Jane Eyre

  Chapter XXV

  The month of courtship had wasted; its very last hours were being numbered. There was no putting off the day that advanced--the bridal day; and all preparations for its arrival were complete. I, at least, had nothing more to do. There were my trunks, packed, locked, corded, ranged in a row along the wall of my little chamber; to-morrow, at this time, they will be far on their road to London; and so should I (D.V.),gi or, rather, not I, but one Jane Rochester, a person whom as yet I knew not. The cards of address alone remained to nail on; they lay, four little squares, on the drawer. Mr. Rochester had himself written the direction, "Mrs. Rochester, Hotel, London," on each; I could not persuade myself to affix them, or to have them affixed. Mrs. Rochester! she did not exist; she would not be born till to-morrow, some time after eight o'clock A.M., and I would wait to be assured she had come into the world alive, before I assigned to her all that property. It was enough that, in yonder closet, opposite my dressing-table, garments said to be hers had already displaced my black stuff Lowood frock and straw bonnet; for not to me appertained that suit of wedding raiment--the pearl-colored robe, the vapory veil, pendent from the usurped portmanteau.gj I shut the closet to conceal the strange, wraith-like apparel it contained, which, at this evening hour--nine o'clock--gave out certainly a most ghostly shimmer through the shadow of my apartment. "I will leave you by yourself, white dream," I said; "I am feverish; I hear the wind blowing, I will go out of doors and feel it."

  It was not only the hurry of preparation that made me feverish; not only the anticipation of the great change--the new life which was to commence to-morrow; both these circumstances had their share, doubtless, in producing that restless, excited mood which hurried me forth at this late hour into the darkening grounds, but a third cause influenced my mind more than they.

  I had at heart a strange and anxious thought. Something had happened which I could not comprehend. No one knew of or had seen the event but myself; it had taken place the preceding night. Mr. Rochester, that night, was absent from home, nor was he yet returned. Business had called him to a small estate of two or three farms he possessed, thirty miles off--business it was requisite he should settle in person, previous to his meditated departure from England. I waited now his return, eager to disburden my mind, and to seek of him the solution of the enigma that perplexed me. Stay till he comes, reader; and, when I disclose my secret to him, you shall share the confidence.

  I sought the orchard, driven to its shelter by the wind, which all day had blown strong and full from the south, without, however, bringing a speck of rain. Instead of subsiding as night drew on, it seemed to augment its rush and deepen its roar. The trees blew steadfastly one way, never writhing round, and scarcely tossing back their boughs once in an hour, so continuous was the strain bending their branchy heads northward. The clouds drifted from pole to pole, fast following, mass on mass. No glimpse of blue sky had been visible that July day.

  It was not without a certain wild pleasure I ran before the wind, delivering my trouble of mind to the measureless air-torrent thundering through space. Descending the laurel-walk, I faced the wreck of the chestnut-tree. It stood up, black and riven; the trunk, split down the centre, gaped ghastly. The cloven halves were not broken from each other, for the firm base and strong roots kept them unsundered below, though community of vitality was destroyed--the sap could flow no more; their great boughs on each side were dead, and next winter's tempests would be sure to fell one or both to earth; as yet, however, they might be said to form one tree--a ruin--but an entire ruin.

  "You did right to hold fast to each other," I said, as if the monster splinters were living things and could hear me. "I think, scathed as you look, and charred and scorched, there must be a little sense of life in you yet, rising out of that adhesion at the faithful, honest roots. You will never have green leaves more--never more see birds making nests, and singing idyls in your boughs; the time of pleasure and love is over with you; but you are not desolate; each of you has a comrade to sympathize with him in his decay." As I looked up at them, the moon appeared momentarily in that part of the sky which filled their fissure; her disk was blood-red and half overcast. She seemed to throw on me one bewildered, dreary glance, and buried herself again instantly in the deep drift of cloud. The wind fell, for a second, round Thornfield; but far away, over wood and water, poured a wild, melancholy wail. It was sad to listen to, and I ran off again.

