Deep

  "I'm grounded?"

  "Babe." Anne winced. "That's not going to fly."

  "And you are never to talk to Ben again. He is clearly a very bad influence on you." The drummer continued, oblivious, sneering at his former friend. "Is that understood, Elizabeth?"

  Lauren snickered.

  "Yeah. Okay," I said.

  "Good."

  "Get out," I said, my voice quite cool, quite calm. A little tired, but hey, it'd been a long day.

  "What?" asked Anne.

  "I love you both very much," I said. "But I'd like you both to leave now, please."

  Her face fell and she took a step closer. "You don't have to handle this on your own. I get that things were stressed last night, but we do need to talk about this. I'm worried about you."

  "I know, and we will."

  A heavy sigh. "Will you call me tomorrow so we can talk?"

  "Yes."

  Anne gave me a slow nod. "Okay."

  With a faint smile, Sam rose from his position on the couch and squeezed past me, out the door. Or what remained of the door. I still needed a what the hell on that count.

  "Someone'll be by to fix it shortly, Miss Rollins," Sam said.

  "Thank you."

  "Holler if you need anything." Lauren left too.

  "Thanks."

  "But I don't want to leave," hissed Mal. Heated whispers continued on between him and my sister. He even brushed her hand off of his tensed, folded arms. "She doesn't know what's best for her. Not like we do. Me in particular."

  More whispers.

  "Well, does Ben have to go too? I'm not leaving unless he is."

  "Mal," I groaned. "Please? If I promise to come over tomorrow and talk to you both about it all, please will you go for now?"

  His eyes and mouth narrowed.

  "Pretty please?"

  "Fine." He slung an arm around Anne's neck, dragging her in against his body. "We know when we're not wanted. Don't we, Pumpkin?"

  "Eventually, yes." My sister gave me a small smile.

  "Thank you," I said, giving her free hand a squeeze before turning back to Mal. "And I need to know I haven't broken up the band."

  Mal scowled and snarled.

  Actions had consequences. I'd learned the lesson well. "Please."

  "Fine. But only because you asked so nicely. Outside of band business, he is dead to me," Mal said to Ben, motioning a finger across his throat.

  "Dude." Ben sighed.

  "I mean it. I'm really pissed at you, bro. You knocked up my new little-sister-in-law. This is way worse than the time you broke my bike trying to take that jump in middle school. And that was bad." The newlyweds headed for the door. "See you tomorrow at rehearsal."

  "Yep," said Ben, collapsing onto the love seat. His head fell back against the wall and he eyed me tiredly. "You gonna throw me out too?"

  "I probably should. Are you what happened to my door?"

  He wiped a hand over his face. "Yeah. Sorry about that."

  "I couldn't help but notice that it's kind of no longer attached."

  "I kind of broke it down."

  "Right." I wandered over and planted my butt in the black leather wingback chair opposite him. Mal and Anne had left me some seriously sweet furniture when they vacated the apartment. "Why, may I ask?"

  "Anne called, said she couldn't find you and you weren't answering your phone." He set one ankle on the opposite knee, his sneaker jiggling, constantly moving. "I got worried you were in here alone, freaking out about shit after this morning or something and refusing to talk to me."

  "Ah."

  "I overreacted." He wore his usual blue jeans and a T-shirt. Damn he wore them well. You'd think with my being pregnant that the hormones would settle down a little. But the silly things still burst into a happy dance every time he came near. It was ridiculous. I needed to gird my foolish loins, invest in a chastity belt or something.

  Instead, I stuffed my hands between my legs, squeezing my thighs tightly together.

  "We've got a problem," he said.

  "Yeah."

  "No, I mean a new one."

  "What?"

  He sat up, putting both feet on the floor. "Sasha didn't take my breaking up with her too well. Threatened to go to the media about you."

  "You broke up with her?" My heart beat double time.

  He paused. "Well, yeah."

  "Why?" Oh, hell. My mouth. I blurted out the question before I even stopped to think. "I mean. Okay, none of my business. I don't want to know."

  It wasn't hope firing to life in my belly. No way could I be that stupid. Again. It had to be something else. Maybe Bean had taken up water aerobics or something.

