Breaking Hammer

  with weapons at the ready.

  Aston was expecting us. He stood in the middle of the room, clutching the shirt of a boy, a handgun pressed to the boy's head. "Don't fucking think about it," he said. "Shoot me, and the boy dies."

  The boy whimpered quietly, tears streaming down his face. A stain appeared on the front of his shorts.

  Blaze stood beside me, both of our weapons drawn on Aston. He spoke calmly. "No one has to die here, Aston," he said. "Is this Ben?"

  "Yes," Ben whimpered. "I'm scared."

  "I bet you are," Blaze said. "We don't want you, Aston. We just want the kid. It's all we've come for."

  Aston smirked. "Then you're going to be disappointed," he said.

  "Now," Eddie said, from off to my right.

  Before I could blink, Javi had shot Aston in the arm that held the gun, then, in almost a seamless movement, crossed to the other side of the room and pinned him to the ground. Shit, he was good.

  Ben didn't move, just stood there, crying. I bent down as I approached him. "Ben," I said, in as gentle a tone as I could muster, "Your mommy sent us. We're here to take you to her."

  "My mom's here," he said.

  "She is?" I knew she should be, but my heart leapt in my throat, even at the thought. "Do you know what room she's in?"

  He shook his head. "I didn't see her. I heard them talking."

  "We'll find her," I said. "Don't worry now. You're going to be safe."

  I heard Manny yell from one of the other rooms. "She's in here!" Ben's hand in mine, he jogged beside me.

  "My mommy's in there?" he asked.

  "Yeah, kiddo," I said. When we got to the door of the room, I stopped short. Who knew what kind of shape she was in? I didn't want to traumatize the kid any further than he'd already been.

  Then Meia stood in the doorway, Squid and Diego behind her. Clad in a thin cotton shift, her face pale and bruised, swollen nearly beyond recognition, she didn't look like the Meia I'd left behind. I felt Ben's hand squeeze mine tightly. Shit, the kid was probably fucking terrified.

  "Ben." Meia put her hand to her mouth, and tears began to stream down her face. She fell to her knees on the floor. "Ben, you look so big."

  "Momma?" Ben let go of my hand and tentatively took a step toward her, then threw his arms around her neck. "Momma, you came to get me."

  "Yeah, baby," she said. "We got you."

  "Look, not to be insensitive and shit," Squid said, "But we need to get the fuck out of here."

  I nodded. We weren't out of here yet, but just seeing Meia in one piece, hugging her kid...I knew I'd done the right thing.

  A FEW DAYS LATER

  "Are you sure you want to be the one to do this?" Hammer asked me, his lips pressed so tightly together I swear they were starting to turn white.

  I laughed, the sound bitter. "Are you asking me if I want to be the one to murder the man who raped me, over and over, when I was a child? The man who kidnapped me after I became an adult, stole my child from my arms, and forced me to become his sex slave?"

  Hammer put his hands on my arms, squared my body to face his. "I'm not kidding, Meia. I wouldn't ask this if I wasn't serious. When I killed those men, the men who murdered April, it wasn't pretty. The rage took over, and it was fucking brutal. I thought it would fix everything. I thought it would get rid of my anger. But it didn't. It wasn't rewarding, the way I thought it would be."

  "I'm not under the illusion that killing Aston is going to solve everything, Hammer," I said. "But I have to be the one to do it. That right belongs to me."

  Hammer nodded. "I thought you'd say that." He led me into the room where they'd been holding Aston. Benicio's "kill room," Hammer had called it.

  Aston sat in the middle of the room naked, his hands and feet tied to a chair. His head lolled down, and he was barely conscious. Bruises of every shape and size covered the expanse of his body, mottled shades of purples and reds. His fingers were bloodied stumps, the damage so bad I couldn't tell if they were even there anymore. He moaned under his breath, this constant whine that sounded like a dying animal.

  I felt something stir inside me, but it wasn't empathy for him or his pain, or even sympathy at his state. It was something else, something dark.

  I wanted him to suffer for what he'd done to me. To my sister. To my son.

  Beside me, Hammer handed me a knife. He looked at me, his brow furrowed, and I grasped the handle, cool against my palm. As soon as I felt the blade in my hand, I knew I would do it. I wanted to watch him as he took his last breath.

  He deserved to die. I wanted to be the one to kill him. There was no pain too great for the man who had taken my childhood away from me, who had destroyed my innocence.

