Dont Let Go

Chapter 21
Chapter 21       Shit.   In the few minutes it took Noah and me to make it to the store, Seth arrived there as well. He took one look at our faces as we jogged across the street to get under the awning, teeth chattering and my face probably raw, and raised an eyebrow.   Glorious.   I yanked open the door to blessed warmth and some rather unblessed looks from Hayden. Ruthie was mouthing an I’m sorry in the background, and his prepared words died on his lips when his eyes landed on Noah. They narrowed back on me. On us. And our disheveled, drowned rat appearance.   “Really?” he said.   “Becca?” I said, refocusing him.   Hayden blinked that particular irritation free and picked the more relevant one.   “I was headed to Katyville, just before the sky opened up, and what should pass me but a motorcycle going ninety-to-nothing. My first thought was well, they’re trying to beat the rain. My second thought was oh, hey, look, there’s Becca’s hair. ”   “No helmet,” I said, like that was the biggest issue.   “No,” he said.   “You’re sure it was her?” I asked, although with her history I didn’t really question it. I blew on my frozen fingers.   “I’m sure,” he said. “I tried to follow but they exited on Cayman Boulevard and I lost them. Been calling you ever since. ”   “Jules,” Ruthie said, her face wary, her eyes darting to Hayden. “Cayman is—”   “I know what Cayman is,” Hayden said, wheeling around. “Thanks. ”   “Hey, don’t be a prick, Hayden,” I said, my teeth chattering harder and my whole body shaking at that point. “She’s trying to help. ”   He closed his eyes for a second to pull it together, and I knew it was hard. Noah’s presence wasn’t helping. Knowing that his daughter just went to an infamous part of town known locally as Sin Alley was enough. Cayman Boulevard was lined with seedy motels that generally charged by the hour. I was pretty nauseous over it myself.   “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry,” he echoed, turning to Ruthie. “I’m just—”   “I know,” I said, peeling my soaked jacket off.   “Jesus, Jules,” Hayden said, coming forward and rubbing my arms. “You’re like gray. ”   “I’m good,” I said, catching his hands, too aware of Noah standing there. Which was crazy since he had a woman at home waiting on him. Kind of. “What do we do? Drive up and down Cayman till we see the bike?”   “I don’t think that’s wise,” Noah said, having miraculously controlled his own reaction to the cold. He wasn’t even shaking anymore. I didn’t know how, but then again he had been trained to be Superman.   “I’m sorry, were you consulted?” Hayden asked.   “Hayden—”   “Don’t Hayden me, Jules,” he said, an edge curving his words up at the ends, a tell that meant he was at a breaking point.   “I’m just saying,” Noah continued, his voice even and calm. “To think back. ” His eyes bored into me. “You were her age. We were. How would it have gone down if your mother had walked in?”   “Oh, I don’t know,” Hayden said. “Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant at seventeen with a bastard child she’d mourn for the rest of her life. ”   “Hayden!” I yelled, my eyes going directly to Seth, who was trying to stop Noah.   Noah was quick, crossing the few feet to Hayden in seconds, backing him up to the counter. Seth had a hand on his shoulder, but he wasn’t budging.   “I’ve had about enough of you,” Noah said through his teeth. “We are trying to help here, and you really need to help yourself. ”   “Noah, it’s all right, really,” Seth was saying. Not that either of them heard him.   Hayden was too pissed off to be cowed down this time, however. He bowed up and shoved Noah’s hands away, looking him eye to eye. My stomach plummeted, knowing that the timing was bad for both of them.   “You gonna put my head on a table again?” Hayden seethed. “Go ahead. Give it a shot. ” Every muscle in his face and body twitched. “You may very well succeed. You might kick my ass. But I’m stone-cold sober this time and I will take you down with me. ”   It was too much.   I could see the pain in Hayden’s eyes, and it wasn’t just about me or Noah or his pride this time. His baby girl was out there and he felt helpless.   “Please,” I said. To the room. To either one of them that would hear me.   Noah was the one to finally back up, and Hayden followed suit. As Noah turned, his eyes met mine for that second, and I knew he’d given Hayden that. It was a gift to a man hurting over his kid.   Deep breaths went all around, and then Seth, who had been watching quietly, said, “I have her cell number. ”   Hayden turned to him and narrowed his eyes in question. “And who might you be?”   Seth offered a hand. “Bastard child. Nice to meet you. ”   Hayden stared at him as he slowly moved to shake his hand, and his face fell. He looked back at me and then to where Noah stood looking spring-loaded. Mortification draped over him like a blanket.   “Oh, fuck me,” he said under his breath.     He sank into a nearby chair and leaned his elbows on his knees, all the hot air knocked from him. He looked defeated and deflated and sad, and it squeezed my heart. I knelt at his feet, and the irony of that being the second time within the hour was not lost on me.   “I’m sorry, Jules,” he said softly, staring at the floor. “I didn’t mean that. ”   I pulled his head to me in a hug and just held on. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out. ”   I looked up and saw Seth calling someone and Noah raking fingers through his wet hair to dry it. He had his own demons. Lord, they seemed to be running amok lately.   “Noah, you need to go home,” I said softly.     He looked down at me comforting Hayden, with so many words spilling from his eyes. I couldn’t read any of them, so I tried to give him some of my own. Please don’t leave town.   “I just tracked the GPS on her phone,” Seth said, walking back. “I can go straight to her. ”   “Wait, what?” I said. “I don’t have that on her phone. ”   “You don’t have to,” he said with a wink. “I have magic powers. ”   Hayden stood up. “What?”   “He’s a police detective,” I said, pride oozing from my voice.   “Oh, thank God,” Hayden said. He grabbed Seth’s hand again. “Man, I’m sorry—I didn’t—I shouldn’t have said that. ”   “It’s all good,” Seth said. “Don’t sweat it. ” He turned to me, all business again. “She’s not a criminal here, and both being minors, neither is he. ” He paused and studied my eyes as if weighing his words. “They are two kids doing what . . . two kids do. You can go barging in there and scar yourself and her forever, or I can go make sure she’s safe and just wait and bring her home. ”   Hayden turned and paced the room, but I knew Seth was right. I couldn’t control this one.   “Thank you,” I whispered, going to him with a hug that needed to fill twenty-six years.       • • •       Ruthie sat across from me in the biggest chair we had, crossing her legs under her, which made her look dwarfed. For once, I was glad of a slow day and no customers. The quiet and simplicity of rain hitting the roof was soothing.   Hayden left to run work errands but was staying in town and told me four times to call him as soon as I heard something. Noah had left when Seth did, giving me a last look as he went through the door. A look I couldn’t read and refused to agonize over. I had other teeth in my pond right now.     “Talk to me,” she said.   “Pick a category,” I said, rubbing my temples. “Never thought I’d long for a simple Johnny Mack drama. ”   “Yeah, that does seem like ages ago, doesn’t it?” Ruthie said. She paused, and I knew where she was going. “Tell me about Noah. ”   I felt the stab to my heart and the strength ebb out of my bones. “I don’t know. ”   “Well, last I heard—”   “Yeah, that was a mistake,” I said, remembering the summary I’d given her and not wanting to revisit it. I didn’t even want to revisit the last hour. That was torturing me enough.   “And so what was today?” she asked, eyebrows raised.   “Shayna—oh, crap, that’s right,” I said, leaning forward. “You don’t know. ”   “Hell, no, I don’t know!” she said. “I’m in the Land of the Lost over here. ”   I held up my hands in surrender. “The baby isn’t Noah’s. ”   She tilted her head. “Say what?”   I relayed the Shayna visit with all the details I could.   “Holy hell,” she said when I was done, putting her hands over her face. “Even I feel sorry for him on that one. ”   “It’s so messed up. ”   “And the romp in the rain?” she said, gesturing to the door. “That was—what?”   I paused. Good intentions. “Me finding him in the park,” I said.   “Because that was your obligation?”   I huffed out a breath. “No, Nana Mae, that was me looking to help a friend who was hurting. ”   “By falling into his mouth. ”   I stared at her. “So—my daughter’s having sex right now. ”   She paused and raised her eyebrows as she looked down. “Better subject?”   “Frighteningly so,” I said, closing my eyes. “I just hate sitting here waiting. I need ice cream and a blanket. ”   “Wow, desperate measures,” she said, then winked and shook her head. “Jules, she’ll be fine. Seth will find her. He’s amazing, by the way. ”   Warmth spread through me at the mention of his name. He was amazing. Not that I had anything to do with it. His adoptive mother deserved the credit for how she raised him. The child I raised was currently shacking up in a hotel and ditching school.   “Yes, he is,” I said. “Funny, smart, introspective. He’s so much like Noah, it’s eerie. ”   Ruthie hung her head. “And all roads continue to lead back to him. ”   “Ruthie, quit,” I said. “Please. This thing you have against Noah is—”   “Is completely justified,” she said. “Or do you not remember that?”   “I’ve been just as badgered by his dad for a choice I made at seventeen, Ruthie,” I said. “I chose to let my mom railroad me. He chose to leave. We both made mistakes. ”   Ruthie chewed her bottom lip. “I watched you go through twelve kinds of hell, Jules. And you were never the same again. ”   “That wasn’t all on Noah. ”   “God, Jules, do you hear yourself?” she said, swinging her legs down. “You will defend him to the hilt. ”   “What has he done so wrong?” I asked.   She widened her eyes. “Uh, I don’t know, ask Shayna?”   “The woman who lied to him. ” Which I realized was exactly the opposite tack I’d taken with Noah, but my fence was dissolving.   “Who he evidently almost cheated on if you almost slept with him,” she said. “So he’s no angel in this. ”   I covered my face with my hands, knowing there was some merit to her words and not wanting to hear any of it. “You don’t understand. ”   “I do understand,” she said. “Jules, you are one of the strongest women I know. No one gets through that wall you have. Except Noah Ryan. He is like fucking kryptonite. You completely lose all sense of yourself around him. ”   I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right. ”   Ruthie got up and knelt in front of me. “Sweetheart, you are my best friend and I love you. ”   “I love you, too,” I whispered.   “I know what Noah means to you. What he has always meant,” she said, squeezing my hands. “But he is dangerous when it comes to you. Neither of you have any control. And I don’t want to see you get hurt again. ”   There were tears in her eyes, and that broke my heart. She was wrong. I wasn’t the strong one, she was. She might look like a waif, but she was a Viking in disguise.   “I know,” I said, taking a slow breath in. “But Ruthie, you’ve got to trust me on this. And I know my history with him doesn’t warrant that,” I added when her expression changed. But we’re adults now, and we’ve both come to terms with how we got here. He’s not the bad guy anymore. ”   “He has someone,” she said without blinking.     I nodded. “Yes, he does, and I have no idea what he’s going to do with that. He’s messed up right now and conflicted. They were breaking up when she got pregnant, so—”   She scoffed. “He told you that?”   “She did. ”   Ruthie started. “That’s twisted, her talking to you about him. ”   “I guess I’m all she has here,” I said. “Which is getting exhausting. ” I squeezed her hands again to refocus. “Anyway—there are other issues in the fire, too. He has job options that he might take, he doesn’t know what’s going down with Shayna yet—and I’m not part of the equation. ” Ruthie gave me a skeptical look. “Seriously,” I said. “I told him to figure things out. ”   “Wow. ”   “Yeah,” I said. “So quit with the kryptonite and trust me. ”   Ruthie chuckled. “And if he leaves again?”   My heart will shrivel into a prune. “Then he leaves again. ”       • • •       Four hours later, I was useless.   I checked my phone for the sixty-seventh time, cursing myself for not getting Seth’s number. No answer from Becca on my nine texts and thirteen unanswered calls. All I had was eight texts from Hayden, the one person I did not need to hear from.   It didn’t escape me how much I wanted to see or hear from Noah. We’d never exchanged numbers, so there wouldn’t be anything from him, but I was craving it. Crap, Ruthie was right. I was a hopeless twit when it came to him.   Unable to stand the menial tasks of the day any longer, I told Ruthie I was going for a walk—in the rain, which she knew was bunk but just nodded. And I went next door. Not that there would be anything soothing there, but I needed the distraction.   Wondering what went down with Becca had my stomach churning. Wondering what went down with Noah and Shayna—well, Ruthie was right in one respect. That wasn’t my business.   I pulled open the door, oblivious to the delicious aroma of what the chalkboard specials said was gumbo, and wandered in slowly. What was I doing there? Linny spied me and headed my way with a wink.   “You meeting them?” she asked, gesturing with a tilt of her head. “They’re over in the corner. ”   “Them?” I asked, confused.   “Becca and Seth,” she said. “I’ll bring you a menu if you want. ”   “Shit,” I muttered, heading their way and waving a hand back at Linny to let her know I wasn’t cursing at her.   There they were, languishing in the far corner booth, and my steps faltered as I watched them together. My kids. My beautiful babies, laughing at something, unaware I was watching. Looking like they’d grown up together. If I could have stopped time and taken a picture of the moment, I would have.   Seth looked up, however, and the moment passed. He nodded and I approached slowly, taking measured breaths as I slid into the seat next to Becca.   Her expression went from open to closed in a split second. Glorious.   “Hey, Bec,” I said.   “Please, don’t start,” she said, making my hackles go up immediately.   Seth sat back and shook his head. “Dude, who was in the wrong here?” he said. “I told you, suck it up and own it. It goes better. ”   She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. “I’m sorry,” she said, eyes still shut as if she’d found some Zen place.   I glanced at Seth, who sat there like an instructor, arms crossed, waiting to see what she would do.   “For?” I said.   “Skipping school again,” she said softly and took another breath. “To be with Mark. ”   I was going to throw up. Right there in the basket of chips. I grabbed a cardboard coaster and mangled it instead.     “Becca, you—went way beyond that today. Not to mention ignoring my texts and calls. ”   “I know, Mom,” she said. “I’m sorry. I just—I had a lot on my mind. ”   “Oh, I can imagine you did,” I said, grabbing a chip and breaking tiny pieces off. “Did Seth mention who saw you?”   She leaned forward on the table. “Yes. ”   “Do you want to know how fun that was?”   Seth rested his hands on the table and pushed back. “Ladies, I’m gonna let you two talk,” he said. “I’ve got to get on the road home in about an hour, and I have some people to see first. ”   “Already?” Becca said, frowning.   