The Vnfortunate Traveller, or The Life Of Jack Wilton

footclothes of verses. Wee that are good fellowes, and liueas merrie as cup and can, will not verse vpon you as they do, but mustdoe as we can, and entertaine you if it bee but with a playne emptieCanne. He hath learning inough that hath learnd to drinke to his firstman.

  Gentle Duke, without paradox be it spoken, thy horses at your owneproper costs and charges shall kneed vp to the knees all the while thouart here in spruce beere & lubeck licour. Not a dog thou bringst withthee but shall be banketted with rhenish wine and sturgion. On ourshoulders we weare no lamb skin or miniuer like these academikes, yetwee can drinke to the confusion of all thy enemies. Good lambes-woollhaue we for their lambe skins, and for their miniuer, large minerals inour coffers. Mechanicall men they call vs, and not amisse, for most ofvs being _Mochi_, yt is, cuckolds & whooremasters, fetch our antiquitiefrom the temple of _Mocha_, where Mahomet is hung vp. Three parts of theworld, America, Affrike and Asia, are of this our mechanike religion._Nero_ when he crid _O quantus artifex pereo_, profest himselfe of ourfreedome. Insomuch as _Artifex_ is a citizen or craftsman, as wel as_Carnifex_ a scholler or hangman. Passe on by leaue into the precinctsof our abhomination. Bony Duke, frolike in our bowse, and perswade thyselfe that euen as garlike hath three properties, to make a man winke,drinke, and stinke, so wee wyll winke on thy imperfections, drinke tothy fauorites, & all thy foes shall stinke before vs. So be it Farewell.

  The Duke laught not a little at this ridiculous oration, but that verienight, as great an ironicall occasion was ministred, for he wasbidden to one of the chiefe schoolesto a Comedie handled by scollers._Acolastus_ the prodigall childe was the name of it, which was sofilthily acted, so leathernly sette foorth, as woulde haue mouedlaughter in _Heraclitus_. One as if he had beene playning a clay floorestampingly troade the stage so harde with his feete, that I thoughtverily he had resolued to doe the Carpenter that sette it vp some vttershame. Another floung his armes lyke cudgelles at a peare tree, in somuch as it was mightily dreaded that hee woulde strike the candles thathung aboue theyr heades out of their sockets, and leaue them all darke.Another did nothing but winke and make faces. There was a parasite, &he with clapping his hands and thripping his fingers seemed to dancean antike to and fro The onely thing they did well, was the prodigalchildes hunger, most of their schollers being hungerly kept, and surelyyou would haue sayd they had ben brought vp in hogs academie to learneto eate acornes, if you had seene how sedulously they fell to them. Nota iest had they to keepe their auditors from sleepe but of swill anddraffe, yes now and then the seruant put his hand into the dish beforehis master, and almost choakt himselfe, eating slouenly and rauenouslyto cause sport.

  The next daie they had solempne disputations, where _Luther_ and_Carolostadius_ scolded leuell coile. A masse of words I wot well theyheapt vp against the masse and the Pope, but farther perticulars oftheir disputations I remember not. I thought verily they woulde haueworried one another with wordes, they were so earnest and vehement._Luther_ had the louder voice, _Carolostadius_ went beyond him inbeating and bounsing with his fists, _Quae supra nos nihil ad nos_. Theyvttered nothing to make a man laugh, therefore I wil leaue them. Marytheyr outward iestures now and then would affoorde a man a morsell ofmirth: of those two I meane not so much, as of all the other traine ofopponents and respondents. One peckte like a crane with his forefingerat euery halfe sillable he brought forth, and nodded with his nose likean olde singing man, teaching a yong querister to keepe time. Anotherwould be sure to wipe his mouth with his handkercher at the end ofeuerie full point And euer when he thought he had cast a figureso curiously, as he diu'de ouer head and eares into his auditorsadmiration, hee would take occasion to stroke vp his haire, and twinevp his mustachios twice or thrice ouer while they might haue leasureto applaud him. A third wauerd and wagled his head, like a proud horseplaying with his bridle, or as I haue seene some fantasticall swimmer,at euerie stroke, traine his chin sidelong ouer his left shoulder. Afourth swet and foamed at the mouth, for verie anger his aduersariehad denied that part of his sillogisme which he was not prepared toaunswere. A fifth spread his armes like an vsher that goes before tomake roome, and thript with his finger & his thumbe when he thought hehad tickled it with a conclusion. A sixt hung downe his countenance lykea sheepe, and stutted and slauered verie pittifully when his inuentionwas stept aside out of the waie. A seuenth gaspt and gapt for winde,and groned in his pronunciation as if he were hard bound in some badargument. Grosse plodders they were all, that had some learning andreading, but no wit to make vse of it They imagined the Duke tooke thegreatest pleasure and contentment vnder heauen to heare them speak.Latine, and as long as they talkt nothing but _Tully_ he was bound toattend them. A most vaine thing it is in many vniuersities at this daye,that they count him excellent eloquent, who stealeth not whole phrasesbut whole pages out of _Tully_. If of a number of shreds of hissentences he can shape an oration, from all the world hee carriesit awaie, although in truth it be no more than a fooles coat of manycoulours. No inuention or matter haue they of theyr owne, but tacke vpa stile of his stale galimafries. The leaden headed Germanes first beganthis, and we Englishmen haue surfetted of their absurd imitation. Ipittie _Nizolius_ that had nothing to doe, but picke thrids ends out ofan olde ouerworne garment. This is but by the waie, we must looke backeto our disputants. One amongst the rest thinking to be more conceitedthan his fellowes, seeing the Duke haue a dog hee loued well, which sateby him on the tarras, conuerted all his oration to him, and not a haireof his taile but he kembd out with comparisons. So to haue courtedhim if he were a bitch had bin verie suspitious. Another commented& descanted on the Dukes staffe, new tipping it with many queintepithites. Some cast his natiuitie, and promised him he should notdie till the daie of Judgement Omitting further superfluities of thisstampe, in this general assembly we found intermixed that abundantscholler _Cornelius Agrippa_. At that time he bare the fame to be thegreatest coniurer in Christendome. _Scoto_ that did the iugling trickeshere before the Queene, neuer came neere him one quarter in magickereputation. The Doctors of Wittenberg doting on the rumour that wentof him, desired him before the Duke and them to doe somethingextraordinarie memorable.

