The Life She Wants

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” he said. “She’s still a young lady to me.”

  “Jock... I did a good job, didn’t I?”

  “Huh?” he said, obviously completely confused.

  “A single mother, barely holding it together, living with her mother and brother... Maddie seems to be remarkably well-adjusted. Don’t you think?”

  “She’s fine, Riley. She’s amazing.”

  “She’s been asking me difficult questions lately.”

  “Really? Like what? She hasn’t had anything new for me,” he said.

  “She said you two have talked a lot about back when... When we were so briefly together.”

  “I wouldn’t say a lot,” he said. “I think she was about twelve when she asked me why we weren’t married. I figured that’d be coming. So I told her.”

  “But what did you tell her?”

  “I told her that getting pregnant was an accident, that we weren’t careful about preventing it, about birth control. Mostly my fault. And I issued a warning—teenage boys and young men are idiots, do not trust them. So—we were pregnant and we talked about marriage but didn’t think it would work for us. We were too young, for one thing. But we both wanted her—I made sure to tell her that. My mom always said that kids want to know two things—that you love them and wanted them.”

  “You offered to give me money for an abortion,” Riley reminded him.

  He shook his head sadly. “Look, I did what I thought men did, what I thought they were expected to do. I didn’t think it through. Thank God you didn’t want that. Thank you for that, Riley. You’ve always been the smart one.”

  “You didn’t tell her about that, did you?”

  “Of course not,” he said. “That wouldn’t do one single positive thing for Maddie and I’m so damn grateful for her, you will just never know. I did tell her that as far as stupid eighteen-year-olds go, I was the dumbest. I told her I had a lot of regrets but none had anything to do with her. She made me the luckiest dimwit alive.”

  “She wants to know things, like did we love each other,” Riley said. “I told her I loved you.”

  “That was good, to say that. She should think that her mom and dad loved each other when she was made.”

  “Jock, I did love you. I told you I loved you and you said, ‘Whoa, wait a minute...’”

  He rested his elbows on his knees and briefly hung his head. Then he looked at her. “Riley, there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to go back in time and fix mistakes like that. I never should have done that. I never should have talked that way. I’m telling you, I was a stupid boy and I was scared to death. I didn’t know how I felt. I just didn’t know what to do.”

  “You wouldn’t tell Emma...”

  “Yeah, the list just gets longer and longer. Riley, I’ll be the first person to admit it took me way too long to grow up, to know my mind, to figure out that life was handing me a gift and there was no way I was ever going to deserve it. But I admit I’m a damn lucky man and really, I’m so grateful. And I made my peace with Emma. I finally got to see her and tell her I was sorry that I did that to her, that I cheated on her.”

  “Huh,” Riley huffed.

  “I should have called her and told her we were together. Things might be a lot different if I’d just done that.”

  “You saw her?” Riley asked.

  “Well, yeah.” He laughed ruefully and shook his head. “That daughter of yours, Riley. She’s fifteen going on fifty, you know that? After I told her I was someone else’s boyfriend when I fell for you, she started asking me if I ever said I was sorry to Emma. Of course I hadn’t. I’m too clumsy for that. It would’ve meant finding her number in New York and we both know she was in a bad place—she didn’t need to hear from me. Then Maddie told me she was back. She’d met her. I guess she was with Adam and they ran into her. Maddie isn’t sure but she thinks Adam likes her. And Maddie told me Emma would be having dinner with your mother so I hung around and waited for her to leave so I could...”

  “Wait! What?”

  “What what?” he asked, looking confused.

  “Emma had dinner with my mother?”

  “Yeah. A week or two ago, I think. You didn’t know?”

  “No,” she said, feeling her blood pressure rising. “And Adam is seeing her.”

  “I don’t know. She didn’t mention...”

  “He is,” Riley said, angry. “I can tell. And my mother is having dinner with her behind my back and not telling me. And you’re seeing her, too. Making up with her?”

  “Sort of making up. I just wanted to say I was sorry about all that, sorry that it hurt her, not sorry it happened because we’re very lucky to have Maddie and—”

  “So everyone has personal private stuff going on with Emma and no one finds it necessary to mention any of this to me!”

  “Holy Jesus, maybe if you weren’t so mad all the time!” he fumed. “Don’t you ever get tired of people walking on eggshells around you?”

  “Why aren’t people at least honest with me?” she demanded.

  “I don’t know, Riley! Could it be because you get so freaking angry?”

  She stood up. “So you said you were sorry you cheated on her. Did you ask her for another chance?”

  Jock stood, as well. “Oh, for the love of God, of course not! I don’t want another chance! Why are you so upset?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, Jock. Could it be because everyone is keeping stuff from me? My daughter, my brother, my mother, you! But who gave her the job? Me! Why am I always the one picking up the pieces?”

  Jock just stared at her in shock. “Is that what you think? That you pick up the pieces? Not June or me or even Adam? Aren’t we the A-Team? I know no one counts on me much but you all can. I do everything any of you asks. You weren’t left alone, goddamn it! You had all of us! All of us doing it the way you wanted it done! And here you are, your girl is almost grown and you found someone, she tells me. You finally found someone who deserves you. Well, good for you. And I said I was sorry every way I could so you can get over it now and move on. I never stood a chance with you anyway.”

