The Prince's Shadows

  Here too, I will be fine, I try to convince myself. The empress won’t hurt me. She wouldn’t. She must know about the prince and me by now, yet she hasn’t summoned me.

  I will be fine.

  The prince and I, what become of us? I wouldn’t dare to think that he will take me as his wife. I know the royals often betrothed since birth, he too must has fiancée somewhere. Maybe she even sleeps in the next room. I dare not to ask Marie about it.

  Is it make me a bad person dallying with someone else fiancé? Yes, the guilt is there like a small niggling voice in back of my head. But I know he will forget me soon. And when that time come, will I be fine? Do I love him? I don’t know, maybe.

  The only thing I know, he makes me feel beautiful and wanted. My prince, my beautiful prince, do I have right to love you? Or right to love? This thought brings me back to my sister and Ryn. The sin I had done. I feel sorry for both of them. But I have prediction that my fate will be the same. It is a thing that shouldn’t be.

  Can I love freely someday?

  Ryn, will he still see me as a friend if he knows my evildoing? Even so, I don’t mind. I just want him to comeback. I know he feel guilty as he should be. But I know it is not his or my sister fault. I don’t blame them if they want to run without a care. My sister was an unloved one. A cousin by name, our cousins usually mock her. In all of her sixteen years of age, I can count with my hands the occasion my father invited her home, those time, he finally had relented after I was cajoling for a long time.

  Looking at the sky, I send a prayer to the ones in the north. Let them live and safe.

  I see the dawn come, yellowish-red start spreading in the horizon. The morning sun comes fast. And soon, the servant will come. I sigh softly.

  New day has come, yet another day.

  I sit still when the servant brush my hair and fashioned it in intricate braid. I feel she looks at me warily. I wonder why. Do I look like a freak today? I see my reflection on the looking glass, it seems not uncommon, a little bit thinner than a week ago maybe. My cheek bone and jawline look more defined now. Aside of it, it seems fine.

  It’s just my imagination.

  “You look so beautiful, my lady,” the servant croons at me.

  Do I really? Maybe I am, for the prince loves to kiss these lips so much.

  I look at the servant face, try to see if she is mocking me but I can see that it is not the case. So, I just nod and tell her gently that I need a moment alone.

  A moment later, I walk to the throne room with a heavy heart. I gingerly touch my collar; it is cold biting my skin.

  It’s just a dream…

  In the court, people already gather but the empress not yet sit in her high throne. The Ministers already take their place in rows below the throne, the advisors and court lady behind them. People are waiting and talking to each other in buzzing sounds.

  I hear a smooth clicking sound and then the door open. The room became quiet immediately. Prince Lex followed by Princess Larra come inside in steady stride, their head held high and gazing straight ahead. The arrogance that only a royal has right to be. All the others bow their head as the prince and princess walk pass them. Princess Larra stops just below the throne while Prince Lex climbing up the stair and sit on the throne.

  As he sat on it, hushed voices sweep the room. I know some people think that the throne belong to him instead of his mother.

  Silent comes again after a while and the prince stands up, “I am Lex Varr,” he says in loud and clear voice, “The heir of this throne.”

  He stops and look across the room to the ministers. And settle to the opposition party’s leaders, Lord Jim Dubh.

  “In fifteen days, I will march to the north to win the war,” he dares ministers to gain say him but they all silent rooted in their place.

  “I call all of you,” he sweeps his gaze to all the ministers, “Give me all of your people. Your sons, grandsons and all your clan members and soldiers. Isn’t this what you want?” he pauses and adds, “For me to go to the north?”

  One of the high minister steps out from the line, and bow to the prince. He is old man with snowy white hair and frail figure. He is one of my father friend I see him often visiting our house before. He is from Yuta clan, his clan is neither wealthy nor exalted.

  “Our clan is in peril now my prince. We don’t have soldiers to spare… with the pirate attack in the south…”

  A hissing sound of a sharp wind pass swiftly, it cuts the minister neck. His neck is bleeding but not profusely. The wounded minister, Lord Zoel Yuta, press his wounded neck with trembling hand.

