Here We Lie

  ‘Please, Jed, calm down,’ Rose pleads.

  ‘Don’t tell me to calm down,’ Jed roars. ‘Now where is my fucking fiancée?’

  August 2014

  TERRIBLE news . . . Bex’s stepdad won’t let her use his computer AT ALL and her phone is so basic all we can do is text. She wasn’t online ALL DAY today and I nearly DIED as we are leaving for the holiday tomorrow morning. I thought perhaps she had forgotten about me or turned her back just like Ava and Poppy. I was REALLY upset, I couldn’t even hide it from Mum. Of course Mum thought I was upset about the holiday. And I AM upset about that a bit because I look SO BAD in all my clothes but Lish will be there and Emily is nice and I liked her sister okay and her brother A LOT and we will be going on his YACHT which sounds super cool. Of course the two people I saw upstairs at the engagement party will both be there, but now I’ve done chats with Bex about them I’m sure she’s right and I just misunderstood what was happening. So I’m not even worried about that, only that I might be WITHOUT BEX for a whole fortnight!!!

  Anyway, like I say, earlier I was SO upset when Bex hadn’t been on UFrenz all day and then at last she was and I said I thought maybe she was mad with me and she said no never and then she explained about her stepdad. I think he sounds SO mean. Anyway, Bex said he had like grounded her from using his computer so maybe we could text instead and she gave me her number. Of course she has such a bad phone that we can’t even send pictures to each other but at least I know I will be able to be in touch with her when I’m on holiday and there’s no wi-fi and Daddy makes me not go on the internet cos ‘it’s a waste’. I am SO relieved that Bex and I are best friends. I’m not even worrying about how fat I am for the holiday or if Daddy will be cross. I know he doesn’t like me being fat – he makes remarks like he does about Lishy’s course at uni, like jokey things that aren’t jokey really. ‘Do you really want that bar of chocolate?’ and ‘Maybe we should all pass on ice cream’, meaning I should. Because obviously he doesn’t mean Emily because she is REALLY slim, like an actual model. I love her hair too, it is so long and silky. I wish mine could be like that, all swishy instead of like a big ugly helmet plonked on my head.

  Ooh, there’s a text, I bet it’s from Bex. Thank goodness she is my bestie, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

  December 2014

  ‘I’ll go and get Emily,’ Rose says. ‘You’ll terrify her if you barge in like this.’

  ‘Good, she deserves a fright after what she’s put me through.’

  I can hear Rose ushering Jed into the kitchen. I stand, frozen, on the landing. I can’t believe Rose called him. Half-asleep, I run into my room and pull on a sweater over my nightdress. As I’m hitching up the sleeves, Rose appears in the doorway, anxiety etched on her face.

  ‘Oh, you’re awake.’ She fidgets with the edge of her dressing gown. ‘Did you hear Jed, he’s—?’

  ‘I expect half the bloody street heard him,’ I hiss. ‘I can’t believe you told him I was here.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I just knew how much he’d be worrying,’ she says, her face wreathed in contrition. ‘I thought he’d wait until morning. I’ll tell him you’re still asleep.’

  I shake my head, flicking my hair out from where it’s trapped under the sweater. ‘He’ll just barge up here if I don’t go down. For God’s sake, Rose.’ I hurry past her, downstairs and into the kitchen. Rose follows. Jed has his back to us, looking out through the window at the dark garden beyond. My feet are cold on the tiled floor. Jed doesn’t turn, but he must be able to see us both reflected in the window. Rose and I glance at each other, then Rose retreats to the hall. She shuts the door with a click. Jed straightens at the sound but still doesn’t turn. He has taken off his overcoat which is draped on the chair opposite me.

  I’m suddenly transported back to the day my parents died. The last time I remember seeing them my dad was standing exactly where Jed is now, with my mother on the other side of the table, just like I am. Mum hugged me and told me to run along, a bright, fixed smile on her face. Even though I was only eleven I sensed the smile was a fake, though I didn’t – at the time – think to question why Mum might have been so sad. Because my dad was so cold? Because she had been unhappy in their marriage, like Martin said?

  ‘Jed?’

  He turns around at last. His body is stiff with fury, his eyes glinting in the low light.

