Imajica

  “I hope you mean that.”

  “How can I prove it?”

  His gray form seemed to darken as she spoke, receding into the shadows of the room. He’d said he’d be invisible, and now he was. Though she felt his hand graze her ankle, and looked down the bed to find him, he was beyond the grasp of her eye. But pleasure flowed from his touch nevertheless.

  “I want this,” he said as he caressed her foot. “And this.” Now her shin and thigh. “And this”—her sex—“as much as the rest, but no more. And this, and these.” Belly, breasts. His touch was on them all, so he had to be very close to her now, but still invisible. “And this sweet throat, and this wonderful head.” Now the hands slid away again, down her arms. “And these,” he said, “to the ends of your fingers.”

  The touch was back at her foot again, but everywhere his hands had been—which was to say her entire body—trembled with anticipation at the touch coming again. She raised her head from the pillow a second time in the hope of glimpsing her lover.

  “Lie back,” he told her.

  “I want to see you.”

  “I’m here,” he said, his eyes stealing a gleam from somewhere as he spoke: two bright dots in a space that, had she not known it was bounded, could have been limitless. After his words, there was only his breath. She couldn’t help but let the rhythm of her own inhalations and exhalations fall in with his, a lulling regularity which steadily slowed.

  After a time, he raised her foot to his mouth and licked the sole from heel to toe in one motion. Then his breath again, cooling the fluid he’d bathed her with, and slowing still further as it came and went, until her system seemed to teeter on termination at the end of each breath, only to be coaxed back into life again as she inhaled. This was the substance of every moment, she realized: the body—never certain if the next lungful would be its last—hovering for a tiny time between cessation and continuance. And in that space out of time, between a breath expelled and another drawn, the miraculous was easy, because neither flesh nor reason had laid their edicts there. She felt his mouth open wide enough to encompass her toes and then, impossible as it was, slide her foot into his throat.

  He’s going to swallow me, she thought, and the notion conjured once again the book she’d found in Estabrook’s study, with its sequence of lovers enclosed in a circle of consumption: a devouring so prodigious it had ended with mutual eclipse. She felt no unease at the prospect. This wasn’t the business of the visible world, where fear got fat because there was so much to win and lose. This was a place for lovers, where there was only ever gain.

  She felt him draw her other leg up to his head and immerse it in the same heat; then felt him take hold of her hips and use them as purchase to impale himself upon her, inch by inch. Perhaps he’d become vast: his maw monstrous, his throat a tunnel; or perhaps she was pliant as silk, and he was drawing her into him like a magician threading fake flowers into a wand. She reached up towards him in the darkness, to feel the miracle, but her fingers couldn’t interpret what buzzed beneath them. Was this her flesh or his? Ankle or cheek? There was no way of knowing. Nor, in truth, any need to know. All she wanted now was to do as the lovers in the book had done and match his devouring with her own.

  She reached for the edge of the bed and turned herself half over, bringing him down beside her. Now, though her eyes were besotted by darkness, she saw the outline of his body, folded into the shadows of her own. There was nothing changed about his anatomy. Though he was consuming her, his body was in no way distorted. He lay beside her like a sleeper. She reached out to touch him a second time, not expecting to make sense of his body now but finding she could. This was his thigh; this his shin; this his ankle and foot. As she ran her palm across his flesh a delicate wave of change came with it, and his substance seemed to soften beneath her touch. The scent of his sweat was appetizing. It quickened the juices in her throat and belly. She drew her head towards his feet and touched her lips to the substance of him. Then she was feeding; spreading her hunger around him like a mouth and closing her mind on his glistening skin. He shuddered as she took him in, and she felt the thrill of his pleasure as her own. Hehad already consumed her to the hips, but she quickly matched his appetite, taking his legs down into her, swallowing both his prick and the belly it lay hard against. She loved the excess of this, and its absurdity, their bodies defying physics and physique, or else making fresh proofs of both as the configuration closed upon itself. Was anything ever so easy and yet so impossible, besides love? And what was this, if not that paradox laid on a sheet? He had slowed his swallows to allow her to catch up, and now, in tandem, they closed the loop of their consumption, until their bodies were figments, and they were mouth to mouth.

