The Other Side of Envy

  Only after he was gone did I realize Gabriel’s phone was still with him. I didn’t have the chance to fix things or help. I’d be in the dark.

  I imagined he’d done it on purpose. I couldn’t blame him. One word from Gabriel, and I’d have probably walked barefoot through coals over miles just to fix everything I’d done.

  AMID SILENCE, STORMS BREW

  The wind swept against my skin, prickling with chill and dampness. I leaned against the railing, facing the oncoming breeze. I sucked down the clean air, filling my lungs. A moment of calmness.

  I wasn’t ready to return to the hotel room. I’d messed up. How could I face the others knowing the mistakes I’d made? The truth I knew now?

  Gabriel might be coming for me, maybe with the intention to run off with me and get away from the Academy.

  If I stayed outside too long, someone would notice. To find the courage, I told myself North would fix things. He had promised he would. I needed to trust.

  I urged my nerves to settle.

  I went back to the hotel room and had to knock to be let in.

  Nathan opened the door. He smiled and looked past me and then smirked. “Where’d North go?”

  “He took off,” I said. I was going to say something to make an excuse as to where he’d gone, but then, I couldn’t lie, and I couldn’t think at all what to say. “He told me to come back in and stay.”

  “Huh,” Nathan said. He moved aside, letting me in and then leaned out the door. He glanced toward the road, where a pizza delivery car was pulling into the hotel parking lot. “That’s got to be our pizza.”

  “Make sure it is,” Kota called to him. “Check to make sure it isn’t Volto or someone else.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Nathan said, and walked over to the stairwell, where the pizza guy had turned in and was driving slowly. The door closed behind Nathan, leaving me alone with Kota and Silas.

  Kota patted the spot next to him on the bed. “Do you want to sit here, or at the table?”

  I didn’t want to be close to anyone right then. I had messed things up, possibly causing Gabriel to run off. If North didn’t fix things, I’d have to face Kota and the others and explain to them why Gabriel had felt the need to run off.

  I’d be next. I’d have to leave the group if I was causing this much chaos. The Academy would take one look at me and blame me for breaking up the group. They would say they had been correct in determining groups can’t function with one girl and a bunch of boys. They would say Lily’s group was a rare exception.

  “At the table,” I said, “if we’re going to eat pizza.” It was a good enough excuse to sit away from them for a while. I didn’t want to be comfortable when I felt I should be in trouble for what I’d done.

  The edge of Kota’s lips turned down, but then he got up from the bed. He pulled up the other chair at the table. He sat down in it next to me, briefly touching my hand. He said nothing. As he then pulled his things off the table to make room for the oncoming pizza boxes, he said, without words, things that only I understood. He knew something was wrong. I might not talk about it, but he’d stand by me.

  It hurt more than helped, because I couldn’t stop myself thinking about how badly I had screwed up, worried he’d hate me once he learned the truth.

  I had no way to know what was going on outside the hotel room. The only thing I could do was sit and wait.

  It was agony.

  Nathan returned with pizza. Surprisingly, Victor trailed in behind him.

  “What are you doing here?” Kota asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be—”

  “There’s been a changeup,” Victor said quickly. His eyes scanned the room and then settled on me. He smiled weakly. Something was up. He knew about it. “Mr. Blackbourne told me to come here.”

  He knew. Victor and apparently Mr. Blackbourne did know, too.

  I sunk into the chair, pulling my feet under me and curling up. He didn’t have to say it. Somehow, he knew what was going on.

  Kota’s eyebrows shifted and he looked confused. “Are we still tracking Gabriel and Luke?”

  “Yeah,” Victor said. He pulled his phone out from his pocket and swiped at it a bit. “I’m watching them. I’ll get my laptop from the car in a minute and will keep better tabs. I just wanted to check in.”

  Kota nodded. He stood up and then moved to the door. “Do you want to fill me in? We can go get your things.”

  Victor looked at me and then nodded stiffly. “Sure,” he said. He opened the door, stepping back outside. Kota followed.

