Scars and Songs

  We started a slow-paced jog and headed toward Central Park.

  The park was filled with crowds of people. Some were jogging, some practicing Tai Chi on the grass, some were tourists pointing and smiling; and it was just the beginning of an icy cold February. That’s one of the things I loved so much about living in New York City; you can walk right out your front door and the world was laid out in front of you. So many different people. In a backwards way, it reminded me of heaven.

  It didnʼt take me long to lose my train of thought and start thinking about those silver eyes again. Damn. “So, that girl from last night is Leaʼs old roommate?”

  Conner tilted his head towards me while he ran. “Yeah, the girl you gave your shirt to. Thatʼs Grace.”

  I didnʼt say anything else for a few minutes. Then, I couldnʼt help myself, “She got a boyfriend or anything?”

  He gave me a smirk, “Why? Are you interested in becoming one?”

  “No. I was just wondering about her having one. Tucker seems to want to marry her. Is she interested in him?”

  “No,” he said.

  “No what?” I asked.

  “No, she doesnʼt have a boyfriend,” he answered.

  “And...what about Tucker?” I pried.

  Conner laughed. “I donʼt think he has a boyfriend either, but it would explain a lot if he did.”

  I laughed along with him. It would explain a lot. “Yeah, man. I bet heʼs got a crush on Alex.”

  “Hey, now,” he continued laughing. “Donʼt knock it. Alex is hot!” We stopped jogging, because we were laughing so much. We parked ourselves on a bench and just watched the rest of the runners pass us by.

  “So, do you think she might like Tucker?” I had suddenly come down today with chronic verbal vomit of the mouth.

  “Is this your ass backwards way of asking about her? What the hell, are you twelve again?”

  I ran my hands through my hair, yanking hard at the ends. “I canʼt get her out of my mind, bro.”

  He watched me carefully. “Look, Shane, Grace is really great. Sheʼs smart, nice, pretty...all that stuff and more. But I donʼt think you are her type. Besides, sheʼs got a lot of family problems sheʼs going through right now, so I doubt dating Tucker or anyone is on her mind at the moment.”

  Shoving me in the shoulder he asked, “Hey, how was that blonde last night? I was hoping that she and Lea were going to get into a cat fight and start ripping each otherʼs clothes off.” I guess I did a good job at making sure all my friends thought I was just a regular human jerk all this time.

  We laughed and raced each other back to the apartment. Lea was still on the couch reading and Grace still wasnʼt around. Ripping off our sweaty sweatshirts, we threw them at Lea, and then we fought each other into the kitchen, trying to get through the door at the same time.

  “Immature idiots,” Lea called us sweetly from the other room. “Hey, Conner, get me a cup too. I waited for you boys!”

  I watched Conner make two cups of coffee and traipse out to Lea like a man in love. I pulled my sweaty undershirt over my head and hung it around my neck. Pouring myself some coffee, I wondered if Conner knew how lucky he was. I leaned against the counter and looked up to the ceiling. The sounds of Conner and Lea giggling echoed softly to my ears.

  Thatʼs when she walked in.

  A wild tangle mess of sexy black hair blocked her view of me. She padded in barefoot, toes painted dark red. Her legs were long and bare. My eyes inched all the way up them. She wore a tiny pair of boy shorts that made me want to cry. My tee shirt from last night hung loosely over one beautiful bare shoulder.

  She almost dropped her coffee when she turned and saw me standing there.

  For the briefest time, we stood there with our eyes locked onto each other, both of us half dressed. I could have sworn I saw something behind those eyes, some sort of shared loneliness that I knew all too well.

  Conner came in and broke through the heavy silence in the room. His voice seemed canny and high-pitched; it reminded me of the real Shane scraping his nails down a chalkboard when he was a kid. He rambled on about us going jogging.

  She just stared at me. I watched as her eyes flickered over me, yet she showed no emotion, no want, no need, and no interest. Nothing.

  I was standing across from her, forcing myself not to lessen the distance between us and devour her. My gaze shifted from her eyes to her lips, her throat, her collarbone, her smooth curvy legs...