  One requested to see pleasant _Plautus_, & that he would shew themin what habite hee went, and with what countenaunce he lookt, when heground corne in the mill. Another had halfe a moneths minde to _Ouid_and his hooke nose. _Erasmus_ who was not wanting to that honourablemeeting, requested to see _Tully_ in that same grace and maiestie hepleaded his Oration _pro Roscio Amerino_. Affirming, that til in personhe beheld his importunitie of pleading, he woulde not be perswaded anieman coulde carrie awaie a manifest case with rethorike, so straungely.To _Erasmus_ petition he easily condiscended, and willing the Doctoursat such an houre to holde theyr conuocation, and euerie one to keepe himin his place without mouing: at the time prefixed in entered _Tully_,ascended his pleading place, and declaimed verbatim the fornamedOration, but with such astonishing amazement, with such feruentexaltation of spirite, with such soule-stirring iestures, that all hisauditours were readie to install his guiltie client for a God.

  Greate was the concourse of glorie _Agrippa_ drewe to him with this onefeate. And in deede hee was so cloyed with men which came to beholdehim, that hee was fayne sooner than hee woulde, to returne to theEmperours court from whence hee came, and leaue Wittenberg before heewoulde. With him we trauelled along, hauing purchast his acquaintance alittle before. By the waie as wee went, my master and I agreed to changenames. It was concluded betwixte vs, that I shoulde bee the Earle ofSurrie, and hee my man, onely because in his owne person, which heewoulde not haue reproched, he meant to take more libertie of behauiour.As for my carryage hee knew hee was to tune it at a key, eyther high orlow, or as hee list.

  To the Emperours Court wee came, where our entertainment was euerie waieplentifull, carouses wee had in whole galons in stead of quart pots. Nota health was giuen vs but contayned well neere a hogshead. The customesof the Countrie we were eager to be instructed in, but nothing we couldelearne but this, that euer at th
e Emperours coronation there is an Oxeroasted with a stagge in the belly, and that stagge in his belly hath akidde, and that kidde is stufte full of birdes. Some courtiers to wearieout time woulde tell vs further tales of _Cornelius Agrippa_, and howwhen sir _Thomas Moore_ our countrieman was there, hee shewed him thewhole destruction of Troy in a dreame. How the Lorde _Cromwell_ beingthe kings Embassador there, in lyke case, in a perspectiue glasse he setbefore his eyes, King Henrie the eight with all his Lordes hunting inhis forrest at Windsore, and when he came into his studie, and was verievrgent to be partaker of some rare experiment, that he might report whenhe came into England, he wilde him amongst two thousande great bookes totake downe which he list, and begin to reade one line in anie place, andwithout booke he woulde rehearse twentie leaues following. _Cromwell_dyd so, and in manye bookes tride him, when in euerie thing hee exceededhis promise and conquered his expectation. To _Charles_ the fiftethen