Secrets Are My Sanity

  “What are you thinking?” Julienne asked with a groan, she didn’t like where his mind was headed.

  “He needs someone else to focus on, someone who can return his feelings. Let’s set him up.” he knew it sounded crazy and pretty genius, it was the perfect plan.

  “Like his mom tried tonight?”

  “Yeah but with someone not as annoying as Brent, someone really hot.” He grew excited; he finally found a way to get Shane off his back. It would bother him to see Shane with someone else but it’d be better than having to break his heart every day by denying him.

  “You’re really hot….”

  “Julienne.” it was his turn to groan.

  “What? You are, I’ve always thought you were cute. It’s a damn shame I was crazy in love with Michael and you were in the closet, we could’ve made a good couple.” Julienne was painfully honest since receiving intensive therapy after her last suicide attempt. Her therapist advised her to talk as much as possible and keep nothing bottled up inside.

  “Ok, I’d want you too if all that other stuff wasn’t true.” He agreed awkwardly.

  “We’re so Will and Grace.”

  Nick laughed. “Can we go back to my plan, please?”

  “Ok fine, I’ll go along with it only because it’s you. Operation let’s-find-Shane-a-hot-piece-of-ass-so-he-stops-hounding-yours is a go.”

  Nick laughed again, he was really rubbing off on her because that was something he’d totally say. “Any ideas?”

  “There is this guy in my economics class who might fit the bill. He’s really cute, the type you stare at just because. We hit it off and he told me he had to shatter my dreams and revealed he played for the same team. He’s a cocky bastard too, because I do have Michael and wasn’t staring because I was interested.” Julienne explained, rambling the whole time. She went from barely talking a whole sentence in a week to this. He was happy to see it.

  “Then why were you staring?”

  “He’s pretty! Not Shane or Michael hot but hot.”

  “It’s so weird you have a thing for Shane too.”

  She groaned. “I don’t.”

  “Right, anyway here we are, tell your mom I said hi.”

  “Whatever, sometimes you annoy the hell out of me.”

  “I love you too.” They hugged goodbye and he watched her until she was safely inside before driving off. He drove slowly home knowing Shane would be there already. Hopefully this guy Julienne mentioned could be the key to get Shane to move on. Nick wanted to get back to the days he felt nothing sexual at all, where he focused on school and not much more. He preferred it that way.

  Once at the apartment he was careful to be quiet as possible. Maybe his luck would be looking up and Shane would be in bed.

  Or not.

  “Is there a reason you’re tiptoeing?” Shane asked from the kitchen opening, across the living room where Nick stood.

  “I’m trying to strength my calves.”

  “I’m sure they look good just like the rest of you.”

  Nick swallowed back hard, holy shit Shane was bluntly flirting with him. “Early day tomorrow….so goodnight.” He forced his feet to start moving only to freeze at Shane’s next question.

  “So you don’t want to finish what we started outside my parents’ house?”

  “Ah…” he told himself to breathe, he couldn’t faint and die on the floor now. “That was….a mistake.” His hands started to shake and his damn feet wouldn’t move.

  “Right, do the lies get easier to believe if you say them enough?” There was an edge to Shane’s voice, he was sick if playing this game and wasn’t holding back anymore.

  Nick frowned and hated himself for not being stronger. “When you touch me, I get weak but when I’m thinking straight I regret every moment shared between us.” The words hurt to say and he knew it hurt Shane to hear. It had to be like this and in the long run Shane would understand.

  “Thinking straight, interesting choice of words.”

  Nick didn’t want to do this; he didn’t want to hurt him more than necessary. He took a step forward and then another, soon he was in his room. He closed the door and sat back against it as assaulting tears stung his eyes.

  “I’m not going to wait forever, Nick.” Shane said before slamming the door to his own room.