  Ben just kind of stared at me, stuck on pause for the longest moment. "Anyway."

  "Yes?"

  "You staying here on your own probably isn't a good idea. Especially now that the door needs fixing."

  "True."

  "Security is pretty shitty here anyway. So, I was thinking maybe it would be best if..."

  "If?" I sat perched on the edge of my seat, literally waiting with bated breath. He couldn't be about to ask me to move in with him. Into his actual personal space. No one ever hung out at his hotel room or wherever the hell he lived. I had to admit, I'd been curious. Plus, the thought of living with him made me break out in a cold sweat. "If what?"

  "If you moved in with Lena and Jim until we went on tour." His dark eyes never left my face. "I mean, I'm just assuming you'll come on tour now. You might not want to."

  "You want me on tour?" But he didn't want me in his place. How confusing and disappointing both. Or maybe he wanted me on tour to keep an eye on me, the old silly-young-Lizzy-can't-look-after-herself standard. Christ, it hit me: I was going to be a mother. Apparently, I was going to be a single parent, no matter what soothing noises he was making. Come what may, I could only depend on myself.

  "Figured with Anne planning on going, and Lena being pregnant too, that you might come," he said. "People will pack you up, all you'll have to do is get on and off a private jet every couple of days and then relax. These places have masseuses and whatever. There'll be doctors available to keep a check on you. I'll make sure you're looked after."

  "I don't know...."

  To stay behind with Anne and the other girls gone wouldn't make me happy. I guess making friends wasn't really my forte. After the early-teen nutso period, I'd pretty much kept to myself. Anne and I had perfected the art of putting on a normal home front. Anyone looking beyond it would not have been good, because clearly mom wasn't functioning as the responsible adult. When Anne left to go on tour, I'd basically be alone. But there was more than me and my lonely girl ways to consider. There'd been so many dubious tales about what happened on tour. Him and other women. I didn't need to see that. Not this year, or the next. The Sasha thing had hurt enough. Wonder why he'd dumped her?

  "I don't want to be in your way," I said, hands twining in my lap. "It might get awkward if we were in each other's faces every day."

  I got a caveman grunt. It sounded serious, of the deep thoughts variety. Didn't clue me into shit, however.

  "What do you think?" I asked.

  The face he gave me was complicated, brows drawn together but lips slightly apart. It seemed he was on the verge of saying something.

  Waiting.

  "Speak, Ben."

  He tensed. "I want you to come."

  "Why?"

  "To make sure you're okay, so I can keep an eye on you, so you're not here dealing with all this on your own. Lots of reasons."

  As reasons went, they weren't bad ones. But as Mal had pointed out, Ben had issues with follow-through. History dictated he would eventually change his mind and leave me high and dry. What sort of father would he be? Lord help him if he ever pulled that shit with my child. No matter his size, my rage would be epic.

  "Come on," he said, voice firmer. "We need to start figuring this out together. How to get along and be parents and everything. I don't want t
o be the guy Mal's accusing me of being. Give me a chance here, Liz."

  "I honestly don't know what's best."

  He hung his head. "Look, if you want to stay here, finish up school for the semester, I'll organize security for you. Take care of everything. It's your choice. I don't want to push you into anything."

  "Security?"

  "Yeah."

  "Wow." I patted my stomach, my smile not quite staying in place. "I keep forgetting I'm carrying a famous person's baby. The next-generation Stage Dive."

  He spread out his hands, a helpless kind of look in his eyes. At least he was here trying.

  It was up to me. "All right, I'll come. I was thinking of dropping out of school. I've missed so much, with morning sickness, and days can still be hit or miss. I don't like my chances of catching up with everything going on."

  A nod and a smile. His thick shoulders slumped like he'd finished fighting a war.

  "You want me to stay with Lena and Jimmy?"

  "I want you and the baby safe and looked after. Not that I'm not willing to be the one looking after you. It's just--"

  "It's fine. It's complicated with us not actually being a couple and everything. I get it." I leaned back in my seat, turning it all over inside my head. "Not that I don't appreciate the offer."

  His serious gaze revealed nothing. "Liz..."

