The Story of The Black Grouse

THE LEK AND THE CHRISTENING.

  Ferstly, a berd fact that you will nae know. The only reason I know is because Mester Attenborough told me.

  “Yeah right Jemmy!”

  “Och! Are ye argein weth me! Heeeee? Heeee? Well come oootside and well see abooot that!”

  “Ok Jamma! Calm yersen daen now, would you like a drenk to soften those wee nerves?”

  “Och! Ayeee, daen’t mind if I dae! ... Well ye see, the Black Gouse, when mating in the lek, has problems weth wend. By that I dinnea mean the early morneng breeze, but the gas produced by the berds diet. It es actually called the black gross by locals. Sometimes the accumulated gaseous output gathers when there in no breeze, and people who have gone oot frae an early morneng barbecue, but in their tired absent mindedness, have forgotten the barbecue ... well all is not lost. Many a great barbecue has been had through the throwing of a loighted match into the lek. But, that’s of no consequence. Billie the Piper and the pre Grouse stood by the side of the lek, accepted by the berds. At the end of the scrapping and the mating of the strongest male bird, known as the ‘Walesa’ ... the Walesa flew onto pre Grouses head ... shrieked into the early morning, and shet on the pre Grouse’s forhead, a great great honour. Bellie the Piper was crying as a Keng was born. As the poo dripped off the Grouse’s nose, he raised his arm ente the air and gave out his call, “Black Grouuuuuse-i am! Och-aye!”

  All the berds shrieked and Belklie the Piper played Scotland The Brave, minus two notes of course ... it sounded disjointed, bet ok.

  The Black Grouse was born. Welliam Wallace and Jemmy Boyle and Rabbie Burns faded entae the background.

  Och gosh ... ah need the loo before ah carry on.