  Nick didn’t want to hurt him or anyone else, it went against his gentle nature but as he kept trying to tell himself; it was better this way. Nick wouldn’t be good for Shane, he knew that. He knew that because he wasn’t ready to admit his truths and Shane could only put up with that for so long before wanting to get away.

  Nick sat there alone and indulged in the urge to cry, he let the tears fall free silently. Sometime later, he got up and climbed into bed, only using enough energy to pull off his sneakers.

  That next morning Shane was up first, he noticed Nick’s door closed and that meant he was still asleep, he left it open when he wasn’t there. Shane debated this, should he be the good guy and wake him up so he isn’t late for school, or leave him alone and let him deal with his own problems?

  Shane groaned and put his cup of coffee down on the table. It was a short walk to Nick’s door. He opened it, hey it was unlocked, and found he was indeed right; Nick was sprawled out all over his twin size mattress.

  “Nick!” he yelled not wanting to shake him awake or something like that, it was better if they didn’t touch. He couldn’t be held accountable for his actions if they did. “Nick!”

  “Hmm?”

  “You’re going to be late if you don’t get up now.” Shane grew frustrated when he realized Nick was asleep again, didn’t he go to bed early enough? He shrugged his shoulders and decided to go for a new tactic. Rationality only lasted so long.

  Shane walked over to the bed and braced one knee in the mattress as he leaned down and kissed Nick. This would wake him up. He didn’t care about morning breath; he didn’t care about anything except feeling his lips against his own. He pulled back a little and looked down into Nick’s wide green eyes. “You should’ve woken up when I called your name. Now look what you made me do.”

  “Uh…sorry?” Nick was panicking, his pretty eyes darted around the room looking for a way out of this.

  Shane wasn’t letting him out of this easily, nope. He threw his other leg around Nick and straddled him. “You’re going to have to miss your class.”

  Chapter 17

  Nick’s mind was spinning, he didn’t know what to think, how did you have coherent thoughts when someone was on top of you and kissing you like there was no tomorrow? And not just someone, this was Shane Gregory, beautiful perfect Shane.

  A small window opened and thoughts flew out, when Shane grabbed Nick’s shirt and pulled it off. Nick held his hands out, keeping Shane from kissing him again. “I have to use the bathroom.” He pushed Shane off his lap and dashed out of the bed.

  “Nope.” Shane grabbed his wrist before he could make it to the door, spun him around, and kissed him all over again.

  The window shut and Nick was at his mercy again. He was thankful when he felt the wall at his back; he needed something to help him stay upright before his knees buckled. His shirt was gone and there was nothing in the way to stop Shane from touching him. Those large hands moved along his waist and chest with a feverish touch.

  Nick knew this couldn’t be happening, they couldn’t keep doing this because soon they’d cross the line there was no turning back from, no denying. He lifted his hands but he couldn’t push Shane away, he just couldn’t. His hands gripped Shane’s shirt and started kissing him back. Nick knew without a doubt this is what heaven felt like, it was all amazing sensations and delicious desires.

  No heaven lasted forever.

  “Holy shit.” Those words acted like a cold glass of water. Shane and Nick separated to find Michael standing at the door with the definition of shock across his face. “This explains a few things.”

  Nick wanted the world to ope
n and snatch him away from this moment of reality. He felt his body start to heat from embarrassment and fear. Shane stepped back and gave him a silent look that said something like ‘don’t worry’ but it didn’t register, nothing was going to stop Nick from freaking out. He stood there numb as Shane let the room and took Michael with him.

  A minute later he snapped out of his daze and started getting dressed and gathering his school supplies. In record time he was ready and left his room, he pretended not to see Shane and Michael as he ran out the door.

  Shane wanted to run and follow him but he knew Nick needed to be alone; he had pushed too much today anyway. He turned back to his brother. “Don’t mention what you saw to him. He doesn’t need your stupid jokes.”

  “I’m not that much of a prick. I’ve never made fun of you or anyone for being gay.” Michael said defensively. He had made fun of a lot of people and had been a bully in high school but even with all that he had limits. Shockingly.