  I let out a breath. I wasn’t sure how much he’d tell Kota. I was about ready to simply give up. Bottled up secrets screamed to be released. Lily. Gabriel. Me. All of it.

  No wonder Mr. Blackbourne had been keeping it to himself.

  If only Mr. Blackbourne and North informed us all right from the start, when we could all sit and talk about it, and not when we were splintered and running from McCoy.

  Kota was going to ask Victor why plans had changed.

  I sunk as low in the chair as I could. My fault. Whatever they’d been planning to do, this might destroy it.

  Nathan started opening pizza boxes. One of them had half of a pizza containing bacon, pepperoni and extra cheese: Nathan’s. The other half contained chicken, black olives and pineapple.

  Nathan picked up one of the thin slices that contained the chicken side of ingredients. He showed it to me. “Can I try? You won’t eat half a pizza by yourself, will you?”

  I shrugged, encouraging him to eat. Secretly, I hoped he’d eat all of it. I’d have to nibble at something around them, but I couldn’t imagine eating. My stomach was tied up in so many knots, I couldn’t even imagine swallowing water.

  Nathan ate a big bite of the slice. “Hm,” he said, talking while he chewed. “It’s not bad, actually.”

  “It’s an abomination,” Silas said, standing by. He reached out for the slice Nathan was holding. “Let me try.”

  Nathan passed over the slice. Silas took a bite. He chewed and swallowed. “It’s not pepperoni.”

  “It’s not bad, though, is it?” Nathan took another bite. “Actually, it’s pretty good. It’s like that bite of sweet with everything else being salty.”

  “That’s not a pizza,” Silas said, taking the other large box over to the bed where he opened the lid and picked up a slice. “It’s something else, but not pizza.”

  “Tell me you wouldn’t eat it,” Nathan said.

  “I’d eat it,” Silas said. “But you can’t call it pizza. It’s only pizza if it’s got pepperoni on it.”

  Kota and Victor returned. I remained still, watching Kota, but trying not to make eye contact. He didn’t seem too upset. I wasn’t sure what Victor might have told him. I was worried maybe Kota was trying to hide his feelings from the others.

  That didn’t seem to be the case though. Kota went to the pizza boxes. He tore open the top of a couple of boxes to create makeshift plates. “Who wants to eat North’s since he’s gone?”

  “He’s not coming back?” Nathan asked.

  “I don’t think he’ll be back tonight,” Victor said. “I’m taking his place.”

  Nathan opened the box with North’s pizza. It was a large, thin crust with minimal cheese and covered in tomato, spinach and mushrooms. There were slices of ham mixed in.

  Victor made a face. “He might as well have ordered a salad.”

  “We can order another one,” Kota said.

  “I can share a slice or two,” Silas said, and came over with his box, of which he’d already eaten three slices. He swapped out two of his pepperoni slices for some of North’s. “Now I can tell him I ate vegetables this week. At least he skipped the jalapeno peppers this time.”

  Nathan grunted, picking up a slice of North’s pizza and trying a bite. “It’s not horrible,” he said. “I like Sang’s better.”

  Victor squinted at the collection of different pizzas. “Which one is Sang’s?”

  Nathan pointed to the
chicken pizza. “Chicken, black olives and pineapple.”

  Victor examined the pizza. “Interesting.”

  I grimaced. Victor knew about what was going on, and yet he didn’t seem to be upset or too concerned. Maybe North would fix it. Maybe this was all temporary. Maybe Kota was right that he needed a nap and then Gabriel would see things more clearly. North could relieve Gabriel and run around with my phone to give Gabriel time to rest.

  It seemed logical. It felt like what North would try to do.

  I was grateful for that.

  Trust. I knew I needed to. It was just difficult to stand by when it was my fault.

  Victor picked up one of the smaller slices of my pizza and then took a bite. “Oh wow,” he said. “I think I like it.”

  “She hasn’t even had any yet,” Nathan said. He picked up one of the larger slices and then put it on one of Kota’s makeshift plates. He passed it over to me. “Eat one before they eat it all. Or I do.”

