The Vnfortunate Traveller, or The Life Of Jack Wilton

so deep in his whole length, nor hath so much cloth in it I williustifie, as onely the standing cape of a Dutchmans cloake. I haue notyet toucht all, for hee hath in eyther shoo as much taffaty for histyings, as would serue for an ancient: which serueth him (if you willhaue the mysterie of it) of the owne accord for a shoo-rag. A souldiorand a braggart he is (thats concluded) he ietteth strouting, dancingon his toes with his hands vnder his sides. If you talke with him, heemakes a dish-cloath of his owne Countrey in comparison of _Spaine_; butif you vrge him more particularly wherein it exceeds, hee can giue noinstance, but in _Spaine_ they haue better bread than any we haue: when(poore hungry slaues) they may crumble it into water wel enough and makemisons with it, for they haue not a good morsell of meate except it beesalt pilchers to eate with it al the yere long: and which is more, theyare poore beggers, and lye in foule straw euery night.

  _Italy_ the paradice of the earth, and the Epicures heauen, how dothit forme our yong master? It makes him to kisse his hand like an ape,cringe his neck like a starueling, and play at hey passe repasse comealoft when hee salutes a man. From thence he brings the art of atheisme,the art of epicurising, the art of whoring, the art of poysoning, theart of Sodomitrie. The onely probable good thing they haue to keepevs from vtterly condemning it, is, that it maketh a man an excellentCourtier, a curious carpet knight; which is by interpretation, a fineclose leacher, a glorious hypocrite. It is now a priuie note amongst thebetter sort of men, when they would set a singular marke or brand on anotorious villaine, to say, he hath been in _Italy_.

  With the Dane and the Dutchman I will not encounter, for they are simplehonest men, that with _Danaus_ daughters do nothing but fill bottomlestubs, & wil be drunk & snort in the midst of dinner: he hurts himselfeonely that goes thether, hee cannot lightly be damnd, for the vintners,the brewers, the malt-men and alewiues praye for him. Pitch and pay,they will play all day: score and borrow, they will wysh him muchsorrowe. But lightly a man is nere the better for their praiers, forthey commit al deadly sinne for the most part of them in mingling theirdrinke, the vintners in the highest degree.

  Why iest I in such a necessary perswasiue discourse? I am a banishtexile from my countrie, though nere linkt in consanguinitie to the best:an Earle borne by birth, but a begger now as thou seest. These manyyeres in _Italy_ haue I liu'd an outlaw. A while I had a liberallpension of the Pope, but that lasted not, for he continued not: onesucceeded him in his chaire, that car'd neither for Englishmen nor hisowne countrimen. Then was I driu'n to picke vp my crums amongst theCardinals, to implore the beneuolence & charitie of al the Dukes ofItaly whereby I haue since made a poore shift to liue, but so liue, as Iwish my selfe a thousand times dead.

  _Cumpatriam amisi, tunc me periisse putato_. When I was banisht, thinkeI caught my bane.

  The sea is the natiue soyle to fishes, take fishes from the sea, theytake no ioy nor thriue, but perish straight. So likewise the birdsremoued from the aire (the abode wherto they were borne) the beasts fromthe earth, and I from _England_. Can a lambe take delight to be suckledat the brests of a she-wolfe? I am a lambe nourisht with the milke ofwolues, one that with the Ethiopians inhabiting ouer against _Meroe_,feede on nothing but scorpions: vse is another nature, yet ten timesmore contentiue, were nature restored to her kingdome from whence sheeis excluded. Beleeue mee, no aire, no bread, no fire, no water agreewith a man, or dooth him anye good out of his owne countrey. Coldefrutes neuer prosper in a hot soile, nor hot in a cold. Let no man forany transitorie pleasure sell away the inheritance of breathing he hathin the place where he was born. Get thee home my yong lad, lay thy bonespeaceably in the sepulcher of thy fathers, waxe old in ouerlooking thygrounds, bee at hand to close the eyes of thy kinred. The diuell and Iam desperate, he of being restored to heauen, I of being recalled home.

  Here he held his peace and wept. I glad of any opportunitie of a fullpoynt to part from him, told him I tooke his counsaile in worth, whatlaye in mee to requite in loue should not bee lacking. Some businessethat concerned mee highly cald mee away verie hastely, but another timeI hop'd wee should meete. Verie hardly he let me goe, but I earnestlyouerpleading my occasions, at length he dismist mee, told mee where hislodging was, and charged mee to visite him without excuse very often.

  Heeres a stirre thought I to my selfe after I was set at libertie, thatis worse than an vpbrayding lesson after a britching: certainly if I hadbethought mee like a rascall as I was, hee should haue had an auemarieof mee for his cynicke exhortation. God plagud mee for deriding such agraue fatherly aduertiser. List the worst throw of ill luckes.