  I approached him, knife in my palm, my hands steady, my stride certain. He looked up at me, his lids heavy, drunk with the agony of the torture he'd experienced. I knew how that felt. Looking at him, I could feel my cheekbone throb, a reminder of where he'd hit me. I could taste him in my mouth, putrid on my tongue.

  He deserved everything he was about to get.

  He inhaled ragged breath, and then spoke, his voice barely audible in the room. "I...don't...regret...anything," he said. "You...fucking...cunt."

  If anything were to push me over the edge, it would be hearing Aston regret nothing, none of the abuse I had suffered, none of the horrors he had inflicted on so many women and children. Now, I was resolved to do what I was about to do. I smiled as I strode the last few steps to him, and touched the blade to his skin, directly beside his flaccid cock. The part of him that had caused me so much pain. "Goodbye, Aston," I said.

  Then I cut it off. With excruciating slowness.

  I felt like I was outside of myself, watching it happen from above, as I sliced into his flesh. His wail of pain sounded like it came from far away, distant, almost like a dream. When I finally had it finished, I stepped back, watching him bleed.

  There was so much blood.

  I unfurled my hand to look at the piece of him, and dropped it to the floor with the knife.

  I didn't need to look at the life drain from his body. It was done. The monster was gone.

  I turned away, his blood coating my palms, covering my clothes, and when I looked at Hammer, I was sure he would hate me. I was sure he would think I was a monster myself.

  What kind of a woman would do this?

  But instead, he put his arm around my shoulder and led me gently from the room. "Let's get you cleaned up," he said.

  "The body," I whispered, still numb from what I'd just done.

  "Benicio's men will take care of everything," he said, nodding toward one of the men who walked past us into the room. "We need to get you cleaned up here before we get you home. Martina will be waiting."

  MacKenzie’s nanny had agreed to stay with Ben while Hammer and I went out. Ben was already asleep; he never would have let me out of his sight otherwise. Since we'd left Thailand, he was attached to me at the hip. But that was just fine by me. Having him returned to me warmed my heart more than I could put into words, and I desperately wanted to make up for the time I'd lost away from him. Martina thought Hammer and I were going out on a date, and she'd shooed us out the door, telling us to stay out as late as we liked. I think she was just glad to think that Hammer was dating someone. If she knew what kind of a "date" she'd just sent us out on...I shivered a little.

  Hammer looked down at me. "Cold?" he asked. "It's normal, afterwards."

  After murdering someone, he meant.

  I shook my head. "I'm not in shock," I said. "I knew what I was doing."

  "I know," he said.

  I didn't look at him. "Do you think badly of me?"

  "Jesus, no, Meia," he said. "Aston deserved exactly what he got."

  Later that night, I lay in bed with Hammer, my head resting on his chest. He stroked my hair, let his fingers run down the length of my back.

  “It’s all going to be different now,” he said, his voice soft. “You’ll see.”

>   “Do you think I’ll be different?” I asked. “Do you think it’ll change me?”

  “Killing him?” Hammer said.

  I nodded. “Like it did with you. Made you more angry somehow.”

  Hammer rolled me over onto my back, kissed my cheek, then down my neck before looking up. “No,” he said. “I wallowed, for a long time, alone in my misery. You aren’t alone.”

  “I’m not alone,” I said, the words unfamiliar somehow. I was used to feeling that way. I wasn’t sure I knew how to feel otherwise.

  Hammer’s touch broke me out of my thoughts as he slid down my body, applying kisses along the tops of my breasts, then down the middle of my abdomen. He started to slide lower, then hovered for a moment, looking up at me. “You’re not going to be able to get rid of me,” he said, with a grin.

  I smiled, for the first time feeling free. “I wouldn’t want to.”

  TWO WEEKS LATER

  "Are you nervous?" Meia asked. She kissed me gently on the lips.

  "Fu -" I started, then looked to Ben, sprawled on the couch reading, paying no attention to us. "Yeah, I'm nervous. I haven't seen MacKenzie in months. She may not want to come back."

  Meia cocked her head to the side. "She wants to see her father. I'm sure of it."

  I sighed. "A lot has changed. I'm not sure how to even introduce you guys."

