The Uttermost Farthing

  V

  BY-PRODUCTS OF INDUSTRY

  The next entry in the amazing "Museum Archives" exhibited my poor friendHumphrey Challoner in circumstances that were to me perfectlyincredible. When I recall that learned, cultivated man as I knew him, Ifind it impossible to picture him living amidst the indescribablysqualid surroundings of the London Ghetto, the tenant of a sordid littleshop in an East End by-street. Yet this appears actually to have beenhis condition at one time--but let me quote the entry in his own words,which need no comments of mine to heighten their strangeness.

  "Events connected with the acquirement of Numbers 7, 8 and 9 in theAnthropological Series:

  "We are the creatures of circumstance. Blind chance, which guided thatunknown wretch to my house in the dead of the night and which led mydear wife to her death at his murderous hands, also impelled that othervillain (Number 6, Anthropological Series) to pursue me to the lonelychalk-pit, where he would have done me to death had I not fortunatelyanticipated his intentions. So, too, it was by a mere chance that Ipresently found myself the proprietor of a shop in a Whitechapelback-street.

  "Let me trace the connections of events.

  "The first link in the chain was a visit that I had paid in my youngerdays to Moscow and Warsaw, where I had stayed long enough to acquire auseful knowledge of Russian and Yiddish. The second link was the failureof my plan to lure the murderer of my wife--and, incidentally, othercriminals--to my house. The trap had been scented not only by thecriminals but also by the police, of whom one had visited my museum withvery evident suspicion as to the nature of my specimens.

  "After the visit of the detective, I was rather at a loose end. Thatunknown wretch was still at large. He had to be found and I had to findhim since the police could not. But how? That detective had completelyupset my plans and, for a time, I could think of no other. Then came thedirty rascal who had tried to murder me in the chalk-pit; and from hismongrel jargon, half cockney, half foreign, I had gathered a vague hint.If I could not entice the criminal population into my domain, how wouldit be to reconnoiter theirs? The alien area of London was well known tome, for it had always seemed interesting since my visit to Warsaw, and,judging from the police reports, it appeared to be a veritable happyhunting-ground for the connoisseur in criminals.

  "Hence it was that my unrest led me almost daily to perambulate thatstrange region east of Aldgate where uncouth foreign names stare outfrom the shop signs and almost every public or private notice is in theHebrew character. Dressed in my shabbiest clothes, I trudged, hour afterhour and day after day, through the gray and joyless streets and alleys,looking earnestly into the beady eyes and broad faces of theEast-European wayfarers and wondering whether any of them was the man Isought.

  "One evening, as I was returning homeward through the district thatlies at the rear of Middlesex Street, my attention was arrested by alarge card tacked on the door of a closed shop. A dingy barber's polegave a clue to the nature of the industry formerly carried on, and thecard--which was written upon in fair and even scholarly Hebrewcharacters--supplied particulars. I had stopped to read the inscription,faintly amused at the incongruity between the recondite Orientallettering and the matter-of-fact references to 'eligible premises' and'fixtures and goodwill,' when the door opened and two men came out. Onewas a typical English Jew, smart, chubby and prosperous; the other wasevidently a foreigner.

  "Both men stood aside to enable me to continue my reading, and, as I wasabout to turn away, the smarter of the two addressed me.

  "'Good chanth here, misther. Nithe little bithness going for nothing. Nocharge for goodwill or fixtures. Ready-made bithneth and nothing to paybut rent.'

  "'Ja!' the other man broke in, 'dat shop is a leedle goldmine; und youbuys 'im for noding.'

  "It was an absurd situation. I was beginning smilingly to shake my headwhen the Jew resumed eagerly:

  "I tell you, misther, itth a chanth in a million. A firth clath bithnethand not a brown to pay for the goodwill. Come in and have a look round,'he added persuasively.

  "I suppose I am curious by nature. At any rate, I am sure it was nothingbut idle curiosity to see what the interior of a Whitechapel house waslike that led me to follow the two men into the dark and musty-smellingshop. But hardly had my eyes lighted on the frowsy fixtures andappurtenances of the trade when there flashed into my mind a reallyluminous idea.