  Here and there I strayed through the orchard, gathering up the apples with which the grass round the tree-roots was thickly strewed. Then I employed myself in dividing the ripe from the unripe. I carried them into the house and put them away in the store-room. Then I repaired to the library to ascertain whether the fire was lighted; for, though summer, I knew on such a gloomy evening Mr. Rochester would like to see a cheerful hearth when he came in; yes, the fire had been kindled some time, and burned well. I placed his arm-chair by the chimney-corner; I wheeled the table near it; I let down the curtain, and had the candles brought in ready for lighting. More restless than ever, when I had completed these arrangements I could not sit still, nor even remain in the house. A little time-piece in the room and the old clock in the hall simultaneously struck ten.

  "How late it grows!" I said. "I will run down to the gates; it is moonlight at intervals; I can see a good way on the road. He may be coming now, and to meet him will save some minutes of suspense."

  The wind roared high in the great trees which embowered the gates; but the road, as far as I could see, to the right hand and the left, was all still and solitary; save for the shadows of clouds crossing it at intervals, as the moon looked out, it was but a long, pale line, unvaried by one moving speck.

  A puerile tear dimmed my eye while I looked--a tear of disappointment and impatience; ashamed of it, I wiped it away. I lingered; the moon shut herself wholly within her chamber, and drew close her curtain of dense cloud; the night grew dark; rain came driving fast on the gale.

  "I wish he would come! I wish he would come!" I exclaimed, seized with hypochondriacgk foreboding. I had expected his arrival before tea; now it was dark; what could keep him? Had an accident happened? The event of last night again recurred to me. I interpreted it as a warning of disaster; I feared my hopes were too bright to be realized; and I had enjoyed so much bliss lately that I imagined my fortune had passed its meridian, and must now decline.

  "Well, I cannot return to the house," I thought. "I cannot sit by the fireside while he is abroad in inclement weather. Better tire my limbs than strain my heart; I will go forward and meet him."

  I set out. I walked fast, but not far. Ere I had measured a quarter of a mile, I heard the tramp of hoofs. A horseman came on, full gallop--a dog ran by his side. Away with evil presentiment! It was he. Here he was, mounted on Mesrour, followed by Pilot. He saw me, for the moon had opened a blue field in the sky, and rode in it watery bright. He took his hat off and waved it round his head. I now ran to meet him.

  "There!" he exclaimed, as he stretched out his hand and bent from the saddle. "You can't do without me, that is evident. Step on my boot-toe; give me both hands; mount!"

  I obeyed. Joy made me agile; I sprung up before him. A hearty kissing I got for welcome, and some boastful triumph, which I swallowed as well as I could. He checked himself in his exultation to demand, "But is there anything the matter, Janet, that you come to meet me at such an hour? Is there anything wrong?"

  "No; but I thought you would never come. I could not bear to wait in the house for you, especially with this rain and wind."

  "Rain and wind indeed! Yes, you are dripping like a mermaid. Pull my cloak round you; but I think you are feverish, Jane; both your cheek and hand are burning hot. I ask again, is there anything the matter?"

  "Nothing, now; I am neither afraid nor unhappy."

  "Then you have been both?"

  "Rather--but I'll tell you all about it by and by, sir; and I dare say you will only laugh at me for my pains."

  "I'll laug
h at you heartily when to-morrow is past; till then I dare not; my prize is not certain. This is you, who have been as slippery as an eel this last month, and as thorny as a brier-rose? I could not lay a finger anywhere but I was pricked; and now I seem to have gathered up a stray lamb in my arms; you wandered out of the fold to seek your shepherd; did you, Jane?"

  "I wanted you; but don't boast. Here we are at Thornfield; now let me get down."

  He landed me on the pavement. As John took his horse and he followed me into the hall, he told me to make haste and put something dry on, and then to return to him in the library; and he stopped me, as I made for the stair-case, to extort a promise that I would not be long; nor was I long; in five minutes I rejoined him. I found him at supper.

  "Take a seat, and bear me company, Jane; please God, it is the last meal but one you will eat at Thornfield Hall for a long time."

  I sat down near him, but told him I could not eat.

  "Is it because you have the prospect of a journey before you, Jane? Is it the thoughts of going to London that takes away your appetite?"