  Conner rambled on. He could have been telling us that the apartment was on fire and I wouldnʼt have heard him.

  “You still have my shirt on,” I croaked. I wanted her to know how much that meant, how much I would have given to be the one to be wrapped around her all night keeping her warm. My cheeks burned with heat and I smiled at how young and alive I felt standing there in front of her. For the first time in this body, I actually felt really human.

  “Would you like it back right now?” she whispered.

  Conner shut his mouth. I leaned forward toward her. I didnʼt want her to take it off in front of Conner. She took my advance as a yes.

  “Sure thing,” she sang and hopped out of the kitchen, leaving her coffee behind. I exhaled like a man who had been holding his breath for years. She came back in with oversized sweats on and threw my shirt at me, smacking me right in the face with it. It plopped down into my hands.

  “Thanks again,” she said as she walked away. I looked at Conner.

  Conner shook his head, eyes wide. “Um, that was a tense moment. Seriously, I feel like I just watched you guys have sex with each other right in front of me. I feel dirty, and a bit horny now, thanks.” He poured more coffee into his cup and shook his head.

  I gave him a serious look. “You think sheʼs interested?”

  He frowned and sipped his coffee. “Shane, I think you should leave her alone. She knows you donʼt have a serious bone in your body. We warned her about you. Sheʼs not some skank you pick up in a bar because youʼre in a band, sheʼs my girlʼs best friend.”

  “But, it would be okay if she and Tucker hooked up?”

  “Dude, Tucker wants to get married and be normal one day. You, on the other hand…” he trailed off and offered me an embarrassed look.

  “Go ahead, finish your sentence,” I said.

  “Donʼt.” Conner walked into the living room and I followed. Lea and Grace seemed to be in the middle of a serious conversation, but it stopped as soon as we entered. Grace walked out of the room when she saw us; her eyes were red and welling with tears. Shit, I wanted to grab her and take her pain away. If only I was still an angel.

  “Everything okay?” Conner asked.

  I felt like a jerk; this had to be about me. “Did I piss her off? Shit, I didnʼt make her cry or anything did I?” I had to say something with more of Shaneʼs real personality, “She just asked if I wanted my shirt back. Thought maybe I could get to see her almost naked again!” Most of the time I hated the person Shane had been. When he was here, he was a self-serving, pathetic drug addict, the complete opposite of who Iʼd been. Being in his body was just like being in hell. No, actually, right now I would take the burning fires of hell over this.

  Lea jumped off the couch, her eReader dropping heavily to the carpet. “Shane, you are the biggest, egotistical, self-centered, man I have ever met. If you think for one minute someone like Grace would spend more than a second with you on her mind, youʼre more than stupid.” Her voice got louder. “Her brother died yesterday. Ass hat!”

  She ran out of the room and Conner went right after her.

  Ass hat? Her brother died yesterday?

  I was standing by her side in the kitchen before I even knew I moved. I balled my hands into fists so I could stop myself from reaching out to touch her. “Iʼm sorry...Grace, I didnʼt mean to be a smart ass. I didnʼt know about your brother, I didnʼt mean to...”

  She shook her head and sighed. She didnʼt even look at me.

  “Iʼm being serious, Grace, I know ho
w much it sucks to lose someone you care about.” I leaned in closer to her, it made me dizzy, but I wanted so badly to take away her sadness. If I was still an angel, I could have. “Look at me.”

  She turned her head and those breathtaking silver eyes were bright red and full of tears. My eyes diverted to her lips; I couldnʼt look at her tears, they were killing me. The most disgusted expression appeared on her face. Without knowing it, I must have done something else to offend her. Maybe it was for the best. Let her think Iʼm a self-serving pig, let her go out with Tucker or some other guy who could offer her the world, not a fallen angel without a heart to offer her.

  “It is what it is. You said nothing that affected me, Shane. Thanks for the condolences for my brother. Do yourself a favor. Donʼt bother trying to mess with my head; it’ll be a waste of your time. I won’t sleep with you. Just treat me like one of the guys and we’ll get along fine and then you won’t have to stand over me in a kitchen pretending you give a shit about anyone other than yourself.”