  “Next time, it won’t be that light, my lord,” the prince says in cold voice, “I had enough of your little defiant. All of you!” he roars, “Who else dare to defy me?” he sweeps his gaze to all the ministers.

  No one dares to gainsay the prince. All bowed low, but I know they are not easily subdued. It is just a façade. But I wonder why Lord Zoel defies the prince, for he is the empress’ man. What this mean?

  “We will go in fifteen days. I want all of your soldiers ready before then,” the prince continues with steel in his voice.

  With all being said, he then marched out the room without looking back.

  The whispers start again.

  “Be quiet!” Princess Larra shouts loud in her feminine voice.

  “We need your support, my lord,” she sweeps her gaze to all. “If not for us, the royals, then do for your family.” She dismisses the court afterward.

  The ministers walk out the room in groups still talking in low buzzing voices, plotting what to do next. I know, most of the ministers are leader or someone with high position of their clan.

  But where is the empress?

  I don’t know why the empress let her children take over the reign this time. Is this the prince doing? Or the princess?

  What they did to make their mother relented? I wonder.

  ***

  I feel exhausted, my body seems weak these days and food is tasteless in my mouth. This must be because the summer heat. I am getting restless and more fascinated by the sky. But it is not this summer sky I want to see, but sky for another time, sky with its stars and yellowish-green color lights. I even miss its cold spring winds too.

  I let out a small sigh. And decide to go bed early tonight. I wear a sheer nightgown to ward off the heat. I hope the nightmare will escape me tonight and wishing the dream of spring instead.

  Soon, I drift off to the dream land. I feel soft kisses in my cheek, my nose and my lips. Smile starts in my lips, the spring has come. I do miss it. I feel soft cares in my belly and goes up to my breast. It is feel good so I open my eyes.

  No, this is not a dream.

  And I start to open my mouth to scream. But I feel a palm stifled my scream.

  “It’s me.” I hear the prince voice.

  I feel my racing heart calmed down. And I see his beautiful face in dim candle light. Seeing my acquiesce, he lift his palm from my mouth. In its place his mouth comes. It coaxes me in gentle kiss. I kiss him back tentatively.

  This it is not right, my conscience says. I ignore it. It is nice to be kissed. He kisses me more fiercely now, and his hand back wandering. It is on my rib now, and goes up to my breast. That penetrates my muddled brain.

  It’s wrong.

  I break the kiss and averted my face, “No,” I say softly, trying to stop his wandering hand.

  “No?” he rasps. I hear his breath is ragged and he nibs my ear softly.

  “Why?” he asks softly.

  “Please,” is all I can say.

  He stilled but still hovering over me. I feel his hard breath brushing my cheek. He looks at me with his silvery eyes. It shines in the soft golden light.

  “Your fiancée,” I stutter.

  He just stare at me as if don’t understand what I say.

  “You have one, don’t you?”

  He takes my meaning then. He sits and raises his hands, combing his ha
ir in frustration.

  “What of it?” he asks hotly.

  “I may seem easy, your highness. But I am not that kind of woman.” I try to find courage to hold his gaze, “Please leave my room.”

  I know his temper is raising now. I am sure he not accustomed to be denied anything.

  For a moment I afraid he won’t head me. “Fine,” he says in cold voice, then left my room still bristling with anger.

  I take my hand to my chest to calm my racing heart. Then, I turn around in my bed, curl up and hugging my knees.

  I am sorry, my prince.

  I do love you, don’t I? But my pride and honor won’t let me do it.

  But it is hard to back to sleep, I get up and padding to the window. Looking up to the sky, searching for the holy fire’s light. But it is not there. I feel hot tears rolling down my cheek.

  What’s wrong with me?

  ***

  The next day, I sit sipping Chrysanthemum tea with Marie in my room. I brave myself to ask her who is Prince Lex’s fiancée. Marie gives me an odd look. She says his fiancée is Lady Arla Airgid. Lady Arla’s grandmothers from both sides were a princess. In her younger days, her family was living outside the empire until five years ago.

