Asking for It

Page 58

“Not exactly. ”

Maybe I should feel elated. Jonah doesn’t have a girlfriend. He wasn’t using me to cheat, or having sex with somebody else, any of that.

But Jonah’s behavior isn’t the issue. My jealousy is.

The envy and fear I felt when I saw Jonah and Rosalind together told me a truth I’d wanted to deny: I want more from Jonah. More than sex, more than this twisted fantasy that imprisons us both. I have no idea what more could mean, for us.

Nothing, probably. Jonah made it very clear from the very first time he suggested our arrangement that he wasn’t looking for romance.

And it terrifies me that I feel this way about a man who pretended to rape me.

Rosalind says, “I’m not one bit surprised he didn’t get around to telling you about me yet, much less introducing us. Jonah’s one of the most private people I’ve ever met. ”

I nod as I realize just how strong those steel walls around him truly are.

“So, if I’ve set your mind at ease, I should get back to work. ” She rises and goes to the door, but pauses with a hand on the knob. “One last thing—”

“—yeah?”

“Jonah almost never talks about his personal life. But he talked about you. ”

My reckless heart aches and warms at the same moment. “What did he say?”

“Very little. Your name, that you were someone he’d spent time with. He spoke about you just today, actually, when we grabbed a quick dinner—he worried he’d upset you. That’s about it,” Rosalind says. “Which is more information than he’s given me about any other woman in his life in the four years we’ve been friends. Whatever else is going on—you’re important to him. ” Rosalind gives me a crooked smile. “So if I’m what you were upset about, no more worries, all right?”

I want to believe her. I want it too much. Right now I might make myself believe anything if it meant going back to Jonah.

More lightly, Rosalind says, “Good-bye, Vivienne. I’m sure we’ll see each other around, one way or another. ”

Then she’s gone, and I sit alone in the examination room for a few long minutes, feeling a kind of pain no medicine can cure.

Once I’ve pulled myself together, I go back to the waiting room. Arturo and Carmen are still in tears, but after some more hugging and lots of Kleenex, Arturo returns to Shay’s side. Carmen and I make an emergency Target run.

“She’ll want socks,” Carmen says, pushing the red shopping cart toward the women’s section. “Soft fuzzy socks, so her feet won’t be cold. And could we get her a maternity nightgown, or does she have to wear that stupid hospital one the entire time? I bet she does. Well, would she want any pillows? Maybe the ones in the hospital suck. Anyway, everybody likes extra pillows. ”

“Calm down, okay?” If I don’t stop her, she’s likely to walk out of here with half the store’s merchandise. “Shay only asked for some snacks and something new to read. Let’s just grab that and get back to her before visiting hours are over. ”

Carmen looks like she might start crying again. “I just want to take care of her. ”

“I know. And Shay knows that too, okay?” I give Carmen a quick hug around the shoulders.

She isn’t convinced. “I dug myself a pretty deep hole. ”

“Well—yeah. But you can’t shop your way out of it. Let’s listen to Shay and Arturo for a while. Take your cues from them. ”

Finally Carmen nods. “But I still think the socks are a good idea. ”

“They are, aren’t they?” So we pick up some of those, too.

Our visit to Shay’s bedside is necessarily brief—visiting hours are ending, and she’s clearly tired and emotional. Carmen babbles on about the stuff we bought, while I set the granola bars and cups of applesauce nearby, where she can reach them. Arturo keeps his hand in Shay’s the entire time.

As I drive home that night, I keep thinking about the way Arturo and Shay held hands. Today they faced unbelievable pain and fear, together. Arturo kept himself together for Shay’s sake even when he must have been on the verge of panic—and in the hospital room afterward, even as she lay on the brink of exhaustion, Shay somehow summoned the strength to comfort Arturo too.

Their ages don’t matter. Whatever it is that binds people together through a lifetime—the kind of love that allows them to transcend themselves for the sake of someone else—Shay and Arturo have it.

As for me? I have complicated feelings for a complicated man. Rosalind says some of those feelings might be returned—but all Jonah told her was my name.