The Best of Archy and Mehitabel

  to discuss one or two

  business matters with you

  quite seriously

  in the first place i need

  some sort of head gear such as

  football players wear

  i have to butt each

  key of the typewriter

  with my head

  and i am developing

  calluses on my brain

  these calluses on my

  brain are making me cruel

  and careless in my thoughts

  i am becoming brutal

  almost human

  in my writings

  and then i would like

  a little automobile

  i have to go from place

  to place so much

  and then i would like a little automobile

  picking up news for you

  a clock work one would do

  with a chauffeur to keep it

  wound up for me

  and a lightning bug to

  sit in front and be

  the headlight on dark nights

  i hate to mention food boss

  it seems so sordid

  and plebeian but i no longer

  find any left over crusts

  of sandwiches in your

  waste paper basket i am

  forced to haunt the

  restaurants and hotels for food

  and this is at the

  imminent risk of my life

  unless i get these things

  i will quit you on

  november first is not the

  laborer worthy of his hire

  yours for economic justice

  and a living wage

  archy

  takes talent

  there are two

  kinds of human

  beings in the world

  so my observation

  has told me

  namely and to wit

  as follows

  firstly

  those who

  even though they

  were to reveal

  the secret of the universe

  to you would fail

  to impress you

  with any sense

  of the importance

  of the news

  and secondly

  those who could

  communicate to you

  that they had

  just purchased

  ten cents worth

  of paper napkins

  and make you

  thrill and vibrate

  with the intelligence

  archy

  and found all too late

  comforting thoughts

  a fish who had

  swallowed an angle worm

  found all too late

  that a hook was nesting

  in its midst ah me

  said the poor fish

  i am the most luckless

  creature in the world

  had you not pointed

  that out said the worm

  i might have supposed

  myself a trifle

  unfortunate

  cheer up you two said

  the fisherman jovially

  the first two minutes

  of that hook are always

  the worst you must

  cultivate a philosophic

  state of mind

  boss there is always

  a comforting thought

  in time of trouble when

  it is not our trouble

  archy

  inspiration

  excuse me if my

  writing is out of alignment i

  fell into a bowl of

  egg nog the other

  day at the restaurant down

  the street which the doctor

  says he is glad to

  hear you are keeping away

  from and when i

  emerged i was full of happy

  inspirations alas they

  vanished ere the break of

  day i am sure they

  were the most brilliant and

  witty things that ever

  emanated from the mind of

  man or cockroach or poet i

  sat inside a mince pie

  and laughed and laughed at

  them myself the world seemed all

  one golden glory boss

  i came up the

  street to get all this

  wonderful stuff onto paper for

  you but when i tried to

  operate the typewriter

  my foot would slip and

  by the time i had control

  of the machine again

  the thoughts had gone

  forever it is the

  tragedy of the artist

  archy

  a close call

  thank you boss for the

  swiss cheese i hardly hoped

  for a whole one i

  took up quarters in it at once

  the little galleries and caves and

  runways appealed to

  my sense of adventure after

  i had made a square

  meal i lay down in the inner

  chamber for a nap feeling

  safe i had hardly composed my limbs

  for slumber when i heard

  a gnawing sound and squeaks

  of glee cautiously i

  approached the north gallery a mouse

  was there i hastily

  retreated thinking i would make

  my escape by way of one of the

  windows on the south facade another

  mouse was there the citadel

  in short was attacked on all sides mice

  mice mice coming nearer and nearer

  their cold blooded squeaks and the champing

  of their cruel teeth made the night

  hideous minute after minute i lay

  in the stokehold

  until the slow minutes grew into

  intolerable hours of agony great drops

  of perspiration broke through the callus

  on my brow i prayed for

  dawn or the night watchman suddenly

  into my retreat protruded a whisker it

  was so near it tickled me closer and

  closer it came it twitched i knew

  that it had felt me a moment more and

  all would be over just as

  i prepared myself for another

  transmigration mehitabel the cat

  bounded into the room and i was saved

  if you get me another cheese please

  put a wire cage over it

  archy

  immorality

  i was up to central

  park yesterday watching some

  kids build a snow man when

  they were done and had

  gone away i looked it

  over they had used two

  little chunks of wood for

  the eyes i sat on one

  of these and stared at

  the bystanders along came a

  prudish looking

  lady from flatbush she

  stopped and regarded the

  snow man i stood

  up on my hind legs in

  the eye socket and

  waved myself at her

  horrors she cried even the

  snow men in manhattan

  are immoral officer arrest

  that statue it winked

  at me madam said the cop

  accept the tribute

  as a christmas present

  and be happy my own

  belief is that some

  people have immorality

  on the brain

  archy

  archy reports

  ive got just one

  resolution for this year boss

  and here it is

  better stuff and more rhymes

  what have i got to look

  forward to otherwise if

/>   a vers libre poet is

  reincarnated into

  a cockroach what will

  a vers libre cockroach

  be reincarnated into i

  ask you

  i don t want to be

  a amoeba next time do i

  i sing the glad noo year

  thats tending toward the norm

  my song is one of cheer

  im going to reform

  see

  archy

  the demon rum

  well boss on these

  rainy days i wish i was

  web footed like a jersey mosquito no

  one has yet invented

  an umbrella for cockroaches i was

  pulled a piece of cheese rind over my head

  over across the street

  to the barroom you used to

  frequent before you reformed today

  and it was raining outside i

  pulled a piece of cheese

  rind over my head to

  protect me from the weather and

  started for the door as i

  passed by one of the booths a man

  who was sitting in it said to

  his companion please call a

  taxi for me where do you want to go

  said his companion i am

  bad again said the man i want to

  go to some place where they

  treat nervous diseases

  at once you look all right

  said his companion i may look all

  right said he but i don t see