  Her father was an ambassador for Westland then Cryg Confederacy until the war broke, that is why they come back to Varr City five years ago. But they refuse to live inside the palace. And since then, they are living in the east part of the city. It is common knowledge in the palace that Lord Zack Airgid, Lady Arla’s widower father, is a queer one for it is uncommon for a royal to choose living outside. Marie also says that he grows all short of exotic plant from land beyond the big seas, in a big house made of glass. It is why he insists living on his own, for surely the empress will forbid him build such a thing in the palace ground.

  I have seen the lady herself one or twice in the court room. She is tall and slender girl with an oval face and bright rounded eyes. She is a pretty girl I suppose, like all the royals are. And she has kind eyes, warm smile and seems ordinary, not queer at all.

  Yes, I do the right thing.

  ***

  The day is warm even in the early morning. The air seems so thick with humidity. And the day, we set out to the north finally come. Strangely I don’t feel any fear. If it is my fate to perish in the war, let it be. Many have been there before me. The ones I know, the faces I long to see.

  We will come down to the Varan Castle few hours after the dawn. When I arrive at the palace yard, not many are there. So, I wait them while stoking the mane of my horse.

  Sky is light blue above, it shine so bright, blinding my eyes. The ones that set out from the palace are not that many. One by one, they come to the yard and now we are ready to depart.

  The party consists of Prince Lex, Princess Larra, few of their cousins and me. The Blessed gather at Varan castle, the generals and their soldiers at the Noth Gate.

  Lady Arla is one among the party. She sits gracefully in her horse, her hair is fashioned in simple braid in her back. Our gazes briefly meet and she gives me a small nod. And I nod back, wave of shame wash across my body, for I think she know. But I see no hatred in her eyes.

  These last few days, as if in mutual agreement the prince and I were avoiding each other. And we no longer training or riding outside the palace together. I often train alone or sometimes with Princess Larra but often she is busy preparing for the journey to the north. Preparing the provision, weapon, and making plan with few general that just coming back from all over the empire, the generals who were responsible for catching the lost souls before.

  I steel myself, and try to forget my shame. I mount my horse and shortly we depart. I ride at the back of the column. Prince Lex and Princess Larra are leading the way. I see people waving as they send us off. We ride in slow pace, down the steeped road, and slowly approaching Varan castle, there, the Blessed Ones will join us.

  Finally, the castle comes into view, and I see that many Blesseds are waiting, ready with their horse and war gears. There are twenty of them. Most of them are the ones the empress had sent to chase the lost soul, the ones that answer Princess Larra’s summon, they have hard look about them.

  Some of the disciples ride behind. They are the ones that deemed old enough but not yet become an apprentice. Dela is one of them, her hair pulled back in simple knot, she wear purple tunic and trouser like all the Blessed, that is our war uniform. I prefer to ride beside her and other disciple so I move to join them.

  We go slowly through the royal road down to the city and pass through north gate of Mountain Wall. The sun is high in the sky, it is hot scalding my skin. Beads of sweat are rolling down my body. I feel slow tepid wind flow lazily from atop the mountain, but it not helping at all.

  Just beyond the gate soldiers from all clans gather, there are twenty seven clans in total. Twelve are considered noblest of noble with an old name, my family is one of them.

  The party stops in the large dusty open field, and from here we will continue our journey to Naqari in the north, then to the Manna in the border. It will be long journey with foot soldiers walk slowly behind us.

  All the party still mounted in their horse, the soldiers and clan’s leaders gather around us, with each leader mounted in their horse, their soldiers are line up behind them. There are around two hundred mounted soldiers, and less than two thousand foot soldiers.

  These soldiers have gathered here few days past, they come from all over the empire. Banners of each clan is flying high, and mark of many tents that had been their home for these few days are scattered around the field, but now it all is pulled down, as all ready to depart to the north.

