The Other Side of Envy

  “Have you taken this class before?” I asked, lowering my voice as the question could be misconstrued. “Like an Academy class?”

  “I took one, yes. At a college,” he said. He finished up his answer, and looked up, waiting for the next question.

  I read it off, so he could continue. “How did you take a biology class at a college without being out of high school yet?”

  “You don’t have to graduate from high school, or even be a student at the university, to take the lectures,” he said. “You just ask the professor if it’ll be okay if you sit in his class. They’re usually pretty cool about it.”

  “So you like going to school?” I asked.

  He smiled, his olive complexion contrasting with his white teeth. “I like marine biology,” he said. “But they insisted I take a regular biology course like everyone else before I moved on.”

  This was an interesting turn. “Sea animals?” I asked.

  “I like anything to do with the ocean,” he said. “It might not be practical for Academy purposes, but...” He trailed off as he finished his sentence on the paper. When it was done, he looked up. “One day, I’d like to get a boat. Maybe a schooner.”

  “North mentioned you wanted one,” I said. “What’s a schooner?”

  “Think of a sailboat, but bigger. Many sails.” He pointed to the book. “Last question.”

  I read it to him and he finished it up quickly. Others were still digging through the books for answers. For the sake of blending in, I flipped through my textbook. I didn’t want it to appear we cheated somehow.

  So he liked sailboats and wanted one. “Where do you find one of those?” I asked. I’d have to turn to North again for this one. And a boat might cost a lot of money. Where do you start?

  He wrote our names on the page and placed it aside. “Probably on the internet,” he said. His eyebrows lifted. “Why? Are you interested in sailing?”

  “I was just curious...I mean you’re interested. I just...want to know the things you’re interested in.” It was hard to explain my real intentions and his questioning made me realize this might not be as easy as I thought. I could tell North about a boat but would North know where to start? Where would we put it?

  It wasn’t like I could simply give Silas a boat out of the blue.

  Deflated, I flipped pages in the textbook absently. “Silas? What...what do you do for...the group?” I asked. I wanted a second opinion about my idea.

  “What do you mean?” He sounded off. His deep brown eyes were bright with curiosity, but he frowned. Had I offended him?

  I shook my head. “No, no. I mean...I was trying to understand everyone’s roles in the group. Like Kota’s sort of the leader, but not for the...” I glanced around. The noise level was pretty high since we’d been given permission to talk, but I still didn’t want anyone overhearing.

  “Oh,” he said, smiling again. “Every group is different. You just do whatever you can to contribute. I know plumbing, for one. I help North with his construction and sometimes his cars, although I don’t have much interest in spark plugs and gas tank sizes.”

  I understood what he was saying, but was trying to define it into a role. “So you and North are the...handy guys.” I couldn’t think of another term.

  “Hardy Boys?” he asked. “You mean like the books?”

  “No?” I wasn’t sure where he pulled that from. “Like a handyman. Someone who does the work around the house, a bit of everything. Plumbing, fixing...you fix things.”

  He nodded slowly. “Handyman,” he said. “Oh. Maybe.”

  Silas was Greek, but he spoke English so well, it was hard to remember he wasn’t born here. “I don’t think the word is used much these days,” I said.

  “Why not?” he asked. “You used it.”

  I was getting off topic. “I just meant, your role in the group is a handyman. Like North.”

  He grinned. “Sort of like the Hardy Boys. Yes. North and I are handy...guys. Men.”

  “And Victor has computers.”

  “Right.”

  “And Gabriel has clothes?”

  “And the art,” he said. “And sometimes the perfume. The cologne. He makes it.”

  “You mean like mine?”

  “Mine, too.” He reached out, holding his wrist to me.

  I picked up his scent. “The ocean?”

  He nodded. “I think he makes stuff for everyone. He usually gives them as gifts. He gave you that nice one, didn’t he?”

  I nodded, although I didn’t have it on at the moment. “I didn’t realize he did that for everyone.”

  “He does a lot of things,” Silas said. “We all do.”