  "Mm?"

  I waited, but he didn't continue. Thank goodness Bean would be a girl. (I could just feel it. Mother's intuition, etcetera.) Men were such a mystery. Not one I particularly cared to figure out at this point in time. Life had become busy enough. At least there'd been no further mention of lawyers. Baby steps--all puns intended.

  "I'll sort things out for myself. I'll go to Mal and Anne's," I said. "It's not long before the tour starts. He shouldn't be able to drive me crazy that fast."

  His brow furrowed. "You sure?"

  "Yes." I nodded.

  "'kay. But you'll let me support you financially, right?"

  "Look, I ran some figures through my head today. Given that the rent on this place is paid up, and with my work at the--"

  "Wherever you're going with this, the answer is no." The man leveled me with a look. Or tried to.

  "Excuse me?"

  "No, you can't go it on your own. More important, you don't have to. You've got me."

  "But I haven't got you, Ben. That's the whole point." I sat forward in the seat, willing him to understand. He opened his mouth, but mine was faster. "Please, just listen. I'm going to have a baby, and that is huge. It's so big, when I try to think about it I feel like my head is going to explode. But I'll deal with it all because I have to, because this baby is relying on me to. What I can't think about or deal with is you--you and your life and how this all affects it. Because I know, no matter what you say, that having this baby is never going to be your first choice. So then I feel guilty, and then I feel angry because I feel guilty, and then it's just a big ugly mess that I don't know how to deal with."

  "Liz." He scrubbed at his face with his hands. "Shit. It doesn't have to be my first choice. Having a baby now wasn't your first choice either--"

  "But--"

  "No," he said, hands gripping his thighs tight. "My go to talk. Your turn to listen. Please."

  I stopped, then nodded because fair enough.

  "Okay." His thick shoulders rose and fell on a deep breath. "This is our baby. You and me, we made it together, whether we meant to or not. Those are the facts. No matter how I might have liked my life to play out, this is what's happening. No fucking way am I going to be some douchebag absentee dad missing from my kid's life or letting another man raise him."

  "Or her."

  "Or her." He gave me a meaningful look. "Yes."

  I pretended to zip my lips closed.

  "Thank you." Yeah, his tone wasn't sarcastic at all. "And I'm not letting you do this alone, either. No matter what Anne and Mal think of me right now, I am sticking by you however I can. We're not together, but we'll figure it out. The best way I can help you right now is to make sure you don't have to worry about money."

  I took a deep breath, turning it all over inside my head. The man had a point. It would be nice to cross monetary concerns off the list. How many strings and complications the funds came with, however, concerned me. But he was Bean's father. If he did mean to be present, as stated, then I had to accept that, embrace it even.

  Give him the requested chance.

  "Worrying about you today, not knowing where you were or what was going on with you ... it got me thinking. This'll fuck with your life every bit, if not more, than it will with mine. We don't need to add lawyers to the mix, what with your connection to Mal and everything. We can keep this simple."

  "Hmm."

  "Stop frowning." He frowned.

  "I'm thinking."

  "There's nothing to think about. It's already done."

  "What?"

  He scratched at his beard. "Transferred money into your account today. It's all done."

  "How did you get my account number?"

  "Anne gave it to me. I think she meant it as a dare."

  My eyes felt wide as wide could be. "How much money?"

  "Enough that you don't have to worry for a while."

  "How long a while?"

  He just stared at me.

  Oh, whoa. Something told me a millionaire rock star's version of a while was a whole lot longer than mine. The thought made me panicky, my fingers twisting together in my lap. Legal documents were scary, but the thought of him giving me masses of his money seemed even worse. "But lawyers and contracts and stuff. What you talked about this morning."

  "We'll sort it out between us, like you wanted." He seemed so calm, while I was anything but. "It'll be okay, Liz."

  "That's a lot of trust you're putting in me."

  "We're having a kid. We gotta start somewhere, right?"