  "'Why did the last man leave?' I asked.

  "The Jew caught the lapel of my coat and exclaimed impressively:

  "'The lath man wath a fool. Got himself mixthed up with the crookth.Thet up a roulette table in the thellar and let 'em come and gamble awaytheir thwag. Thtoopid thing to do, though, mind you, he did a rare goodline while it lathted. Got the sthuff for nothing, you thee.' His toneat this point was regretfully sympathetic.

  "'What happened in the end?' I asked.

  "'The copperth dropped on him. Thomebody gave him away.'

  "'Some of the ladies, perhaps,' I suggested.

  "'Ach! Zo!' the other man burst in fiercely, 'Of gourse it vas dervimmen! It is always der vimmen. Dese dam vimmen, dey makes all derdrabble!' He thumped the table with his fist, and then, catching theHebrew's eye, suddenly subsided into silence.

  "From the shop we proceeded to the little parlor behind, from which adoor gave access, by a flight of most dangerous stone steps, to thelarge cellar. This was lighted by a grating from the back yard, withwhich it also communicated by a flight of steps and a door. We nextexamined the yard itself, a small paved enclosure with a gate opening onan alley, and occupied at the moment by an empty beer-barrel, abuilder's hand-cart and a dead cat.

  "'Like to thee the upstairth roomth?' inquired the Hebrew gentleman,whose name I understood to be Nathan. I nodded abstractedly andfollowed him up the stairs, gathering a general impression ofall-pervading dirt. The upper rooms were of no interest to me after whatI had seen downstairs.

  "'Well,' said Mr. Nathan when we were once more back in the shop, 'whatdo you think of it?'

  "I did not answer his question literally. If I had, I should havestartled him. For I thought the place absolutely ideal for my purpose.Just consider its potentialities! I was searching for a criminal whom Icould identify by his hair. Here was a barber's shop in the heart of acriminal neighborhood and admittedly the late haunt of criminals. Thosecriminals were certain to come back. I could examine their hair at myleisure; and--there was the cellar. It was, I repeat, absolutely ideal.

  "'I think the place will suit me,' I said.

  "Mr. Nathan beamed on me. 'Of courth,' he said, 'referentheth will benethethary, or rent in advanthe.'

  "'A year's rent in advance will do, I suppose?' said I; and Mr. Nathannearly jumped clear off the floor. A few minutes later I departed, theaccepted tenant (under the pseudonym of Simon Vosper) of Samuel Nathan,with the understanding that I should deliver my advance rent inbank-notes and that he should have the top-dressing of dirt removed fromthe house and the name of Vosper painted over the shop.

  "My preparations for the new activities on which I was to enter werequickly made. In my Bloomsbury house I installed as caretaker a retiredsergeant-major of incomparable taciturnity. I locked up the museum wingand kept the keys. I took a few lessons in haircutting from a West-Endbarber. I paid my advance rent, sent in a set of bedroom furniture to mynew premises in Saul Street, Whitechapel, abandoned the habit of shavingfor some ten days, and then took possession of the shop.

  "At first the customers were few and far between. A stray coster orcarman came in from time to time, but mostly the shop was silent anddesolate. But this did not distress me. I had various preparations tomake and a plan of campaign to settle. There were the cellar stairs,for instance; a steep flight of stone steps, unguarded by baluster orhandrail. They were very dangerous. But when I had fitted a sort ofgiant stride by suspending a stout rope from the ceiling, I was able toswing myself down the whole flight in perfect safety. Other preparationsconsisted in the placing, of an iron safe in the parlor (with a smallm
irror above it) and the purchase of a tin of stiff cart-grease and afew large barrels. These latter I bought from a cooper in the form ofstaves and hoops, and built them up in the cellar in my rather extensivespare time.

  "Meanwhile trade gradually increased. The harmless coster and laborerbegan to be varied by customers rather more in my line; in fact, I hadnot quite completed my arrangements when I got the first windfall.