He reached across and bumped fists with her. “I’ll be back,” he said. “We’ll work something out. I’ll come visit, you can come visit, whatever. We’ll keep in touch. ” He smiled crookedly, sending me down the Noah Express again. Ruthie would slap me. “I’ve got a little sister now, with lopsided hair. I have to keep up with that. ”   Becca smiled and took out her phone. “Selfie before you go—come on,” she said, nudging me out with her elbow.   I moved before I was pushed out on my ass, and she slid next to Seth so they could put their heads together for the picture. He nodded toward me as they stood. “Take one of us, Becca,” he said, looping an arm around my shoulders. I knew quite well what I looked like after the rain escapade and my hair drying on its own, but I didn’t care. I hugged his waist and smiled. I had a hundred pictures of him with other people. Now we’d have two at least that would mean something. And the one with him and Noah that I hadn’t looked at yet. Didn’t let myself the night before, and for sure I couldn’t now. Not after—all that.   “You have my number, Bec,” he said, hugging her tightly. “Send those to me before you get your phone taken away. ”   “I will,” she said, hugging him hard.   “And use that number. I’m expecting it,” he said.   “I will,” she said, her voice a little wobbly. “Thank you. ”   Then he turned to me, reluctantly, as if he didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t either. But when we locked eyes, I was shocked to see genuine emotion in his.   “Thank you,” he said, grabbing my hand.   “Thank me?” I said, surprised. “I didn’t do anything, baby. You were the brave one coming here. And doing this today? God, Seth, thank you. ”   “No, you made it easy,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “I didn’t know what I would find here, and you made it all—okay. ” His eyes misted. “I honestly feel like I have another family in my life now, and I didn’t expect that. ”   Oh, holy hell, that did me in. Tears filled my eyes. “I’m so glad you feel that way,” I said. I smiled up at him and laughed as they spilled over onto my cheeks. “I know, I know, I’m a walking waterfall. ”   He grinned and hugged me so tight, it was all I could do not to completely break down. I was holding my son. My son, the man. When we pulled back, he swiped at his own face.   “I don’t want to sound condescending or go all parental on you,” I said. “But, Seth, I am so proud of the man you’ve become. ” My voice choked on the new tears that wouldn’t be denied. Especially when his face struggled to hold his in. “You tell your mom and dad—thank you for me,” I said. “For being such fantastic parents. ”   My voice caught on the words. I heard Becca sniffle behind me, and Seth lost the fight. He blinked tears free from reddened eyes and nodded as he wiped them away quickly.   “Damn, you two can even make me cry,” he said on a laugh, and Becca laughed with him, going to hug him again. “Not many people can break me like that. ”   The words sent goose bumps down my back, echoing Noah’s from that very morning.   “Well, I have to go say some other good-byes and go by Nana Mae’s and Noah’s, still,” he said, making another pass at his face. Crying was embarrassing him. I’d become accustomed to it.     “Oh—um—something to be aware of there,” I said. I filled him in quickly on the whole Noah-Shayna-baby debacle so he didn’t say anything awkward.   “Wow,” he said, scrubbing hands through his hair. “That sucks. ”   “Yeah. ”   He narrowed his eyes and darted a glance toward Becca, then me. “So—I don’t want to sound condescending and go all know-it-all on you,” he began, making me laugh, “But you and Noah—”   “Oh, seriously?” Becca said, contorting her face.   “Go check your Facebook while you can,” I said, giving her a way out of the ick factor. She took the out, dropping back into her seat.   Seth chuckled and then met my eyes again. “I’ve only known you and Noah for less than two days now, and I can see it. ”   I averted my gaze to the floor. “So I’ve heard,” I said. “It’s just complicated. ”   He nodded. “Well, I’ve been told that sometimes the harder, complicated relationships that you have to fight for are the ones worth something,” he said, bringing my gaze back up. He had a small grin on his face as he held his palms up. “Or something to that effect. But hey, not my business. I can go check my Facebook too. ”   I grinned through my tears. “Point taken. Can we talk about your love life now?”   “Leaving,” he said, backing up.   I chuckled. “What I thought. ”   He stepped forward again quickly with a glance toward Becca, leaning over in my ear. “She didn’t do the deed, by the way. Listen to her. Let her talk. ”   I widened my eyes as he backed up, smiled, said another good-bye to Becca and headed for the kitchen to see Linny and Johnny Mack. Watching him walk away pulled at my insides, tearing at me as if he were an infant all over again. I clamped a hand over my mouth to hold it in, and then I felt an arm through mine. Turning, I met Becca’s eyes, full of tears too. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her like there was no tomorrow.