  “You didn’t want a chance with me!”

  “I asked you to marry me! More than once!”

  “To be with Maddie! To be with your daughter!”

  “No! To put our family together the way it should be! To be with you! But you never got over blaming me for all your problems. Me and Emma. So let me clear that up right now—we all make our own messes and as messes go we got real damn lucky. We got ourselves a beautiful fifteen-year-old mess who’s going to do great things with her life in spite of us.”

  “You didn’t want me,” she said. “You were married six months later!”

  “Yeah, another brilliant move of mine. I was so hungry for someone to love me, to want me, I married the first woman who convinced me I was trusted, that I was desirable. It lasted less than a year but it was over in a day.”

  “Bullshit. Women have always wanted you!”

  “Just not the right one! Don’t you get it, Riley? I did my best. My best has never been good enough.”

  “Now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. Maddie’s proud of you.”

  “Kids will do that.”

  “She nearly ruined the first dinner we had with Logan. All she did was brag about you. It was very uncomfortable.”

  Jock smiled. “I’ll have to thank her. She run him off?”

  Riley raised her chin. “No. He doesn’t scare easily, I guess. I’m going to go,” she said, feeling exhausted.

  “The next time you want to talk, give me about forty-eight hours advance warning, okay?”

  Chapter Seventeen

  After leaving Jock’s, Riley had herself a hard cry, something she hadn’t done in
quite a while. It felt as though everyone was showering love on Emma and just not acknowledging how this might affect her, how she might feel like the bad girl, being punished all over again. Left out and unloved. Damn Emma! Had she come back and taken over Riley’s support group?

  She felt like a thirteen-year-old girl. A baby. An ogre who tried to prevent Adam and her mother from embracing their old friend. Tried and failed and now they knew how selfish and mean Riley could be.

  At midnight she heard her phone chime with an incoming text. It was Logan.

  Just wondering if everything is okay?

  Crap! She’d never called him. Although she was in bed and had a stuffy nose, she called him.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m fine. I got caught up in a difficult family discussion. You know how those things can sneak up at holidays.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he said with a laugh. “My dad and I usually entertain the family by acting like assholes. We did pretty well this year. We stayed on opposite sides of the room and there wasn’t too much friction.

  “It’s funny, here we are, twenty-five years later and I’m still a pissed-off little boy. Everyone else has forgiven him and let him back in the family. My mom and dad are as close to being a couple without being one as you can get. They’re not remarried or anything, but he’s at every family thing. I think he should be shunned.”

  “Gee, only twenty-five years?”

  “You’re probably not going to believe this, but I’m actually a pretty easygoing guy. I think. I wouldn’t have a problem in the world if my mother just hated him.”

  “Sadly, I understand completely. Let’s talk tomorrow,” she said. “I’ve had such a long day.”

  “Sure,” he said. “And, Riley? We have a new year ahead of us. Let’s make it a good one, okay?”

  “Absolutely, Logan.”

  What a nice guy, she thought. She snuggled back into the covers. But she didn’t think about Logan. She wanted to. A smart woman would make something positive out of that relationship.

  Why do people do these things on the holidays? she asked herself. Why couldn’t Jock have saved his outburst for another time, another day?

  Jock’s outburst? her conscience mocked her. You started it! You always start it!

  Maybe she should start to admit it if only to herself. She was so scared and hurt, felt so alone even though she had Adam, her mother and her grandparents for a little while after Maddie was born. When she wasn’t crying she was bitching. In the beginning, when she was pregnant, Jock didn’t come around much. When Maddie was born he only came around when he felt safe, when Adam wasn’t around. He often visited Maddie when June was watching her because June might’ve been unhappy with Jock but she was never mean. Though he didn’t come to see the baby on a schedule or often, he did come regularly. And he called. He called Riley until he could just call Maddie.

  It seemed like forever that every time she saw him her heart ached and her throat burned with tears she wouldn’t shed. But she got over it. As she grew older and met more and more women who were raising children on their own, she learned how to bear it.

  But it left her hardened and somewhat bitter. She didn’t want to be that way. Here she was, the mother of a beautiful and brilliant daughter with everything in the world to be grateful for and she could behave in the most ungrateful manner sometimes.

  It had had the opposite effect on Jock. Having Maddie had sweetened him. Mellowed him and made him more mature.

  I made one mistake, she thought wearily. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet I’ve managed to suffer for it for years. How do I stop it? How has Jock moved on with grace?

  How has Emma?

  Just before falling asleep she remembered, I fell for you, he had said. I was never good enough for you, he had said. Was that what he’d said? She must’ve misunderstood.

  * * *

  Emma wasn’t at all unhappy with the quiet way she spent the holiday weekend. On Christmas Eve she went with Lyle and Ethan to Ethan’s sister’s house for dinner. Given that Lyle and Ethan had their own flower shop, a centerpiece wouldn’t do, so she borrowed Penny’s kitchen and recipes and made crab croquettes and a cheese ball. It was a rather hectic and noisy evening; Ethan’s sister was pregnant and his niece was two. Emma enjoyed the two-year-old for about an hour and then started to wonder how young mothers did it—the toddler was tired, cranky, hungry, restless and generally bad. One of her first rebellious acts was to pitch the cheese ball at their Labrador retriever.