  The smell was getting to me. I was hungry. Maybe being hungry and overtired was my problem, too. Maybe I was too cranky from being up all night like Gabriel.

  I took my slice and ate. It was mechanical at first. But after a few bites, my stomach craved more and the flavors were pretty good. I finished up my slice and had one more.

  The others split up the rest between them. Some of North’s was left at the end, and Silas said we should hang on to it in case he managed to get back tonight.

  They picked out a TV channel to watch. Kota didn’t press on them any more about homework. It seemed no one wanted to be bothered with it.

  I ended up on the bed between Kota and Victor. Nathan and Silas sat on the other one. Kota read quietly from his phone while the others watched TV. While it was only nine, I sensed they were all tired.

  At some point, Kota got up to go to the bathroom. He turned the shower on and I thought that he must have been thinking ahead to tomorrow morning, when everyone would try to get in a shower before school.

  I wedged myself between the sheets, shifting to lay in the middle of the bed. If Victor slept in the same bed with Kota and I, it’d be a tight squeeze. It’d be even tighter if I got in with Silas and Nathan, since they were bulkier.

  Victor stood and moved to change out of his clothes into pajama pants, leaving on a white T-shirt before he crawled into bed beside me, his back to the TV and the others.

  Victor checked over his shoulder at Nathan and Silas. He lay close next to me and whispered, “Did you hear about Gabriel?”

  Ice dripped down my spine. I sunk in hard against the bed, trying to hide myself but unable to do so. “Does Kota know?” I asked quietly.

  “He knows the plan has changed,” Victor said. “We told him Gabriel had a new plan, but we don’t know exactly what it is. We have to trust Gabriel, because he’s in the situation and we’re not there. We’re still on the move with McCoy being followed by our extra team. I was hoping North could locate Gabriel and...”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, starting to sit up and realizing I couldn’t. Not without attracting attention. “He’s gone?”

  “He left your phone with Luke. Luke’s the one running around, letting Mr. McCoy chase him.” Victor tilted his head against the pillow. His fire eyes were on a low simmer. “He’s got another plan in mind. Something to help move things along, I think. Did you say something to him?”

  Yes. “I might have riled him up. I was trying to cheer him up since this morning.”

  “I kept meaning to talk to him today,” he said. “He left this morning in that bad mood. He was standoffish earlier.” He sighed and covered his forehead with an arm. “I don’t know what to do.”

  I don’t know why, but seeing that Victor was troubled by this made me feel not as alone. I snuggled up as close as I could, reaching to hold his hand and dipping my cheek to his shoulder. “It is my fault,” I whispered. “I...said some things to him. I was trying to draw him out, to get him on my side. Like Mr. Blackbourne said.”

  “It doesn’t help when he feels we’re all looking down on him.” Victor moved his arm from his face and reached out to me, moving a lock of hair away from my eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

  It so was. “I shouldn’t have pushed him,” I said. “I should have left him alone until he could sleep.”

  “Don’t blame yourself,” he said. He curled the lock of hair between his fingers. “Gabriel has a way of being odd. One time you argue with him and he wants to be alone. Then you learn he wanted you to talk to him all along. The next time, he really does just want to be alone. He’s so moody.”

  “I just wanted to fix things,” I said.

  Victor pressed his lips together, the fire in his eyes burning lower now, barely a spark. “I don’t know if you could.”

  “Apparently I didn’t,” I said. “I messed up.”

  He released my hair to point at his own chest. “No. I mean, I think we’ve messed up,” he said. “Gabriel’s different and we know this. We take for granted the things he does for us. We work to make everything feel like we’re a family, but lately it’s been difficult.”

  “I want to help, but I’m afraid of trying anything and driving him further away. I don’t even know what I could do at this point. North took Gabriel’s phone. I have no way to reach anyone.”

  Victor’s lips twisted. He reached to the bedside table where he’d placed his phone and brought it around, holding it between us. “I could text him. I’m not sure...” His eyes suddenly lowered and his fire eyes flickered. He was thinking.