  I see one of my older cousin, Gary Worg, lead our clan, the Worg, in Damien stead. Now, our clan is one of the smallest clan, it has been like that long before my father had lost his position in the empress’ court.

  Prince Lex face is taut with dissatisfaction, his mouth drawn into uncompromising line. His eyes narrowed dangerously, scanning all those soldiers. And his sister seems dissatisfied too, but she masks it better. She sits poised high in her horse, her only sign of her distress is her tightly pressed lips.

  The prince canters his horse to one of the leader. She is a young woman no older than Princess Larra. She has small frame and has sweet rounded cheek, her thick hair pulled back into braid, she looks half a child, thin and scrawny.

  “Who are you?” the prince asks her coldly.

  “May Gorm, your highness,” she says in clear and loud voice. This one is a brave one. She doesn’t shrink at Prince Lex’s sharp gaze.

  “Is there no male in your family?”

  She looks the prince square in the eyes and answers in steady voice, “My father is an old man, your highness. His heir, my brother, merely a boy of ten years of age. My other brothers, all death. One by pirate in the south and the others in the north just a month past.”

  I know this ceaseless war have already taken so many lives. And it will take more. I see the weary face of the soldiers, they are already look beaten. Most of them wear rough hemp in dark muddy color.

  There are many young boys among them, too young to leave the safe cocoon of their home. They come from villages, hundreds miles from home. Each clan governs these villages which scattered across the empire. They come far away from home, left the one they love behind. Some of them come from east, south, west and midland.

  The prince inspects another clan. This clan is Minister Jim Dubh’s clan. They are the most prosperous clan in this empire and notoriously oppose the empress. But their soldiers look no better than the other.

  “And you, what is your excuse?”

  “Pardon, your highness. These men are the only we can gather in short time,” says the youngest son of Lord Jim.

  His name is Sean Dubh. He is a young man in early twenty. He wears his hair down and some of them are pulled in simple queue back. His clothes are rich blue colors. He is tall almost as tall as the prince with broad shou
lder and thick muscled arm, his face is square with jutted out jaw and thick lips.

  “Men? I see only scrawny boys.” Prince Lex roars.

  “They are what left, your highness. Our land is in south and west shore. Many of our peasants are taken captive by pirate and sold as slave or killed. While the others flew to the Westland or join the rebel. The lost soul, they called,” he says in deceptively soft and calm manner but the censure of the royal’s incompetence is there.

  Prince Lex is losing his temper again but Princess Larra stops him and takes over.

  “I see what you mean, my lord,” she says sweetly to the young lord, and he seems taken aback, or merely stuck dumb by her beauty. The young lord only stares at the princess in silent.

  Men…

  The princess not finishes yet however, “We will deal with those pirates AFTER we win the war. You do understand if will lost this time, there will be no Varr Empire. So, your peasants and family will be slave all the same,” she then adds for all, “We will let this slide now, but makes no mistake we won’t in the future. Do you understand?”

  The young lord nods briefly. Finally, he comes to his sense.

  “It’s some to all of you!” the princess shouts to all clans. “Now, let’s win this war!”

  All the soldiers and their leader shout their clan name in deafening battle cry.

  Finally, I am going there…

  Chapter 12

  We continue our journey to the Naqari, city gate of the Giant Wall in the north. Prince Lex and Princess Larra are riding in the front with the generals, there are three of them.

  One is senior generals in his fifty, Lord Van Darr. And the other two are much younger than him, Lord Max Sevarr and General Wazax Jaqo, both of them are in their early thirty. General Wazax is from less noble background, Jaqo is her mother family name, his rank is like my former fiancé, a half-noble.

  The rest of the royals and the Blesseds are riding right behind the prince’s party. And I am one among them. At the end of the columns, the foot soldiers walk, each is led by their liege lord.

  We ride in four columns and fill the road so travellers from the opposite direction have to stop and allow us to pass. I see many of them along the way amid the cloud of dust we left behind.