  Something from outside—a shout in the street, a sour saxophone chord—threw her back into the plausible world again, and she saw the root from which their invention had flowered. It was a commonplace conjunction: her legs crossed around his hips, his erection high inside her. She couldn’t see his face, but she knew he wasn’t here in this fugitive place with her. He was still dreaming their devouring. She panicked, wanted to regain the vision but not knowing how. She tightened her grip on his body and, in so doing, inspired his hips to motion. He began to move in her, breathing oh so slowly against her face. She forgot her panic and let her rhythm once again slow until it matched his. The solid world dissolved as she did so, and she returned to the place from which she’d been called to find that the loop was tightening by the moment, his mind enveloping her head as she enveloped his, like layers of an impossible onion, each one smaller than the layer it concealed: an enigma that couldonly exist where substance collapsed into the very mind which begged its being.

  This bliss could not be sustained indefinitely, however. Before long it began once more to lose its purity, tainted by further sounds from the outside world, and this time she sensed that he was also relinquishing his hold on the delirium. Perhaps, as they learned to be lovers again, they’d find a way to sustain the state for longer: spend nights and days, perhaps, lost in the precious space between a breath expelled and another drawn. But for now she would have to be content with the ecstasy they’d had. Reluctantly, she let the tropic night in which they’d devoured each other be subsumed into a simpler darkness, and, without quite knowing where consciousness began and ended, she fell asleep.

  When she awoke she was alone in the bed. That disappointment apart, she felt both lively and light. What they’d shared was a commodity more marketable than a cure for the common cold: a high without a hangover. She sat up, reaching for a sheet to drape around her, but before she could stand she heard his voice in the predawn gloom. He was standing by the window, with a fold of curtain clipped between middle and forefinger, his eye to the chink he’d opened.

  “It’s time for me to get working,” he said softly.

  “It’s still early,” she said.

  “The sun’s almost up,” he replied. “I can’t waste time.”

  He let the curtain drop and crossed to the bed. She sat up and put her arms around his torso. She wanted to spend time with him, luxuriating in the calm she felt, but his instinct was healthier. They both had work to do.

  “I’d rather stay here than return to the studio,” he said. “Would you mind?”

  “Not at all,” she replied. “In fact, I’d like you to stay.”

  “I’ll be coming and going at odd hours.”

  “As long as you find your way back into bed once in a while,” she said.

  “I’ll be with you,” he said, running his hand down from her neck to rub her belly. “From now on, I’ll be with you night and day.”

  I

  THOUGH JUDE’S MEMORY OF the night before was vivid, she had no recollection of either herself or Gentle taking the telephone off the hook, and it wasn’t until nine-thirty the following morning, when she decided to call Clem, that she realized that one of them had done so. She replaced the receiver, only to have the telephone ring seconds later. At
the other end of the line was a voice she’d almost given up expecting to hear again: Oscar. At first she thought he was breathless, but after a few stumbling sentences she realized his pantings were barely suppressed sobs.

  “Where have you been, my darling? I’ve rung and rung since I got your note. I thought you were dead.”

  “The phone was off the hook, that’s all. Where are you?”

  “At the house. Will you come? Please. I need you here!” He spoke with escalating panic, as though she were punctuating his appeals with refusals. “We don’t have much time.”

  “Of course I’ll come,” she told him.

  “Now,” he insisted. “You’ve got to come now.”