  "It was a Wednesday evening. I had nearly finished shaving a large,military-looking laborer when the door opened very quietly and a seedy,middle-aged man entered and sat down. His movements were silent--almoststealthy; and, when he had seated himself, he picked up a newspaperfrom behind which I saw him steal furtive and suspicious glances at thepatient in the operating chair. The latter, being scraped clean, rose todepart, and the newcomer underwent a total eclipse behind the newspaper.

  "'Oo's 'e?' he demanded, when the laborer was safely outside.

  "'I don't know him,' I replied, 'but I should say, by his hands, alaborer.'

  "'Looked rather like a copper,' said my customer. He took his place inthe vacated chair with a laconic ''Air cut,' and then becameconversational.

  "'So you've took on Polensky's job?'

  "I nodded at the mirror that faced us (Polensky was my predecessor) andhe continued, 'Polensky's doing time, ain't he?'

  "I believed he was and said so, and my friend then asked:

  "'Young Pongo ever come in here now?'

  "Naturally I had never heard of young Pongo, but I felt that I must notappear too ignorant. It were better to invent a little.

  "'Pongo,' I ruminated; 'Pongo. Is that the fellow who was with JoeBartels in that job at--er--you know?'

  "'No, I don't,' said my friend. 'And 'oo's Joe Bartels?'

  "'Oh, I thought you knew him; but if you don't I'd better say no more.You see, I don't know who you are.'

  "'Don't yer. Then I'll tell yer. I'm Spotty Bamber, of Spitalfields,that's 'oo I am. So now you know.'

  "I made a mental note of the name (the first part of which hadapparently been suggested by Mr. Bamber's complexion) and my attentionmust have wandered somewhat, for my patient suddenly shouted: 'Ere! Isay! I didn't come 'ere to be scalped. I come to 'ave my 'air cut.'

  "I apologized and led the conversation back to Polensky.

  "'Ah,' said Bamber, ''e was a downy un, 'e was. Bit too downy. Opened hismouth too wide. Wanted it all for nix. That was why he got peached on--'Here Spotty turned his head with a jerk--'What are you looking at methrough that thing for? My 'ed ain't as small as all that.'

  "'That thing' was a Coddington lens, through which I examined the hairof every customer with a view to identification. But I did not tell Mr.Bamber this. My explanation was recondite and rather obscure, but itseemed to satisfy him.

  "'Well,' he said, 'you're a rum cove. Talk like a blooming toff too, youdo.' I made a careful mental note of that fact and determined to studythe local dialect. Meanwhile I explained, 'I wasn't always ahairdresser, you know.'

  "'So I should suppose,' answered Spotty, twisting his neck to get a lookat his poll in the glass. 'What you'd call a bloomin' ammerchewer.' Hestood up, shook himself and tendered a half-crown in payment, which Iexamined carefully before giving change. Then I brought out of my pocketa handful of assorted coins, including two sovereigns, a quantity ofsilver and some coppers. I do not ordinarily carry my money mixed up inthis slovenly fashion, but had adopted the habit, since I came to theshop, for a definite reason; and was now justified by the avariciousglare that lighted up in Spotty's eye at the sight of the coins in myhand.

  "I picked out his change deliberately and handed it to him, when he tookit and stood for a few seconds, evidently thinking hard. Suddenly hethrust his hand into his pocket and said, 'I suppose, mister, youhaven't got such a thing as a fi-pun-note what you can give me inexchange for five jimmies?' He held out five sovereigns, which I tookfrom him and inspected critically.

  "'Oh, they're all right,' said Spotty, as I weighed them in my hand. Andso they were.

  "'I think I can let you have a note if you will wait a moment,' I said;and, as I turned to enter the parlor, Spotty sat down ostentatiously inthe chair.

  "I drew the door to after me, but did not latch it. A small jet of gaswas burning in the parlor and by its light I unlocked the safe, pulledout a drawer, took from it a bundle of banknotes and looked them over;all very deliberately and with my eye on the mirror that hung above thesafe. That mirror reflected the door. It also reflected me, but as thelight was on my back my face was in the shadow. Hardly had I opened thesafe when, slowly and silently, the door opened a couple of inches andan eye appeared in the space. I picked a note out of the bundle,returned the remainder to the drawer, closed the safe and slowly walkedto the door. When I re-entered the shop, Spotty was seated in the chairas I had left him, with the immovable air of an Egyptian statue.