  ‘Would you mind telling me what the fuck exactly is going on with you?’ he demands. ‘You call me and tell me you’re going to Dan, despite the fact that you promised you wouldn’t see him.’

  ‘I . . . I . . .’

  ‘After which I get nothing. No call. No explanation. I’ve been going out of my head with worry,’ he snarls. ‘What happened, baby? Too busy fucking?’

  ‘No.’ I take a deep breath. This is it. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t call, but you told me to choose. And . . . and I’ve chosen.’

  Jed stares at me.

  ‘It’s not working,’ I stammer, heart thumping. ‘You and me, it just isn’t working.’

  ‘Not working?’ Jed’s voice is like ice. ‘It was working until last night. What does not working mean exactly?’

  ‘It means I . . .’ I hesitate. It’s hard to say the words to his face. But I owe him that much at least. ‘I can’t be engaged to you – be with you – any more.’

  The kitchen clock ticks loudly into the silence. Another reminder of my long-ago past. I meet his gaze as he crosses the space between us. Every step is careful and controlled. It feels like an eternity until he is standing in front of me, taller than I’m used to because he’s in shoes and I have bare feet. Menacing. I hold my ground though inside I am shaking.

  ‘You don’t get to do this,’ he says slowly, each word italicized. ‘We’re meant to be together. We’re getting married.’

  ‘No, Jed,’ I say. ‘You know I’m right. You must have felt it yourself. Everything’s been wrong since . . . well, definitely since I went to the police. Look at the way you traced me through my phone. That’s not—’

  ‘I did that because I care about you,’ he says with self-righteous venom. ‘I’m older than you and I care about you and you’re sometimes deeply, disturbingly naïve as your ridiculous faith in Dan Thackeray’s lies proves.’

  ‘Dan hasn’t lied,’ I say. ‘He told the truth about Lish. And you won’t believe it. You don’t trust me.’

  Jed spreads his hands. ‘Of course I trust you,’ he says, his voice suddenly conciliatory. ‘I was just upset. Okay, I was jealous, I admit it. But the ExAche was accidentally poisoned because Benecke Tricorp were negligent, which I am dealing with through the court case. It had nothing to do with Lish. Those are lies.’

  ‘I haven’t been lying about Lish,’ I say with a sigh.

  ‘I know. I don’t think you were lying, just that Dan has conned you over him.’ His eyes bore through me.

  ‘You’re wrong, Jed. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to find out what . . . what Lish is doing, what he’s done. But the bottom line is he’s breaking the law and you’d rather accuse me of being gullible and paranoid than face the truth.’ I take a step away from him. ‘So, I’m sorry that it hasn’t worked out, but we can’t be together any more.’ Hands trembling, I pull my engagement ring off my finger and lay it on the table beside us. ‘Here’s the ring. Please take it back.’

  Jed slowly picks it up and holds it out to me in his palm. ‘I don’t want it back,’ he says fiercely. ‘I want you back. God, don’t you get it? I love you, baby,’ he pleads, changing his entire demeanour so suddenly that I blink. ‘Please don’t do this. Because I don’t believe it’s what you really truly want. I don’t believe you’ve really stopped loving me.’ He pauses. ‘Think about it. Are you seriously saying you don’t love me?’

  Outside a police siren sounds into the darkness. I wonder if Rose is still next door, if she is listening to us. I lower my voice.

  ‘I don’t know exactly how I feel,’ I say.

  ‘So you’
re confused?’ Jed pounces.

  ‘Stop being such a lawyer,’ I snap.

  Jed holds up his hands in apology. ‘Sorry, baby, sorry. Look, I get it now. We’ve been together over a year and it’s not so exciting as it used to be. We’ve been through a lot: Dee Dee’s death has put a big strain on us. Then Dan Thackeray and his lies.’ He frowns sorrowfully. ‘Oh, baby, perhaps it’s also that you’re just not coping very well with us settling down together. It would make sense. I mean, you’ve never lived for more than a month or two with anyone before.’

  I grit my teeth, now irritated by how patronizing he is being.

  ‘You’re missing the point, Jed. I’m sorry it’s not all sorted in my head. I just know I don’t want to be with you any more.’