  "I cannot see my prospects clearly tonight, sir; and I hardly know what thoughts I have in my head. Everything in life seems unreal."

  "Except me; I am substantial enough--touch me."

  "You, sir, are the most phantom-like of all; you are a mere dream."

  He held out his hand, laughing. "Is that a dream?" said he, placing it close to my eyes. He had a rounded, muscular, and vigorous hand, as well as a long, strong arm.

  "Yes; though I touch it, it is a dream," said I, as I put it down from before my face. "Sir, have you finished supper?"

  "Yes, Jane."

  I rung the bell, and ordered away the tray. When we were again alone, I stirred the fire, and then took a low seat at my master's knee.

  "It is near midnight," I said.

  "Yes; but remember, Jane, you promised to wake with me the night before my wedding."

  "I did; and I will keep my promise, for an hour or two at least; I have no wish to go to bed."

  "Are all your arrangements complete?"

  "All, sir."

  "And on my part, likewise," he returned. "I have settled everything; and we shall leave Thornfield to-morrow, within half an hour after our return from church."

  "Very well, sir."

  "With what an extraordinary smile you uttered that word, 'very well,' Jane! What a bright spot of color you have on each cheek! and how strangely your eyes glitter! Are you well?"

  "I believe I am."

  "Believe! What is the matter? Tell me what you feel."

  "I could not, sir: no words could tell you what I feel. I wish this present hour would never end; who knows with what fate the next may come charged?"

  "This is hypochondria, Jane. You have been over-excited or over-fatigued."

  "Do you, sir, feel calm and happy?"

  "Calm? no; but happy--to the heart's core."65

  I looked up at him to read the signs of bliss in his face; it was ardent and flushed.

  "Give me your confidence, Jane," he said; "relieve your mind of any weight that oppresses it, by imparting it to me. What do you fear?--that I shall not prove a good husband?"

  "It is the idea farthest from my thoughts."

  "Are you apprehensive of the new sphere you are about to enter? of the life into which you are passing?"

  "No."

  "You puzzle me, Jane; your look and tone of sorrowful audacity perplex and pain me. I want an explanation."

  "Then, sir, listen. You were from home last night?"

  "I was; I know that; and you hinted a while ago at something which had happened in my absence--nothing, probably, of consequence; but, in short, it has disturbed you. Let me hear it. Mrs. Fairfax has said something, perhaps? or you have overheard the servants talk? Your sensitive self-respect has been wounded?"

  "No, sir." It struck twelve--I waited till the time-piece had concluded its silver chime, and the clock its hoarse, vibrating stroke, and then I proceeded.

  "All day, yesterday, I was very busy, and very happy in my ceaseless bustle; for I am not, as you seem to think, troubled by any haunting fears about the new sphere, et cetera; I think it a glorious thing to have the hope of living with you, because I love you. No, sir, don't caress me now--let me talk undisturbed. Yesterday I trusted well in Providence, and believed that events were working together for your good and mine;66 it was a fine day, if you recollect--the calmness of the air and sky forbade apprehensions respecting your safety or comfort on your journey. I walked a little while on the pavement after tea, thinking of you; and I beheld you in imagination so near me, I scarcely missed your actual presence. I thought of the life that lay before me--your life, sir--an existence more expansive and stirring than my own; as much more so as the depths of the sea to which the brook runs are than the shallows of its own strait channel. I wondered why moralists call this world a dreary wilderness; for me it blossomed like a rose.67 Just at sunset, the air turned cold and the sky cloudy; I went in. Sophie called me up stairs to look at my wedding-dress, which they had just brought; and under it in the box I found your present--the veil which, in your princely extravagance, you sent for from London; resolved, I suppose, since I would not have jewels, to cheat me into accepting something as costly. I smiled as I unfolded it, and devised how I would tease you about your aristocratic tastes, and your efforts to mask your plebeian bride in the attributes of a peeress. I thought how I would carry down to you the square of unembroidered blondgl I had myself prepared as a covering for my low-born head, and ask if that was not good enough for a woman who could bring her husband neither fortune, beauty, nor connections. I saw plainly how you would look; and heard your impetuous republican gm answers, and your haughty disavowal of any necessity on your part to augment your wealth, or elevate your standing, by marrying either a purse or a coronet."

