Scars and Songs

  No, I can’t let her go. “Grace, please, I’m not the person you think I am! Shit, Grace! Get back in here!” I screamed as she climbed out of the Jeep.

  When she fell out into the snow, she stuck her head back in the car and yelled, “I’m a fucking novelty to you, just because no other girl has ever had the self-esteem to say no to you!” She pulled her head back out and lifted herself up onto the roof of the Jeep as if she was some sort of fucking bionic woman. Holy shit, how the fuck did she do that? Fumbling, I tried to open the door, but the snow was too deep outside my door too, so I kicked and kicked at it until it opened just enough to get my whole body through, just like she did. By that time, Grace was on the roof of the Jeep trying to jump off.

  I grabbed her flailing arms, and dragged her off the Jeep’s roof and into the snow. “Get away, Shane!”

  I lifted her up and tossed her over my shoulder like a damn two year old. Carrying her, I climbed the snowdrifts, as she pounded her fists hard against my back. Cold. Cold fucking wet snow was everywhere. Everything was white. Where the hell was I going to take her? She was going to freeze that perfect little ass of hers off out there. When I found an area sheltered by a tree, I eased her slowly off my shoulder, sliding her down the front of my body. It was like warm butter melting over me, I just about came undone. She tried to walk away sobbing, but I held her tight against me with one hand on the small of her back and the other grasping her neck through a fistful of that thick sexy hair of hers.

  She grasped her fists in my shirt and clung to me silently, crying into my chest. Pressing her body into me, I knew I had to tell her. I had to tell her everything.

  I gently tugged her hair back and lowered my mouth down to hers, kissing her once on the lips. I brushed my lips along her soft cheeks to her ear and whispered, “Go ahead, Grace, ask me what dreams I wake from at night.” I pulled my head back, fixed my eyes on hers, pleading with her to believe me. “I wake up with you as the last thought in my dreams. I dream about your lips, the smell of your skin and hair, and the freaking fire that burns inside of me to be inside you. I want to bury myself inside you and never climb out, my sweet death. Grace, I’m so fucking in love with you.”

  She pulled me in closer and blinked back tears. “In another life, Shane, if I was anybody but me, I would have loved to be loved by you.”

  Um, what the hell did that mean? I seriously looked down at my chest to see if the Goddamn knife that I just felt had actually been real and pierced right through my heart. Her rejection literally hurt me. It hurt my chest and made me want to tear off my skin and bleed out all over the pure white snow. This isn’t real.

  Yet, Grace still clung to me, eyes wide with tears. I held on to her as if it was the last time I’d ever get to touch her. A burning scorched at the back of my throat and I felt the need to gag. I looked away from those beautiful silver eyes that I loved and my heart broke even further when I heard the distinct sounds of the motor of a snowmobile.

  I stepped away from her and raked my hands through my wet, snow-covered hair. Two snowmobiles appeared out of the blinding whiteness and skidded to a halt in front of us. No. God, please no. I can’t do this punishment. I can’t be here and not have her. I can’t be this close to her and not love her.

  Sitting on top of one of the snowmobiles was Tucker who lifted the stupid visor to his flaming red helmet and yelled, “Hey, baby! There’s nothing to fear. Your superman is here.” Then the fucknut winked at her.

  The visor to the second snowmobiler was lifted and Blake’s drug addict blue eyes peaked out. He rolled his eyes, jumped off the snowmobile and reached his hand out to Grace. My insides almost exploded when she took his hand and let him help her straddle the snowmobile, then got on behind her. Wasn’t she just fucking straddling me? AND why is she smiling at him like THAT?

  Rage surged through my veins making me break out into a cold sweat and ball my hands into tight fists.

  I growled and waded through the deep snow back to the Jeep and yanked the passenger side door open. I pulled our packs and jackets out, and slung both our guitar cases over my shoulders. Then I climbed back over the snowdrifts to Blake’s pansy-ass colored snowmobile. I angrily glared into her eyes, and shoved her jacket into her arms, “Here you go, wouldn’t want you to get any colder than you already are.”

