Dawn

  "There was? I didn't see it. Well," he said, smiling quickly, "at least that unpleasantness is all over. You'll be happy to know your grandmother likes our little compromise," he added, smiling. And then he reached into his jacket pocket and produced my hateful nameplate. I stared down at it.

  It hadn't looked as large when my grandmother first showed it to me. It wouldn't have surprised me to learn that she had had it redone so she could make it bigger. It would be her way of showing me that she always got her way and if I challenged her, I would only suffer more for it.

  I plucked it out of his palm slowly. It felt like a small block of ice in my hands.

  "You want me to pin it on for you?" he asked when I hesitated.

  "No, thank you. I can do it myself." I did so quickly.

  "And that's that," he said beaming. "Well, I've got to get back to work. See you tomorrow. Have a good night's sleep," he said and left me standing there, feeling as if I had just been branded.

  But it didn't bother me as much as it ordinarily might have. Just knowing that Jimmy was close by brought me comfort. In the morning right after I had done my work, I would go to him and we would talk and spend almost the whole day together. Of course, I would have to show myself around the hotel every once in a while so no one would come looking for me.

  For the first night since I had arrived at Cutler's Cove, I went to sleep easily and looked forward eagerly to the once familiar sunrise.

  The next morning Grandmother Cutler made an appearance in the kitchen while the staff was having its breakfast. She greeted everyone as she crossed the room to come toward the table I was at. After she reached us, she paused to be sure I was wearing her precious nameplate. When she saw it pinned on my uniform, she pulled herself up and her eyes twinkled with satisfaction.

  I didn't dare look defiant or upset. If she confined me to my room again, I wouldn't be able to see Jimmy, or if I snuck out against her wishes, I might cause him to be discovered. I went on with Sissy, and we did our assignments. I worked so hard and fast that even Sissy remarked about it. As I came out of my last room, I found Grandmother Cutler waiting. Oh, no, thought, she is going to give me another assignment, and I won't be able to go to Jimmy. I held my breath.

  "Apparently, Mrs. Clairmont's necklace has miraculously turned up," she said, her metallic eyes glued to me.

  "I never took it," I said firmly.

  "I hope nothing is ever taken from here again," she retorted and continued down the corridor, her shoes clicking.

  I didn't return to my room to change out of my uniform. Taking great care, I made my way out the back of the hotel and scurried around to Philip's hideaway.

  It was such a bright warm summer's day, I wished I could take Jimmy out of the dark basement room and walk with him through the gardens with their rainbow colors of flowers and sparkling fountains. He had looked so pale and tired to me the night before. He needed to be in the warm sunlight. Bright sunshine on my face always cheered me, no matter how hard and troubled the day was.

  Just as I reached the cement stairway, I saw some guests standing and talking nearby, so I waited for them to wander off before descending. When I opened the door and slipped in, I found Jimmy well rested and eagerly waiting for me. He was sitting on the bunk bed and beamed a wide, happy smile.

  "Philip was already here with some breakfast, and he gave me twenty dollars for my trip to Georgia," he told me and then sat back and laughed.

  "What?"

  "You look funny in that uniform and bandanna. Your nameplate looks like a medal your grandmother pinned on you."

  "I'm glad you like it," I said. "I hate it," I added and shook my hair loose as soon as I pulled of the bandanna. "Did you sleep all right?"

  "I don't even remember your leaving, and when I woke up this morning, I forgot where I was for a moment. Then I fell asleep again. Why did you sneak away?"

  "You fell asleep pretty quickly, so I decided to let you get your rest."

  "I didn't wake up again this morning until Philip arrived. That's how tired I was. I'd been traveling all day and all night for two days. I slept on the side of the road for a couple of hours night before last," he admitted.

  "Oh, Jimmy, you could have been hurt."

  "I didn't care," he said. "I was determined to get here. So what does a chambermaid do? Tell me about this hotel. I didn't see much of it last night. Is it a nice place?"

  I described my work to him and the layout of the hotel. I went on to tell him about some of the staff, especially Mrs. Boston and Sissy, but he was mostly interested in my mother and father.

