clashed with mine. He bit his bottom lip as pushed his hips up to meet my own. My eyes rolled as the beautiful feeling of him within me became almost too much to bear.

  His hand on the nape of my neck pulled me closer. Rider smothered my lips with his own and plunged his tongue into my mouth. The sensations were almost too much. He was everywhere—his taste in my mouth, his hands on my skin . . . his soul in my heart.

  Rider’s tongue dueled faster with mine. His hips increased to a maddening speed, and just as I could not bear the pressure filling me, a burst of pleasure rocked through my body, so intense that I cried out against Rider’s mouth. Rider stilled as my back arched, and we swallowed each other’s moans of release as he filled me with warmth.

  We gas
ped for breath, hands roaming over backs and arms and skin. I wound us down, slowing the rhythm of my hips until I had rocked us to a halt. I tore my mouth from Rider’s and our foreheads met. My fingers combed slowly through his long hair, and I let myself feel this moment in all its glory. In all its sweet, beautiful purity.

  When I opened my eyes, it was to see a look of such peace on Rider’s face that it sewed the broken pieces of my heart back together. “You are a good man.” I repeated the words I had uttered to him before we joined.

  Rider was silent in the aftermath. I drew back my head and raked damp strands of his long brown hair from his face. Rider closed his eyes under my touch, and I knew that what Maddie had said to me tonight was true.

  I loved him. Somehow, miraculously, in all of the madness, stress and grief of the past few weeks . . . I had given my heart to this man. A man whose spirit was just as fragile as my own.

  And I could save him.

  I was determined to redeem him of his wrongs.

  As my fingers soothed the worry he was holding inside, a smile of contentment tugged on his lips. That one action of happiness spurred me to make a plea, to beg for a promise from the husband I loved. “Come back to me.”

  Rider tensed, and his brown eyes rolled open. He searched my desperate gaze. Moving his hand to my face, he delicately ran his fingertip over my lips. “I have to go, Bella. I have to help those who helped us. And I have to try and save the people. I cannot let them be killed because of Judah’s pride. Only I can do this . . . it is down to me now. I need to do this.”

  “I know,” I said reluctantly. And I knew it was true. It did not mean that I did not wish it was different. That somehow we could all forget the past and simply rejoice in the fact that we were free.

  But we were not all free. As long as Judah lived, the elders lived, Rider would never be free. Yet, at the same time, I did not know the impact losing Judah would have on Rider’s heart. Even now I could feel that he still believed he did not deserve my love. He did not deserve to be around people that wanted him for the kind soul he truly was. I worried that he would completely break when he finally rid the world of his twin.