  Grace’s eyes widened at my words and tears filled them again. Why was she crying if this was her choice? Why was it hurting her NOT being with me? She looked down at the ground, pulled on her coat and zipped it up. Blake wrapped one arm around her waist and the other on one end of the handlebars. He took off without even waiting for her to hold on. Major fucknut.

  I stood there, with everything in my arms and talked myself into not walking in another direction, completely away from Grace.

  “Dude, did my cousin just jump on my shit?” Tucker asked.

  “Grace isn’t your shit, Tuck. And it sure as hell doesn’t look like she wants to be your shit anytime soon.”

  “Hey, dillweed. It doesn’t look like she wants to be your shit either. That I can fucking see loud and clear.”

  Without having any other option, I was forced to ride bitch behind Tucker. On a snowmobile painted with bright red flames. While he wore the most feminine pink-flamed helmet ever, as I got to watch the love my life speed away with a piece of crap drug addict who she seemed to be smitten with. Damn it.

  Chapter 13

  Seems that Tucker wanted to get Grace away from Blake as much as I did, because he drove his snowmobile so fast, we almost slammed into the back of Blake’s snowmobile before I saw her jump off and run to Lea who was waiting on the porch for her.

  I caught up to her, shivering violently in the foyer, while Lea tried to hug her. I dropped all of our belongings on the floor in front of me, closed my eyes, leaned back and rested my head against the wall. Without looking at Grace or Lea, I just whispered “Lea, get her out of those wet clothes.”

  “I’m fine,” Grace stammered. Even with my eyes closed, I could tell how cold she was by the sound of her teeth chattering.

  I snapped my eyes open and glared at her. “You’re impossible!” I stalked towards her, picked her up with one hand, and flung her over my shoulder, ass to the ceiling, again. “Bring the bags for me, will you? My hands seem a bit full,” I said, locking eyes with Lea.

  I carried Grace through the house, down a long hallway and into a dark room. Lea switched on the lights and I threw Grace down on a beautiful king-size four-poster bed. “Get out of your clothes,” I seethed. Rage washed over me in thick heavy waves. She sat there with a defiant look across her cold, pale, shivering face. “Do you know what hypothermia is? Get out of your clothes!” I yelled.

  She clamped down on her chattering teeth and began taking off her sneakers and socks. My eyes never left her, as I peeled off my own wet shirt and pants and stood in my ice-cold boxers in front of her. “I meant every word I said, Grace. And you cannot sit there and tell me that you don’t feel the same.” I looked away from her stoic expression and leaned over my bag, searching through it for dry clothes.

  Before I could stand up straight, she picked up her bag, and walked into the bathroom, clicking the lock on the door. I rushed up to the door and tried the knob, but I knew before I even put my hand to it that it wouldn’t turn. I thumped my head against the wood and my stomach clenched with the thought of her not being with me. “Come on, God. How can this be wrong? It feels too right. Please, I don’t want to do this shit anymore,” I whispered.

  I kicked at her door softly and continued dressing. I packed up my bag when I was done, threw my crap in the next empty room and went to find Lea.

  I didn’t have to look too far, because she was waiting at the end of the hallway for me.

  Her face was covered in concern, “What the hell, Shane?”

  “No. You tell me what the hell, Lea? Why the hell does she want Blake all of a sudden?”

  “I don’t know. I thought you and her would…”
br />   I stalked past her and into the living area where everyone was waiting, “Yeah, well you thought wrong. She doesn’t want me so she pulls me close, holds on to dear life and lies to my fucking face.” Everyone looked up when I walked in from being with Lea in the hallway. “I’m going to the resort bar on those stupid snowmobiles and I’m getting so drunk that I can forget the damned person I am when I look in the God forsaken mirror.”

  Brayden hung his arm over my shoulder and Tucker nodded his head. Blake took up the rear and the four of us walked out of the cabin and jumped onto the snowmobiles. I was surprised that Blake didn’t feel the need to wait for Grace. What the hell game was he playing?