  "What's exactly wrong with her?"

  "I don't know for sure, Jimmy. She doesn't look sick. Most of the time she looks beautiful, even when she's in bed with her headaches. My father treats her like a fragile little doll."

  "And so your grandmother really runs the hotel?"

  "Yes. Everyone is afraid of her, but they're afraid to say anything bad about her even to each other. Mrs. Boston says she's tough but fair. I don't think she's been very fair to me," I said sadly. I told him about the memorial stone. He listened wide-eyed as I described what I knew of my symbolic funeral.

  "But how do you know the stone's still there?" he asked.

  "It was as of the time I arrived. No one's told me otherwise."

  "They wouldn't. They'd just remove it, I'm sure." He sat back on the bed with his shoulders against the wall and looked thoughtful.

  "It took a lot of nerve for Daddy to steal a baby right out from under the nurse's eyes," he said.

  "That's what I thought," I said, happy he found trouble believing it, too.

  "Of course, he might have been drinking—"

  "Then he wouldn't have been as careful, and he would surely have been heard."

  Jimmy nodded.

  "You don't believe he would do such a thing, either, do you, Jimmy? Not deep down in your heart."

  "He confessed. They had him cold, Dawn. And he didn't try to deny it to us." He lowered his eyes sadly. "I guess I should be getting on my way."

  My heart stopped, my thoughts taking frantic flight, wanting to go off with Jimmy and escape this prison. I felt trapped and needed to seek out the wind so it could fan my hair and sting my skin and make me feel free and alive again.

  "But, Jimmy, you were going to stay here a few days and rest up."

  "I'll just get caught here and make trouble for you and Philip."

  "No, you won't!" I cried. "I don't want you to go yet, Jimmy. Please stay." He lifted his eyes to gaze into mine. Swelling up in both of us was a turmoil of whirling emotions.

  "Sometimes," Jimmy said in the softest, warmest voice I ever heard him speak, "I used to wish you weren't my sister."

  "Why?" I said and held my breath.

  "I . . . thought you were so pretty, I wished you could be my girlfriend," he confessed. "You were always after me to choose this friend of yours or that to be my girlfriend, but I didn't want anybody else but you." He looked away. "That's why I was so jealous and angry when you started getting interested in Philip."

  For a moment I didn't know what to say. My first impulse was to put my arms around him and lavish a million kisses on his face. I wanted to draw his head down against my breast and cuddle it there.

  "Oh, Jimmy," I said, my eyes tearing something awful again, "it just isn't fair. All this mix-up. It's not right."

  "I know," he said. "But when I learned that you were not really my sister, I couldn't help feeling happy as well as sad. Of course, I was unhappy about your being taken away, but what I was hoping . . . aw, I shouldn't hope," he added quickly and looked away again.

  "No, Jimmy. You can hope. What do you hope? Please tell me." He looked down, his face red. "I won't laugh."

  "I know you wouldn't laugh, Dawn. You would never laugh at me; I just can't help feeling ashamed thinking it, much less saying it."

  "Say it, Jimmy. I want you to say it," I replied in a much more demanding tone. He turned and looked at me, hi
s gaze moving up and down my face as if he wanted to capture me in his mind forever and ever.

  "I was hoping that if I ran away and stayed away long enough, you would stop thinking of me as your brother, and someday I would come back and you might think of me as . . . as a boyfriend," he said, all in one breath.

  For a moment it was as if the world had stopped on its axis, as if every sound in the universe had died, as if birds were frozen in midair, and cars and people. There was no wind; the ocean became like glass, the waves up and ready to fall, the tide stuck just at the shore. Everything waited on us.

  Jimmy had uttered the words that had lingered unspoken in both our hearts for years and years, for our hearts knew the truth long before we did, and kept feeding us feelings we thought were unclean and forbidden.

  Could I ever do what he dreamt I would: look into his face and not see him as my brother, not see every touch, every kiss as a sin?

  "You can see now why I have to get going," he said sternly and stood up.

  "No, Jimmy." I reached out and seized his wrist. "I don't know whether or not I can ever do what you hope, but we're not going to find out if we're apart. We're just going to always wonder and wonder until the wondering becomes too much and we stop caring."