  “I was trying to figure out what I could do for the group. If I’m going to be part of it...”

  “So you decided you wanted to be?” he asked.

  I smiled, nodding, and waited for his response.

  He beamed. “I was thinking about that,” he said. “I know I talked to you about it before. Maybe I was wrong to stand aside. I mean, I can’t make the decision for you. I am thinking if you join the team it’ll be...better.”

  I let out a little sigh, glad he was happy about it. “I just need to make sure everyone else will be okay with it. Kota’s the one that doesn’t want me in, but Mr. Blackbourne said if I convince the others, he’d probably reconsider. I was thinking of where I’d fit in.”

  “Don’t blame Kota,” Silas said. “He’s just worried it’ll be more dangerous for you. He feels that way about all of us. That’s his job. And the point isn’t where you fit in. The point is doing what you love and contributing that to the group.”

  “You love sailboats,” I said. “And marine biology.”

  “I’ve an interest in those. They also make me unique and able to do jobs outside of our own group. I don’t get many requests for marine biology, but I get plenty for boats. I get a lot of requests for construction and plumbing. It’s not just what you can contribute to your own family, or it doesn’t have to be.” He smiled at me. “Remember when you did that thing with Luke? The thing you weren’t supposed to?”

  Breaking into a house to steal a camera? “Yeah?”

  “I think that’s your job.”

  “...Stealing?” I whispered.

  He laughed. “I mean you’re supportive. I think you do all the jobs well. You’re like Nathan.”

  “Huh?”

  “Watch Nathan,” he said. “He can sit with Kota and talk science almost on his level. Then he can work out with North and I, and work on construction. He can handle Luke and Gabriel, and run around with them. He floats between our little subgroups and can join in on them. You’re like that. Just in a different way. Blending in.”

  I wasn’t sure I could work out with North and Silas, but I did once help them clear out the church to turn it into the diner. It didn’t really give me a definitive role. “But if Nathan can do it, why have me do it?”

  “Because you’re a girl,” he said. “That’s the one element we didn’t have before. There’s lots of jobs we can do, and in certain situations, there’s a role only a girl can fill. Without one in the group, we have to ask a girl group to loan us one on occasion. It’s better if we have one in the group already.”

  “But the Academy doesn’t like it,” I said quietly.

  He pursed his lips. His eyes agreed with me, but he didn’t want to say it.

  Suddenly Gabriel’s cell phone buzzed in my chest. I checked behind me to make sure I wasn’t going to be spotted. The teacher was on the other side of the classroom, looking over a question for students.

  I pulled the cell phone out. Silas put his arm in the way to give me cover.

  Mr. Blackbourne: Mr. Morris wishes to speak with you in person after school. I’ll make arrangements for North and Kota to go with you.

  I gritted my teeth. That would eat into plans to find Gabriel’s car and to talk to North.

  “I don’t like him,” Silas said, pointing to Mr. Morris’s name in
the message.

  “Everyone says that,” I said quietly. I typed in a quick message to Mr. Blackbourne, agreeing to go. I was starting to understand why the boys would groan when their leisure time got cut short due to a spontaneous Academy issue.

  “Probably because it’s the right feeling,” he said. “You should trust your gut instincts.”

  “My gut says he’s just misunderstood,” I said. I looked up at him. “He’s mixed in with Mr. Hendricks.”

  “It could make him dangerous,” he said. “He’s desperate enough to need to work with him. How far is he willing to go for him? That’s what you need to consider. Maybe he is misunderstood, but misunderstood can mean making choices you didn’t want to make. Intention is nice, but actions speak louder.”

  I hadn’t thought of it that way. Mr. Morris might have a skewed vision of what was going on, too. He had Mr. Hendricks, and possibly Mr. McCoy, telling him things, lies. He might be a nice person, but if he’s on the wrong side, it’d make his actions reflect that.

  I drifted back until I was sitting sideways in the chair. I massaged a knee, having sat on it for so long.

  Silas squinted as he gazed at me. “You look tired,” he said.