  "I have no doubt that Spotty Bamber chuckled with joy when he gotoutside. I should like to think so, to feel that our pleasure wasmutual. For as to me, my feelings can only be appreciated by somepatient angler who, after a long and fruitless sitting, has seen his

  "'quill or cork down sink With eager bite of perch or bleak or dace.'

  "Spotty was on the hook. He would come again, and not alone--at least, Itrusted not alone. For my brief inspection of his hair had convinced methat he was not the unknown man whom I sought; and, though he wouldmake an acceptable addition to the group of specimens in the longwall-case, I was more interested in the companion whom I felt confidenthe would bring with him. The elation of spirit produced by the prospectof this second visit was such that I forthwith closed the shop and spentthe rest of the evening exercising with the concussor and practicingflying leaps down the cellar steps with the aid of the giant-stride.

  "I slept little that night. As a special precaution against failure, Ihad left the back gate unbolted and refrained from locking the outsidecellar door; with the sole result that I was roused up at one in themorning by a meddlesome constable and rebuked sourly for mycarelessness. Otherwise, not a soul came to enliven my solitude. Thesecond night passed in the same dull fashion, leaving me restless anddisappointed; and when the third slipped by without the sign of avisitor, I became really uneasy.

  "The fourth day was Saturday, and the late evening--the end of theSabbath--turned my shop into a veritable Land of Goshen. Theconversation, mostly in Yiddish--of which I professed totalignorance--kept me pretty well amused until closing time arrived. Then,as the shop emptied, my hopes and fears began to revive together.

  "I was about to begin shutting up the premises when the door openedsoftly and a man slipped into the shop. My heart leaped exultingly. Theman was Spotty Bamber.

  "And he was not alone. By no means. Two more men stole in in the samestealthy fashion, and, having first glanced at one another and thenpeered suspiciously round the shop, they all looked at me. For my part,I regarded them with deep interest, especially as to their hair.'Habitual Criminal' was written large on all of them. As anthropologicalmaterial they were quite excellent.

  "Mr. Bamber opened the proceedings with one eye on me and the other onthe door.

  "'Look, 'ere, mister, we've come about a little matter of business. Youknow Polensky used to do a bit of trade?'

  "'Yes,' I said; 'and now he's doing a bit of time.'

  "'I know,' replied Spotty, 'but you must take the fat with the lean. Itain't all soup. And _you_ know that Polensky was a bloomin' fool.'

  "'It comes to this 'ere,' said one of the other men, stepping up closeto me. 'Do you know a jerry when you sees one--a red 'un, mind you?'

  "As I had not the faintest idea what the man meant, I temporized.

  "'I haven't seen one yet, you know.'

  "The fellow looked furtively at the door and then, diving into an innerpocket, pulled out a handsome gold watch with a massive chain attached,exhibited it for a moment and then dropped it back.

  "'That's the little article,' said he, 'and before you makes a bid, y
oucan look it over and try if the stuff's genu-wine. But not out here, youknow. We does our deal inside where you can't get ogled by a copperthrough the winder.'

  "I saw the plan at a glance, and, in the main, approved, though three atonce was a bigger handful than I should have desired. They would requirecareful treatment.

  "'I will just go and see that it's all clear,' I said; and with this Iretired to the parlor, quietly bolting the door behind me.

  "Once inside, I made my simple preparations rapidly. Placing theconcussor in a tall cylindrical basket close to the cellar door, Iopened the latter and hitched the rope in a position where I could graspit easily. Then I took from the cupboard the tin of cart-grease, and,with a large knife, spread a thick layer of the grease on the upper foursteps of the cellar stairs. While thus engaged, I turned over my plansquickly but with considerable misgivings. The odds were greater than Iought to have taken. For, as to the intentions of these men, I couldhave no reasonable doubt. Bamber was known to me and he would not runthe risk of my giving information. The amiable intention of these gentrywas to 'do me in,' as they would have expressed it, and the vitalquestion for me was, How did they mean to do it? Firearms they wouldprobably avoid on account of the noise, but if they all came at me atonce with knives my chance would be infinitesimal.