  Suddenly, he sat up, twisted on the bed and fiddled with his phone. He glanced at the television screen and then spoke aloud. “Silas, unless you really want to know how this show ends, can you turn it off?”

  Silas groaned and pointed to Nathan. “You’ve got the remote. I was almost asleep anyway.”

  Nathan spun on his side of the bed and then picked up the remote. “Making a phone call?” Nathan asked, turning off the television.

  “I need your help,” Victor said. “Gabriel’s feeling a bit down.”

  “He was grumpy today,” Nathan said. He tossed the remote onto the side table, pulled back the blanket and stood up. He tugged at the bedspread, which Silas was holding down by laying on it. “Get up a minute, Silas. Let me take this cover off.”

  Silas rolled off onto the floor. He stood, stretched and then turned around. “What do you want us to do?” he asked in the middle of a yawn. He finished and then scratched his neck. “He’s not even here.”

  “I was thinking of a birthday thing. But last night he was saying he didn’t feel good about being around us. Mostly he thinks we’re smarter and stronger than he is.”

  Nathan looked over at Silas. His eyebrows moving together in a questioning gaze. “Well, technically I’m probably stronger than he is.”

  “We can lift more,” Silas said. He looked at Victor. “Does he want to learn to lift?”

  “No,” Victor said, shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

  I sat up, stuffing the blanket around my shoulders, and putting the sweatshirt hood over my head to keep in the warmth. I understood what Victor was saying, and it sparked an idea. “Could you all talk about things you admire about Gabriel?” I asked. “Victor can record it and send it on to him.” This sounded much better than goading Gabriel about his past to talk to me. Maybe it was too late. But somehow, it didn’t feel like it was. Victor seemed okay with the thought.

  Nathan shoved the cover onto the floor and then jumped, slamming down onto the bed on his stomach, making the whole thing shake. He grinned and then rolled over on his back, stuffing his arms under his head to look up at the ceiling. “I guess,” he said. “Ready to record?”

  That excited me further. I sat up more, smiling. They were quick to want to help, no matter what it was. Gabriel in trouble? Want us to say something nice about him? No problem.

  Victor pressed buttons on his cell phone and then nodded. “Go.”

  The room
fell silent. We glanced at one another. I think we were all waiting for some direction, for someone to start. Silas sat on the bed.

  Victor pressed the stop button. “We can’t think of anything?”

  “It’s hard to start,” Nathan said. “I don’t know what to say. ‘Hey, Gabriel. You draw realistic flowers. That’s awesome.’ It just seems stupid. He’d probably think it’s dorky.”

  The bathroom door opened. Kota stepped out with a white hotel towel over his shoulder. He was in the pajama bottoms again, a fresh T-shirt on, his glasses foggy. He glanced at us, and raised an eyebrow. “Are we going to sleep?”

  We all looked at each other guiltily.

  “We’re trying to say nice things about Gabriel so he can stop being depressed,” Nathan said. “You know how he is. It’s almost his birthday, too.”

  Kota instantly turned to me. “This is your idea?” he asked.

  “I came up with it,” Victor said defensively. “She’s helping.”

  I wasn’t sure what happened. Kota asked a gentle question, curious.

  Kota’s eyes shifted from Victor to me. “I don’t know if he’d see through us talking about him like that. It’s like complimenting someone. It can be appreciated, but too much and you risk making him feel like we’re coddling him. He’ll resent it.

  That didn’t sound any better. Victor and I looked at each other. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea at all.

  Kota moved to his overnight kit and started taking out his toothbrush and toothpaste. He curled his fingers at me. “Come brush your teeth,” he said.

  Was that it? Couldn’t we come up with another plan?

  I got up, knowing I needed to brush my teeth. What else could I do?

  Kota handed over his own toothbrush and paste. He stood by while I loaded the brush and rinsed it before putting it in my mouth. I brushed quickly to get it over with.

  As I was doing that, Kota turned to the others. He motioned to Victor to turn on his phone and record.

  Victor did and Kota started. “It takes me at least an hour to get ready in the morning before going to school. Gabriel can throw himself together in less than fifteen.”