  Meia shrugged. "When it's time, you'll know. Don't rush it. Ben's still adjusting. I'm still adjusting. MacKenzie's been through a lot. She doesn't need dad's new girl dumped on her."

  I slid my arms around Meia's waist, and kissed her forehead. "You're more than just my new girl."

  "I know," she said. "But I'm happy to take things slow. After everything that's happened, slow is about my pace."

  "Okay, I have to get going, before I'm late," I said. "Ben, I'll see you later?"

  "Yeah, Hammer," he said. "Later."

  Meia smiled at him, then turned toward me, pulling at the t-shirt under my leather cut. She stood on tip-toes to kiss me again. "I love you, you know."

  Shit, I'd never get tired of hearing that. "I love you too."

  And I did. I never thought I'd love again, after April. Life had beaten me down pretty good. I thought there was no hope for me. I was trying to fight my way through, rid myself of all the rage I felt. But Meia had come along, and changed everything. She'd understood loss, and darkness. And rage and hate. She saw me. And she loved me in spite of it. Hell, she loved me for it.

  I loved all of her, every piece of her that was broken and battered and scarred. The scars made her all the more breathtaking.

  Her darkness was beautiful.

  "Dad!" MacKenzie yelled it loudly, as soon as she saw me, and my heart felt warmed by the sound of her voice.

  "Shit, you look so different," I said.

  She raised her eyebrows. "Greeting your daughter by swearing, dad? That's some good parenting." She held a serious expression for a moment, before breaking into a grin. "I'm just kidding, dad! Lighten up, will you?"

  Lighten up? MacKenzie had left a kid, and now I swear to God, she'd grown a full foot; her hair was long and bleached from the sun; and she was sporting an island tan. Jesus Christ. She looked like a different kid. I felt my eyes begin to tear up, and before I could think, I grabbed her and pulled her into a bear hug.

  "Dad!" she squealed. "This is totally embarrassing!"

  "Too bad," I said. "I haven't seen you in months. You're due a little embarrassment from your old man."

  "So," she said as we walked toward the luggage claim. "Have you thought about the horse you're going to get me?"

  "Oh, is that how it's going to be?" I asked.

  "Yeah," she nodded. "That's exactly how it's going to be."

  I smiled. That's exactly how I wanted it to be.

  A MONTH LATER

  "What is this," Ben asked softly, pressing against my leg as we entered the monastery grounds. It was too soon, I scolded myself. It would be a reminder of the time he was in Thailand with Aston. And even before that, while he lived with the Thai family on Aston's payroll.

  He was looking up, his eyes wide, at the buildings that surrounded the courtyard. As always, Sayadaw Tayza walked toward us, the same serene expression on his face. "This is your son," he said.

  "Sayadaw," I said, bowing my head. "This is Ben. My son." I handed him our token offering to the monks, and his eyes caught mine.

  "I am happy to see you here, Meia," he said. "I wondered if you were well."

  "I was not well for a while," I admitted. "I was lost."

  "But you are no longer lost," he said.

  I nodded, holding Ben's hand in mine.

  I was home. I was found. I knew it was a long road, the one that stretched out ahead of me, for me and for Ben. I wasn't under some kind of delusion that everything was going to be sunshine and rose petals from here on out. Nothing in my life had been that way.

  Until Hammer had given me hope. He had stepped into the darkness that surrounded me, that ate away at me from the inside, and he had joined me. I was no longer alone.

  HAPPINESS

  There is balm for the wounded, and there is bread for the hungry. There is water for the thirsty, and there is hope for the despairing. There is light for those in darkness...

  ~ The Gospel of Buddha, Carus' translation

  TWO YEARS LATER

  “Did we forget anything?” I paused by the passenger’s side of the minivan, running through my mental checklist.

  Stan, check.

  Holly, check.

  Suitcases for everyone, check.

  Road trip snacks, check.

  Cade’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

  “I think we’ve packed everything possible, so I wouldn’t worry too much,” Cade said, grinning. “Get your as- uh, rear end in the car and quit thinking about it.” He slid behind the steering wheel.

  I sat down, instinctively turning around to check on the kids in the back, already watching cartoons on their portable electronic devices. “God, they’re already wired up,” I said. “You remember when we were kids, suffering through road trips with no TV?”

  Cade grinned. “You’d rather listen to them bicker while we drive? It’s a small price to pay for sanity.”

  We drove out of West Bend, the rolling hills a blur of greens