The Other Side of Envy

  I hopped up, checking out what he had. What would Kota be more comfortable wearing? Would he leave his jeans on or sleep in boxers? He seemed to prefer pajama pants. “I can use the boxers,” I said.

  He nodded, and passed over a thin pair of green boxers with white stripes.

  I took them, and went to the bathroom to use it and to replace the jeans with the boxer shorts. I left the hoodie on, though. It was Gabriel’s, so for some reason, it was comfortable right now. I wanted to keep it on.

  Kota was sitting at the table when I came back out. He bent over his phone, texting and waiting for responses. I folded the jeans and put them on the dresser. I crawled into bed, situating myself between the sheets, resting my head on my arm over the pillow, smelling Gabriel on his hoodie.

  One minute, my eyes were open…

  RESTLESS PANIC

  What felt like a minute later, I woke and quickly realized time had passed. My joints were stiff from sleeping in a weird position. My throat was scratchy as I breathed in the bleach scent.

  I stretched a bit, flopping over. I hit Kota with my arm, not realizing he’d crawled into bed next to me.

  He remained still, stretched out and peaceful on his side, his back to me. He was either in a very deep sleep, or he ignored my bashing into him.

  I was cold. The blanket was thin. I eased over until I could steal his body heat. When he didn’t move, I pressed into his back more until I was comfortable, filling my nose with his scent which was so much better than bleach. Had I done this before with Kota? It was getting confusing now, how far had I gone with each one.

  Why did it feel so natural to curl into him? Kota made it easy to simply get close. They all did.

  It was embarrassing to think about it. Girls would talk if they knew. Rumors and assumptions would fly from their lips along with labels like easy or slut.

  Was this what Lily had gone through? She hid her team from the world to be happy.

  For a while, Kota did nothing. I warmed myself against him, my arms crossed in front of my body. Maybe he really was asleep.

  I drifted in and out of sleep. One minute, I was aware he had his back still to me. The next, I was confused, because I was in a different position and his arm was around me.

  I was comforted by his sweet spice scent, and inclined my head toward him. The more I drifted, the more my head lowered against his chest.

  Kota adjusted, opening himself up more until I pressed up against his body. He moved an arm around my head, propping it up. He held onto me like this, our legs wrapped up around each other.

  At one point, he kissed my forehead. It warmed me and I continued to drift. I didn’t sleep much after that, but relaxing felt just as good. It was a quiet moment where Kota and I weren’t checking in with the team, weren’t running or chasing, being chased. We relaxed together, enjoying.

  I missed these moments when we were too busy running around. I swallowed back some emotion creeping into my throat. Life wouldn’t always stand still like this. It was difficult to imagine a life outside of high school, though. When McCoy chased us, when Hendricks threatened us, we jumped.

  I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to think. I luxuriated in numbing out everything and simply enjoying Kota’s warmth.

  I peeked up at Kota. He had his glasses off. His eyes were closed. The trace of a smile remained on his lips. I worked beside him often, but sometimes I forgot to actually look at him. I’d always thought he was handsome. There were spots on his nose where his glasses normally rested against his skin. Straight nose, high cheekbones. He breathed evenly, his chest expanding, broadening the muscles at every inhale.

  I gently buried my face into his chest again, not wanting to wake him. I didn’t want anything but to stay like this.

  For a while, it worked. I was aware of time passing, as much as I was aware of his breathing. But thoughts worked their way in slowly, waking me to reality and leaving the forgetfulness of sleep behind.

  Mostly I worried about Gabriel. He should be here resting. I should be the one running around. He needed to sleep and talk to me or Luke, or someone about how he felt.

  I reached into the pocket of the hoodie, but Gabriel’s phone must have fallen out. Somewhere within the mess of arms and covers between Kota and I, was Gabriel’s cell phone. I wondered if Gabriel ever got back to me about anything.

  I wanted to check, but worried if I moved to get the phone, I would wake up Kota. I waited as long as I could, because more than anything, I wanted to enjoy the warm, sleepy moments with Kota longer.