  Jed’s fist closes around the diamond ring in his outstretched hand. His knuckles are clenched so tightly they are white. In a stride he closes the gap between us. He looms over me, gripping my chin with his free hand and forcing me round to look at him. He is so close I can feel his breath on my skin. I stare into his eyes. He raises his clenched fist.

  ‘Fuck you, Emily.’ For a moment I think he’s going to hit me. I flinch. But then he throws down the ring and storms out. I hear Rose murmur something as he walks through the living room. A second later the front door closes. I sink into a chair.

  Rose appears in the doorway. Her face is ashen. ‘I am so sorry,’ she says. ‘I didn’t think he would be so . . . so vicious. He must be really hurt.’

  I turn on her, my whole body trembling. ‘I know that you want to protect me, Rose, and I can never repay all the looking after me that you’ve done but you shouldn’t have called Jed. You have to stop thinking you can run my life for me. Jed was a mistake. But he was my mistake. My responsibility, for me to deal with in my own time.’

  Our eyes meet. I can’t read Rose’s expression at all.

  ‘Okay,’ she says. ‘But I still think Jed is better for you than Dan Thackeray.’

  ‘And what makes you so super-qualified to run my relationships?’ I ask, my temper rising. ‘From what I hear, you’re not so great at managing your own. Simon more or less told me that you dumped him because you’d had a fling with someone else. What makes you think you’re in any position to lecture me? At least I’ve made a decision about Jed before I’ve got involved with anyone else.’

  ‘How dare you say that.’ Rose’s face drains of colour. ‘And look, you’re admitting you want to get involved with Dan. Even when Jed is a million times better for you.’

  ‘Shut up about it, this is none of your business.’

  Rose gasps. Immediately I feel desperately guilty. I haven’t spoken like that to my sister since I was about sixteen.

  ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have told you to shut—’ Rose cuts me off with a wave of her hand.

  ‘No,’ she says, drawing away and wrapping her dressing gown around her. ‘You’re right, this is none of my business. I just care about you.’

  There’s a long pause. I don’t know how to explain to Rose that caring about me can’t mean telling me what to do. Not any more.

  ‘I’m going to bed,’ I say. I head upstairs and straight into my old room. I shut the door and sit on the bed. A few minutes later I hear the floorboards creak as Rose passes by on the landing. I wait for the sound of her bedroom door closing, then crawl under the duvet. Breaking up with Jed is a sideshow. The real, awful drama is what Cameron is doing; the secret I have to keep; the lies I must tell. I finger the gold bracelet on my wrist, then undo the clasp and take it off. I can’t wear it any more. It represents everything that is wrong: it’s a gift bought with drug money from a man who lies for a living, who has lied to my brother and is now forcing me to conspire in that lie. And it’s the same gift that Dee Dee was wearing when she lost her life in a brutal murder that can never now be revealed . . . that will never now be avenged.

  PART FIVE

  September 2004

  ‘All packed?’ Rose made sure there was a bright smile on her face. But inside she felt like crying.

  ‘Yeah, I’m done.’ Emily’s eyes sparkled with excitement. ‘There’s a pool on the grounds so I’ve taken one of your swimsuits, is that okay?’

  ‘Sure.’ Rose gulped. ‘But no late-night pool parties where you might drown and don’t get too drunk and never walk home after midnight on your own and don’t go on a first date without—’

  ‘. . . without telling someone where you are, yeah, I know, Rosie.’ Emily rolled her eyes and danced away, pirouetting across the living room.

  Rose watched her spin. God, but she was pretty: her perfectly proportioned oval face animated by a vivacious personality; Emily exuded innocence and fun in equal measure. Rose had no doubt but that men would be all over her like a rash. And how was Rose supposed to protect her all the way from home? At least there probably wouldn’t be that many guys on the teacher-training course. Why couldn’t Emily have stayed at home to do it? She had been content to stay home through university but Rose had sensed her restlessness over the past year and knew Emily was at long last truly ready to leave.

  Rose had dreaded this day for a long time but now it was here, it was far, far worse than she had expected.

  ‘Okay, okay.’ Rose forced another smile across her lips. ‘Just remember you’re not too old, young lady.’