  “Just don’t mention it at all.”

  “Is he the guy you were telling me about? The one in denial? The one you might be in love with?” Michael was in a rare mode, there wasn’t a sign of his signature humor or blunt attitude. He was being a brother.

  “That’s a lot of questions.” Shane chuckled weakly, he walked over to the couch and sat. He felt hopeless. No matter what he tried, how he got Nick to respond, he always ran away and regretted their time together. There was but so much rejection he could handle before his heart shattered.

  “It’s a lot to wrap my head around. I never in a million years would’ve paired you two up or thought Nick wasn’t as straight as I am. It makes sense though, he never liked Julienne that way and all these years he’s never dated anyone.” Michael voiced his thoughts out loud.

  The secret was out and Shane could use someone to talk to who was on his side. As wonderful as Julienne was, she’d always look out for Nick first and keep his feelings hidden. “He won’t admit it and I don’t know what to do anymore. He keeps telling me the kiss was a mistake and what you walked in on was me trying to prove him wrong.”

  “Maybe it worked, that was pretty heated.” He said with a cringe, no one wanted to walk in on their sibling making out with someone. Boy or girl.

  “No, he’ll try and tell me again it was a mistake. I’m really getting sick of hearing that word.”

  “You know what you have to do; use the same advice you gave me with Julienne. Show Nick it’s serious and you aren’t backing down, do something to show him how you feel but don’t keep jumping him. Things aren’t clear when hormones are in the air.”

  Shane stared at his brother and couldn’t believe he was actually helping him with this. Somewhere along the lines, Michael had matured and actually had good advice to share.

  Nick couldn’t tolerate going to school; he couldn’t put on a mask and pretend today was just like any other when it wasn’t. Today would forever be inside his head, the today his life changed. The day he realized he was falling in love, a love he could never have.

  He drove with nowhere in mind, he drove to clear his thoughts and hopefully if he drove far enough he’d find the answers out of his grasp.

  Chapter 18

  Nick wanted to run away and he would’ve if he had somewhere to go, if he wasn’t already busting his ass in school. He needed to graduate and find a stable income before he could run away. That was the part with being a responsible adult; he had never done anything on impulse…until he kissed Shane. Everything changed then.

  His cell phone rang again from its spot on the passenger seat. It was probably Julienne again. She’s being trying to talk to him for the last half hour. Shane and Michael probably involved her when he didn’t show up for school.

  Oh well, he thought bitterly, this was one time he couldn’t involve his best friend. It wasn’t her fault but she was close to everyone he needed to stay away from right now. He couldn’t bare the thought of facing Michael after what he walked in on. He certainly couldn’t see Shane either, it’d be best if they never saw each other again.

  It sounded like a good idea; to stay away from Shane and the desires he made him feel. But when he thought about never seeing him again his heart ached in a pain he never knew before.

  This was love and with love always came loss. He thought about that old saying ‘Is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all?’ right now Nick wished it could’ve never been at all. He was content not knowing what he missed by being alone, by hiding his secret. With Shane, he knew how good it could be and he had to run from it. It was cruel unimaginable torture.

  He wished he wasn’t such a coward. He was already out of his aunt’s house, how bad could they really hurt him now? Why did it matter if they knew if he was gay or not? They already thought he was a useless disappointment.

  Nick let out a long groan and rubbed his hands over his face. He needed a solution; going over all his crappy thoughts wasn’t helpful now or later.

  There was only really two options; go back to his aunt’s house and suffer their abuse for a few more years until he graduated? Or go back to his apartment with Shane and fight like hell the attraction between them?

  None of those worked at all because they weren’t realistic. He couldn’t go back to the abuse and he certainly couldn’t fight the attraction.

  Nick refused to move from this spot in his car until he found a third option.