  "It comes back to me now rather oddly that I weighed theseprobabilities quite impersonally, as though I were a mere spectator. Andsuch was virtually the case. The fact is that, although I had long sinceabandoned the idea of suicide, I remained alive as a matter of principleand not by personal desire. My objection to being killed was merely theabstract objection to the killing of any worthy member of society bythese human vermin. But if any such person must needs be killed, I wasquite indifferent as to whether the subject of the action were myself orsome other. I had no personal interest in the matter. Hence, when Iunbolted the door and beckoned the three men into the room, thoughdoubtful of the issue, I had no feeling of nervousness.

  "The advantage that my impassiveness gave me over those three rascalswas very evident when they slouched in, for they were all trembling andtwitching with nervous excitement. And no wonder. To a man who valueshis life above everything on earth, it is a serious matter to walk intothe very shadow of the gallows. As soon as they were inside, one ofthem, who looked like a Polish Jew, bolted the door; and then theygathered round me like a pack of hyenas.

  "I backed unostentatiously into the corner by the cellar door, talkingvolubly to the three men by turn as I went; and the Jew edged along thewall to get behind me. I realized that he was the one whom I had towatch, and I watched him; not looking at him, but keeping him on theperiphery of my field of vision. For, as is well known, the peripheralarea of the retina, although insensitive to impressions of form, ishighly sensitive to impressions of movement.

  "My remarks on the danger to respectable persons of meddling with stolenproperty gave Mr. Bamber his cue.

  "'Stolen property,' he roared. ''Oo said anything about stolen property?What d'yer mean, yer bloomin' scalp-scraper!' and he advancedthreateningly with his chin stuck forward and a most formidable scowl.

  "In the next few moments I reaped the reward of my strenuous practice atthe gymnasium of the art of Jiu-jitsu and the French style of boxing.Bamber's advance was the signal. I had seen the Jew's hand steal underhis coat skirt. He now made a quick movement--and so did I. Whiskinground, in an instant I had his wrist in that kind of grip thatdislocates the elbow-joint, and, as I turned, I planted my foot heavilyon Spotty Bamber's chest. The swift movement took them all by surprise.The Jew screamed and dropped his knife, staggering heavily against thecellar door, which swung back on its well-oiled hinges. Bamber flewbackwards like a football, and, as he cannoned against the third man,the two crashed together to the floor. I thrust the Jew through the opendoorway, released his wrist; and then followed a slithering sound fromthe cellar steps, ending in a soft thump.

  "The position was marvelously changed in those few moments. The Jew, Itook it, was eliminated, and the odds thus brought down to a reasonablefigure. As to the other two, though they scrambled to their feet quicklyenough, they kept their distance, Bamber in particular having somelittle difficulty with his breath. I picked up the concussor and facedthem. If I had been quick, I could have dispatched them both withoutdifficulty. But I did not. Once more I was aware of that singular stateof consciousness to which I have elsewhere alluded as possessing me inthe presence of violent criminals; a vivid pleasure in the mere act ofphysical contest, perfectly incomprehensible to me in my normal state ofmind. This strange joy now sent the blood surging through my brain untilmy ears hummed; and yet I kept my judgment, calmly attentive and evenwary.

  "Thus, when the third ruffian rushed at me with a large sheath-knife, Iknocked his hand aside quite neatly with the concussor and drove him outof range with a heavy blow of my left fist. But at this moment Iobserved Bamber frantically lugging something from his hip-pocket;something that was certainly not a knife. It was time for a change oftactics. Before the third rascal could close with me again, I darted atthe open doorway, grasped the rope, and in an instant had swung myselfclear of the steps down into the darkness of the cellar.

  "In swinging I had turned half round, and, as I alighted, I saw myaggressor, knife in hand, come through the doorway in pursuit. He hadmore courage than Spotty but less discretion. In the haste of hispursuit, he actually sprang over the sill on to the slippery top step,and the next moment was bumping down the stairs like an overturned sackof potatoes. As he picked himself up, half-stunned, from the prostrateJew, on whom he had fallen, I regretfully felled him with the concussor.It was a dull finish to the affair, but there was Bamber's revolver tobe reckoned with.