  “Yeah, this is about ninety percent of the time these days,” Ethan said.

  “I don’t think I was prepared for how fast a two-year-old can move,” Emma said.

  “Watch your valuables,” Lyle said. “She swallowed Mommy’s diamond engagement ring about six months ago.”

  “It’s okay, I got it back,” Ethan’s sister yelled from the kitchen.

  “Ewww,” Emma and the two men said together.

  When she got home at nine that night, Adam was waiting for her. She regaled him with stories of dinner and the fate of her cheese ball. She insisted he open his gifts; she wanted him to try on his new slippers. He liked the book and sweater and had a gift for her, a very big box. Inside was a black waterproof trench coat, a very stylish maxi length with a belt. She told him to wait right where he was. She took it to her little bedroom to try it on and when she came back he admired the sleek design with her pumps. Then she untied the belt, opened the coat and flashed him with her nakedness. Although they roared with laughter, it only took a minute for it to be replaced with the sound of kissing and panting, the new coat on the floor on one side of the bed, Adam’s clothes on the other.

  On Christmas morning she woke up to see Adam raised up on an arm, watching her. “I’ve made a decision,” he said. “I’ve decided to wake up like this every Christmas morning.”

  “Ah. Will Santa approve?”

  “I’m very nice,” he said. “And you’re a little naughty. Sounds perfect to me.”

  While Adam did his family thing, Emma relaxed, gathering her strength in the quiet of the day. She’d been warned that the week following Christmas was sheer hell at work. Some of their clients had been out of town over the holidays but many more had extra people in, company from out of town, lots of refuse from the gift exchanging, greasy and splattered kitchens from the constant cooking and baking. School was still on break until after New Year’s, which meant general messiness everywhere and a tougher time cleaning while stepping over people.

  And there were a few things she was eager to find out. First, was Bethany okay? She hadn’t called since before Christmas, but the Christensen house was one of the first on her schedule for Monday. When they arrived, she ran right up the stairs, tapped quietly on Bethany’s bedroom door and when the girl told her to come in, she stuck her head in. “Okay?” she asked quietly.

  Bethany gave her a sheepish smile. “Okay,” she answered.

  “Was it a nice Christmas?”

  She nodded. “And I saw my grandparents. I’m just so glad it’s over. I feel so much more in control now.”

  “Life will be easier now, I think,” Emma said. “Holidays are always a bit tough when you’ve had losses. You have my number.”

  “I do. I’ll call you.”

  When Emma was pulling the door closed she turned and came face-to-face with Shawna, who was frowning. “You’re gonna make trouble for yourself,” she predicted.

  “It’ll be all right,” Emma said, because that’s what she’d been telling herself.

  The Christensen home reminded her a little bit of her own New York apartment—spacious, pristine, the furnishings rich and carefully chosen, and while it was filled with warm colors and dark wood, you could almost feel the emptiness. It was too quiet. Homes were made to be filled with conversation and laughter
and even arguing from time to time. It was too clean, too orderly. It felt so lonely here.

  Emma, Shawna and Dellie got busy and as predicted, there was more cleaning than usual. Mr. and Mrs. Andrews had not canceled the cleaning service. Nick caught up with them on Tuesday to tell them he was sending a different crew and he would be watching closely to be sure there wasn’t any trouble. He wouldn’t allow Emma’s crew to return to that volatile house. “For two cents, I’d cancel them,” Nick said. “For now I’ll be keeping a very close eye on that house.”

  At the end of the week when they were nearly finished with the last house, Riley texted Shawna and asked that the three of them stop by the office when they returned to turn in the van. They found a full staff gathered—Nick, Makenna, Riley and her young assistant, Jeanette.

  “Come in, please,” Riley said. “Something terrible has happened and I wanted to tell you. You’ll hear about it tonight if you watch the news. Mr. Andrews is dead. It appears Mrs. Andrews shot him. The police have taken her into custody.” Riley cleared her throat. “Our crew let themselves in and found them.”

  Emma actually swooned against Shawna. “Dear God,” she whispered.

  “Here, sit down,” Nick said.

  “That man probably got what he had coming,” Shawna said. “He was beating that woman.”

  “Has anything like this ever happened before?” Emma asked.

  “We’ve had a delicate situation or two over the years. One of our clients was found unconscious—he had a stroke and went to the hospital and from there into a special care home. Nothing like this. People don’t just have dust and dirt,” Riley said. “They have complex personal lives. Some of them have serious problems. And we’re in their private space. We have to be vigilant and blind—it’s a very difficult balance. I’m sorry this happened.”

  “The other crew,” Emma said. “Are they okay?”

  “Not at all,” Nick said. “It was Cora, Maria and Connie—and they’re shook up. They’re going to take Monday and Tuesday off and if they need to see someone, like a counselor, we’ll find someone.”