  A thousand thoughts slammed through my head. I wanted her. I needed her. This wasnʼt me. I wanted to drop to my knees and let her know I was once a god. I wanted to touch her lips to mine and take away all her pain. God, I just wanted to kiss her, feel her warm tongue against mine. Looking down at the floor, I let it all go. This life was another one of my punishments. There was no way Iʼd be allowed to have any comfort; any happiness, any hope. She must have been put here to punish me more. “Who said I wanted to sleep with you? Youʼre just one of the guys. I donʼt do guys.”

  Surprisingly, she cracked a beautiful smile and started laughing.

  I slid my hands off the countertop, dropped them to my sides and backed away from her. “Although, I have to admit. You are the sexist guy Iʼve ever met.”

  Then I walked out of the room before I threw myself on her and kissed her.

  I collapsed onto the couch and hung my head in my hands. My body shivered and I wasnʼt cold. It just wanted to be near her. So this would be my second visit to hell, huh? They couldnʼt contain me in my prison any longer and brought me back to earth. Made me think there was a chance at forgiveness, but there was only a reminder of what I could never have, a reminder of everything Iʼd lost and more.

  Conner and Lea made their way out into the living room again. Lea and I apologized to each other. They curled up on one of the chairs and cuddled. I watched them in awe.

  Grace came in a few minutes after and sat on the couch with me. Lea flipped through the channels on the television. Nope, no giant elephant in this room.

  My phone started going off immediately. A dozen text messages from Ethan telling me more about Tucker and his exploits from the night before.

  After a while, Grace stood up and went to the door, bent down and picked up sneakers.

  Lea sat up. “Where are you going? We were going to go to the bar again tonight around ten.” She gave a nod towards me. “His band is playing again. Want to hang out again? Iʼll let you get drunk this time and hold your hair back,” she pleaded.

  “Iʼm getting antsy. I thought Iʼd go for a run,” Grace answered, not looking up from putting on her sneakers.

  I gave up texting Ethan and tossed my phone onto the table. She likes to jog, huh?

  “Well, what about hanging with me tonight? We havenʼt seen each other in six months, and I missed you!” Lea whined.

  “I donʼt know. Iʼll see how I feel after my run. If youʼre not here when I get back, Iʼll text you.” She hurried out of the room and out of the front door.

  Conner and Lea looked at each other and then to me.

  Lea stood up, “I really donʼt think she should be alone with everything that just happened with her brother, Jake. Shoot, I hate going running with her.”

  “Iʼll go with her,” I offered. “Itʼll give you guys a chance to be alone. Conner told me he was horny in the kitchen.” I didnʼt wait for Lea to disagree with me or even laugh at my audacity. I just leapt to my feet and dashed to the door, picking my sweatshirt up off the floor on the way.

  Grace was stretching on the front steps when I walked out. Her perfect body bending and twisting; even in sweats, the girl was making my mouth water. I moved beside her and stretched along with her.

  She froze when she noticed me there. “What are you doing?” she asked with narrowed eyes.

  I didnʼt want her to think this was a weak move to get her to sleep with me, so I challenged her. “I thought Iʼd run with you,” I chuckled. “I figured you wouldnʼt care; you know since youʼre just one of the guys, and this is what I do with the guys. Unless you donʼt think you could handle it.”

  Her eyes narrowed more and that gorgeous sly smile appeared on her lips. “Iʼll try my best.” Then she bolted into a dead run.

  Not a jog, not a fast walk. A balls to the wall dead run.

  She headed towards Fifth Avenue; hooked a right and sped past the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She crossed into Central Park and started on the Reservoir Loop around the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir. I tried to keep up the pace, silently. Who was I kidding, there was no way I could run that fast and talk at the same time; that’s why I stayed silent.

  She ran the park loops twice. Holy shit, I completely understood why Lea hated to run with her; this was inhumane. We must have done twenty miles; running at full speed. My lungs ached and the stitch in my side was like a knife plunging in my gut continuously. But Grace, she looked like she had been relaxing on a freakin’ beach the whole time. For the last fifteen minutes of the run, I choked back the vomit that was threatening to splatter itself all over the path through Central Park I was running on.