  She told him she’d be on his doorstep within the hour, and he replied that she’d find him waiting. Putting off her call to Clem and putting on a little makeup, she headed out. Though it wasn’t yet midmorning the sun was blazing hot, and as she drove she remembered the monologue that she and Gentle had been treated to on their ride back from the estate. Monsoons and heat waves all through the summer, the doomsayer had predicted; and how he’d relished his prophecies! She’d thought his enthusiasm grotesque at the time, a petty mind indulging in apocalyptic fantasies. But now, after the extraordinary night she’d had with Gentle, she found herself wondering how these bright streets might be made to experience the miracles of the previous midnight: sluiced of vehicles by an almighty rain, then softened in the blaze of sun, so that solid matter flowed like warm treacle and a city divided into public places and private, into wealthy ghettoes and gutters, became a continuum. Was thiswhat Gentle had meant when he’d talked about her sharing his vision? If so, she was ready for more.

  Regent’s Park Road was quieter than usual. There were no kids playing on the pavement and, though she’d had a hellish time carving her way through the traffic just two streets away, no vehicles parked within half a mile of the house. It stood shunned, but for her. She didn’t need to knock. Before she’d even set her heel on the step the door was opening, and there was Oscar, looking harried, beckoning her in. He answered the door dry-eyed, but as soon as it was closed and locked and bolted, he put his arms around her and the tears began, great sobs that racked his bulk. Over and over he told her how much he loved her, missed her, and needed her, now more than ever. She embraced him and calmed him as best she could. After a time he controlled himself and ushered her through to the kitchen. The lights were burning throughout the house, but after the blaze of the day their contribution looked jaundiced and didn’t flatter him. His face was pale, where it wasn’t discolored with bruises;his hands were puffed and raw. There were other wounds, she guessed, beneath his unpressed clothes. Watching him brew Earl Grey for them, she saw a look of discomfort cross his face when he moved too fast. Their talk, of course, rapidly turned to their parting at the Retreat.

  “I was certain Dowd would slit your throat as soon as you got to Yzordderrex.”

  “He didn’t lay a finger on me,” she said. Then added, “That’s not quite true. He did later. But when we arrived he was too badly hurt.” She paused. “So are you.”

  “I was in a pretty wretched state,” he said. “I wanted to follow you, but I could barely stand. I came back here, got a gun, licked my wounds awhile, then crossed over. But by that time you’d gone.”

  “So you did follow?”

  “Of course. Did you think I’d leave you in Yzordderrex?”

  He set a large cup of tea in front of her, and honey to sweeten it with. She didn’t usually indulge, but she hadn’t breakfasted, so she put enough spoonfuls of honey into the tea to turn it into an aromatic syrup.

  “By the time I reached Peccable’s house,” Oscar went on, “it was empty. There were riots going on outside. I didn’t know where to start looking for you. It was a nightmare.”

  “You know the Autarch was deposed?”

  “No, I didn’t, but I’m not surprised. Every New Year, Peccable would say, He’ll go this year, he’ll go this year. What happened to Dowd, by the way?”

  “He’s dead,” she said, with a little smile of satisfaction.

  “Are you sure? His type is difficult to kill, my dear, let me tell you. I speak from bitter experience.”

  “You were saying—”

  “Yes. What was I saying?”

  “That you followed us and found Peccable’s house empty.”

  “And half the city in flames.” He sighed. “It was tragic, seeing it like that. All that mindless destruction. The revenge of the proles. Oh, I know, I should be celebrating a victory for democracy, but what’s going to be left? My lovely Yzordderrex: rubble. I looked at it and I said, This is the end of an era, Oscar. After this, everything’ll be different. Darker.” He looked up from the tea into which he’d been staring. “Did Peccable survive, do you know?”

  “He was going to leave with Hoi-Polloi. I assume he did. He emptied the cellar.”

  “No, that was me. And I’m glad I did it.”

  He cast a glance towards the windowsill. Nestling among the domestic bric-a-brac were a series of diminutive figurines. Talismans, she guessed: part of the horde from Peccable’s cellar. Some were looking into the room, others out. They were all little paradigms of aggression, with positively rabid expressions on their garishly painted faces.

  “But you’re my best protection,” he said. “Just having you here, I feel we’ve got some chance of surviving this mess.” He put his hand over hers. “When I got your note and knew you’d survived, I began to hope a little. Then of course I couldn’t get hold of you, and I began to imagine the worst.”