  There were scuff marks on my favorite boots. Quite a few of them. At least I wouldn't be growing out of my shoes. My clothes, on the other hand, would probably need replacing before long. Most of my things were a little worn or were bought secondhand. Not as if I'd have been willing to ask Mal or Anne for a handout to fund a flashy new maternity wardrobe. They did so much for me already. It would be bizarre to not have to worry about money. We hadn't grown up with much. I couldn't really remember a time when money hadn't been an issue.

  "Right," I mused.

  "No big deal."

  I wasn't so sure about that.

  "I appreciate you being willing to monetarily support us. That's going to make a huge difference." I told the floor, because looking at him seemed too hard just then. "It's a real weight off my shoulders."

  "Listen," he said. "I'm sorry about last night. And this morning. I'm just ... I'm doing the best I can here."

  "Of course." I smiled as bright as bright could be. "We'll be friends for Bean's sake."

  "Bean?"

  My smile grew more genuine. "In the early stages they're kind of bean shaped and sized."

  "Oh. Right." His fingers lay laced in front of him, jiggling yet again. For a second, his gaze landed in the region of my belly before darting away again. "Give me a chance to catch up, get used to the idea. Then we'll talk some more."

  "Okay."

  "And of course we'll be friends," he said. "We are friends."

  "Of course."

  He smiled back at me. But I don't think either of us was feeling anything but fear just yet.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  While the guys were down at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. being interviewed by Rolling Stone magazine, up in Portland a complete stranger was checking out my girl bits. The fancily framed medical degrees hanging on her office wall did nothing to detract from the awkwardness of where she put her gloved fingers.

  Yep, going to the OB/GYN was just the best.

  Everything with Bean was fine, by the way. And hearing her heartbeat for the first time rocked my world. She was real. This was real. I was actuall
y going to be a mother. Amazing.

  With the band touring and Ben's ban from Mal and Anne's apartment (also, I'm pretty sure he was avoiding me, despite all his fine words), it was a full four weeks after he filled my humble bank account to bursting before we laid eyes on each other again. It took that long for me to stop constantly barfing and to be given the go-ahead to travel. Due to having my head in the toilet, I'd missed out on Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, and L.A. Anne and I met up with the band in Phoenix. We arrived near the end of their concert, having been delayed by a storm.

  Sam met us and took us to the side of the stage to watch the encore. It was cool to see Stage Dive play live again. I was sitting on an empty box behind a massive screen that projected the happenings out to the stadium audience. I couldn't see the people, but I could hear them. Roadies, set construction workers, and similar were also hanging out, waiting.

  The minute the show was done, Mal attacked Anne. The man was all over her like a rash, rubbing his sweaty self against her and basically dry-humping in public. She didn't seem to mind. We didn't hang around, everyone heading straight to the hotel. Apparently any interviews and meet-and-greets were done before the show.

  I got a welcoming chin tip from Ben, but that was it in the rush.

  The line of luxury black Lexuses crawled to a stop as we neared the swanky hotel's back entrance. Hands battered at the windows, people struggling to get close enough to press their faces up against the darkened glass.

  It was freaky.

  Dave and Ev were already inside, having been in the first vehicle. Ben, Lena, and Jimmy jumped out of the vehicle in front of us. Immediately, Lena and Jimmy hurried through the corridor made by security, into the safety of the hotel. But Ben delayed, signing autographs and shaking hands.

  There were so many people out there. A veritable sea of women and men both, crying, screaming, and carrying on. I'd known how big the guys were, but knowing it and seeing it were two entirely different things. There were even TV crews among the mix, cameras catching it all.

  "Shit," I whispered, hunching down.

  "Someone can't keep a secret," said Anne, sitting between Mal and me on the backseat.

  Mal just shrugged. "Where we're staying always gets out. This is the norm. Get used to it, ladies."

  A black-clad security person opened the door and the clamor hit me. It was staggering. A wall of mindless, maximum-volume, gray noise. Sweat wet my back but my mouth dried to nothing. Anne nudged me gently, nodding toward the door and the batshit-crazy crowd beyond. I swallowed hard and nodded back. Like it or not (not!), we were going out there. Generally, agoraphobia wasn't much of an issue (or enochlophobia, if you want to get technical about it). It didn't stop me from doing anything. Get me anywhere near a loud swarming mass of people, however, and I'm rarely at my best.