  Dusk had settled over the city when she slowed down and jogged slowly to her building. She stretched her legs on the steps again. I watched as she moved her body fluidly, gracefully. I was filled with awe. I was also filled with pain from head to toe. I cleared my throat to make sure she knew I was still there.

  She spun around and regarded me what looked like a hint of respect.

  “Youʼre a runner, huh?” I said, trying my hardest not to pant or show how completely out of breath I was. It didn’t work, I stuttered and stammered, panting like a slobbering Saint Bernard all over myself.

  She squished up her face and gave me the most adorable exasperated expression Iʼd ever seen anyone give. “I said I was going for a run. You assumed that I wasnʼt man enough?” she asked.

  “Not many people surprise me, Grace, you just surprised the shit out of me.” She completely ignored me and unlocked the front door. I sighed to myself. I hated having to watch her walk away from me. “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight, for I never saw true beauty till this night,” I whispered.

  “Shakespeare,” she whispered back.

  I hadnʼt realized I quoted him out loud. Her expression was beautiful and haunted. I knew I needed to stay away from her; she would make me want to have a human life that I know I would never be allowed to have. I turned to walk away, but couldnʼt help myself and I turned back, but continued walking backwards. “Hey, you coming to the bar tonight?” I called to her.

  She stopped and turned around, “Maybe, I donʼt know, I have to see how I feel after a shower.”

  I felt the smile burst across my face. How could I not say something back to that? “Do you need help with that? Iʼd like to see how you feel after a shower too...”

  She slammed the door on me, but before she did, I saw her smile. Damn, she was beautiful.

  Chapter 4

  I walked home slowly. My body was screaming at me to shut down. I dragged myself into a hot shower and stayed under the stream for at least an hour. I gulped down more aspirin to try to numb my throbbing muscles.

  Hauling myself onto the couch, I sat with just a pair of jeans on, waiting until I had to leave for the show. My eyes blurred and my head swam, darkness engulfing me. The warmth of Selah’s soft hands in mine filled my dreams.

  However, it was Ethan’s huge hands that shook me awake.

>   It took me a minute to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to be doing. Realizing I had only a few minutes to get my stuff together before the gig, I jumped up and was surprised that my body felt rested and just a bit sore.

  Ethan and I made our way to the bar and commandeered our favorite table. I leaned back comfortably with a beer in hand. Alex, Brayden, Tucker, and Conner, showed up a few minutes later and joined us. I almost bit my teeth clear through my tongue, trying not to ask Conner if the girls were going to show up.

  The place just started to get crowded when I notice an insanely pair of sexy black leather boots walk through the front door. Her tight jeans showed off her curves and the way she walked through the crowd made every man in the room notice her. Grace was simply perfect.

  Tucker jumped up when he saw her. A stupid smile lit up his face; I wanted to punch it the fuck off.

  Conner grabbed their coats, hung them on the back of two chairs, and acted the part of gentlemen. She wore a flattering sweater that hung off one shoulder and her hair fell in thick wavy curls to her waist.

  Lea stood in front of the table and waved a hand towards us. “Grace, you didnʼt get to meet the rest of the guys last night. Of course, you know Tucker and Conner,” she said. “This is Ethan the drummer, and this is Brayden, the bass player; you know Shane already.”

  Alex came up to the table with a huge bucket of icy cold beers for everyone. “And thatʼs Alex,” Lea continued. “He plays rhythm guitar and keyboard.” Alex gave her a smile and raised his eyebrows. Lea grabbed Grace away from Alex and moved her into the seat next to Tucker. Tucker handed her a beer and leaned into her ear to whisper something to her. She gave him a smile that never reached her eyes and she whispered something back to him. Shit. Rage burned in my stomach. Tucker was looking at her with his beady little greedy eyes. He was practically eye fucking her in front of everyone and she was smiling back at him. I almost asked him how his threesome was from the other night, just so Grace would know what kind of a guy she was smiling at, but I decided not to be a douchebag. Yet.