  She looked up from his hand and saw on his plagued face a family resemblance she’d never glimpsed before. There was an echo of Charlie in him, the Charlie of the Hampstead hospice, sitting at his window talking about bodies being dug up in the rain.

  “Why didn’t you just come to the flat?” she said.

  “I couldn’t leave here.”

  “Are you that badly hurt?”

  “It’s not what’s in here that held me back,” he said, putting his hand to his chest. “It’s what’s out there.”

  “You still think the Tabula Rasa’s going to come after you?”

  “God, no. They’re the least of our worries. I half thought of warning one or two of them: anonymously, you know. Not Shales or McGann, or that idiot Bloxham. They can fry in Hell. But Lionel was always friendly, even when he was sober. And the ladies. I don’t like the idea of their deaths on my conscience.”

  “So who are you hiding from?”

  “The fact is, I don’t know,” he admitted. “I see images in the bowl, and I can’t quite make them out.”

  She’d forgotten the Boston Bowl, with its blur of prophetic stones. Now Oscar was apparently hanging on its every rattle.

  “Something’s crossed over from the Dominions, my dear,” he said. “I’m certain of that. I saw it coming after you. Trying to smother you. . . .”

  He looked as though tears were going to overtake him again, but she reassured him, lightly patting his hand as though he were some addled old man.

  “Nothing’s going to harm me,” she said. “I’ve survived too much in the last few days.”

  “You’ve never seen a power like this,” he warned her. “And neither’s the Fifth.”

  “If it came from the Dominions, then it’s the Autarch’s doing.”

  “You sound very certain.”

  “That’s because I know who he is.”

  “You’ve been listening to Peccable,” he said. “He’s full of theories, darling, but they’re not worth a damn.”

  His not-so-faint condescension irritated her, and she drew her hand out from under his. “My source is a lot more reliable than Peccable,” she said.

  “Oh?” He realized he’d caused offense and indulged her. “Who’s that?”

  “Quaisoir.”

  “Quaisoir? How the hell did you get to her?” His surprise seemed to be as genuine as his humoring had been feigned.
br />   “Don’t you have any idea?” she asked him. “Didn’t Dowd ever talk to you about the old days?”

  Now his expression became guarded, almost suspicious.

  “Dowd served generations of Godolphins,” she said. “Surely you knew that? Right back to crazy Joshua. In fact, he was Joshua’s right-hand man, if man’s the word.”

  “I was aware of that,” Oscar said softly.

  “Then you knew about me too?”

  He said nothing.

  “Did you, Oscar?”

  “I didn’t debate you with Dowd, if that’s what you mean.”

  “But you knew why you and Charlie kept me in the family?”

  Now it was he who was offended; he grimaced at her vocabulary.

  “That’s what it was, Oscar. You and Charlie, trading me; knowing I was bound to stay with the Godolphins. Maybe I’d wander off for a while and have a few romances, but sooner or later I’d be back in the family.”

  “We both loved you,” he said, his voice as blank as the look he now gave her. “Believe me, neither of us understood the politics of it. We didn’t care.”

  “Oh really?” she said, her doubt plain.

  “All I know is: I love you. It’s the one certainty left in my life.”

  She was tempted to sour this saccharine with chapter and verse of his family’s conspiracies against her, but what was the use? He was a fractured man, locked away in his house for fear of what the sun might invite over his threshold. Circumstance had already undone him. Any further work on her part would be malice, and though she didn’t doubt that there was much in him to despise—his talk of the revenge of the proles had been particularly unattractive—she’d shared too many intimacies with him, and been too comforted by them, to be cruel. Besides, she had something to impart that would be a harder blow than any accusation.

  “I’m not staying, Oscar,” she said. “I haven’t come back here to lock myself away.”

  “But it’s not safe out there,” he replied. “I’ve seen what’s coming. It’s in the bowl. You want to see for yourself?” He stood up. “You’ll change your mind.”