  “I’ve got a lot going on.”

  He reached out, placing a palm on my shoulder. It was a warm touch, soothing.

  His gaze, the depths of his big brown eyes, held firm with mine. “We all do,” he said quietly. “If it’s ever too much, talk to Kota. Or me.”

  I never wanted to admit to Kota if it was ever too much. It would be like telling him I wasn’t cut out to be in the Academy if I couldn’t keep up. That thought spurred more energy through me. I sat up. “I’ll be okay,” I said, offering a smile.

  He didn’t seem totally convinced, but he accepted my answer.

  We talked briefly, but then the bell rang and I needed to go find North.

  THE HUNT FOR A CAR

  North was already in the hallway when Silas and I left biology. He shared a look with Silas; a silent conversation between them. Silas walked away quietly, leaving me with North.

  “Ready?” North asked. He took my book bag from me, carrying it with his own.

  I stuffed my hands into my pockets. “We have to meet with Mr. Morris.”

  “Not until after school,” he said. “We’ve a couple hours.”

  Relieved, I moved until I was walking beside him. “Good.”

  “Don’t talk until we’re out of school,” he said. “Stay close.”

  I followed him through the hallway. There were streams of students going in different directions. Some even went outside to the parking lot.

  North moved with them. I glanced around, wondering if teachers would notice. I looked for Mr. McCoy’s car, but the JROTC building was on the other side of the school, so he wouldn’t be able to see if we left that way.

  North headed toward his black Jeep parked in the lot. He opened the passenger door for me first, and waited until I climbed in before closing the door. I still wasn’t used to them opening doors for me, but they all did it.

  Once North was in and started up the car, I asked, “Won’t teachers know someone’s skipping school if we’re leaving?”

  “Teachers and parents come and go all the time and some students have special permission to leave. It’s not like there’s security in the parking lot to stop us.” He clamped his hand on the headrest behind my head and looked out the back window as he backed up the Jeep. “And you’re where you are supposed to be, according to Dr. Green.”

  I trusted him, I trusted Dr. Green. Still, it was like sneaking around with them in my old house, even knowing my stepmother wasn’t around. The creepy feeling of someone waiting to pounce on us and get us into trouble was there.

  Once we were out of sight of the school, I settled into my seat more. My arms drifted over my stomach, folding the too big hoodie over myself for warmth. “Do you know where we’re going?”

  “Hannahan,” he said. He pulled his phone from his pocket, and passed it to me. “I guess you’re the navigator. Start up the GPS. I already added the street name.”

  There wasn’t much for me to do other than push a couple of buttons. GPS did the guiding. “How does this still work if Victor is bouncing the signal?”

  “Something he rigged up,” he said. “Not sure. You’d have to ask him.”

  At least Victor thought ahead just in case we did need the GPS.

  Still, a few minutes passed, and I was stuck as to what to tell North. Now that we were alone, I was nervous.

  “So?” he said. His dark, intense eyes focused on the road, making it easier to look at him. He’d stripped the faux jacket, leaving on the black T-shirt. It was tucked into the gray pants, the material strained tight against his midsection, giving a nice view of his torso. “What was so important you wanted to skip school to tell me?”

  I drifted my gaze out the window, finding it easier to address the passing scenery. I wasn’t sure how much to tell him. “Gabriel isn’t talking to me at the moment. Or... at least he’s avoiding me. I think.”

  “He’s supposed to avoid you,” he said.

  “I mean, he was mad at Victor, and now when I text him, he’s very short.”

  “He’s in the middle of shit,” he said. He looked over at me, his eyes a storm of questions. “What are you worried about? And how was he mad at Victor?”

  There wasn’t much of a chance to talk around a subject when it came to North. My tongue wanted to freeze, because it felt wrong to say it out loud. I took in a deep breath, drawing in some courage. I needed to be honest. I needed an ally to help me with Gabriel. “I know about Lily,” I said. “I went to see her yesterday.”