  all right i just saw a piece

  of cheese rind crawling along the

  floor and as i passed by i

  said to myself beware the demon rum

  it gives your brain a quirk

  it puts you on the bum

  and gives the doctors work

  archy

  ancient lineage

  professor slosson

  says that the cockroach

  is one of the eldest of the

  creatures that inhabit

  the globe

  two hundred and fifty

  millions of years

  ago the cockroach

  existed just as he exists

  today of course it is

  very flattering

  to have this scientific

  testimony to my ancient

  lineage i can trace my

  ancestry back without

  a break to old adam cockroach

  himself but the real question is

  how much has the cockroach

  learned in two hundred and

  fifty million of years

  well i can tell you

  in a few brief words

  the cockroach has learned

  how to make man

  the so called lord

  of creation work for him

  the cockroach lives

  in peace and plenty

  while the human race

  hustles to support him

  all the social institutions

  of all time have existed

  merely for the purpose

  of forming a pyramid

  on the apex of which

  perches the cockroach triumphant

  it has taken us a long

  time but we point

  with pride to the achievement

  if you don t believe me

  read professor slosson s

  article

  archy

  the artist

  i called on some friends in a

  studio building the other evening and

  while we were foraging about

  for something to eat

  we got caught on a

  palette smeared over with all

  the colors there are

  leaping from this danger seven

  or eight of us

  landed upon an untouched canvas

  that stood upon an easel

  nearby waiting for the masters hand

  and we walked across the

  canvas on our way out of that

  place it seems that we builded

  better than we knew before

  we could get to any safer place

  than a spot behind a

  gas radiator we heard human footsteps

  approaching and an

  instant later two men entered the

  studio one of them switched on

  the lights and the

  other gave an exclamation of

  pleasure and astonishment by jove

  tommy he said to the owner of

  the studio what is this new thing

  of yours on the easel it is

  the best thing you have done yet

  i thought you were against

  modernism and all

  the new fangled stuff but i see

  that you have come over to the new

  school your style has

  loosened up wonderfully old kid

  i always said that if you

  could only get away from the stiffness

  and absurdity of the

  conventional schools you had the

  makings of a great painter in

  you what do you call this

  picture tommy

  well said tommy with rare

  presence of mind i have not

  named it yet it is not altogether in

  the newer mode you will observe i

  have been struggling for a

  compromise between the two methods

  that would at the same time

  allow me to express my

  individuality on canvas i do

  think myself that i have got more

  freshness and directness into this

  thing you have said his friend

  it has the direct and naive approach

  of the primitives and it

  also has all that is

  worthy to be retained of the

  reticent sophistication of

  the post pre raphaelites but what

  do you say you are going to

  call it it is said tommy as

  you see a nocturne i have

  been thinking of calling it

  impressions of brooklyn

  bridge in a fog and when his

  friend went out he stood and looked at

  the picture for a long time and

  said now i wonder who in

  hell slipped in here and did that it

  is nothing short of genius could

  i have done it myself when i

  was drunk i must have done so

  anyhow i will sign it and

  taking up a brush he did so well i

  stole a look at the canvas

  myself and it looked like nothing

  on earth to me but a canvas over

  which a lot of cockroaches had

  walked i may be a

  critic but still i know what i

  dont like yours for another

  renaissance of the arts every

  spring and every autumn

  archy

  destiny

  well boss here i

  am a cockroach still boss

  i have often been disgusted

  with life but now i am

  even more disgusted

  with death and transmigration i

  would rather not inhabit

  any body at all than

  inhabit a cockroachs

  body but it seems i

  cant escape it that

  is my destiny my doom my

  punishment

  when you struck me that

  terrific blow a few

  days ago and i

  died there at

  your feet my first

  sensation was one of glad

  relief what body will

  the soul of archy transmigrate

  into now i asked

  myself will i go

  higher in the scale of
>
  life and inhabit the

  body of a butterfly

  or a dog or a

  bird or will i sink

  lower and go into the

  carcase of a poison

  spider or a politician

  i sat on a blade of

  grass and waited and wondered

  what it would be i

  hoped it wouldnt be

  anything at all too soon

  because if you remember

  it was a hot

  day and as i sat

  on that blade of grass

  in my naked soul and

  let my feet hang over i

  was deliciously

  cool try it some of

  these hot nights leave

  your body in the

  bed and go up on the

  roof in your

  spirit and float around

  like a toy balloon its

  great stuff well while

  i was sitting there

  thinking what i

  would inhabit next if

  it was up to me

  personally i had

  a swooning sensation

  and when i came

  to i was in the

  flesh again dad gum

  it i lifted first

  one leg and then

  another to see what i

  was this time and

  imagine my chagrin and

  disappointment when i

  found myself inside

  another cockroach the

  exact counterpart of the

  one you smashed whats

  the use of dying if

  it dont get you

  anywhere i was so

  sore i went and

  murdered a tumblebug i

  suppose as a cockroach

  i was not good enough

  to be promoted

  and not bad enough to

  be set back boss a

  thing like that makes a

  fellow feel awful humble i

  came back to town in

  that special delivery letter i

  would rather dodge

  the thing

  they cancel stamps with

  all day than walk again

  say boss

  please thank my friends

  for all the kind

  words and flowers i

  must close in haste there

  is a new rat

  in your office since i

  was here last i

  wish you would sprinkle a

  little cereal in the

  bottom of the waste paper

  basket

  archy

  a discussion

  there is a good deal

  of metaphysical discussion going on

  amongst my own little group here

  i said freddy the rat was no

  more he expired at the moment he

  slew that tarantula well he had

  once been a human and had

  transmigrated into a rat just

  as i had transmigrated into a