  He shook his head.

  "I'll never stop caring about you, Dawn," he said with such firmness, it washed away any shred of doubt. "No matter how far away I am or how much time passes. Never."

  "Don't run off, Jimmy," I pleaded. I held on to his wrist, and his body finally relaxed. He lowered himself back to the bunk, and we sat there beside each other, neither speaking, me holding his wrist, him staring ahead, his chest lifting and falling with his own excitement.

  "My heart's pounding so much," I whispered and lowered my forehead against his shoulder. Now, whenever we touched, it sent a streak of warmth through my body. I felt feverish.

  "Mine, too," he said. I brought my palm to his chest and pressed it against his heart to feel the thumping; and then I lifted his hand and brought it to my breast so he could feel mine.

  The moment his fingers were pressed to my bosom, he closed his eyes tightly, just like someone in pain.

  "Jimmy," I said softly, "I don't know whether I could ever be your girlfriend, but I don't want to wonder forever."

  Slowly, almost a millimeter at a time, he turned his face to mine. Our lips were inches apart. It was me who moved toward him first, but then he moved toward me, and we kissed on the lips for the first time as boy and girl might kiss. All our years as brother and sister came raining down around us, threatening to drown us in dark and gloomy guilt, but we held on to each other.

  When we parted, he stared at me with a face sculptured in seriousness, not a line creasing softly, his dark eyes searching mine quickly for some sign. I smiled and his body relaxed.

  "We haven't been properly introduced," I said.

  "Huh'?"

  "I'm Dawn Cutler. What's your name?" He shook his head. "Jimmy what?"

  "Very funny."

  "It isn't funny, Jimmy," I replied. "We are meeting for the first time in a way, aren't we? Maybe, if we pretend”"

  "You always want to pretend." He shook his head again.

  "Try it, Jimmy. Just try it once. For me. Please." He sighed.

  "All right. I’m James Longchamp of the rent weed southern Longchamps, but you can call me Jimmy."

  I giggled. "See? It wasn't that hard to do." I lay down on my side and looked up at him. His smile widened, spreading through his face and brightened his eyes.

  "You're so crazy, but so special," he said, running his fingers up my arm. He touched my neck, and I closed my eyes. I felt him lean over, and then I felt his lips on my cheek and a moment later pressing against mine again.

  His hands moved over my breasts. I moaned and reached up to bring him down to me. All the while as we kissed and caressed, I kept smothering the voice that tried to scream out that this was Jimmy, my brother, Jimmy. If he had similar thoughts about me, they were driven down, too, held underwater by the building passion and excitement as our bodies touched and our hands and arms held us tightly to each other.

  I was back on that merry-go-round of emotions, only it was spinning faster than ever, and I was getting so dizzy, I thought I would become unconscious. I never even realized he had unbuttoned my uniform and his fingers had traveled under my bra until I felt the tips slip over my firming nipples. I wanted him to stop, and I wanted him to go on.

  I opened my eyes and looked into his face. His eyes were closed; he looked lost in a dream. A smothered groan escaped his lips—more like a moan. As the skirt of my uniform traveled up my thighs, he slipped himself between my legs, and I felt that male part of him grow hard against me. It sent a panic up through my bosom.

  "Jimmy!"

  He stopped and opened his eyes. Suddenly they were filled with shock as he realized what he had done and what he was doing. He pulled back quickly and turned away. My heart was drumming against my chest, making it hard for me to catch my breath. As soon as I had, I put my hand on his back.

  But he pulled away as if my hand were on fire, keeping his back to me.

  "It's all right, Jimmy," I said softly. He shook his head.

  "I’m sorry."

  "It’s all right. I just got frightened. It wasn’t because of who we were to each other. I would have gotten frightened no matter who you were."

  He turned and looked at me skeptically.

  "Really," I said.

  "But you can't stop thinking of me as your brother, can you?" he asked, his anticipation of disappointment making his eyes darker and bringing creases to his forehead.