  "To do Mr. Bamber justice, he was not rash. In fact, he was sounobtrusive that I began to fear that he had made off, and, it beingobviously unsafe to go up and ascertain, I proceeded to make a fewencouraging demonstrations.

  "'Oh!' I shouted, 'Let me go! Let go my hands or I'll call for thepolice!'

  "This appeal had the desired effect. The dimly lighted doorway framedthe figure of Spotty Bamber, with revolver poised, peering cautiouslyinto the darkness.

  "I renewed my protests, and, retiring to the darkest corner, shufflednoisily about the brick floor.

  "''Ave yer got 'im, Alf?' inquired the discreet Bamber, leaning forwardand stepping over the sill. I continued to dance heavily in my cornerand to utter breathless snorts and exclamations such as, 'Let go, I tellyou!' 'Aha! would you?' and so forth. Bamber took another step forward,craned his neck and called out, 'Shove 'im over this way, Alf, so as Ican--'

  "He did not finish the sentence. Watching him, I saw his feet suddenlyfly from under him, the revolver clattered on the cellar floor, andSpotty, himself, having slipped half-way down the steps, fell over theedge on to the hard brick pavement.

  "As he picked himself up, breathing heavily, I dropped the concussorinto the big pocket of my apron and pounced on him. He uttered a yell ofterror and began to struggle like a maniac to free himself from my grip,while I edged him away from the dangerous vicinity of the revolver. Atfirst he was disposed to show a good deal of fight, and, as we gyratedround the cellar, tugging, thrusting, wrenching and kicking, I found thestrenuous muscular exercise strangely exhilarating. Evidently there issomething to be said for the 'simple life,' as lived in those primitivecommunities where every man is his own policeman.

  "But this physically stimulating bout came to a sudden end. Our mazyrevolutions brought us presently near the foot of the steps, and hereSpotty tripped over the prostrate form of the third man. He staggeredback a few paces and uttered a husky shriek, and then we came downtogether on top of the Jew. That finished him. The contact with thosetwo motionless shapes shattered his nerves utterly and reduced him tosheer panic. He ceased to fight and only whimpered for mercy.

  "It was very unpleasant. As long as the fight was hot and strenuous, therevived instincts of long-forgotten primitive ancestors kept my bloodracing. But, with
the first cry for mercy, all my exhilaration died outand the degenerate emotions of civilized man began to make themselvesfelt. If I hesitated I was lost. At every pitiful bleat I felt myselfweakening. There was only one thing to do, and I did it--with theconcussor.

  "Verbal description is a slow affair compared with action. The whole setof events that I have narrated occupied but a few minutes. When Iunbolted the parlor door and found a somnolent navvy waiting to beshaved, I realized with astonishment how brief the interlude had been.

  "'Hope I haven't kept you waiting,' I said, anxious to learn if he hadheard anything unusual.

  "'No,' he replied, 'I've only just come in. Didn't expect to find youopen.'

  "He seated himself in the chair and I lathered him profusely, withluxurious pleasure in handling the clean soapsuds. The folly of my latevisitors in leaving the shop door unfastened, surprised me, andillustrated afresh the poverty of the criminal intelligence. They hadassumed that it would be all over in a moment and had taken noprecautions against the improbable. And such is the 'habitual' with whomthe costly machinery of the law is unable to cope! Verily, there mustbe a good many fools besides the dishonest ones!

  "I shut up the shop when my customer departed, indulged in a good washand a substantial supper. For there was much to be done before I couldgo to bed. I had providently laid in six casks of a suitable size, ofwhich two were put together and the remainder in the form of loosestaves and hoops. One of these would have to be made up at once, sinceit was necessary that the specimens should be packed before _rigormortis_ set in and rendered them unmanageable. Accordingly, I fell towork after supper with the mallet and the broad chisel-like tool withwhich the hoops are driven on, and did not pause until the bundle ofstaves was converted into a cask, complete save for the top hoop andhead.