  The bar was packed, despite the blizzard raging outside. People were dancing to someone horribly singing karaoke, crowded around the bar ordering drinks, and every table was full with laughing noisy drunks. I itched to start a fight.

  Brayden grabbed a huge empty table in the back and pulled in enough chairs for everybody to sit. Tucker and Blake ran to say their hellos at the bar and came back with three bottles of whiskey, a bunch of glasses and a beer for everyone. Perfect. I felt like drowning myself tonight, and the bottom of an empty whiskey bottle was the perfect place as any to do just that.

  After three shots and a beer, my gut twisted when Grace walked through the crowd. I broke a wooden spindle off the back of the chair when I watched Blake and Grace’s eye meet and the glow that lit up her face. I slammed back my drink, draining the last of my beer and then slammed the bottle on the table. Hard and loud. Everyone at the table stopped their conversations at the jolting noise it made. I stood up, looked around me for the first time and noticed some chick sitting next to me. I grabbed the girl’s hand, fixed my stare on Grace and walked the girl out to the dance floor. The girl looked back at her friends, waved and giggled. Come on, really?

  Grace didn’t look away. Her perfect plump little lips made a shocked little ‘O’ shape and her features darkened. If she didn’t care, why was she mad? I grabbed the girl’s waist and started dancing really close to her. Grace watched. Stunned.

  “Wow, I can’t believe I’m dancing with Shane Maxton from Mad World,” she squeaked. Oh, crap. Did I freaking need this right now? No.

  She ran her claws all over my body and started dry humping my leg. Yea, this is fun. I choked back vomit as the girl kept rubbing herself on me. My eyes never left Grace’s.

  “Aren’t you going to ask me my name?”

  “Nope.”

  “Wait, what?” She stopped dancing and tried to pull my chin away from facing Grace’s direction. Grace squeezed her eyes shut, covered her hand over her mouth and looked away. Fuck, I can’t do this if it hurts her. Why the hell can’t she be with me if this affects her?

  “Why did you want to dance with me if you didn’t even want to know my name?”

  I looked at the girl for the first time. She was adorably cute and innocent. “Shit, I’m sorry, but did you see that girl who walked in before I grabbed your hand?” She nodded. “I’m so fucking in love with her that I can’t see straight. And she is smiling at some other guy, and when I told her I loved her, she…”

  “Oh, I get it. Would you like to make her jealous?”

  “No. No, I don’t want that…I didn’t mean for that to happen. I just…shit. What the hell am I doing?” I spun around on the dance floor to walk back to Grace.

  Blake and Grace were dancing right in front of me. Blake held her close and she danced with her arms wrapped around his neck. Someone was singing Karaoke to Adele’s Someone Like You, and Blake noticed me watching them, winked at me and roughly grabbed her chin and pulled her lips up to his. His mouth devoured her and I wanted to kill him, then he spun her around to face me. Blake pulled her closer against him and kissed that neck that I love; pulling her hair that I dream about splayed across my pillows, and trailed his lips over it.

  Her face looked stunned and a tear fell from her eye.

  I swallowed the hard sharp knot that was caught in my throat and watched Blake slide his hands around to the front of her shirt. He lifted the fabric, placing his hands on the bare skin of her stomach, the stomach that I had my hands on just a few hours ago. I looked back into her eyes and more tears fell. The hell with this. I surrender. I put up my hands, turned around and slowly made my way through the bar towards the front door. I wasn’t going to suffer and watch her do this. I’m out of here. I’m done with this. She definitely wasn’t anything like my Selah. Selah would never do that shit to me.

  The crowd was so thick it took me a few minutes to find my way through.

  When I finally reached the front door to the bar, I heard Grace’s voice sing over the Karaoke machine. Of course, the crowd was so amazed by her voice they went quiet. My heart pulled when I turned and looked at her. It clenched in my chest when I saw she was singing it just to me. Katy Perry’s The One That Got Away. I didn’t understand this.

  I flung the doors open to the howling wind and snow outside. I jumped on the snowmobile that I rode to the bar and I felt a small body slide in behind me.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked the girl behind me.

  “Well, I can’t leave you alone after seeing the girl you are in love with suck face with another guy. So just drive.”