  But then I realized if other people arrived, I’d miss my chance. It wouldn’t take much for Kota or the others to look over my shoulder and read or ask what I was doing.

  I scooped up the phone and I started to pull away. I was going to use the excuse of going to the bathroom to cover my phone use.

  Kota tightened his arms around me, pulling me in close to his warm body.

  “Omf,” I mumbled, grinning.

  Kota locked his arms tight around me and stuffed his face into my shoulder. It was sweet. He didn’t want me to get up.

  I patted at his arm. “I’m just going to the bathroom,” I said.

  He mumbled something. Slowly, his arms relaxed. I slipped away from him and he turned over on the bed, curling up more on one side.

  I didn’t want to go, but I had to. My heart stayed with Kota in the bed, though. I wanted to go back and spend more time there. I’d come back if Gabriel was okay. It was hard to relax when one of them was upset. Especially when it was my fault.

  I walked over to the bathroom, turning on the light and closing the door.

  I turned on the phone, finding several messages from the unknown number. My heart leapt. I’d forgotten since I’d been asleep.

  Unknown: Listen, Sang, it sounds like Gabriel isn’t taking this well.

  Unknown: Don’t worry too much about it. I went through a lot of the same struggles when I first found out the others had similar feelings toward her.

  Unknown: I thought I was the only one, but there were the others. Wasn’t her fault. She was caught in the middle and we weren’t communicating.

  Unknown: We all struggled in different ways. We went about it backwards. Lily talked about her ordeal but you might gain perspective from us guys.

  That did make sense. I understood Lily’s desire to want to help. Part of it was that she’d been through it before. Gabriel, like the others, might respond better if I took an approach the guys would have appreciated.

  He said Gabriel wasn’t taking this well, confirming what I’d feared. It was a relief that this guy had felt the same but I was still worried Gabriel wasn’t going to recover as easily as this guy was saying.

  I checked the time. The messages had been sent almost an hour ago. I sent a text back.

  Sang: If you’re okay with it, I’d be happy to talk to another guy about it who has been through it. What’s your name?

  Unknown: Liam. I’m the one that came in and interrupted near the end while you were here.

  The strawberry-blond haired guy. The one that was shorter than Lily. He’d seemed grumpy and abrupt before, like he didn’t like us being there. Would he really help?

  I considered my options. If Liam had been through this before, maybe he knew what needed to be said to encourage Gabriel.

  Sang: I remember. Thank you for helping. Is there anything I can do for Gabriel, you think?

  Sang: I’m not sure if being quiet makes things better, or if I need to do something. The others think he’s just grumpy and needs sleep.

  Liam: He might be grumpy and tired, but he doesn’t think you’d go for this, and that you’d pick the others over him.

  Liam: He’s talking to Lily now.

  I pressed my teeth together, unsure if that was better. Lily talking with Gabriel? I respected it, but felt since it was my responsibility.

  What else could I do if he wasn’t talking to me?

  Sang: Is it working?

 
Liam: I don’t know. You should talk to him.

  Sang: I’ve been trying. I can’t get to him to respond. And I don’t think I can call. When I text, he’s abrupt.

  Liam: Talk to him about something he can’t refuse to talk to you about. Not about this.

  Liam: Lily gets me to talk to her by talking about something else. Some other problem. Personal. A guy’s natural tendency is to fix what’s broken.

  Liam: Break something, even something small, and he’ll want to talk to you about it.

  Break something. It was a crazy idea. Just to be sure I wasn’t pushing Gabriel, I asked one more thing.

  Sang: Is now the right time? I don’t want to be in the way if he’s actually busy and can’t really do this.

  Liam: He’s got no problem talking to Lily right now.

  I supposed that was a good sign. It still bugged me a bit that Lily was talking to him, but he wouldn’t talk to me.

  I thanked Liam. He told me to keep in touch. It was sweet of him to try to help. No wonder Lily liked him.