  The car was quiet for the longest time. He returned to watching the road. His arms were straight, hands clenching the steering wheel. The muscles in his arms bulked. “What...what did she say?” he finally said, his voice low.

  I repeated the events, on up to leaving Lily’s house.

  “Hm,” he said, and then grunted. He sat back in his seat a little. “I didn’t think you’d find out so soon.”

  “You didn’t want to tell me,” I said. It wasn’t a question, since it was obvious.

  “It’s not easy to explain,” he said. “You’re not exactly telling everyone openly, either. You wanted to wait to be alone to talk about it.”

  Touché. “But you’ve continued to talk with them? So you’ve had time to consider.”

  “I’m not sure it’ll work,” he said. “It’s like Mr. Blackbourne says. We can’t control how people feel. And we’re sixteen.” He rolled his head back, his eyes squinting as he gazed out the front window. “But no matter how many ways I look at this, I can’t think of another way. I call to ask them things, sure I’ll find a reason why it won’t work. And there’s a million reasons why it won’t. But I don’t want it that way. Every other way just means we split up. It’s already too late for some of us.”

  “I don’t really know what I’m doing,” I said quietly. “It wasn’t what I was expecting. I only meant to ask how to join the group without the Academy asking me to join with another team.”

  “That’s what we were looking for,” he said. “What we found was Lily and her team.”

  “That can’t be the only way,” I said. I liked what I saw with Lily, but the longer this went on, the more impossible it seemed. Maybe I hadn’t been in relationships, but I read books, and watched movies. What they had wasn’t normal. I remembered how vehemently some girls used to talk when they discovered a boy they liked was kissing someone else. Sometimes they hadn’t started going out with the boy yet, and still they became so jealous. I imagined boys had similar feelings. I was already jealous, thinking back to Dr. Green mentioning taking girls to see the babies, when he’d really meant the nurses and old women. It’s not like I could stop them if they wanted to date someone. I had no right to ask. “Mr. Blackbourne said it might not end up exactly like that.”

  “Nothing is ever exactly h
ow we think it’ll end up,” he said. His big hands twisted around the wheel, his knuckles near white with how tightly he was holding it. “You don’t seem too messed up about the idea. You’re just not sure how it’ll work.”

  I bit my lower lip and pressed myself against the back of the seat. “It feels selfish. I can’t imagine how you feel.”

  “Don’t get me wrong,” he said. He sliced his intense eyes my way for a full couple of seconds. “If I got a hint of any of them trying to take you for themselves, I’d be the first one pulling you back to me.” He grunted, shook his head, and then refocused on the road. “Sorry,” he said. “That’s wrong. I wouldn’t drag you around like a caveman.” He made a face and then smacked the steering wheel. “This shit makes me feel like one sometimes, though. Like I can just drag you off and expect you to be happy with just you and me.”

  I was flattered and warmed at the thought that he wanted me to where he was willing to fight off the others to keep me for himself. Suddenly, I smiled. “Funny how we’re trying very hard to make everyone else happy.”

  He sighed. “Part of what makes us Academy. We’re not in it for ourselves. Look, what do you want? That’s what I want to know.”

  I was going to start with explanations and excuses. I wanted to say things Mr. Blackbourne said, that Lily said. I swallowed them back. This was North; I could be blunt. “At first, I wanted just to feel like I belonged in the group. I was told to stick close to everyone. So I did.” I sat back, gazing out the side window. “I feel guilty about it, but I do like what Lily has. A cozy home with everyone she cares about around her. But I couldn’t ask anyone to do that. It feels horrible bringing it up.”

  “Lily didn’t ask. The guys did, once they realized she cared a lot about them, and they cared about her. Mr. Blackbourne and I were actually hoping to figure out how the others felt about it and get them either on our side or not, before you found out.”

  I was quiet for a long moment, watching the scenery. I was trying to envision Lily being approached by four guys she probably really cared about and discovering they preferred to stay together with her. I really was envious then. Maybe it would have been easier to handle if everyone agreed and had done the same. Lily said she’d made a lot of mistakes, too, though. Life never turns out how you pictured.