  Tracing vp and downe the City to seeke my Curtizan till the eueningbegan to growe well in age, it fortuned, the Element as if it had dronketoo much in the afternoone, powrde downe so profoundly, that I was forstto creepe like one afraid of the Watch close vnder the pentises, wherethe cellar doore of a Jewes house called _Zadoch_ (ouer which in mydirect waye I did passe) beeing vnbard on the inside, ouer head andeares I fell into it as a man falls in a ship from the oreloope into theholde: or as in an earthquake the ground should open, and a blinde mancome feeling pad pad ouer the open Gulph with his staffe, should stumbleon sodaine into hell. Hauing worne out the anguish of my fall a littlewith wallowing vp and downe, I cast vp myne eyes to see vnder whatContinent I was: and loe, (O destenie) I sawe my Curtizane kissing verielouingly with a prentise. My backe and my sides I had hurt with my fall,but now my head sweld & akt worse than both. I was euen gathering windeto come vpon her with a full blast of contumely, when the Jewe (awakdewith the noyse of my fall) came bustling downe the staires, and raysinghis other semants, attached both the Curtizane and mee for breaking hishouse, and conspiring with his prentise to rob him.

  It was then the lawe in _Rome_, that if anie man had a fellon falne intohis hands, eyther by breaking into his house, or robbing him by the highway, hee might choose whether he would make him his bondman, or hanghim. _Zadoch_ (as all Jewes are couetous) casting with himselfe heeshould haue no benefite by casting mee off the ladder, had anotherpolicie in his head: hee went to one Doctour _Zacharie_ the popesphisition, that was a Jewe and his Countreyman likewise, and tolde himhee had the finest bargaine for him that might bee. It is not concealedfrom mee (sayth he) that the time of your accustomed yearely Anatomieis at hand, which it behooues you vnder forfeiture of the foundation ofyour Colledge verie carefully to prouide for. The infection is great,and hardly will you get a sound bodie to deale vpon: you are myCountreyman, therefore I come to you first. Bee it knowen vnto you,I haue a young man at home falne to me for my bondman, of the age ofeighteene, of stature tall, streight limm'd, of as cleere a complectionas anie painters fancie can imagine: goe too, you are an honest man, andone of the scattered Children of _Abraham_ you shall haue him for fiuehundred crownes. Let mee see him quoth Doctour _Zacharie_, and Iwill giue you as much as another. Home hee sent for mee, pinniond andshackeld I was transported alongst the streete: where passing vnder_Iulianaes_ the Marques of _Mantuaes_ wiues window, that was a lustie_Bona Roba_ one of the popes concubines, as she had her casement halfeopen, she lookt out and spide me. At the first sight she was enamoredwith my age and beardles face, that had in it no ill signe ofphisiognomie fatall to fetters: after me shee sent to know what I was,wherein I had offended, and whether I was going? My conductsresolued them all. She hauing receiued this answere, with a lustfullcollachrimation lamenting my Jewish Premunire, that bodie and goods Ishould lyght into the hands of such a cursed generation, inuented themeanes of my release.

  But first Ile tel you what betided me after I was brought to Doctour_Zacharies_.

  The purblinde Doctour put on his spectacles and lookt vppon mee: andwhen he had throughly viewd my face, he caused mee to bee striptnaked, to feele and grope whether each lim were sound, and my skinnot infected. Then hee pierst my arme to see how my bloud ranne: whichassayes and searchings ended, he gaue _Zadoch_ hys full price and senthim away, then lockt mee vp in a darke chamber till the day of anatomie.

  O the cold sweating cares which I conceiued afte
r I knew I should be cutlike a French summer dublet. Me thought already the bloud began togush out at my nose: if a flea on the arme had but bit me, I deemed theinstrument had prickt me. Well, well, I maye scofle at a shrowde turne,but theres no such readye waye to make a man a true Christian, as toperswade himselfe he is taken vp for an anatomie. Ile depose I praidthen more than I did in seauen yeare before. Not a drop of sweatetrickeled downe my breast and my sides, but I dreamd it was a smoothedgde razor tenderly slicing down my breast and my sides. If any knocktat doore.

  I supposed it was the beadle of Surgeons Hall come for mee. In the nightI dreamd of nothing but Phlebotomie, bloudy fluxes, incamatiues, runningvlcers. I durst not let out a wheale for feare through it I should bleedto death. For meate in this distance I had plum-porredge of purgationsministred mee one after another to clarifie my bloud, that it shouldnot lye doddered in the flesh. Nor did he it so much for clarifyingphisicke, as to saue charges.