  Worried about how much time I had, I tried once more to reach Gabriel. It was hard to come up with something. What about the issue with Mr. Blackbourne wanting background information on my real mother? He seemed supportive of my decision. He already knew about it.

  Was I lying to him if I brought it up as a current concern? I hadn’t forgotten and it was in the back of my mind to deal with. Still, maybe he would see it as something I needed help with.

  Sang: Remember yesterday when I told you about Mr. Blackbourne asking me to talk to my stepmother and find out about my real mother?

  I sent this along, and then sucked in a breath. I held it. I needed to write the next line. Liam said I needed to break. I was urging myself to do it. I forced my fingers to move, even as the rest of my body stiffened, unwilling.

  Sang: I’m scared to look for her. What if we find out I’ve got grandparents? What if they want me to live with them? How could I say no?

  Tears welled up in my eyes. My fingers hovered over the phone. I really was breaking. I was showing him all my fears. It felt wrong to dump it on him, especially when he was struggling with his own thoughts.

  It was honest, though. I needed to talk to someone. If I trusted him with my own deep concerns, perhaps he’d talk to me.

  Sang: What if my father really did rape her? Do I really want to know?

  Sang: If she killed herself, she didn’t love me enough to live for me. Left me with a man who might have raped her, a stepmom who didn’t want me.

  I couldn’t type any more. I was breaking down in the bathroom. I shoved a palm to my mouth, horrified at the way my thoughts spilled from me. It was all the thoughts I had buried, shelving them until I had time to examine things logically, not all in a heap and dramatic mess.

  Maybe he really was grumpy and just tired. Now I was dumping all this on him. He’d wonder why I was doing this right now. He might see right through it. Liam had encouraged me to do it. I couldn’t tell him about that, though. He might not understand. I’d have to delete these messages, too.

  That hurt, too. Keeping secrets from Gabriel. Maybe I could tell him one day that Liam helped us. I didn’t like feeling like I was trying to manipulate Gabriel’s feelings.

  We can’t control other people’s feelings. Mr. Blackbourne had said that. Maybe that wasn’t true. Here I was, trying to do anything to pull Gabriel out of his thoughts and think of something else.

  Break. Guys want to fix things.

  The phone buzzed in my hands, and the vibration scared me out of my deep, distracted thoughts. I dropped the phone and it clattered to the floor.

  I clapped my palm against my heart, trying to still it. I cringed at the sight of his phone on the floor. I eased over, picking it up delicately.

  Being delicate now wasn’t going to help. I had cracked the screen, just like I’d done to mine the day before.

  Angry with myself, I put the phone down. Tears trailed along my cheeks. Crying out wasn’t an option, no matter how much I felt like it. How could I break his phone after already doing so much to him? I tore off some tissue paper, and while I meant to wipe at my face, instead I tore the paper tearing it into a thousand tiny pieces and dropped them to the floor. It was dispelling the angry energy inside of me before I destroyed anything else or screamed to vent my frustrations.

  I shoved my palms into my eyes, trying to calm myself. I couldn’t do this. Breaking was too difficult and made me a mess. I sniffed hard, trying to control myself. I shoved the thoughts back. Liam meant well, or maybe I’d tried doing the wrong thing. Maybe he didn’t realize I was this breakable.

  I picked up the phone again, gritting my teeth at the sight of the cracked screen. Maybe I could get someone to fix it before Gabriel found out. It wasn’t as bad as mine. Maybe I shouldn’t be holding on to cell phones. I broke a lot of them.

  I delicately turned the screen on. It still worked.

  Gabriel had sent a message. I hesitated to read it. Would he see through what I’d done? Would he be annoyed that I was trying to get his attention by being upset by something else?

  Gabriel: Where are you?

  That was it. I was confused by what he was asking. Had they not told him the plan?

  Sang: Kota has me at a hotel. The others are showing up soon.

  Gabriel: Is Kota nearby?

  Again, I was confused. At least he was talking to me. Liam put me on a path. I had to follow through. I kept going.