  "I proceeded systematically. Into one cask I poured a quart of water andwetted the interior thoroughly, to make the wood swell and secure tightjoints. Then into it I introduced the Jew, in a sitting posture, and wasgratified to find that the specimen occupied the space comfortably. Buthere a slight difficulty presented itself. The center of gravity of acask filled with homogeneous matter coincides with the geometricalcenter. But in a cask containing a deceased Jew, the center of gravitywould be markedly ex-centric. Such a cask would not roll evenly; andirregular rolling might lead to investigation. However, the remedy wasquite simple. My predecessor had been accustomed to cover the floor ofthe shop with sawdust, and the peculiar habits of my customers had ledme to continue the practice. An immense bin of the material occupied acorner of the cellar and furnished the means of imparting a factitioushomogeneity to the contents of the cask. I shoveled in a quantity aroundthe specimen, headed up the cask, and finished filling it through thebung-hole. When I had driven in the bung, I gave the cask a trial rollon the cellar floor and found that it moved without noticeableirregularity.

  "It was past midnight before I had finished my labors and had the threecasks ready for removal. After another good wash, I went to bed, and,thanks to the invigorating physical exercise, had an excellent night.

  "The following day being Sunday, there was a regrettable delay, since itwould have been unwise to challenge attention by trundling the casksthrough the streets when all the world was resting. However, I called atmy Bloomsbury house and instructed the sergeant-major that some packagesmight be delivered on the following day. 'And,' I added, 'I shallprobably be working in the laboratory tomorrow, so if you hear me movingabout you will know that it is all right.'

  "The sergeant-major touched his cap--he always wore a capindoors--without speaking. He was the most taciturn and incurious manthat I have ever met.

  "When I had taken a look round the laboratory and made a fewpreparations, I departed, going out by the museum entrance. It was aswell to get the sergeant-major used to these casual, unannouncedappearances and disappearances. I walked slowly back to Whitechapel,turning over my plans for the removal of the casks. At first I hadthought of taking them to Pickford's receiving office. But there wasdanger in this, though it was a remote danger. If one of the casksshould be accidentally dropped it would certainly burst, and then--I hadno particular objection to being killed, but I had a very greatobjection to being sent to Broadmoor. So I decided to effect the removalmyself with the aid of the builder's truck that I had allowed the ownerto keep in my yard. But this plan involved the adoption of some sort ofdisguise; a very slight one would be sufficient, as it was merely toprevent recognition by casual strangers.

  "Now, among the stock of my predecessor, Polensky, I had found acollection of powder colors, grease paints, toupee-paste, spirit-gum andother materials which threw a curious light on his activities. On myreturn to the shop I made a few experiments with these materials and wasastonished to find on what trivial peculiarities facial expressiondepends. For instance, I discovered that a strip of court-plaster,carried tightly up the middle of the forehead--where it would be hiddenby a hat--altered the angle of the eyebrows and completely changed theexpression, and that a thin scumble of purple, rubbed on the nose,totally altered the character of the face. This was deeply interesting;and, as it finally disposed of one difficulty, it left me free toconsider the rest of my plans, which I continued to do until everypossible emergency was anticipated and provided for.

  "Early on Monday morning I went out and purchased four lengths of stoutquartering--two long and two short--a coil of rope, a two-block tackleof the kind known to mariners as a 'handy Billy' and a pair ofcask-grips. With the quartering and some lengths of rope I made twocask-slides, a long one for the cellar and a short one for thehand-cart. Placing the long slide in position, I greased it withcart-grease, hooked the tackle above the upper end, attached the gripsand very soon had the three casks hoisted up into the passage thatopened into the back yard. With the aid of the short slide and thetackle, I ran them up into the cart, lashed them firmly in positionwith the stout rope, threw in the slide and tackle and was ready tostart. Running into the shop, I fixed the necessary strip ofcourt-plaster on my forehead, tinted my nose, and, having pocketed thestick of paint and a piece of plaster, put on my shabbiest overcoat anda neck-cloth, trod on my hat and jammed it on my head so that it shouldcover the strip of plaster. Then I went out and, trundling the cart intothe alley, locked the back gate and set forth on my journey.