  "How well you read me, you witch!" interposed Mr. Rochester; "but what did you find in the veil besides its embroidery? Did you find poison, or a dagger, that you look so mournful now?"

  "No, no, sir; besides the delicacy and richness of the fabric, I found nothing save Fairfax Rochester's pride; and that did not scare me, because I am used to the sight of the demon. But, sir, as it grew dark, the wind rose; it blew yesterday evening, not as it blows now, wild and high, but 'with a sullen, moaning sound,' far more eerie.68 I wished you were at home. I came into this room, and the sight of the empty chair and fireless hearth chilled me. For some time after I went to bed I could not sleep--a sense of anxious excitement distressed me. The gale, still rising, seemed to my ear to muffle a mournful undersound; whether in the house or abroad I could not at first tell, but it recurred, doubtful yet doleful, at every lull; at last I made out it must be some dog howling at a distance. I was glad when it ceased. On sleeping, I continued in dreams the idea of a dark and gusty night. I continued also the wish to be with you and experienced a strange, regretful consciousness of some barrier dividing us. During all my first sleep, I was following the windings of an unknown road; total obscurity environed me; rain pelted me; I was burdened with the charge of a little child;69 a very small creature, too young and feeble to walk, and which shivered in my cold arms, and wailed piteously in my ear. I thought, sir, that you were on the road a long way before me; and I strained every nerve to overtake you, and made effort on effort to utter your name and entreat you to stop, but my movements were fettered, and my voice still died away inarticulate; while you, I felt, withdrew further and further every moment."

  "And these dreams weigh on your spirits now, Jane, when I am close to you? Little nervous subject! Forget visionary woe, and think only of real happiness! You say you love me, Janet; yes, I will not forget that; and you cannot deny it. Those words did not die inarticulate on your lips. I heard them clear and soft; a thought too solemn, perhaps, but sweet as music, 'I think it is a glorious thing to have the hope of living with you, Edward, because I love you.' Do you love me, Jane? repeat it."

  "I do
, sir, I do, with my whole heart."

  "Well," he said, after some minutes' silence, "it is strange; but that sentence has penetrated my breast painfully. Why? I think because you said it with such an earnest, religious energy; and because your upward gaze at me now is the very sublime of faith, truth, and devotion; it is too much as if some spirit were near me. Look wicked, Jane, as you know well how to look; coin one of your wild, sly, provoking smiles; tell me you hate me--tease me, vex me; do anything but move me; I would rather be incensed than saddened."

  "I will tease you and vex you to your heart's content when I have finished my tale; but hear me to the end."

  "I thought, Jane, you had told me all. I thought I had found the source of your melancholy in a dream!"

  I shook my head. "What! is there more? But I will not believe it to be anything important. I warn you of incredulity beforehand. Go on."

  The disquietude of his air, the somewhat apprehensive impatience of his manner, surprised me; but I proceeded.

  "I dreamed another dream, sir; that Thornfield Hall was a dreary ruin, the retreat of bats and owls. I thought that of all the stately front nothing remained but a shell-like wall, very high and very fragile-looking. I wandered, on a moonlight night, through the grass-grown inclosure within; here I stumbled over a marble hearth, and there over a fallen fragment of cornice. Wrapped up in a shawl, I still carried the unknown little child; I might not lay it down anywhere; however tired were my arms--however much its weight impeded my progress, I must retain it. I heard the gallop of a horse at a distance on the road; I was sure it was you; and you were departing for many years, and for a distant country. I climbed the thin wall with frantic, perilous haste, eager to catch one glimpse of you from the top; the stones rolled from under my feet, the ivy branches I grasped gave way, the child clung round my neck in terror, and almost strangled me; at last I gained the summit. I saw you like a speck on a white track, lessening every moment. The blast blew so strong I could not stand. I sat down on the narrow ledge; I hushed the scared infant in my lap; you turned an angle of the road; I bent forward to take a last look; the wall crumbled; I was shaken; the child rolled from my knee; I lost my balance, fell, and woke."