  Emily giggled and scampered off back up to her bedroom. She was acting like a ten-year-old, Rose reflected. No one who looked at her would believe she was twenty-three. At that age Rose herself had been working for five years, with sole responsibility for a truculent teenage girl. No, that wasn’t fair. Emily’s truculent years had been behind her by the time Rose had reached her mid-twenties. Since the sixth form Emily had been a delight to have around the house, doing the chores Rose set without complaint, always letting her sister know where she was and working hard to get through her A-levels and into uni.

  ‘Any more bags?’ Martin peered around the living-room door. He frowned as he caught sight of Rose, perched unhappily on the edge of the sofa. ‘Hey, what’s up?’

  ‘Nothing, I’m fine.’ She looked away, out of the window.

  Martin sauntered over until he was standing directly in front of her. He was tall, now. And good-looking in a lean, rangy way. Since he’d got his marketing manager job two years ago he’d started spending more money on clothes. Right now he was wearing jeans with a zig-zag designer label Rose didn’t recognize and a fine-knitted John Smedley jumper.

  ‘Rosie?’ Martin put his hands on his hips. ‘Are you okay?’

  Her lips trembled slightly. ‘Course, it’s just I’ll miss her, that’s all.’

  Martin gathered her into a hug. Rose let him, though her arms remained stiffly by her sides. Both her brother and her sister had always been more tactile than she was. Martin in particular had become very affectionate in the past few years. They had been close since that time he was arrested at uni. Rose had driven up to see him and they’d talked for the first time about how resentful Rose sometimes felt looking after Emily on her own. For a few minutes, Martin had seemed to be accusing her of using Emily as a way of not getting on with her own life. Which was obviously nonsensical as proved by the fact that he had soon backed down and they’d ended up talking long into the night. Since then Martin had opened up about all sorts of things, mainly to do with his love life which seemed to involve shocking (to Rose) amounts of casual sex. At least he’d stopped taking drugs.

  ‘Is it Mum and Dad?’ he asked. ‘I mean, does it bring back all that stuff?’

  Rose shook her head though truthfully she knew that anticipating an Emily-sized hole in her life shone a light directly onto the loss of their parents.

  ‘It would make sense if it was,’ Martin continued, releasing her from the hug. ‘She gave you a reason for living after. Now she’s properly leaving home, maybe the grief can come through.’

  Rose felt the familiar twitch of irritation she always did when Martin insisted on analysing her. He’d done two years of
therapy while he was a student and ever since then he had a tendency to dissect people’s motives, which Rose felt was as intrusive as it was pointless.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she persisted. ‘It’s just what it is. Emily’s going and I have to adjust.’

  ‘I’m ready!’ Emily bounced into the living room. ‘Family hug!’ She bounded over and hurled herself between her siblings. For a second they stood there, each with their arms around the others. Feeling the press of her brother and sister’s hands on her back, Rose suddenly wanted to cry. A huge sob grew inside her, but she pushed it back. She needed to put on a brave face for Emily. Anyway, she was only feeling emotional because Martin insisted on raking up all that history about Mum and Dad.

  They drew apart. ‘Mum would have been so proud of you, today, Flaky,’ Martin said, his eyes glistening as he pulled Emily back for another hug.

  Emily looked up at him adoringly. ‘D’you really think so?’

  ‘Course, she thought teaching was a brilliant career. I remember her saying once she wished she’d trained herself.’

  Rose pursed her lips. She was quite certain that their mother had never said any such thing. Still, she couldn’t fault Martin’s desire to make Emily happy.

  ‘Come on,’ Martin went on. ‘Let’s go now. Beat the traffic.’

  Emily turned away from him and put her arms around her sister.

  ‘Bye, Rose.’

  Rose’s eyes filled with tears and this time she couldn’t stop one from trickling down her cheek. She felt another twinge of irritation. This was why she hadn’t wanted to go to Emily’s halls with her, because she’d known she would just get all emotional. Yet here it was, happening in her own home anyway.

  She disentangled herself from her sister and wiped her cheek as if brushing off a speck of dirt. ‘Go on, get going. It’s a long drive.’

  Emily gave her a final kiss then skipped out of the door. Martin patted his pockets to make sure he had his car keys. It was a gesture that reminded Rose sharply of their father. He followed Emily to the door, turned and waved at Rose and disappeared.