  "Navigating the crowded streets with the heavy cart clattering behindme, I made my way westward, avoiding the main thoroughfares with theirbewildering traffic, until I found myself in Theobald's Row at the endof Red Lion Street. Here I began to look about for a likely deputy; andpresently my eye lighted on a sturdy-looking man who leaned somewhatdejectedly against a post and sucked at an empty pipe. He was evidentlynot a regular 'corner-boy.' I judged him to be a laborer out of work,and deciding that he would serve my purpose I addressed him.

  "'Want a job, mate?'

  "He roused at once. 'You've 'it it, mate. I do. What sort of job?'

  "'Pull this truck round to 6A Plimsbury Street and deliver the tubs.'

  "'Ow much 'll you give me?' was the inevitable inquiry.

  "'Old chap'll give you half-a-crown, if you ask him.'

  "'And 'ow much am I to keep?'

  "'Oh, we won't quarrel about that. I've got to see about another job orI'd take 'em myself. You deliver the tubs--and be careful of 'em.They're full of valuable chemicals--and meet me here at ten o'clock andI'll give you another job. Will that do you?'

  "My friend pocketed his pipe and spat on his hands. 'Gi' me the bloomin'truck,' said he; and when I had surrendered the pole to him, he set offat a pace that made me thankful for the stout rope lashings of thecasks.

  "I let him draw ahead and then followed at a discreet distance, keepinghim in sight until he was within a few hundred yards of my house. Then Idarted down a side turning, took a short cut across a square, and,arriving at the museum entrance, let myself in with my Yale key.

  "To remove my hat, overcoat and coat, to tear off the plaster and washmy nose, was but the work of a minut
e. I had placed in readiness mylaboratory apron, a velvet skull-cap and a pair of spectacles, andscarcely had I assumed these and settled my eyebrows into a studiousfrown, when the bell rang. A glance into a little mirror that hung onthe wall satisfied me as to the radical change in my appearance and Iwent out confidently and opened the street door. My deputy was standingon the door-step and touched his cap nervously as he met my portentousfrown.

  "'These here barrils for you, sir?' he asked.

  "'Quite right,' I replied in deep, pompous tones; 'I will help you tobring them in.'

  "We brought the cart up on the pavement with the pole across thethreshold, and I fixed the slide in position while my assistant cast offthe lashings. In a couple of minutes we had run the casks down the slideand I had the satisfaction of seeing them safely deposited in the hall.The dangers and difficulties of the passage were at an end.

  "I handed my proxy the half-crown which he sheepishly demanded, with anextra shilling 'for a glass of beer,' and saw him go on his wayrejoicing. Then I went back to the laboratory, stuck on a fresh strip ofplaster, rubbed on a tint of grease-paint and resumed my disreputablegarments. When I came forth into the street, the hand-cart had alreadydisappeared, leaving me to pursue my way unobserved to the rendezvous,where I presently met my friend, and, having rejoiced him with a furthershilling, resumed possession of the cart.

  "On my arrival at my Whitechapel premises, I affixed a notice to thewindow informing the nobility and gentry that I was 'absent onbusiness.' Then I clothed myself decently, emptied the contents of thesafe into a hand-bag, in which I also put the cooper's chisel, locked upthe premises and hurried off to Aldgate Station. My first objective wasthe establishment of Mr. Hammerstein, the dealer in osteology, from whomI purchased three articulated human skeletons, and obtained theinvaluable receipted invoices; and having thus taken every precautionthat prudence and human foresight could suggest, I repaired to myBloomsbury house, let myself in at the museum door, rolled the casksthrough into the laboratory and proceeded to unpack the specimens.

  "The initial processes occupied me far into the night, while as to thefinishing operations, they kept me busy for over a month; during whichtime I shaved and cut hair throughout the day up to nine o'clock atnight, reserving the laboratory work for a relaxation after the prosaiclabors of the day.

  "Looked at broadly, the episode was highly satisfactory andsuccessful--excepting in one vital respect. None of the three specimenshad ringed hair. The completed preparations were, after all, but theby-products of my industry. The wretch whom I sought was still at largeand unidentified. My collection still lacked its crowning ornament."