  Shane didn’t like hounding people or making them uncomfortable but desperate times called for such measures. The person he was hounding was Julienne. She didn’t know where Nick was and he wasn’t answering his cell either. Shane believed she knew where he’d run to hide out.

  “I don’t.” Julienne insisted again. “He likes to visit the park bench but only when it’s not crowded with people.”

  It was just past two that afternoon and the park would be full of kids. “There has to be somewhere else.” Shane couldn’t give up, he had to find Nick. He wanted to tell him everything inside his heart and then if he still wasn’t ready to give them a chance, Shane vowed to walk away and never bother him again.

  “I can’t think of anything. I’m sorry.” Julienne was worried too; if there was something she could be doing to make sure Nick was ok she’d be doing it.

  Michael grabbed his brother’s arm. “Let’s talk for a minute.” He pulled him outside their parents’ house where they could talk alone. “It’s tacky and all, but send him a text. Tell him to give you a chance to say your piece and let him know you’re willing to walk away. He doesn’t have anywhere to go, I’m sure he’ll be willing to work this out so you can stay roommates.”

  “I don’t want to be roommates.” Shane hated how out of control he felt. He couldn’t fix this with Nick, he couldn’t control his own emotions. Everything was lost.

  Michael shrugged. “Maybe that’s what you’ll have to settle for. I know you want to be a friend first.”

  Shane didn’t like to admit it but his brother was right. He was a friend to Nick first and foremost and because of that he didn’t want him to suffer. He didn’t want him to go back home with those hateful people or do something equally as stupid. “Ok.”

  Michael wished him luck before going back inside.

  Shane sat on the porch step and pulled out his phone. He’d much rather put his heart on the line face to face except that didn’t look like it’d be happening any time soon. He sucked it up and began typing out the words he hoped was enough to get Nick to listen. In the end he asked for the chance to be heard. At the end of the message he promised all he needed was a few minutes and after that he’d leave Nick alone.

  As Shane waited for a reply he thought about what he was proposing. Could he really share a home with Nick and only be friends? He’d do it if he absolutely had to, because it meant Nick was safe and for that he was willing to sell his own soul.

  Shane had never been an impulsive person, especially with his heart. He knew being different he
had to be guarded against those wanting to do him damage. He thought Scott had been a safe choice to open his heart to and that had blown up in his face.

  It took years for him to get out there again and date. None of those guys held his attention. There hadn’t been a flicker of life inside his heart until Nick came alone with his easy charm and addicting lips. Nick, who was ripping him to pieces and didn’t even know it, Nick, who he was steadily falling in love with even though everything humanly possible was stacked against them.

  Shane took a deep breath and wiped his tears. He had to be strong.

  His cell phone made the chirpy sound that let him know he had a new message. With his heart tight and stomach spinning Shane pressed the screen to read it. The message was short. Nick was willing to talk and gave the address of where he was at.

  Shane wasn’t happy because he knew deep down Nick was going to deny their relationship and want them to be strictly roommates with nothing more.

  Shane wanted to be logical and prepare his heart for a letdown but as he hoped inside his car and drove, he couldn’t shake the hope he had that Nick would surprise him and give them a chance at something real.

  Chapter 19

  Nick was parked at a bluff near the docks. He sat watching the waves crash into the sand in hopes the movement would prevent him from thinking about everything he was trying to forget.

  It was chilly out and because of that no one got on their boats or visited the beachy land to have fun. It was empty now and perfect for the mood Nick was in. He wanted to be alone and out here he was. For now. Shane was on his way so they could talk. The thought of seeing him after what happened this morning had Nick’s stomach in a knot.

  It was like physical torture to have that person you wanted so close only to have to deny them and your own feelings. He kept trying to convince himself it was better this way but there was a huge lump of doubt, his own heart, telling him he was wrong.

  His heart raced as he heard the sound of a car coming closer; out the rearview mirror he saw it was indeed Shane. “Be strong.” Nick murmured to himself over and over before Shane got into the passenger seat.