  Sang: He’s taking a nap. I’m in the bathroom. I couldn’t stop worrying about things. I know you’re busy.

  Sang: I’m sorry. I didn’t know who else to talk to.

  It wasn’t like I had told Kota about my real mother and the issues I was having. No one but Gabriel knew how I really felt about it.

  Time passed. I’d been in the bathroom for a while. I listened out for Kota, wondering if he was still asleep. I hoped he was, but I’d have to leave the bathroom soon.

  Gabriel: Sometimes I think if my mom had just divorced my dad, my mom and my little brother would still be alive.

  Gabriel: Or maybe if I’d been like Dr. Green and never knew my real mother it’s be better. I’d probably be like you.

  Gabriel: I sometimes wish I hadn’t known her so I wouldn’t be angry about it.

  Tears flowed freely now. My nose dripped. My hands shook as I held onto the phone. I read his messages over and over. Poor Gabriel. He’d lost so many people. His mother, someone he actually cared about and remembered. He lost his brother, too.

  This was bad and wasn’t fair to do to him. I was dragging Gabriel down into dire thoughts when he was already tired and cranky. I appreciated knowing his feelings, and I wanted to hug him and talk to him about this, but this wasn’t the right time, was it?

  He was talking to me though. Connecting. Mr. Blackbourne said get him on my team, and he’d be a strong advocate. I wanted to be on Gabriel’s team. That felt important. I couldn’t just back down now.

  Sang: I’m so sorry about your mom and your brother. About your dad, too.

  Sang: I can’t imagine having known my real mother and lost her.

  Sang: I still feel a little sad that my stepmother and I couldn’t find a way to get along, even if I felt the circumstances weren’t her fault.

  Sang: I feel guilty about Marie, like I’m leaving her behind.

  Sang: I’m afraid Mr. Blackbourne or the Academy will make me learn about my real mother and those secrets before they’ll let me join.

  Sang: And I feel like if I don’t join, somehow I might lose you.

  I was going to say you all, but it felt important to make sure he knew it was him I was thinking about. I did think of the others, of course. But Gabriel was who I needed to convince right now.

  The phone vibrated in my hands again. Each time it did, my heart was in my throat, worried I’d make him mad, and at the same time, relieved he’d answered.

  Gabriel: He says we need to know about our pasts so someone doesn?
??t show up one day. If it isn’t a surprise, we’ll be ready.

  Gabriel: But what if your parents are secretly axe murderers? Do you really need to know?

  Gabriel: If you don’t want to know, you shouldn’t be forced to know.

  Gabriel: I know you want in the Academy, but maybe you shouldn’t join if they want you to learn about your real mom.

  Relief spread through me. He understood, sympathized. He was talking to me. My heart soared. Maybe he was cranky, but he was helping.

  Sang: I wish you were here to talk about this. I know you’re running around with my phone.

  Gabriel: This sucks. Sometimes I think they do this on purpose so we’re not together.

  I didn’t want to make the others the enemy. The goal was to keep them together, not splinter them.

  Sang: It was my fault. I traded my phone with you not realizing if you’re carrying it, they’d have you running around with it.

  Sang: Anyway, I’ll have to tell Mr. Blackbourne sometime. I don’t want to disappoint him. I don’t know how to refuse again if he brings it up.

  Sang: He wants me in the Academy. I just want to stay with you, in the Academy or not. Whichever lets me stay with you.

  I stopped typing. He didn’t respond. I waited for him to come back and say something.

  Time passed. No answer.

  I waited until my legs were falling asleep sitting on the toilet seat. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever without Kota knocking and wondering what was wrong with me. Gabriel couldn’t be too upset with me, though, if he’d finally responded. It would have to be good enough for now.

  I cleaned up the torn tissues and wiped my face clean of tears. I sucked in a breath, holding the phone close. I’d forgotten to tell Gabriel I broke his phone. I plotted how I could replace the screen before he got back. Maybe I could ask Kota.