  I hopped off the snowmobile. “Look, there is no way in hell anything is going to happen between you and me tonight. So just stay here with your friends, okay?”

  “No way, you shouldn’t be alone. Even if nothing happens between us, I could always lie to my girlfriends and tell them some awesome stories about how hard you made me come.”

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Whatever, I don’t have time for this shit.” I hopped on Tucker’s snowmobile and left her.

  The nut followed me on another snowmobile.

  When we got to the cabin, I tried to slam the door in her face but her body was halfway in. I paced the living room area and called her every insult I could think of to get her to leave me the fuck alone. Then I sat next to her on the couch and for a good fifteen minutes, tried to explain that I wasn’t going to have anything to do with her.

  She laughed and showed me her tits.

  When the front door opened, she covered herself and Grace and Blake stumbled through the door. Blake laughed as his eyes narrowed at me. “Crap, I thought we’d have the house to ourselves,” he sneered.

  I jumped off the couch and stormed over, putting my body between them. “I want you to come with me, Grace.” I held out my hand and touched my fingertips to her chin.

  She flinched back. “Are you serious, right now? What, am I supposed to join you and your friend over there?”

  I leaned in closer. “Don’t do this.”

  Blake yanked her away from me, “Take a step back, Shane, this has nothing to do with you. You have a pretty girl over there,” he said, pointing to the girl quietly sitting on the couch. I still hadn’t asked her name.

  I reached out for her again and touched my hand to her elbow. Her eyebrows pulled together and her silver eyes pleaded with me. But I couldn’t figure out what they wanted me to do, all I know was that they needed me to do something.

  Blake stepped closer to her and shoved her body behind his. That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It was too harsh, too violent, but Grace said nothing. “Back the fuck up, Shane, she’s with me,” he growled.

  I stepped even closer to Blake, staring him right in the eyes. “Let her decide,” I snapped back. I leaned past Blake and grabbed her by both wrists. “Come with me,” I said to her. She leaned toward me.

  “Okay, that’s enough. Get the fuck away from her,” Blake screamed. Grace looked down at the floor, breaking our eye contact with each other.

  Then she pushed off Blake with tears in her eyes, “I’m not a fucking pretty little shiny toy, both of you get the fuck off me!” She looked at me deadpan, all feeling gone. “I’m going with Blake into my room. You seem to have a visitor with you that you’ve forgotten about.??
?

  No. No, no, no.

  “If you do that, you’re like every other girl that you fight so hard not to be.”

  “You know what, you’re a fucking asshole!”

  I laughed. I had to, because it was better than being a pussy and doing what I was really fighting myself from doing, which was crying like a little bitch. “In the past few weeks that I’ve known you, you’re called me a hell of a lot worse.” I raised my hand to her face one last time and gently touched her cheek. “Call me anything you want, as long as you don’t do this. This isn’t you.”

  She stepped back from my hand. “What? You’re here to save me, Shane? I’m sure the answer to all my problems is to lower my standards and go with you and your friend.”

  With tears pouring down her face, Blake pulled her down the hallway. I watched as she walked backwards with her eyes on mine and closed herself in her bedroom with Blake.

  I stood there broken. Watching the closed door. How can you fight for someone who doesn’t want you? My hands wrapped around the vase that was on the table I was standing next to. It was such a beautiful thing. I smashed it hard in my fist against the wall. The sharp glass sliced my hand open. The pain felt good, it was intense and clear. It was the only thing I knew and the only thing I could understand.

  “Oh my God, Shane! You need to get that looked at!” the squeaky voiced girl yelled.

  I looked at her and laughed. “Come on. Let me get you back to the bar, so I can deal with this without an audience.”

  The girl followed me out with a terrified look on her face. Good. She should be fucking scared. I pulled her onto a snowmobile, drove her to the bar, and hauled her ass off my seat as quick as I could. The engine of the snowmobile sputtered and stopped. I probably turned the engine over a dozen times to get it to start again. Damn, if he was screwing her already, I didn’t know what the hell I would do to him.