  "I don't know, Jimmy," I said honestly. It looked as though he might cry. "it's not something that I can do quickly, but . . . I'd like to try," I added. That pleased him and his smile returned. "Will you stay a little longer?"

  "Well," he said, "I do have some pressing engagements with my business associates in Atlanta, but I suppose I could manage a few more days.

  "See," said quickly, "pretending isn't so hard for you either."

  He laughed and lay back beside me again.

  'It's the effect you have on me, Dawn. You always kept the ghosts and doom out of my eyes?' He traced my lip with forefinger and grew serious again. "If only something good could come out of all this . . ."

  "Something will, Jimmy. You'll see," I promised.

  "I don’t care what your real parents and your grandma say, Dawn has to be your name. You bring sunshine into the darkest places."

  We both closed our eyes and started to bring our lips toward each other's again, when suddenly the hideaway door was thrust open and we turned to see Clara Sue standing in the hideaway doorway, her hands on her hips, a gleeful smile of satisfaction on her twisted lips.

  14

  VIOLATIONS

  "Well, Isn’t this a pleasant surprise," Clara Sue purred, sauntering farther in. "I came here expecting to find you with Phillip but instead it’s your . . ." She stared a moment and then smiled. "What should we call him? Brother? Boyfriend?" she laughed. "Maybe both?"

  "Shut up," Jimmy snapped, the blood rushing to his face.

  "Clara Sue, please," I pleaded. "Jimmy’s had to run away from a terrible foster father. He’s had a horrible time and now he’s on his way to Georgia to live with relatives."

  She whipped her eyes to me and flared them with hate. Then she put her hands on her hips.

  "Grandmother sent me to find you," she said. "Some kids had a food fight in the coffee shop, and we need all the chambermaids to help clean up." She gazed again at Jimmy, a sly smile returning to her twisted lips. "How long are you going to keep him hidden here? Grandmother would sure be angry if she knew," she said, her threatening note clear.

  "I'm leaving," Jimmy said. "You don't have to worry."

  "I'm not the one who has to be worried," she sneered.

  "Jimmy, don't go yet," I said, pleading with my eyes for him not to leave.

  "It's al
l right," Clara Sue suddenly said in a much softer, kinder tone of voice. "He can stay. I won't tell anyone. It might be fun."

  "It's not fun," Jimmy said. "I don't want to get people in trouble on account of me."

  "Does Philip know about all this?" Clara Sue demanded.

  "He brought him down here," I said, replacing the sneer on her face with a look of indignation. Her hands flew back to her hips.

  "Nobody tells me anything," she moaned. "You come and everyone forgets I'm part of the family. You better get inside before Grandmother sends someone else to look for you, too," she warned, her eyes turning cold and hard again.

  "Jimmy, you won't run off, will you?" I said. He looked at Clara Sue and then shook his head.

  "I'll wait," he said. "As long as she promises not to tell and get you in trouble."

  I looked imploringly at Clara Sue. I wanted to tear into her for trying to get me into trouble with the necklace, but I had to keep my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth. In order to protect Jimmy, I had to remain under her thumb.

  "I said I wouldn't tell, didn't I?"

  "Thank you, Clara Sue." I turned back to Jimmy. "I'll return as soon as I can," I promised and started out. Clara Sue lingered behind me, staring at Jimmy. He ignored her and returned to the bunk.

  "Boy, wouldn’t Louise Williams like to know he’s here. She would come right away." She laughed, but Jimmy didn’t look at her or say anything, so she turned and followed me out.

  “Please help us Clara Sue,” I pleaded as we walked up the cement stairway. “Jimmy’s had a terrible time living with a cruel man. He hitched rides and didn’t eat for days. He needs to rest up.”

  She didn’t say anything for a moment, and then she smiled.

  “Luckily Mrs. Clairmont found her necklace,” she said.

  “Yes lucky.” There was no love lost between us as we stared hatefully at each other.

  “All right, I’ll help you,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “As long as you help me, too.”

  “What can I do for you?” I asked, surprised. Mother and Father bought her anything she wanted. She lived upstairs in a warm, cozy suite, and she had a nice job in the hotel and could dress up and be pretty and clean all day.